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CHAPTER TWENTY

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A/N:- Banner by FatesLoveQueen http:/yfrog(dot)com/oed60p

I own nothing. Boydblog helped me with this and I'll be forever thankful.

She fixed. I fiddled. Any mistakes that remain are on me.

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I couldn't believe the words had slipped through my lips; it was almost as if I had no control over them. The look on Edward's face as they'd fell from my mouth staked through my heart painfully.

I can change it.

I could take back the words and apologize. I could tell Edward that I didn't mean them.

The problem was that I did.

Even though I'd been told that the other world—and therefore Edward's infidelity—wasn't real, it felt real. It felt too real.

There was even a voice in my mind whispering that maybe this world was the fake one. Maybe Kieran being here was nothing more than a safety blanket, a friend at my bedside. Maybe he was the truth bleeding through into fiction.

Maybe I'm comatose in hospital and my mind is trying to protect me so I don't have to face Edward's betrayal.

Maybe that's why Edward is here, apologising for hurting me.

I was so confused and the memories of two lives battled inside my head.

Kieran's admission played in my mind and so did the timing of Edward's return. It was entirely too coincidental.

Did he come back just to stop Kieran from changing me?

Edward's words were exactly what I wanted to hear—that he had lied, that he really did love me—but they were just words. I couldn't help wondering if it was a trick, if Edward was here for as long as it took to drive Kieran away before he left again. I'd had my heart trampled on by him once, I wasn't sure I could survive it a second time.

If he could lie about that, couldn't he be lying about lying?

I had no way of knowing what was real or fantasy. I couldn't risk sending Kieran away only for my heart to be broken the minute he'd left town.

But if Edward's telling the truth…

If it was real, if Edward did still love me, I risked throwing that away for second best. I felt more secure in Kieran's love than I did Edward's, but I loved Edward more.

I wanted time to be rewound to before the madness started; back when it was just Edward and me. If I was honest with myself, I knew we'd never get back there. I had thought back then that the scary vampire was on my side. I always thought he would be there for me. That he would protect me at any cost. His decision to leave shattered that belief.

It didn't matter whether this was the real world, or the other one was. Either way, Edward had betrayed me in both realities.

I wanted to scream, but it felt like my voice had been stolen away.

The simple truth was thta I couldn't trust Edward anymore, and that knowledge was far more painful than I'd ever imagined it could be.

While the madness rattled away inside my mind, Edward still knelt on the floor; his shoulders slumped forward as if in defeat. He remained unmoving. His eyes, which were as black as soot, were trained on the floor just in front of my feet. The unending agony printed on his features shouted silently at me, drawing me closer. I wanted to erase the words, erase the pain; his pain and my own pain.

My cheeks stung as my tears dried again, salt crystallizing in tracks down either side of my nose. It felt uncomfortable, but was nothing compared to the hurt that seemed to permeate through my bones and sap me of my strength. I felt faint again—having never really gained my composure since I'd last fallen—but I fought against it. I struggled to keep my eyes open and my breathing steady. I forced my tears back and locked away the agony that threatened to break the dam walls once more.

"Edward," I whispered, hating how weak my voice sounded.

He looked up at me, suffering and desperation working in equal measure to twist his features into something almost unrecognizable. His mask of control had been stripped away and all that was left was a beast that had been broken-in.

I choked back a sob and blinked repeatedly to fight my tears.

"I can't…"

I had to stop or I was going to break down. I swallowed deeply and tried again. "I don't want to hurt you, but I can't do this. I can't just pretend nothing happened."

He said nothing, just watched me intently and stayed completely immobile. I wanted to step closer, but stopped myself. If I got too close, I would sink into his orbit and be consumed by him—by my overwhelming love for him. I needed to think for myself, by myself. I needed to be away from his influence, and from Kieran's, and try to piece together two shattered lives before I could possibly hope to live either one.

"I think you'd better leave," I said finally, fighting my emotions as Edward's head dropped forward despondently at my words.

For a moment nothing more happened. I wondered whether he would say anything, whether he would keep fighting to stay, to talk, to make me listen. Instead, he nodded.

"If that's what you want," he said so quietly I had to strain to hear it.

I closed my eyes and sunk my teeth into my lip to quiet the cries that threatened to escape at his easy acceptance of my dismissal.

The atmosphere in the room seemed to darken as Edward pulled himself limply to his feet and left. I heard the front door shut only moments later. I hung my head in my hands as sorrow and relief waged a war inside me.

I spent a few moments trying to gather my erratic thoughts before trudging slowly up the stairs. I wanted to hide under the covers in bed and forget about waking from my months-long dream.

My thoughts turned to what I'd had in the other world, and what I'd lost.

I'd never been the maternal type. I'd never played with dolls or planned my future to include children, but I could easily recall the excitement I felt when I thought I was expecting. My fingers trailed over my stomach, the way they had when I was pregnant. I imagined feeling the little flutters that I'd grown to expect to accompany my 'pregnancy'.

