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CHAPTER NINETEEN

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A/N:- Banner by FatesLoveQueen http:/yfrog(dot)com/oed60p

I own nothing. Boydblog helped me with this and I'll be forever thankful.

She fixed. I fiddled. Any mistakes that remain are on me.

Mobile Device warning:- Despite temptation do not throw your PDA/laptop/iPad/etc

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Alice already had the laptops ready and waiting by the time I arrived home. Carlisle was on the phone with Kate, trying to find out more information about Laurent or his 'friend'; he wasn't having much success. Apparently both Laurent and Irina had disappeared.

I took control of one of the laptops and tried a combination of different search options in my quest to help Bella awake back to reality. I found a number of sites about consciousness, lucid dreaming, simulated reality, consensus reality, and dreams in general, but I couldn't find anything that would help in Bella's case. I couldn't find any instruction on how to wake a dreamer who wasn't technically asleep.

I researched the sleeping tablets and anti-depressants Bella was taking, just in case something in their chemical compounds gave me a clue about rescuing her from the false world she had become imprisoned in. I refused to believe that Kieran's solution was the best one for her.

I researched lucid dreams, and wondered whether I could get Bella to take control of her environment, but realized she would need to be aware she was dreaming for it to work. After hours, I closed the laptop in frustration.

"There's nothing here that can help us," I groaned.

Alice, Jasper and Carlisle all looked on helplessly. None of them had been able to find anything useful either. It was already the early hours of the morning, and I had no idea how to help Bella. I didn't want to believe that Kieran was my only hope. I wanted to rescue her and repent for the way I'd left.

I rubbed my eyes and considered running to Bella's house. I thought about the vacant stare she'd given earlier and decided against it.

Yet, she'd definitely be asleep now.

But I needed an answer first. I needed to bring my Bella back—whatever it took.

Alice rubbed her hand reassuringly on my back. "We'll find a way."

I shrugged her off.

"In the meantime," she continued. "Why don't you go hunt?"

"I can't."

'Please, Edward? You need to. I promise that nothing is going to happen while you're out. We'll keep researching and we'll call you as soon as we find anything that might be useful.'

I didn't want to. I wanted to keep looking. I knew I was being stubborn, but if it helped Bella it was worth it. I had to admit defeat though, at least for the moment. It'd been difficult being by Bella's side each day unable to tell her—really tell her—I was sorry, and that I loved her.

In the midst of it all, I hadn't been hunting as often as I should have. In fact, I hadn't hunted at all since we'd arrived in Forks. Combined with the stress I'd been under, I was well into my reserves. I didn't want to risk Bella's life because of my stubbornness.

"I'll go with you," Carlisle offered.

I shook my head. If I went, I was going alone. I wanted to hunt as quickly as possible and then run straight to Bella.

Alice grew visibly relieved as she saw my decision.

'That's a good idea,' she thought.

I left instantly. I just needed to sate my thirst. I leapt across the river and ran in the direction of my favored hunting ground.

It wasn't long before my path began to twist and bend. I was heading in a familiar direction, miles away from where I would usually hunt. As I ran, I began to consider the possibilities. I burst into the meadow—our meadow—with the shadow of a smile on my face.

The dawn was just breaking over the horizon, finding a tiny gap in the clouds to bathe the meadow in red. The light refracted off my skin in a shimmering, almost blood-red display. I hoped it wasn't an omen.

I recalled the first time I brought Bella to the clearing to ease my mind. The declarations we'd made ran through my mind.

Perhaps this is what she needs? A reminder of us.

The idea took hold until I was certain it would revive her. I could bring her to the meadow and remind her of everything she was missing hiding away in a false world.

I was about to run to Bella's when movement across the meadow caught my eye.

"Irina?" I asked as I saw the familiar shape. She was keeping her mind purposefully blank, as if she'd been trying to hide from me.

She turned and smiled warmly when she realized she'd been spotted.

"Edward, so lovely to see you."

"What are you doing here?" I asked, not too kindly.

Irina's thoughts were filled with a desire to be away from me. She knew about my ability from the time my family spent with hers, but had never learned to block me—she'd never had the need before. Her mind showed that she considered me a threat to the secrets she wanted to keep.

"I was passing through the area and wanted to say hello to your family," she said.

There was more to the story than she was telling me and I was thankful for my ability to see her thoughts.

