AN: Ok, depressing chapter now...but then, this is Cloud we're talking about here, not exactly a happy chappy is he? I will include a warning for attempted suicide and really, really depressing thoughts...also, Sexual harassment. Yeah...So, enjoy and please I really do appreciate any thoughts you may have on my writing, I am an author and always searching to improve myself, concrit is good. Thank you.
Chapter Seven: Memories and a Reason to Live
Sephiroth sat before the glowing screen of his computer at his desk, he stared blankly at the screen as it splashed his face with colour. The room was dark, his secretary long gone and he was alone. His thoughts travelled dark paths, all the while the voice in his head whispering to him, giving soft encouragement and silent derision in equal measure. He had to make war. It was his calling, after all. He had to burn, ravage, tear, shred and rend every living creature on this goddess forsaken planet. It was his duty, his birthright. Sephiroth's fingers hovered above the keys, then began to type. He accessed the science departments files easily enough but when he went to inspect his own a message flashed across the screen; ACCESS DENIED. Even his pass codes weren't high enough to get him into the system. He paused and leaned back in his seat, gazing at the bright red letters in consternation. Why was he denied access to his own medical reports? He had never thought to look before so he had always assumed that it was available whenever he wanted it. He sighed, running one gloved hand through his hair as he leaned forward and tried two other codes, both of which were denied. Genesis could have hacked into it, he was certain, the SOLDIER had had an uncanny affinity with computers which was odd for someone raised in the country side. A memory seeped through then, one that was as welcome as it was painful...
The room was quiet as Sephiroth broke the lock, the door swung inward and Angeal gave him his patented disproving look. "If you do not like it, why are you here?" Sephiroth whispered.
"I'm here to ensure you two keep out of trouble, do you know what you're starting here?"
"War." Genesis said in delight, eyes sparkling devilishly as he strode confidentially in through the door.
"This isn't some stupid game, the Turks are not to be messed with!" Angeal hissed back, eyes darting up and down the corridor.
"Oh come now, Angeal, it's just a bit of fun." Genesis chuckled and walked right over to the desk and computer. "Also, revenge. I will not tolerate being called impotent by those blue-suit bastards!"
"It was a throw away comment, hardly worth your attention. Just give this up before we get caught and demoted."
Sephiroth smirked. "Us, demoted?" He snorted derisively. "The army would flounder without us."
"Big head much?" Angeal replied, arching an eyebrow.
"Shut up you two." Genesis muttered. "Angeal, keep watch."
Sephiroth saw his friend out the door and then slid behind the computer desk, he turned the machine on and watched it whir into life. He could feel Genesis bending behind him, one hand on his shoulder as they watched the pass word screen appear. Sephiroth's fingers hovered over the keys as he debated when finally Genesis sighed and pushed him out of the chair. "Out of the way, you're useless, Sephiroth." He began tapping away, the screen went black then code began to fill it, words, numbers and meaningless nonsense. Genesis began typing, eyes on the screen as he muttered softly to himself about things far beyond Sephiroth's understanding. He looked up towards the door and saw Angeal's hand appear, two fingers held up, then one, then three.
"Genesis, hurry." Sephiroth muttered. "There are three Turks on the way, Veld among them."
"Ok, ok i'm hurrying!" Genesis hissed then finally gave a low chuckle of delight. "I'm in!" He sang. "Ok...hmm...interesting...I will be taking that, delete that...and theeeen..." The computer started making an awful noise and a bright flashing light appeared on the screen. "Got it! Now, we leave." Genesis stood up and left the room, Sephiroth following after, each of them grinning like loons. The Turks returned to their offices to find a large flashing picture of Genesis' face, all their files deleted and a sound track constantly playing Genesis' voice reciting LOVELESS over and over. It took them three days to recover the files and stop the insistent voice from pervading their entire floor over the tannoy system. The Turks didn't take long to retaliate and SOLDIER soon found their rooms trashed and all their underwear hung outside for the world to view.
