"Thank god too, I was starting to wonder if I'd ever get through to you," the princess said as she pushed him through the door. As soon as they were both through, Yachiru turned around to lock the door behind them.

"What is this place?" Nnoitra asked. His skin prickled, and he couldn't see anything except the young woman who accompanied him. Everything else was swallowed by darkness. Even the door melted back into the void as soon as she locked it.

"Nowhere and everywhere. Szayel calls it the shadow path."

"No cryptic shit, girl. I've had enough of it from your Archmage pet."

"I'm not 'girl.' I'm Yachiru," the princess said as she walked up to him. She reached for his hand, threading her fingers through his.

Nnoitra balked, pulling his hand away.

"The fuck you need ta hold my hand for?"

"Ugh, you're such a moron. I'm holding your hand so you don't get lost in here. If you don't have a concrete destination in mind, you'll never find the way out. That's the way the magic works."

"Hold on… this can take you anywhere?"

"Anywhere with a door."

That was ridiculously powerful magic. It had to be, or he would have heard of it by now. If it was something any mid-level mage could access, there'd be a hell of a lot more nobles dead from successful assassinations. The real question was why did the Mercian princess have access to it? Before he could voice his question, he felt the girl take his hand again. This time, he let her.

Hers was so tiny compared to his hand, and cool. Her fingers and palm were soft from never having worked a day in her privileged life. If she really expected him to teach her how to handle a weapon, she was going to have to ruin her hands with callouses. The whole notion was still pretty stupid, but if she insisted…

"Why do you have that key?"

"Mm… well, actually, I have a deal with Szayel," the princess said.

"Why'd he be interested in you?"

"I'm supposed to use this key to visit him for magic lessons. Father doesn't really want him to talk to me, so to get around that, Szayel gave me the key to open the path. The deal says that if I visit him at least twice a month, I can use it for whatever I want the rest of the time."

So that was how she got out.

She looked a little uncomfortable about admitting to these illicit meetings with the Archmage, glancing up at him furtively every now and then. He didn't blame her either. Here she was, telling someone she wasn't quite sure she could trust not to tell Byakuya. When she opened her mouth again presumably to blurt out some threat, Nnoitra cut her off.

"Snitching on you ain't in my best interest, princess."

"Yeah? …Well good."

"Ya talk too much. Need to learn to keep your mouth shut if you don't want people knowing things."

"I'm not really used to that," she admitted. "Usually, I'm the one asking questions. But I'll try harder."

Something seemed to be forming in the distance. Something door shaped, though it was very different from Yachiru's closet door. This one looked more like a wrought iron gate.

Amistri definitely needed to get her hands on this magic. Imagine how efficiently troops could be moved with it, or how it would simplify his mission if only he could end the curse on him. Actually… if he took the princess' key, he could escape back to Amistri and-

… no. That would throw off Grimmjow's plans. And it was shameful to flee. Not yet. He'd only take that route if he had no other option left.

"I probably shouldn't have showed you this place, since you're supposed to kill me." Yachiru suddenly spoke up, surprising him. Her voice was strangely subdued, given her typical spunk.

"Ya seemed so excited about the idea earlier. Changed your mind?"

"Nah… it's still pretty cool. You better not steal my key though. I'll tell Szayel if you do."

Yachiru finally drew up to the gate and reached for the lock. The skeleton key slipped inside, and with a twist, the gate unlocked. Sunlight filtered into the shadow path as she opened it. The girl turned to look at him as she held it for him, a smile gracing her lips.

"Anyways, I present to you the Royal Menagerie- my favorite place in all of Mercia."

It took Nnoitra's eye a moment to adjust after he stepped through the gate. He might as well have remained blind for all the good it did him when he was able to make out the details of his new surroundings. Nnoitra wished he had a more substantial weapon on him.

"Shit, princess, why are we in one of the exhibits?"

"Relax, Nnoi. He won't eat you, unless you make a total ass of yourself."

Relax? They were just a few feet away from one of the largest monsters he'd ever seen. Of all the moronic statements he'd heard her make, this was by far the most stupid. And there she went. Traipsing up to the thing, arms outstretched to embrace it… Well fuck. There went the only person who was trying to help him in this godforsaken country.