Would I regret not being a mom?

It was something I would have to give up to be with either Edward or Kieran. Even if I could do what Edward had once professed he wanted, to live my life as a human with him by my side, I would never experience motherhood.

Would it be worth it?

I couldn't deny that now that my maternal side had woken, I longed for what I'd briefly been promised in the other place: a baby, a human life with a human husband.

Do I want it more than a life with Kieran, who has never hurt me? More than one with Edward, who will always hold my heart—even if it's broken?

I did want the life I had there; at least, I wanted the good parts. I did want a baby; I could admit that to myself in a way I'd never been able to before. I wondered what damage Renee's parenting style had inflicted on me that I could have ever doubted that I would be a good mother.

But do I want a baby at any cost?

I realized why my mind had created that world with all the trimmings. My deepest desires and fears were on display. At least, it was easy to believe that.

My inner voice murmured doubts. Images flashed through my mind, my body lying prostrate on a hospital bed. I could almost hear the quiet hum and beep of the equipment keeping me alive; I could feel my consciousness slipping back into that world. I shook my head to fight off the feeling of floating away from myself.

My tongue felt thick and my eyes heavy. It was like I was fighting the effects of a sleeping pill. My limbs felt like they were no longer under my control. I was struggling to move and my knees buckled as I tried to take a step.

The grogginess seemed to envelope me, the white of a hospital room shining through. The beeping grew louder. I thought I could make out voices calling for me; calling me back.

I don't want to go back.

I made it to the bed and lay on top of the covers, staring up at the ceiling. The world seemed to shimmer and twist around me. I shook my head slowly, lolling unsteadily from side to side.

"No!" I cried to my empty bedroom.

If that other world was the real one, I wasn't ready to go back. I couldn't face what I'd endured there. Images of Edward ran through my mind like photographic flashes: making love in our bed, his lips as they caressed my skin, his excitement at the thought of being a daddy, his long days and late nights in the office, him calling me a 'whore', his infidelity with Rosalie...

The room seemed to brighten before my eyes, glowing white, as the sounds of life-supporting equipment grew stronger. The whisper in my mind seemed to grow louder, telling me that I needed to go back to the other place, despite the heartbreak and betrayal. That was where I belonged.

I pressed the back of my head into the pillow, squeezing my eyes shut tightly.

"No!" I said again.

"Bella," an urgent voice called to me.

I opened my eyes and tried to concentrate on the sound. It was so very, very near, and yet I found it hard to pinpoint. It seemed closer and more real than the other urgent whispers begging me, 'Wake up, please, wake up, I'll never forgive myself if you don't wake up.'

"Bella, stay with me my love."

My heart began to race as I balanced on the precipice of the two worlds; the edges of both places blurring into one another. The heart monitor at my bedside began to beep faster, keeping the rhythm of my two lives.

'Is she waking up? Oh god, baby, please come back to me.'

"Please, Bella, please." Edward's voice was strained.

'Come back to me, please! Baby, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Please, just come back.'

Edward's face shimmered through my vision; his eyes seemed to flicker between deep, emerald green and coal black as I scrutinized him.

Is he here?

Where is here?

"Be angry with me. Be as angry as you need, but please don't leave me here without you."

I wasn't sure which of my Edward's spoke those words.

"It hurts," I whimpered, closing my eyes to stop the tears that threatened to burst from me. "It all hurts, so badly."

"Open your eyes."

I obeyed the quiet request.

"Look at me."

Edward caressed my face softly; his cool, smooth skin gave me something to focus on.

"You have to fight this," he pleaded.

He helped me to sit upright. The hospital scene slowly faded away, leaving me staring at the Edward that I'd asked to leave just a short time ago.

I blinked, but it only made him go out of focus. I realized it was because I was viewing him through the veil of my tears. He brushed the pad of his thumb softly over each eye, wiping away the salty water.

"Why are you here?" I asked.

"Because I love you." His eyes explored mine, searching for something, but I didn't know what. "I never stopped loving you."

"Why now?"

Edward's eyes dropped from my face, to stare at the floor. His raw vulnerability evident in his twisted mouth and the darkened shadows underneath his eyes.

"I heard you, so I came back."

"You heard me?" I asked. "When?"

"You said, 'no'. It sounded like a plea. I was worried someone had hurt you."

I wanted to tell him that I was hurt—every single cell in my body ached—but there was little point, he could hear my ragged breaths and smell the salt from my tears.

His frown deepened as he focused on the floor.

"I promised it would be as if I never existed, but I couldn't," he said sadly.

In the next instant, Edward was moving, leaning away from me and reaching down to the floor. He pushed his fingers into a small gap between two floorboards. Before I could even ask what he was doing, he'd torn up a board and had reached underneath.

"Bella, you have to believe that I lied when I said I didn't love you."