Sephiroth smiled at the memory and even of the long, drawn out lecture they had received for acting like children, which was silly really because back then they had been children. Laughter had come so much easier when he had been with his friends, he remembered the havoc, the loud fights, the so called training that involved them breaking massively expensive equipment. It was a time of docked wages, false humility and the astounding arrogance of youth, back then they had all been immortal, death had never had a hold on them and they would always be friends. So much for that. Sephiroth sighed and turned off the screen, he hung his head and put his hands over his tired eyes. He was stressed beyond reasoning, his mind so full of anger and hatred he had immense difficulty controlling it. Genesis was gone, possibly dead for all he knew, Angeal was dead, murdered...no, that was too cruel of a word, killed by his own pupil. ShinRa was a mess of dark lies, secrets of human experiments only now being forced into the light like some rotted carcass. The foetid stench of betrayal and intrigue went beyond the higher levels right up to the president himself, perhaps even his son...who knew anymore? He was certain that there were more secrets to still be told, he was certain that the more one dug the more corpses one would find and he was certain, above all, that he would be the one to uncover them. His very sanity depended on it.
XXX
Cloud stared into the mirror on the steamy bathroom wall, he gazed intently at his reflection and relived Sephiroth's words. Pathetic. Weak. He took a shuddery breath, those words cut deeper than any blade ever could, his body felt strained, exhausted, his mind scrambled by what had happened and he felt his dreams and aspirations shatter into a thousand shining pieces. SOLDIER? Who was he kidding? He was nothing. A small town hick-nobody who came to Midgar with shining eyes and an innocent heart...now what was he? A grunt. Canon fodder. Food for those higher on the chain than he was. Nothing. A waste of oxygen with nothing going for him except his feminine features. Maybe he should go to the Slums and sell his body like everyone suggested to him? He'd make more cash than he was here. He laughed, a bitter, broken sound that made him wonder if he really was losing his mind. He lifted one hand up to his face and fought back tears of shame, he could never go home. Not now. Not ever again. He couldn't bare to face the looks on the people's faces as he turned up, a failure, a disappointment. No, that would be unbearable. He couldn't face Tifa, especially not after the promise he had made, she would hate him and who could blame her?
He dipped his head, covering his eyes with his hair and when he looked back up he lifted a hand and wiped the condensation off of the mirror, his reflection stared back at him but it wasn't his reflection. It was his face, his mouth, his smooth, flawless skin but those eyes...they weren't his. They were incandescent, green with pupils slit downwards like a cats, he knew those eyes but they didn't belong in his face. The reflection smiled, more of a smirk and Cloud backed away, his back hitting the glass wall of the shower as he stared at this thing in the mirror. Terror pounded through his veins, his stomach tightened and his mouth went dry. The figure smiled and even seemed to laugh at him before suddenly vanishing and leaving little more than the steamy reflection of Cloud's own face, blond hair damp and limp, wide blue eyes full of fear. A knock at the door almost startled a scream out of him, he clamped his hand over his mouth as his heart leapt into his throat.
"Cloud? Hey, you all right in there?"
It took Cloud a moment or two to compose himself before he finally spoke, head turning to the door and the man on the other side of it. "Y-Yeah...just getting a towel."
"Ok, I got some beer out here if you want some."
"Sounds...sounds good." Cloud replied, unable to help the soft quaver in his voice as he glanced back at the mirror nervously.
"Do you want some food?"
"Um...yeah, sure."
"What do you fancy?"
"Whatever." Cloud shook his head, his voice sounded stronger than he felt and that was good, the last thing he needed was for Zack to find out that he was seeing hallucinations in the mirror. He stood on shaking knees and grabbed a towel before wrapping it round his waist and moving to unlock the door, he stepped out into Zack's immaculate bedroom, a typical military room with a double bed and scrupulously folded laundry. Zack's heavily polished boots sat by the bed and Cloud's uniform was also folded neatly and waiting for him, he ignored it and slowly moved out into the hall towards the living room and Zack's off tune humming. He peered around the door and saw Zack bending over the small fridge, he admired the curve of his arse, eyes travelling over his back to the spiky black hair that was just barely visible above the fridge door.