'I can't tell him Laurent disappeared two weeks ago or that I'm worried about his control. Edward came back here for that human girl, he won't understand.'

"What won't I understand?" I asked, ensuring I gave her a reminder of my ability.

Her friendly mask fell away, leaving confusion and pain in its wake. "I need to find him, Edward. I'm worried he's going to hurt someone."

I thought about Kieran and the reason he'd come to Forks. I couldn't help wondering whether Laurent had returned to meet up with him.

Was Kieran lying when he said he didn't want to hurt Bella?

The need to check on Bella immediately became a cloying presence. I couldn't risk her safety if Laurent was unaccounted for.

"Laurent isn't welcome here, Irina. If he's hunting humans, there are protectors of these lands that will destroy him."

She shook her head in disbelief as concern pierced through her. She worried for Laurent's safety, not confident in his ability to abstain from human blood.

"What's more, I have reason to believe that Laurent put Bella in harm's way. If he goes anywhere near her, I swear I'll kill him myself. And anyone else who helps him." I made it clear with my expression that I was including her in my statement.

Irina gasped. "You wouldn't."

I infused my voice with menace. "Try me."

I knew Carlisle would be upset that I'd threatened someone we considered family, but it wasn't just a threat. If I had even the slightest reason to believe that she'd help Laurent to hurt Bella, I would kill her. I would do anything necessary to keep Bella safe.

"Find Laurent, if you can. Then go."

I turned my back on her, leaving my threat hanging in the air. I was desperate to get back to Bella; the mere possibility of Laurent being nearby, or that Kieran was lying, made me worry for her safety.

I'd gone a few miles when my cell started to vibrate.

"Edward, you need to run faster," Alice almost shouted at me. "You need to get to Bella now."

I didn't wait to ask what she'd seen. I shoved my cell back into my pocket and pushed myself. I ran faster than I ever had before. I was running as if my life—or more specifically, Bella's life—depended on it.

I heard the two wolves running patrols around Bella's house, but ignored them as I pushed harder to get to her. I sought out Kieran's mind.

If he's hurt her, I'll kill him.

Relief flooded through me when I saw that Bella was safe. She was safe and awake. I could see it in her eyes; the blank lifelessness was gone. Exhilaration overtook me. A smile crossed my features as I realized I would be seeing Bella—my Bella. I watched her through Kieran's mind, relishing her liveliness, even though my jealously raged.

"Victoria?" Bella's body shivered with fear.

"She wants revenge. I agreed to help her."

Even though he'd admitted as much to me, rage still coursed through my veins.

"What?" Bella's heart raced. She shook her head slowly in denial. "No, please don't."

I could tell Bella was about to faint. The blood drained rapidly from her face. I was close, but not close enough. I still had too great a distance to cover to reach her before she fell. My fingers twitched in an urgent need to get to her, to reach her, to save her. I saw her house looming closer and grew desperate to be near her.

Kieran rushed forward and caught her before she fell. His arms reached for her.

The surge of emotions that coursed through his body set me on edge.

"I won't," he whispered into her ear. "I promise you, Bella. No one will ever hurt you again."

I reached the front door and pushed through it.

"Let her go," I demanded.

Kieran looked up at me, his eyes widened in surprise. He'd been so focused on his intimate conversation with Bella he hadn't even heard my frantic footsteps approaching.

"Put her down." My voice was harsh, a remnant of my conversation with Irina. My arms longed to be holding Bella; seeing him taking my place was almost too much to bear.

"I didn't want her to hurt herself," he said quietly before taking a deep breath filled with her scent.

I heard his struggle to stay in control. He hadn't been denying his natural urge for human blood for very long and Bella's scent affected him in nearly the same way it did me. He'd resisted the urge to bite much longer than most vampires would have been able to, but his control wasn't absolute, and his teeth were much too close to the soft flesh of Bella's throat.

"Please, put her down before you hurt her," I said, trying to make my voice as gentle as possible.

I was in a no-win situation with her in his arms. There was no way I would be able to ensure her safety if his control slipped.

"I'm not going to hurt her," he snapped, but carried her toward the sofa anyway.

I watched the gentleness he used when shifting her unconscious body. I wanted to push him out of the way and tend to her myself.

"Why can't you just leave us alone," he muttered as he turned back toward me. "I told you what you wanted to know."