He withdrew his hand, clutching items that I recognized from my fateful birthday party.

He placed them on the bed beside me. I was so shocked that I couldn't speak.

"I lied when it said it didn't matter. You matter, Bella. You matter more than anything else in my existence."

I stared at the photographs, a jewel case and the airline tickets he'd extracted from the hiding space beneath my feet.

"It was so hard to leave you. Almost impossible."

I picked up the first photo, the candid photo I'd snapped of Edward in Charlie's kitchen before going to the birthday party Alice had organized for me. A smile that I hadn't seen since that day lit Edward's face.

"I thought it was the best thing for you."

I squeezed my eyes shut. Edward caressed my cheek gently.

"I know I hurt you, and for that I'll never be able to forgive myself."

"Edward, I—"

He moved his thumb to rub softly against my lips, the move tender but clearly designed to hush my voice.

"I don't expect you to forgive me, Bella, but I hope you believe me."

"It never made sense," I whispered, finally gathering the strength to look at him again.

He looked almost…relieved. I didn't understand why.

"It never made sense for you to love me," I admitted. "I've never been good enough for you."

"How can you say that?" His brow was tightly knitted in confusion.

"Just look at me, Edward."

His eyes searched mine deeply, before shifting to appraise every inch of my face.

"And then look at you."

He shook his head. "You don't see yourself clearly."

He offered me his hand, and I took it tentatively. After he'd helped me to my feet, he led me to the bathroom. His hands gently caressed my shoulders and turned me to face the mirror.

"What do you see?" his cool breath whispered across the shell of my ear.

His eyes scrutinized mine in the image reflecting back at me from above the sink. My heart was in my throat as I tried to figure out what he wanted me to see. From where I stood he was proving my point, not his own. My dead straight hair and pale complexion could hardly be considered attractive, especially not when viewed side by side with his perfect features.

"I'll tell you what I see then," he said after a moment. His eyes held mine captive and his hands on my shoulders grounded me. "I see a strong woman."

I remained still, even though I wanted to shake my head and tell him he was wrong I wasn't strong—he of all people should know that. He'd witnessed my fragility first hand. He'd even left because of it. He shook his head slightly, clearly sensing the denial I couldn't verbalize.

"Eyes that are so expressive, it's almost as if I can see your whole life within their depths."

My heart pounded as he spoke with such passion, it was hard not to believe him.

"Someone who has a caring nature; who always puts herself second, even when she shouldn't." He frowned slightly, as if at a bad memory.

"I see someone who isn't afraid to feel."

He was so close that his skin cooled mine and I shivered as his breath brushed over my shoulder.

"Someone who has such incredible natural beauty and doesn't cover it with layers of make-up."

I followed his eyes in the mirror, trying to see the things he could, but coming up blank.

"A soul that is unique and beautiful."

I frowned as he mentioned my soul; what was it worth if it was what cost me his presence.

He stopped looking at my reflection in the mirror, turning his face toward mine instead. He turned me around and wrapped me in his arms.

"When I look at you, Isabella Swan, I see all of those things and more. I see the person that I will love each and every day of forever."

He held me tightly and I felt secure in his arms. I may not have been able to see the things he'd spoken about, but I could feel his conviction.

"I want you to know that whatever you want, whatever happens, I'll support you." He traced his knuckle softly along my cheek. "Even if you if you choose him, I will be there for you. I will never leave you again."

I felt so safe, so wanted, in that instant.

It was easy to forget the heartache I'd been through, the anti-depressants and sleeping pills. I closed my eyes and inhaled his unique fragrance, allowing myself to believe for just a moment that everything would work out the way I'd once hoped.

But do I still want that?

My hand found my flat stomach, a bitter reminder of what I'd lost. It was impossible to stay with Edward—his betrayal had cut me too deeply. Every time I looked at him, I was reminded of what he had cost me in this world and the other.

Even as he held me, my heart recoiled away from him.

I moved my hand to his chest and with the lightest of touches, pushed him away from me. My heart shattered as I tried to find the strength I needed.

"I think you'd better leave," I said, as I diverted my gaze to the tiles on the bathroom floor rather than see his face. If I saw the anguish he'd expressed earlier, I wouldn't be able to push him away. I needed to push him away—I had to protect myself from further pain at any cost.

Edward placed his hand over mine and guided it until it rested over his heart.

"Wherever I go, you will always be in here," he whispered.

I bit my lip and nodded, still unable to look to his face.

"I'll see you in school tomorrow," he said before disappearing.

He left so fast that I was left holding my hand out to touch a heart that was no longer there.

My fingers curled into a fist as I slowly drew my hand back toward me. As I turned to leave the bathroom, I saw my reflection in the mirror. Despite everything Edward had said, I could only see what I'd seen every day since he'd left me: a weak girl who wasn't enough to keep him.

Someone who doesn't matter.

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