The rooms were open plan and stark, no ornaments stood on the shelves, only books and Cloud was certain that those books contained nothing but reams of history and tactics and weaponry information. Then Zack seemed to feel his gaze, he straightened and turned around, sharp blue eyes flickered with some unidentifiable emotion as Zack raked them over Cloud's exposed body. Zack was impressed, despite Cloud's small frame he was evenly muscled, his waist almost womanish in its width and his bare shoulders more rounded than a man's. It was the underdeveloped body of a boy and Zack was again reminded of his age. Fifteen years old, the same age he had been when he had left Gongaga. He smiled and held out a cold beer for Cloud, forcing his eyes away from the soft blond down on Cloud's deliciously flat stomach, he had to force his mind from the gutter as he imagined pouring some of that beer into Cloud's belly button and using his tongue to-
"What's wrong?" Cloud asked, holding the drink in one hand and watching Zack watch him.
"Oh...oh um...nothing, take a seat!" He said and forced a smile, it must have looked strange because Cloud looked at him warily as he slid past him into the living area. Zack watched him, wondering why he hadn't put his clothes back on, the towel was tortuously short but long enough to hide what lay beneath, a highly frustrating combination that fed the fires of Zack's inflated sex-drive. Taking a breath he moved to the kitchen and began putting some food together.
They ate in virtual silence, Zack noted that Cloud was drinking rather a lot and became worried as he fell deeper and deeper into brooding silence. His eyes darkened into twin pits of deep blue, inscrutable against his pale skin. He stared down at the can clutched in both his hands and a small frown creased his forehead. He worried at his bottom lip and seemed lost deep in thought. "Cloud?"
Cloud looked up, blinking in surprise. "Yes?"
"What's wrong? You look down."
Cloud's smile was forced. "I'm fine."
"I don't think you are, what happened? Was it Sephiroth?"
Cloud looked away. "I'm fine." He repeated.
"Look, if you want to talk I'm here for you."
"I...I have to go." Cloud mumbled, standing up and walking back to the bedroom. "I shouldn't have come here...I'm sorry..." He began putting on his uniform quickly, seemingly unaware of Zack's eyes on him. Once he was fully dressed, hair still a little damp, he ducked past Zack and towards the door.
"Hey, Cloud, wait!"
"No. I really have to get back to the barracks...people will wonder where I am."
"Why? Who cares what other people think!" Zack replied, grabbing Cloud's wrist only to have it yanked roughly away, large blue eyes looked up at him and Zack thought he saw a flicker of something behind them, something not quite human. He stepped backwards and Cloud turned away, picking up his boots and forcing them back onto his feet.
"Thank you." Cloud breathed, barely a whisper of air past his lips as he averted his gaze and pulled open the door. "For...everything." He ran. Zack watched him go feeling lost, he must have missed something, perhaps he had said something insensitive? He didn't know and Cloud obviously wasn't telling.
"Shit." He sighed and returned to his living room, he fell onto the sofa and ran his hands through his hair. Everything was so messed up it was giving him a headache.
XXX
Junon was silent as Cloud walked the streets, his hand on his gun and eyes darting from left to right. He had lost the rest of his unit somewhere along the way and was now trying to find them again, he had seen only the barest glimpses of Turks wondering about on their own mysterious missions. He knew Zack was here somewhere too but he didn't know where, the streets were crawling with what people were calling Genesis clones and he had already done his fair share of fighting, after all the mission was to eradicate them. He checked his ammo as he paused near a side alley, he was running low and really had to get back to his Unit. With a sigh he slung his rifle over his shoulder an moved on again, keeping an ear and eye out for any sign of his fellow blue-clad infantrymen. So far he had managed to avoid Zack since the time he had been to his apartment, it was better this way, he couldn't stand the idea that Zack would somehow break down all the walls he had built up over his sordid past. He needed his secrets to remain, if he broke those walls he feared that he himself would break like fine china on a hard floor. He was so fragile it really was pathetic. Allowing himself to get too close to Zack would mean destruction for himself and for everything he thought he knew, that much was obvious. Yet Zack had somehow already got under his skin, he missed that bright, easy smile, the brash confidence that he radiated and the gentle touch of his hand in his hair. It was stupid. All so, so stupid. He knew what was happening, he was falling for him, it was like standing on the edge of a cliff and knowing that if you took one step forward you would be obliterated on the sharp rocks below and yet being unable to avoid jumping, just because the last thrill would be so totally freeing and indescribably awesome that its irresistible. Cloud had decided not to leap.