… Except, as he watched her throw arms around the beast, she didn't come to an untimely, smoldering demise. And it occurred to him that if she got along with Moonwhisper, she just might have the charisma to get along with a dragon too. It certainly seemed like this was the case, because even after she stepped away from it, it made no move to snap her up in its jaws, or disembowel her, or generally behave in a fashion that might be construed as menacing. As she turned back towards him, the princess stuck her tongue out at him.

"Well come over and say hello. It's rude to stare."

"Hello." He'd stare as much as he liked. And he wouldn't be moving any closer.

"It's cowardly to just stand there." Yachiru smirked.

Oh fucking hell no. Nnoitra sneered and sauntered right up to the dragon. It seemed tame enough. If a woman could handle it, he had no reason to feel intimidated.

"Happy, princess?" he drawled.

"Oh yes. Much better," she replied with a bright smile, "Now introduce yourself."

Nnoitra sized up the dragon, hands stuffed nonchalantly in his pockets. Hell… he hoped he wasn't getting dragged all over the menagerie to meet each of Yachiru's pets.

"Nnoitra Gilga, former vice general of Amistri."

"Androfel Bitterwings, former Scourge of the Western lands."

"You? You're Bitterwings?" This… tame pet in a menagerie?

"I prefer Androfel."

"I call him Andy,"said Yachiru helpfully.

"Androfel." The reprimand sounded weary, as if it had been repeated countless times.

"You don't like Andy? I think it sounds cute."

Smoke curled from its jaws as the dragon exhaled and closed its eyes. A long moment later, it opened them again to assess the girl with a dispassionate look.

"Androfel," it reiterated, then curled up in a patch of sunlight and proceeded to ignore them.

"Don't mind Andy," Yachiru said as she watched the dragon's tail flick over its nose, much like a sleeping cat, "He's just a little grouchy sometimes. See, Szayel came poking around the other day for reagents, and he doesn't much like giving up blood or scales. Come to think of it, he doesn't much care for Szayel period."

"Can't imagine why not."

"Hehe, Moonwhisper doesn't really like Szayel either. He always tries to gore him when he wants a few strands of his mane. He makes me get them for him when Moon is in a particularly nasty mood cuz unicorns are resistant to his magic."

Alright, Nnoitra had to grin at that image. He could just picture the mage dodging the vicious animal's horn and getting his immaculate robes ruined in the process. Fuckin' bitch, making a princess do his dirty work. Some Archmage he was.

"Think I'm starting to develop a fondness for your hell pony, princess."

"He's not a hell pony. He's my beautiful boy, and I will not stand to hear him insulted like that. I mean, at least call him a hell horse. That's more dignified than pony."

"Whatever. Can ya at least put in a good word for me? Don't want to get stabbed through the gut next time I have to…. go somewhere with brother dearest."

At this point, he could only cross his fingers and hope that wouldn't happen anytime soon. But with the way his luck had been going recently, it seemed likely.

"Right… We're supposed to be discussing that. Which reminds me, we should get going before a magic student sees us. They use the menagerie for their studies," she replied, looking focused again. She reached for her key again and slid it through the lock on the gate. Nnoitra waited for the world to go dark again, but instead, she simply walked through the gate. "Well, hurry up."

He followed her through without question and watched as she locked it again. Seemed that the key had more than one spell on it. And it also seemed that they'd left the exhibit at a good time; not a moment later, a small group of robed men and women appeared. They drifted from enclosure to enclosure with excitement while an older mage in different colored robes gave a lecture.

Feh. Mages.

"C'mon Nnoi." He felt a light tug on his sleeve as Yachiru tried to catch his attention. "You can jeer at them on your own time, we're visiting the other beasts, remember?"

Oh. Right. They were supposed to be doing that. He allowed the girl to pull him away from Androfel's enclosure and over to the next one. As they walked the cobblestone path, he began to gain an understanding of the true size of the menagerie. The exhibits were in truth more like habitats, and each creature was apportioned a plot of land sufficient in size not only to house it, but to house it comfortably. Androfel's was obviously the largest, claiming the lion's share of the space, but then, the dragon was of no mean size. He was a full-fledged legend trapped in a magical zoo. Nnoitra could relate.

