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Chapter Seven

Dear Jane,

The truth is that I don't know where to start, even less how. The only certainty I have is that I need to talk to you, one way or another, because it is weighing on me too much. I hope that you won't take it badly, I hope that it won't scare you either. I am already afraid myself of the possibe consequences this letter may have on the two of us.

I am not sure to understand what happened, why you suddenly kissed me while I was about to leave. Perhaps I should have seen it come, perhaps it made sense but I was way too blind myself to accept the truth that seemed to rise from your unexpected move.

It stirred up a thousand maybe's, endless what-ifs. But I want you to know that I don't necessarily regret it.

I know that you must feel guilty and probably a tad stupid but you shouldn't. You made me feel alive. For a tiny second, you made me feel alive and wanted. This was something that hadn't happened in a long while. As a matter of fact, I had even drawn a line under the hope to feel this way ever again. I had simply come to the conclusion that I wasn't made for it; that I was too singular to stir up interest in someone. In anyone, actually.

It probably won't happen ever again and if I have to be honest with you then I need to say that I will deeply miss the warmth you brought to me through it. Do you see it as a mistake? It may be one but it is beautiful as well. Accidents don't necessarily have to be tragic. You brought me peace, the burning desire to be loved again. I cannot believe that I am allowing myself to say this. The current distance between you and I has turned into a wonderful ally for the coward person I am. Let's face it. The words come up so easily when I don't have to look at you. They still storm in my brain but at least they finally dare to pass the invisible barrier of abstraction.

It wouldn't be the same if I were in Boston.

There are a thousand things that I want to tell you, that I want to share with you. Oddly, I think that they are all connected to this kiss – 'our' kiss if I dare to qualify it – we happened to share at the airport. Should I speak about a wakeup call? Maybe. Probably. The only issue is that I have no idea where it is supposed to lead me to. I feel lost, and confused. Not lonely though. I am surrounded by wonderful people, here. And there are our Skype sessions, all these text messages we send each other.

You have never been so close to me.

I think about you all the time and I absolutely don't know why. I just know that it is there, within myself, and that I can't ignore it. It doesn't make sense, does it? It isn't the first time that I am away from you for a while, it isn't the first time that I can't share my morning coffee with you. So why? Why is it suddenly so different? What has happened that it causes a part of me to focus on nothing but you?

I wonder if you feel the same. As a matter of fact, I hope you do. I know it is very selfish of me but I can't help it. How disappointed would I be if I happened to know that you aren't going through all this. Everything would crash, just like a house of cards. Then I would be left with nothing but ridiculous memories of a time I used to see as sweet.

I am not asking anything, not really. It is fine by me if we never talk about it, if you prefer to not mention this letter. But please, don't feel sorry. You cannot feel sorry, not after what you did. Please. Don't ruin the odd charm that the moment brought me.

I love you more than anything, Jane. Thank you for existing.

Maura.

She had read it so many times that she now knew it almost by heart. Each word resounded loudly in her head before rushing to her heart to embrace it of an odd bitterness. Sitting on the front porch of the old house, Maura bit her lower lip at the screen of her computer. She was at the mercy of very contradictory feelings. The tension accumulated within herself was desperately asking for release when her reason simply told her that she should delete it.

She had copied and pasted it in the message space. Then she had added Jane's email address and had brought the little arrow to the 'send' button. She simply hadn't clicked on it. Not just yet.

The more she would wait, the more she would have doubts. It was a rather simple game to understand. Sending the email to Jane required a spontaneity that she didn't have. And a lot of courage as well.

Annoyed, she looked up and squinted her eyes at the ocean. It wasn't raining but the sky was gray and the clouds heavy. Still no whale in the distance, nothing but the rage of the Pacific below the vertiginous cliffs on the other side of the old main road.

"Hey, Maura. Do you want to come with us to the diner? I'm dying for French fries and onion rings." Emily walked out of the house and smiled at Maura. Everyone seemed to have taken the decision to have dinner outside as all her roomates suddenly appeared on the front porch, ready to go. "It's just at the corner."