He broke into a trot as voices reached him, he rounded a corner and saw several of his unit just finishing off a group of rapidly degrading Genesis clones. Cloud moved towards his commander and when he spotted him he nodded. "Where did you get to Strife?"
"I was held up, sir! I'm sorry sir!" He saluted but the commander seemed too tired to admonish him.
"Very well, apparently General Sephiroth has arrived and the Turks are finishing up rounding up the last of the enemies. We're getting a transport out in an hour."
Cloud looked over his shoulder as he felt eyes on him, he saw a group of dark clad Turks standing around the entrance to an alley, one of them lifted a hand in acknowledgement. The red haired Reno. They all looked utterly unruffled, their weapons were bloody however and one of them was smoking, he could see the burning red of the end of the cigarette as it rose and fell from the man's lips. It was a little scary how calm and composed they looked, he could even hear their laughter. As he watched Reno leaned forward to whisper something to his comrades, a smirk graced his face and one of the women, a small blond, laughed loudly. Cloud blinked and looked away again.
The transport back was by helicopter, much to Cloud's disappointment. He couldn't stop and get out if he needed to puke, but somehow he managed to hold it in by doing some deep breathing exercises that Zack had taught him. Zack was here somewhere, Cloud could hear him talking with the pilot, he refused to look up, even when he felt his eyes on him. He gazed down at his knees and ignored everyone around him, luckily no one troubled him as they all knew of his travel sickness.
He returned with the rest of his tired Unit and, after his commander had given them all the usual speech of what a good job they had done, he walked back to the barracks feeling more dispirited than his companions. He heard them chattering away loudly, discussing what they were going to do with their free evening, most of them were headed for Wall Market and the infamous Honey Bee Inn as they had somehow managed to get their hands on a pass. "Cloud, will you be coming?"
Cloud looked up and shook his head but before he could speak someone else spoke for him. "He won't get in, the girls at the Inn aren't lesbians." They all guffawed appreciatively at this poor joke.
He felt someone fling an arm around him, drawing him to their side and he slipped free. "Aw, c'mon, Cloud, just one freebie! I'm dying here! I haven't seen a decent pair of tits since I got leave last month!"
Someone grabbed Cloud's top and tried to extract it from his trousers, he struggled but more people grabbed him from behind and held his arms still. "Get off of me!" He shouted and lifted his leg up, trying to kick at the boy struggling with his top.
"Just one look, I need some wank material!" The others laughed again and Cloud felt his top unzip and his chest revealed. "Aw, he really is a guy." The boy said in disappointment.
"Doesn't mean he's not worth something, if you fuck 'im doggy style it won't matter." Cloud struggled again but felt himself being dragged out of the hall and into an empty room, it looked like a store room. He was flung into a corner where he hit his head, he was still tired from all the fighting they'd just done but it seemed his Unit members weren't. They loomed over him, leering and giggling like hyenas. He crouched low, a snarl on his face as he watched them advance.
"Hey, d'you reckon that the General's had a piece of this?" One asked, turning to his friend who grinned maliciously.
"Probably, I wouldn't say no if it were me."
"What's he giving you in return?" The other looked at Cloud curiously. "Promotion? Extra training?"
"Fuck off!" Cloud hissed, lunging in an attempt to get past them but several arms grabbed him and threw him back to the floor, he was pinned there as hands began to undo his belt. He lashed out with his feet, attempting to take out one of his attackers but failed. Finally his belt was undone and hot hands delved into his underwear, he gasped, eyes widening at the awful touch but before anything could happen the door opened.
"I'd stop that if I were you, yo." Slowly the group of boys turned, eyes wide and faces rapidly draining of colour.
"W-who?" One began but his friend hissed back; Turks. They froze and stared at the red haired man in the door way.