The dragon stayed on his mind even as Yachiru introduced him to quite the collection of mythological monsters. There was a manticore, a hydra, a cockatrice, a pair of hippocampi, a centaur, nixes and fey creatures of varying types. The menagerie contained everything one could imagine, even creatures from far flung places like the Eastern islands. He watched the princess crouch to make casual conversation with what looked like the spawn of a turtle and a monkey, reaching into a bucket near the exhibit entrance to pick up a cucumber. The ugly thing thanked her as it accepted her offering, then disappeared back into the river that ran through its enclosure.

The amazing thing was that she seemed to be in love with them all, no matter how dangerous or hideous or, frankly, evil they were. And- equally miraculous –they all seemed to adore her in turn. He wondered what she'd done to win them over, even the ones that exuded malice or who were notorious for their man-eating ways.

It had to be magic at work. The same stealthy magic that had slipped past his defenses and gotten him to relax around the very nobility he was supposed to terminate. There were no two ways about it, and now that he was aware of it, he wouldn't be caught off guard again so easily.

"…noi? Nnoitra? Hey, are you even listening to me?"

Yachiru suddenly stopped and turned around, making obnoxious hand gestures to get his attention. To be honest, he'd started to tune her out after a while. Half the time, she was talking to some creature anyways.

"What?" he grunted.

"Tch, you weren't listening. I was just saying that maybe we should go somewhere else to have our plotting session. You know. Somewhere we won't be spied on?"

"Yeah, sure kid." He didn't have high hopes for the 'plotting session' as she called it, but he'd listen to what she had to say. Not like he had much of an option.

"Sorry, I know I keep getting distracted. But I promise, serious business now," Yachiru said.

"Great. Where're we goin'?"

"Back to Andy's enclosure. He won't mind."

Back to the dragon? The fuck…?

"Thought you said we were goin' somewhere no one would overhear us, princess."

"We are! Andy won't snitch. And he's got a cave further in that we can use as our base of operations. Don't you see? It's perfect! You could even train me in there later and no one would know."

"Except the dragon," Nnoitra replied.

Yachiru huffed and pouted up at him.

"I already told you, he's not a snitch. He'd love to burn Mercia to the ground actually, so I hardly think he's going to tattle on us to Szayel."

"Really now?" Hnn…

Yachiru caught his thoughtful look and shot him a bland look.

"He'd just as soon burn up Amistri too by the way, so don't get any ideas."

Tch.

"One scaly lizard couldn't take down Amistri."

"They've got magic too, in case you've forgotten. And Amistri seems to have a lack of it. Which is why you lost. You know. In case you've forgotten that too." Yachiru smirked. Oh, he was going to enjoy strangling the smug little royal when he had the chance.

"If he's so fuckin' ferocious, why don't he eat you? I thought dragons were supposed to eat princesses like you."

Yachiru blinked, looking surprised for a moment. Then she smiled. "Andy? He wouldn't hurt me. We're friends. And besides, dragons kidnap princesses. They don't always eat them, not unless they're really annoying. I've already agreed to let Andy kidnap me if he ever escapes. And then we'll go on an adventure and pillage a few kingdoms and live the high life. But it probably won't happen cuz Szayel's magic barriers are pretty strong, even for a dragon as powerful as Andy."

He wasn't sure if he was serious, but he didn't bother asking. She seemed to find the idea of being kidnapped by a dragon exhilarating if her expression was anything to go by, though her version of events didn't sound much like a kidnapping. It sounded more like she'd play the part of accomplice in her own escape.

She really was such a privileged bitch.

Nnoitra allowed her to lead him back to the dragon's enclosure. They passed the magic students on the way over, who paused to goggle at the strange sight of their princess in men's clothes with a tall, lanky, one-eyed stranger. Nnoitra jeered at them and licked his lips lewdly. He earned himself some dark looks for his trouble and a giggle from the princess once they were out of earshot again.

"I wouldn't advise trying that on Szay," the girl said as she unlocked Androfel's gate and stepped in.

"An why not?" he asked, following her.