Maura perfectly saw where it was. Depoe Bay was so small anyway that there was only one diner in town. She still had to see any kind of other restaurant outside of this one.

"This is an excellent idea, actually."

She was hungry and spending some time out would break the nonetheless sweet routine of her days in Oregon. Seeing that everyone was waiting for her, she barely cast a glance at the email and clicked on the 'send' button.

She had done it. Her future was sealed.

She immediately brought back her computer inside and abandoned it on top of her bed. She grabbed her bag instead then ran to the porch to join the rest of the group.

Spending some time with her roommates and colleagues would allow her to focus on something else. Of course her bold move would not completely leave her mind but she still would have a way to escape a bit from it.

Alea jacta est* as they used to say.

...

"Leave this barbecue sauce alone, for Christ's sake! There won't be any any more by the time we start eating. Why don't you go put some chips in a salad bowl instead? Gosh..." Jane straightened up and cast a brief glance at the meat on the barbecue. "And get me a beer."

Her mother had had a good idea, she had no choice but to admit it. It was 8pm – the temperatures were still awfully hot – but the smell of a barbecue made everything better. They had transformed the patio into a lovely outdoor dining room. Even Bass had decided to join the party and was now peacefully chewing on his leaves by Maura's lemon tree.

Frankie rolled his eyes but didn't insist. He set back on the table the barbecue sauce and walked inside to go for the beer and the chips. Darts in hand, Frost laughed at the scene. It didn't take anyone long to realize who was the boss in the Rizzoli family when Angela wasn't around. The matriarch had just left to go and buy basil.

"We should do that more often..." Lying in Maura's hammock, Korsak looked at Jane then motioned the patio. "This place's perfect for a summer barbecue."

"Yeah well, you know how Maura is. She's all for dinners with friends but barbecue doesn't make it to her list. Not enough quinoa in it..."

But because she missed her and wanted to have the feeling to share this dinner with Maura, Jane had nonetheless prepared a large bowl of quinoa. It was her own way – a more or less subtle one – to bring homage to her friend.

They hadn't Skype-d yet today. They had sent each other random text messages instead and every single time Jane had tried to put into perspective what Liv had told her at the restaurant she had failed. She had miserably failed.

The psychologist's advices were wise – her statements fair – yet Jane didn't manage to bring herself to put them into practice.

Soon, hopefully.

Frankie walked back outside holding a beer – Jane's cell phone – and a large salad bowl full of chips. He gave the drink to his sister then waved the electronic device.

"You got a message. It rang while I was inside."

Jane nodded and let Frankie be in charge of the barbecue. She grabbed her cell phone then went to sit down at the table with her beer in her hand. She took a long sip of it and let a sigh of satisfaction pass her lips. Spending the evening with people was a nice change. It would make her feel a bit less lonely and – with a little bit of luck – she wouldn't spend the entire time thinking about the dilemma that was tearing down her heart right now.

"Do you want to play darts with me?"

Jane nodded at Frost. She needed some lightness. The whole situation was dragging her down way too much. She was tired of being confused and scared. She opened the little envelope that had appeared on her screen then ran her tongue over her lips.

"You can start if you want. Anyway I'm gonna crash you like you have no idea."

Frost smirked. This comment was a typical Jane comment. She wasn't bad at darts but rarely won nonetheless. Yet her competitive spirit wouldn't let her admit it.

"If you say so..."

The page of her inbox appeared on the screen of her cell phone. She blinked – perplexed and surprised – as she realized that the email came from Maura. They had only used Skype and sent each other text messages until now. Emails were made for long conversations, conversations they actually could have when they called each other. Sending an email did not make much sense.

A bit uncertain, she nonetheless clicked on the message to open it. Her curiosity was piqued. She needed to know the reason why Maura had sent it.

...

*The die is cast