"Get up. Get gone before I start breakin' teeth." Reno said softly, grinning like a mad man. They scattered, none of them even looking back, Reno snorted derisively. "Fuckin' cowards, yo." He turned his eyes back to Cloud who took the time to pull his jacket back around himself in some lame attempt at decency. "You all righ'?" Cloud nodded, looking anywhere but at the Turk, he was afraid of what his expression might be. "Well, I'd recommend gettin' yourself sorted out, yo. Wouldn't be good to be seen like this." Reno stared down at Cloud before shaking his head and holding out his hand. "C'mon, get up."
Cloud briefly looked up, flushed bright red and lowered his head again. "No, thank you i'm fine." He stood up on his own and quickly zipped up his top before doing up his belt.
"Did they...?" Reno asked, unwilling to finish that sentence.
"No." Cloud replied.
"Good, I 'spose." Reno sighed heavily and pushed his hair back from his eyes. "Don' tell Zack, he's pretty irrational by anyone's standards, yo."
"I know. He won't find out." Cloud slipped past the Turk, despising the look of pity on his face. He left and walked straight back to his dorm, to the safety of his bed and a sleep disturbed by voices and nightmares.
XXX
No one asked how he got up there, even if they had all he had to do was show them the Sephiroth's key card. He still had it, clutched in one sweaty gloved hand. The SOLDIER floor was large, the lounge area full of people sitting around and drinking coffee, tea and generally taking a break. Cloud moved through them like a wraith, no one seemed to take any notice of him. He slipped through some doors and into a corridor he walked down it with no direction in mind. The walls were stark and grey, as dull as anything else in the metal monstrosity that dominated the Midgar skyline. Cloud moved through the corridor and turned into another, he spotted what appeared to be a balcony and felt his heart skip a beat. His feet took him towards the double glass windows and he stepped out into the cool night. The city below was bathed in green and gold light, he tipped his head back and gazed up at the stars as they twinkled coldly above him. Slowly, as if he were in a dream, he climbed up the low railing and balanced on it, staring down 49 floors to the barely visible street below.
The height was dizzying, the drop dragging at his body as if it knew what he was considering doing. He blinked and slowly tipped his head back again to gaze up at the sky, a sky that was invisible to all those down beneath the plates in the slums. Those poor bastards who had only metal and lights to look at. Perhaps there were people better off than him but he doubted any of them had to suffer through excruciating bouts of sleeplessness, long periods of time where they had no idea where they had been or what had happened to them, they didn't have to listen to voices that laughed and taunted them at every opportunity. They weren't disappointments. Failures. They weren't plagued by the feeling of helplessness that engulfed him every time he thought about his life. Cloud had had enough. He would never be strong enough, never good enough. It was better for everyone if he simply jumped...
His foot moved half an inch and he felt his balance fail him, a soft gasp escaped his throat and he fell forward, it was strange, like falling in slow motion. Then someone shouted, something grabbed the back of his uniform, causing it to tear along the seams of his arms. Voices. A heart wrenching yank as he was pulled over the railing and thrown to cold, hard ground. A sound slipped past his throat, it was the sound of a fatally wounded animal, a sound that, in ordinary circumstances, he would have been ashamed of but now he didn't care. He couldn't care anymore.
Gloved hands pushed his hair back from his damp face, he didn't know when it had started to rain, the sky had been so clear only moments ago. Slowly he forced his eyes open and found himself staring up into a pair of glowing, familiar eyes. "You fucking idiot!" Zack gasped, drawing his shuddering body close. "What the hell were you thinking?!" Cloud blinked a couple of times before slowly easing himself from Zack's grip, he shuffled backwards and stood on violently shaking legs. He looked away, one arm crossing his body in a protective gesture as he glared at the ground. He clamped his mouth shut and refused to look up, even though Zack moved closer and put a hand under his chin to try to get his attention. "Cloud?"
"I'm fine." He breathed and stepped away, trying to dislodge Zack's hand but he was too strong, he was pulled back and into a warm embrace. "Get off of me." He muttered, pushing at Zack's chest.
"No. Not until you tell me why I had to save your stupid ass from becoming street pizza."