"He might just take you up on it. For a reclusive Archmage, he gets around."

"What's the story between him and the prince?"

"Oh, Szay and Ulqui?" She ushered him deeper into Androfel's exhibit before replying. "Szayel's still trying to get him down to his lair legitimately, but it's not like they haven't seen each other. Father's not ignorant, 'specially since mum's spymaster is really good at what she does, but Szay is also really good. They'd confront him about it if they could gather any hard evidence. Of course, my dealings with him are top secret. No one knows about them, except you."

"So who tops?"

Yachiru paused. Her brow furrowed in thought for a moment before she turned back to Nnoitra with an uncertain look.

"You know? I don't really know. I'm going to have to find that out."

Great.

"If I had to guess, I might say Szayel? Brother's got his status as a royal to uphold so it's not like he could raise a fuss about it, and Szayel seems pretty flexible when it comes to sleeping around. You know. As long as he gets what he wants in the end."

"And what would that be?"

"No one has really figured that out yet to be honest. But I doubt it's what he says he wants."

The princess came to a stop in front of Androfel, who was still curled up in his patch of sun. It had shifted during the interim of their last visit, and the dragon now slumbered in partial shadow. He rumbled a greeting as Yachiru walked up to him, but did not open his eyes. Only when she threw her arms around his neck did he speak.

"Princess, what do you want with me?"

"We're requesting permission to borrow your cave. Is that ok?"

"Why should I give the Archmageling more reason to monitor me? If he learns I am abetting your schemes, he will continue to spell my enclosure more heavily."

The princess let her cheek rest against his scales and hugged him.

"A little enchantment like that is nothing to you, Androfel. You could burn through that spell like it was parchment."

"It is more effort than I wish to exert for little personal gain."

"I'll come and clean your scales."

"You'll have to offer more than that."

"Urgh, I'll set aside time each week to play your philosophical games?"

"Better."

"Oh very well! I'll bring you something valuable you great, greedy jackdaw."

"I object to being compared to a bird. I'm far more intelligent and majestic."

"Let us use your cave whenever we want, and you have a deal. I'll retract my comparison when you stop acting like one."

"How often will you stop by to play my games?"

"Once a week."

"Twice."

"Oh please no…. I already have to listen to Szayel as it is." Yachiru's face twisted into an mask of exquisite suffering at the mere prospect. Androfel seemed unimpressed by her theatrics, but relented.

"Very well, once a week. But it will be for a duration of my choosing."

"I have obligations you know," she whined.

"Obligations that you are clearly engaging in at this moment."

"Oh stuff it, Andy. But fine. Once a week for as long as you want."

Yachiru pursed her lips and straightened again. Androfel's mouth curled back, exposing rows of thick, yellowed fangs in what Nnoitra could only presume was the dragon's version of a smile.

"Remember princess, you promised me something valuable. You'd best live up to your promise."

"Yeah ok. Whatever. I'll bring you something later. C'mon Nnoi, let's go."

She grabbed Nnoitra's wrist and towed him past Androfel. Once they were inside the cave, she let go of him and threw up her hands dramatically.

"Ach! He is so frustrating to bargain with!"

"And you're remarkably bad at it, princess," Nnoitra replied, glancing around the cave. They weren't very far in yet, and it was starting to get a little dark. With such dim lighting, it wasn't exactly the ideal place to train someone as inexperienced as the princess. Just when he thought he might have to drag the kid back out, the quality of light began to change. It turned from a velvety sort of darkness to a soft gray, then a warm orange as they finally entered a large central room lit by burning sconces. Finally, a proper flame. Then again, the sconces didn't seem to have a fuel source so…

Fuck it. Did everything in this kingdom run on magic?

The treasure pile in the center of the cave was nowhere near the size he'd imagined of a dragon hoard, but then, Androfel didn't exactly get many opportunities to get out and add to it. Come to think of it… Nnoitra wondered why the dragon had a hoard at all. Yachiru couldn't have possibly contributed the whole amount. It wasn't gargantuan like a proper hoard, but it wasn't small either. Guess the Mercians were wealthy enough to let their pet dragon have his own pile of gems and gold to sleep on. Gods, that was just obscene.

