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CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

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A/N:- Banner by FatesLoveQueen yfrog(dot)com/oed60p

I own nothing. Boydblog helped me with this and I'll be forever thankful.

She fixed. I fiddled. Any mistakes that remain are on me.

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~ BELLA SWAN ~

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I burned with embarrassment as I thought of how I'd thrown myself at Edward.

I'd experienced the rapture that came from being with Edward in my other life, and I wanted that feeling of fulfillment and love that accompanied our time together.

I wondered how far I would have gone if he hadn't put a stop to it. I knew I would have pushed it as far as Edward was prepared to go. I would have given him my body if he'd been willing.

If what Kieran had said was true—if this was in fact the real world—I could only imagine what being with Edward in this life would be like. The fantasy of his cool touch over my heated body rolled through my mind again and I longed for him.

It was only after Edward had pulled away that I realized how foolish I'd been. I'd thrown myself at him without a thought for how much it would hurt me when he left again. It had momentarily been too easy to forget the pain he'd caused me.

I climbed out of bed and headed straight into the bathroom to shower. I stood under the hot stream of water and thought back to the rollercoaster I'd been on since the previous night.

As soon as I'd seen Edward come through my bedroom window, I'd wanted him to hold me so badly. I wanted to hear his declarations of love and promises that he was going to stay this time. Yet, I despised being in his arms because it was a reminder of the pain he'd inflicted on me. I was torn between the two emotions, but in the end there was no way I could have willing left his embrace.

Whenever I stirred, I was wrapped in Edward's arms and for just one moment everything was as it should be, but then the awareness of my losses would seep in and I would feel my heart breaking again.

In my dreams, I was back there—back in the hospital with every inch of my body aching—and Edward was at my bedside. Whenever I dared to look, Edward's green yet blood-shot eyes were watching me, filled with pity and dread. He never spoke while I looked at him, and never held me as I sobbed. He'd sat silent most of the time, only murmuring apologies to me when he thought I was asleep. I wasn't sure whether the words were being said in only one world or whether they were whispered admissions in both of my realities.

The dreams seemed to be peppered throughout the night making it hard to keep a grasp on what was reality and what was an illusion.

As I dressed, I couldn't stop the feeling of dread when I thought about having to face Edward at school.

How can I pretend everything is normal after the night we'd had and the way it had ended?

I'd all but thrown myself at him and he'd turned me down. I wasn't sure I would survive the embarrassment of his rejection.

I thought briefly about staying at home, but figured he would probably come to my house to check on me if I didn't show.

Or would he?

I still wasn't certain about his feelings for me.

Was he was only back to stop me from choosing the life Kieran offered?

He'd seemed genuine when he'd held me as I drifted in and out of sleep, but I had no way of knowing if that was just an act.

What would happen if I asked Kieran to leave, would Edward disappear shortly after?

I tried futilely to turn off my mind. I worried about our awkward reunion all morning, despite promising myself that I wouldn't. And I'd continued to stress about it during my drive to school. As it turned out, my worries had been needless because Edward wasn't at school when I arrived. My eyes scanned the parking lot twice for his car.

His absence surprised me, because it was a perfectly overcast day and he had no reason to avoid school.

Unless he's avoiding me.

He didn't meet me after my first class like he usually did either.

I wondered whether I'd driven him away—or maybe his distractions had already chased him from the sleepy town of Forks. An ache burned my chest and reverberated throughout my body.

Has he left again without even saying goodbye?

My heart stuttered and my body trembled. Even if it wasn't true, my lack of faith in him shook me to the core. It proved that I wasn't ready to forgive him; I wasn't ready to be back with him.

The one overriding thought was that he didn't even care enough to let me know he wasn't going to be at school after telling me he'd see me.

Do I matter that little to him?

It was after second period that I finally saw Edward. He smiled wryly and tilted his head in question when he caught my eye. I guessed he was waiting for me to run away—or leap at him. I was debating hotly between those two actions myself.

While I stood motionless trying to decide what to do, he approached me slowly. My mind raced with possibilities about where he'd been most of the morning. I wanted to scream and shout at him for not telling me he'd be late.