'I even told you how to get her back. You ignored me. You didn't really want her back. You just want to keep playing your sick games with her.'

"You're the one who took her away from her family, from her friends," I said.

He stood and faced me. His fists were clenched so tightly, tiny fissures ran in trails over his knuckles. "I gave her what she wanted."

"I gave her what she needed," I responded. "I gave her the chance for a normal life, but you interfered."

'Normal? Does he mean human. What's so special about a human life?'

"What's so special?" I shouted, so incredulous that I didn't care how much noise I made. "How about her soul? How about everything about her that makes her so unique, so perfect."

"She will die."

My jaw clenched and my knees bent. I was preparing to attack, the only thing that stopped me was that his words weren't a threat against Bella; he was simply stating a fact.

As a human, Bella would die. One day. It was inevitable.

"And when she does, I will too."

"Stop." The word was uttered so quietly, and yet it stole my attention instantly.

I snapped my head in Bella's direction. Her eyes were open and flicked urgently between Kieran and me. Relief flooded through me when I saw that she was there, real and right in front of me. She wasn't lost in her own world anymore, she was with me.

"Stop," she repeated, squeezing her eyes tightly shut.

She started to pull herself into a sitting position, and I was at her side to help her instantly.

Kieran moved just as quickly, kneeling at her other side. I scowled at him, hoping he would leave. I wanted to talk to her. I needed to talk to her.

Bella turned to me and I saw every ounce of pain I'd been simultaneously seeking and dreading. It was confirmation that she was there, but it also meant she was being forced to feel the agony of the lie I'd told her.

"Bella," I said quietly, lifting my hand in a desperate need to touch her.

"No." She held up her hand and stopped me.

I choked down the strangled cry that threatened to escape.

"Please, don't touch me," she whispered.

I clenched my outstretched fingers tightly into a fist, but I couldn't seem to be able to force it away from her. I still longed to touch, just to stroke her soft skin and see in her eyes how I affected her.

Kieran's thoughts were exuberant. 'She doesn't want him. I knew she wouldn't.'

Bella turned her eyes away from me, staring pointedly at a spot on the rug. She took a shaky breath, as a tremor ran through her entire body. I longed for a look into her mind to know what caused it.

Is it shock? Is it cold? Is it me?

She swallowed heavily, and I followed her lead.

"I think you'd better go," she said, her quiet voice filled with the tremors that had overtaken her body.

Kieran was beside himself with glee. He took her words as confirmation that she wanted him, that she was going to be by his side forever.

I dropped my outstretched arm to my side. Defeat raced through my body and every muscle, every sinew, locked in place and refused to move. If Bella was asking me to leave, then perhaps Kieran was right. Perhaps I'd hurt her too much for her to even want to listen to my explanation. If that was the case, I didn't want to move, I wanted to die. I could not survive if Bella was mated to another vampire. My eyes stung as my body tried desperately to produce tears that would never come.

I stared at her, silently willing her to look me in the eye. I silently pleaded with her to be merciful. One look and the statement that she didn't love me anymore; would kill me quickly.

Her head rose and I knew it was time.

I wanted to block out all sounds and sights, to lock this moment in time forever so I never needed to hear the dreadful truth that she didn't want me.

"I said, I think you'd better go."

Her head was turned.

Away from me.

She'd repeated herself, but not to me.

I crumpled to the floor, my being shattered into a thousand pieces with relief that it wasn't me she was asking to leave.

Kieran's thoughts turned to disbelief.

'How can she even stand to look at him after his betrayal?'

"Please?" she asked. "I just need to speak to Edward alone."

I wanted to sob at how wonderful those words sounded. I was willing to throw myself at her feet the moment he left, and beg for forgiveness every day for the rest of her life.

"Fine," Kieran said through teeth clenched so tightly the sound of them grinding together filled the room.

'If you hurt her while I'm gone, I will kill you.'

I stayed motionless as he left. I listened as his murderous thoughts grew in intensity with each step he took away from Bella's house.

I didn't dare look up at first. I wanted to prolong my palpable relief. I didn't want to see the rejection and pain I was certain would be marring her features.

"I'm sorry," I murmured. "I am so sorry."

"It doesn't matter," she whispered.