Anger flared up inside him, tinting the world green as he finally yanked himself free of Zack, he glared at him furiously. "It's all right for you, isn't it, Mr. First Class SOLDIER?! You've got it all, confidence, strength, ability! You're...you're brilliant at everything you do! It's so easy for you! I've seen you, you can talk to anyone, make loads of friends just with that stupid smile! You don't know what its like for me, at all!" He swiped a hand through the air in his anger, stepping back again as Zack stepped forward, his back hit the railings and he shook his head, putting his hands to it and bending over. "I can't take it anymore! I don't know what's happening to me! I'm sick! I'm tired...I'm so, so tired all the damned time! And then there's her...always talking to me, always muttering away inside my damned head! I'VE HAD ENOUGH I WANT OUT!" His scream echoed around the building, he was panting and shaking and he felt the hot, bitter sting of un-shed tears in his eyes.
Zack gazed at his friend feeling suddenly, horribly helpless. He could fight off an army but he was useless against Cloud's demons.
"I'm useless. Pathetic. I was dreaming when I thought I could even attempt to reach Sephiroth's level...stupid. As stupid as those fools back home! They were right...everyone's right...I should just...just give up. No one cares. No one would even notice. I just...I wish..." He trailed off sliding to the floor and sitting there with his arms wrapped around his knees and his forehead pressed against them. "I'm finished." He whispered.
Zack sighed heavily, he glanced through the glass doors to see a group of people standing there and watching avidly like people at a spectators sport. He glared at them and they slowly began drifting away. "Cloud," He began as he inched closer, still afraid that even now Cloud would turn and throw himself off of the ShinRa building, when Cloud made no move to get up Zack slid down and sat beside him. "I can't say that I understand, that'd be lying...I'm one of those horribly lucky people who reach and grab what they want and achieve it without seeming to break a sweat. I was lucky that I found a good tutor...Angeal...he was like a father figure to me." He smiled softly at the memories of his mentor. "He gave me the leg up I needed...So, yeah, I was lucky." he paused as he eyed Cloud in his peripheral vision, Cloud didn't seem to be listening but he continued on anyway. "I guess what i'm trying to say is...that you should never give up on your dreams. If being SOLDIER is what you really want then reach for it with both hands and don't let go...if you...want to be SOLDIER then you've got to have dreams, and honour." He closed his eyes and smiled softly. "Hm. Yeah, always got to keep your honour as SOLDIER."
Slowly Cloud lifted his head, staring at Zack's profile over the top of his arm. "But...what does that even mean?" He asked softly.
"That you have to find out for yourself." Zack looked at him and his smile brightened, he reached up and ruffled Cloud's hair.
"But...I'm not strong enough." Cloud whispered after shrugging off Zack's hand, he once again hid his face.
"You're stronger than you think, ya'know. Geez..." Zack sighed and rubbed his hair, tipping his head back to gaze up at the stars. "You held your own against Sephiroth, that's strength-" He paused and cocked his head, frowning a little. "I think I know what your problem is."
"What?" Cloud mumbled from where he sat, still with his head buried in his arms. "You have no will to live."
Cloud looked up then, arching an eyebrow. "How do you know? I fight to make sure I don't die."
"Do you?" Zack shook his head doubtfully. "You don't fight as if you're trying to avoid dying, I don't think it's about fighting anymore for you, is it?" He gazed at Cloud's confused expression and laughed. "I'm not making myself clear, look; to win you've got to have some will to live or there's no point in fighting at all. When you fight you just run in there as if you're trying to impale yourself on the end of their sword. That's not going to let you win a battle, that's going to get you killed. Do you see? You need to find your reason for living, find it and fight for it."
Cloud gazed thoughtfully into the distance before nodding slowly. "I think I get it..." He said slowly. "But how do I find a reason to live?"
"I can't help you with that one, sorry." Zack smiled and stood up, he held out his hand and Cloud gazed at it for a moment before allowing himself to be dragged to his feet.
"Z-Zack?" Cloud said in a small voice, Zack looked down at him and Cloud stood on tip-toe and kissed him. "Thanks." He whispered, a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth as he turned and walked to the door. "I think...I've already found it." He breathed, glancing back once at Zack who stood, dumbfounded on the cold balcony as Cloud moved back into the building.