"Hi," he said quietly, a hint of questioning coloring his tone.

I exhaled shakily, unsure what to say. I felt my anger dissipate, fading quickly into shame. I had doubted him needlessly.

Should I apologize?

He beat me to the punch.

"I'm sorry I was absent this morning. I had some business to attend to." His lips lifted into his crooked grin and I felt my own mouth tilt upward slightly in response.

He reached one hand out slowly, as if trying to calm a cagey beast, and trailed his fingers along the outside edge of my hand. My arm lifted in response and he held my hand a little more firmly.

"About this morning, Bella, I—"

I held up my free hand to cut him off. "Forget it," I said. I didn't even know how to begin to discuss it with him.

I didn't feel like I had done anything wrong per se, but I'd made him feel uncomfortable even though it hadn't been my intension. I'd just wanted to feel him, every part of him. I wanted to be able to share with him what I'd felt in that other world. I didn't want to feel ashamed for the desire I felt for him.

"You're so fragile," he murmured.

I bristled against the word even though I knew it was true. I was fragile—in ways that I didn't think Edward even realized.

"I could hurt you so easily. Without even meaning to..." he trailed off and his eyes darkened with his thoughts.

His words were more accurate than he even realized. Slowly but surely I was allowing him back into my heart and I knew that was a dangerous place for him to be. It was the one place he could wreak the most havoc. I felt like I could suffer almost any hurt physically, but I didn't think I could handle the emotional blow of him leaving again.

"I don't know if we'll ever be able to share that," he dropped his eyes shyly and whispered the word 'that'. "But I don't want to lose you."

Tears pricked my eyes and I was uncertain how to respond. The place in my heart that he'd forced his way into opened a little wider.

"Do you really mean that?" I asked, knowing he could easily lie to me but needing to hear the words he'd said yesterday again. I wanted him to tell me how he really felt in the harsh light of day.

He traced my cheek with the back of his finger. "I love you and nothing will keep me from being by your side. That is, if you'll have me."

I watched his eyes intently. I saw the emotion swirling in their depths and somehow sensed that—at least for the moment—he meant the words.

Yet I still hesitated, unable to swear my love in return. I wanted to, but I was still so scared of being hurt.

"Can we go somewhere private to talk later?" he asked.

I nodded, feeling both terrified and excited about the prospect. The two times we'd tried to talk hadn't exactly worked out.

"Can I walk you to class?"

I tentatively offered him my hand. I knew reality—whatever that was—could come crashing down around me at any moment, but I decided to take whatever happiness I could get.

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Jessica confronted me after I'd finished changing for gym.

"There's something different about you today, but I just can't quite put my finger on it."

I couldn't help smirking because I felt different. It was hard to quantify, but it was almost as if I'd been walking around in a daydream before now. I could remember talking to people and what I'd learned in classes, but I hadn't noticed the smaller things. I'd seen the grand brushstrokes but not the intricate detail.

Before today, I'd completely missed the pity in Mike's eyes as he asked how I was feeling. I'd been ignorant to the feeling of Edward's eyes weighing down my every move when he wasn't by my side. I could remember him apologizing to me when we were at school together, but not how I felt when it happened. It was as if my life had been devoid of feelings and emotions…at least until Kieran's confession on Saturday.

"So you and Edward are back together then?" Her voice was dripping with a fake enthusiasm that was impossible to ignore.

"We're taking it slow," I said.

She looked at me as if she thought I was slow. "So you're not together then?"

"We're… it's complicated."

She rolled her eyes. "If you don't want to tell me, that's fine, but the cats out of the bag. The two of you are all anyone's talking about."

I groaned as she began to launch into all the sordid details that people were apparently saying about Edward and me. I ducked away from her as quickly as possible, anxious to forget about what she'd said. Luckily, Angela seemed unwilling to listen to the latest gossip and helped change the subject to something she'd seen on TV last night. I had no clue what it was, but it was something that launched Jessica into an entirely new monologue. I smiled gratefully at Angela.

After my conversation with Jess, I wasn't sure that being more aware of my surroundings and myself was necessarily a good thing. I wondered whether it was better to be ignorant and blissful. I was just glad there wasn't much left of the day—or of the school year for that matter. There was less than two weeks before the year was over and summer vacation started.