Yachiru tugged him away from it before finally letting go of his wrist.

"No touching. He'll know. And then there'll be no convincing him not to eat you," she said.

"I wasn't gonna," Nnoitra grumbled. She caught his eye and shook her head.

"No," she said again, then sat down cross-legged on the bare cave floor. "So, how to keep you alive in big bad Mercia."

Finally. Finally. It was almost too much to hope for. Nnoitra sat down across from her, ignoring how ridiculous this whole situation was. Trading gossip with a little merchant princess in the middle of a dragon's cave.

"Hm… where to start. You already know Ulqui and Szay better'n most people get to know them. That's not good. And Mother and Father will have you killed just as soon as it's convenient to arrange an accident. I estimate that you have a few months before that happens. Maybe four or five? Something along those lines."

"Four or five months don't matter, princess. In four or five months, I'll be a dead man to Amistri anyways. They'll send someone else."

"Yes I know, that's why they'll have you killed then. But if you're a dead man, you might as well make the best use of the time that you have. And you don't really want to die, Nnoitra. Not like this."

"Tch…" But it was true. He didn't want to die a political death. He wanted to die on the battlefield, covered in the blood of his enemies and choking on his own like a warrior of Amistri should.

"But anyways, that's not the biggest threat right now. The biggest threat is… well, probably Szayel. He's the one that has a curse on you, and he's the only one that can break it."

"I know, princess. I'm not stupid," Nnoitra interrupted. She frowned at him.

"You didn't let me finish. Szayel is the only one who can break it, but there may be someone who can help you get to Szay. He's the only person in Amistri that has leverage over him."

Someone with dirt on the Archmage? Now this he wanted to hear. Nnoitra raised an eyebrow.

"Do continue."

"Exceeeept he's probably the scariest guy in the whole country aside from Szayel."

… Of fucking course.

"But if you can put up with him, you could probably figure out a way to break your curse. And then it wouldn't really matter what you had to go through to get there because if you can take out the Archmage, you can take out everyone else."

Nnoitra closed his eye and drug a hand down his face. When he opened it again, he was more or less prepared to take whatever information came next.

"Ok. So who is this man?"

"Mayuri Kurotsuchi. He's an alchemist from the Eastern islands, and probably the only person Szayel can't legitimately threaten. Actually his lair is sort of near Szayel's, though it's more underneath the central part of the palace. He hardly ever comes out, except when Father summons him. But I like to visit him sometimes. He has the most precious sphinx guarding his library. You should meet her some time. She's very clever and beautiful."

"Fucking hell… you want me to talk to that creep?"

"Oh, you've met him?"

"Not personally, no. But I sure as hell remember the destruction he was responsible for."

Nnoitra shuddered at the memory. Fires that wouldn't go out. A haze of dust that burned on contact. Explosive devices that blew men apart, blinded the eyes, and deafened the ears. There were other horrors, things he didn't want to think about. Like that creeping cloud of poison he'd unleashed towards the end of the war. Magic was one thing. But this wasn't magic, which for the most part had no moral wrong or right. This was designed from the outset to kill painfully. This was a new type of warfare. The man was a monster as surely as Szayel was.

"Oh, yeah. You really don't want to be on his bad side, though his good side is not much better. Szay, he's kinda playful when he likes you. It's all a great big game to him, probably because he doesn't age, so he's got all the time in the world to be awful. Mayuri? He gets down to business fast. If you catch his interest, he's all over you. No preamble. You'll end up like his daughter by the end of it, or worse."

"His daughter?"

"Oh, yes. Nemu. Well…." Yachiru trailed off, looking slightly disturbed, "I mean, don't get me wrong. She's a very sweet girl. But she's just… um… you'll see."

Nnoitra leaned away, eye narrowed.

"And you want me to visit him."

"He's the only person I can think of who can help you."

"Fuck… And you visit him willingly?"