I instantly hated myself for having used those words—convincing her that what we had didn't matter—for allowing her to believe that what she wanted didn't matter.

"It does matter," I said, finally looking up to her. I met her eyes and the pain I saw made me whimper.

"Why did you come back?"

I thought of Alice's vision. I thought of all the reasons I could give her for why I was back in Forks. There was only one reason I wanted to give her. "Because I couldn't force myself to stay away a moment longer."

"Was it because of Kieran?" she asked quietly.

I wanted to tell her no, but I didn't want to lie to her either. I settled for, "No. At least not in the way you might think."

"How dare you tell me what I might think," she hissed. Her anger was weakened by the tears running wet tracks over her cheeks.

"I know what Kieran wants and I didn't come here to stop that." Although I would if I could.

"Oh."

The sound was almost silent as it slipped from her lips. She sounded disappointed.

I took in a deep breath. I had one chance to explain to Bella, one chance to make things better, and I was getting it wrong. I wished, not for the first time, that I could see what she was thinking if only to avoid hurting her further.

"Let me try this again, please?"

I offered my hand slowly, giving her plenty of notice that I intended to touch her—just as I had the first time I'd deliberately glided a finger lightly across her skin. When she didn't stop me or flinch away, I swept my finger along the length of her cheekbone, collecting errant tears along the way.

"Alice had a vision."

Bella closed her eyes and for a moment I was spared the pain within. Yet somehow it was infinitely worse being cut off from her emotions.

"She saw you as one of us."

Her eyebrows pinched together and her eyes were still screwed shut.

"And you wanted to stop it?" she asked, her voice raw with an undercurrent I couldn't indentify.

"You can't lose your soul. Not like that. Not for him."

"For who then?" She pushed my hand away and stood up, putting distance between us again. "For you?'

"No, Bella, for no one. Stay human. Stay as you are. Don't become a monster."

"Kieran loves me," she stated. "He wants me."

"He wants you to be a monster. He wants you to hurt people with him."

She shook her head. "He doesn't. He hunts the way you do."

"At the moment, yes, but that's not who he is."

"You're lying," she snapped.

"I have only ever told you one lie, Bella. Granted it was one so vast and so traitorous that I will never forgive myself for uttering it; but only ever the one. Can you guess it?"

Her heart raced in her chest, a fluttering of wings fighting against their bone cage. Her lip trembled and her tears began to fall anew. She shook her head. I crossed the room as swiftly as I dared and clutched her hands between my own. I looked into her eyes, wanting to see hope and the possibility of a second chance reflected in their depths. Instead, I saw doubt and insecurity.

"When I told you that I didn't want you. That was the lie, Bella. That was the moment I committed blasphemy against everything I hold most dear in this world."

She held her breath as she waited for me to finish.

"You, Bella Swan. You're the one thing I treasure above all else."

She broke down. Her earlier tears were but a trickle compared to the torrent unleashed upon her lithe body at my confession. Giant sobs overwhelmed her chest, and caused her breath to release in rough stutters.

She dropped her forehead onto her hands—which were still joined to mine—shaking her head from side to side. I stepped closer, releasing her hands to wrap my arms around her.

"I'm sorry. I can never forgive myself for what I said. Or for how I hurt you."

She beat her arms against my chest, heaving as she tried to draw breath. She struggled against my hold in an effort to break free. As soon as I realized what she was trying to achieve, I let my arms fall slack at my sides.

She rushed backward, putting unwanted distance between us.

"They're just words, Edward," her voice was high-pitched, ringing with hysteria. "Meaningless. Stupid. Words!"

My throat tightened as I watched her walk away. A very real tear opened up through the middle of my dead heart. I could feel the wound weeping with every step she took.

"Bella, please, don't do this. Don't give up on us."

She turned to me, her chin high and set defiantly. She met my eyes. "There is no us."

Her words were daggers, thrown with perfect accuracy to pry the wound in my heart wider apart. I fell to the floor, unable to move through the agony she'd inflicted on me; one I deserved, and one no greater than I'd caused her when I'd made the stupid decision to walk away to save her life.

"Please?" I whispered, resting on my knees and dropping my chin to my chest. "Please…"

With four words she'd taken away the hope I had that I could fix this.

Four words that proclaimed Kieran had already won.

There is no us.

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A/N: - I don't want to spoiler anyone, but…have faith 'kay?