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I drove home wondering where Edward would take me to talk. He'd left a note in my truck asking me to be ready by four and to ensure I was dressed comfortably. I wasn't sure what I was going to tell Charlie, but I figured I'd cross that bridge when I came to it.

Almost as soon as I climbed from the truck, I felt a cool breath blowing across the back of my neck. My mouth curved naturally into a smile. If I was honest, I was half expecting Edward not to show. The fact that he was waiting for me just helped to force him even deeper into my heart.

"You're early," I said as I whipped around to greet him.

"I didn't even know we had an appointment."

My eyes widened as I realized it was Kieran, not Edward, who was waiting for me. Seeing him brought his confession and the subsequent events crashing into my mind.

The things Edward had told me about him replayed in my head. I'd almost forgotten about his presence, and Edward's goodbye, until that moment. Seeing Kieran stirred up so many feelings that I thought I'd finally been able to bury. I felt my smile start to fall.

"You don't seem very happy to see me," he sounded sad.

Am I happy to see him?

I was definitely shocked to see him, but regardless, the answer was yes. I was happy to see him. After all, Edward may have found a way back into the depths of my heart, but I was still grateful to Kieran for helping me—in his own way—even if that help did end up muddying the waters. He was always so sweet to me in the other world; he was a good friend. It was almost unnatural just how comfortable I was in his presence.

"I am, definitely, you just caught me by surprise that's all."

A smile slowly spread across his face. "Well I'm glad to hear that at least. I was a little worried you might never want to see me again after yesterday."

My guilt spiked. "I'm sorry about that. I just really needed to speak to Edward alone."

"And?" His golden eyes illuminated with a mischievous glint.

"And, we talked."

"So you're ready to run away with me now?" He winked, but his voice sounded like he was trying to mask his doubt.

I laughed nervously. "Despite what we talked about yesterday, I really don't know you. Certainly not enough to make that sort of decision."

"Just say the word and you can have forever to get to know me."

My heart thundered as I considered how easy it would be. He was offering me the one thing Edward never would. From what I knew of Kieran from my other world, I was certain he would offer me everything. I could have a magnificent existence with him—he would treat me well at least—but I knew it would never be enough. Even if Kieran could offer me everything, he could never compete with Edward.

"Edward's back now. I can't just turn my back on what we had."

"Goddamn it, why not?" he hissed. His smile fell away and he frowned. "Why would you stay with him? He hurt you. Don't even try to deny it. I would never leave you the way he did."

He paused and watched me carefully.

"I'm sorry," he said, after calming himself almost immediately. "I actually half expected that you would say that and I promised myself I wasn't going to react badly. I love you, Bella, and I don't want you to get hurt."

I nodded and stepped closer to him. "I understand, and I appreciate it, I really do. I just…he's what I want."

It was only as the words slipped out that I realized the absolute truth in them. Despite my concerns—which were still very real—I loved Edward. I just wished I could learn how to trust him again.

"Just promise me that you'll be careful, and keep your guard up. I don't think you can trust him," he said.

I knew he was lashing out in anger, but his words stirred up the doubts I still had.

"Remember that even your own mind doesn't trust Edward. In the world you created, he cheated on you."

Kieran touched my face gently with his hand. His eyes were full of sorrow and regret, his human mask torn away. Tears stung my eyes as I was faced with his pain. I might not have known this Kieran as well as his counterpart, but he was such an important part of my life in the other world it was hard to see him hurting.

"I won't cause trouble for you, because the one thing I want is for you to be happy. But I'm not just going to walk away either. If he hurts you again, I'll make sure it's the last time."

He leaned in quickly, his lips brushed softly against mine and then he was gone.

I wondered if I'd done the right thing.

I'd said 'no' to Kieran, and I knew Alice would have seen my decision. If Edward was near her, he would have seen it too. He would know that I'd thrown away my chance at being loved forever, as an immortal, to be with him.

Would he leave now that the threat to my humanity was gone?

I had no way of knowing the answer to my silent question but the thought was enough to break me in two. I fell back against my truck, my legs no longer able to support me.

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