"Well I mean he can't do anything to me because I'm nobility and also I fetch him reagents sometimes so I'm mostly in his good graces. But yeah. In my defense he has a really really cool lab. Sometimes he makes me things to get me to go away. And like I mentioned, he has the loveliest sphinx. And Nemu is very kind too. And you know, sometimes I think she could do with a little company even if she's odd. And she helps out with some of my schemes when she's not busy. And-"

"Got it," Nnoitra growled, cutting her off. She had a tendency to babble, and he had the impression that she would have gone on much longer if he'd let her. "Any advice on how to avoid attractin' his interest too?"

"Well, that's the problem. You kind of do have to get him interested in you, otherwise he'll just ignore you and you'll never figure out what you need to. But since you're Ulqui's body guard, he probably won't do anything too horrible to you."

"Wonderful." Fan-fucking-tastic. "That's real helpful."

"I'll write you a letter of recommendation if you want. That should help things along," Yachiru offered. Nnoitra just shook his head. He was done with all these twisty politics. He just wanted to cut someone's head off already.

"Look, princess, ya got any advice for me that doesn't involve getting dosed with drugs or fucked with?"

"Sure. Don't be such a prick for starters. Or at least don't be so obvious about it. I can set you up with people, but you're the one who has to take it from there. You're the one who's gonna make or break your own success," she replied pertly.

"Any other words of wisdom?"

"Yep. Trust me." She beamed up at him, a little pink headed imp in boy's clothing. Then slowly, she extended a hand. "Friends?"

Nnoitra stared at it, fighting the desire to sneer, and reluctantly clasped her hand in his and gave it a terse shake.

"Friends." The word caught in his throat, but he managed to force it out somehow. There. Let it not be said that he wasn't a goddamn diplomat when circumstances called for diplomacy. He deserved a metal for not laughing.

Yachiru made a high pitched sound of delight and promptly threw her arms around him in the most enthusiastic hug he'd ever received.

"Eeee this is going to be so much fun!"

Nnoitra inhaled sharply and stiffened.

No hurting any of the nobles. He couldn't hurt any of the nobles. Hurting the nobles meant dying very quickly. And if he had to die hurting a noble, he might as well be strategic about it. The princess was not a good target to waste his life on. Patience. He had to be patient.

Yachiru finally let go, and Nnoitra relaxed, though he could feel a few facial muscles twitching with restraint still. The princess took one look at him and giggled.

"Hehehe, you look like someone shoved a stick up your butt. Anyways, we've still got stuff to do today. You really have to go get fitted for some more outfits, and then I'll give you a tour of the rest of the palace grounds and write up a list of important things you should know. And you have homework too. You have to figure out a training regimen for me. And then we can write up a schedule. Oh! And we can organize a secret communication system to pass notes quickly, but we have to be clever about it because mum's spymaster is pretty good. But I'm going to be better, you'll see."

She stood and waited for him to rise before picking her way back up through the cave. Nnoitra made a face, but followed her. Kid acted like he was a puppy to be led around everywhere she pleased. Well, not forever. But he'd be damned if he had to tolerate any more hugs from her. He was putting his foot down on hugging. The handholding and constant nattering was bad enough.

"Hey princess."

"Yeah?"

"No hugs."

Another giggle, though to her credit, she tried to muffle this one.

"Sure thing, Nnoi."

… Nnoi.

Fuck. How long had she been calling him that and he hadn't noticed?

Fucking magic.

Nnoitra growled under his breath and stalked after her. He was never going to get used to this shit.

A/N: When did I put the last chapter up even? *Checks* Oh geez, July of last year. Wow. Yes. This fic was definitely due for an update and I am very sorry it took so long. I'm pretty sure I started this chapter months ago and only now just finished it.

Have some fluff. In fact, have all the fluff. All of it. Cotton candy nauseating fluff.

I have no regrets.

Actually, I do have one. I only realized that the door thing was somewhat similar to the door thing in Howl's Moving Castle after I wrote it. But the concept is different enough that I'm just going to shrug it off. Because this isn't being published for money, so no one can try to sue me for intellectual infringement or something. Yeah.

Weeeee, oh one last thing. Please don't send me anon reviews. I really hate that FFN has now automated anon reviews and I can't figure out how to turn them off :c I just really want to talk to you guys and when you leave me anon reviews it means I can't stalk you and say hello and thank you for your kind words /sobs

That's all for now folks. See you in the next update, whenever that may be.