Chapter4

(Jacob)

I needed to think. And as much as I hated it, I needed to be away from her. I held her in my arms, probably tighter than I should. The stubborn expression on her face in any situation would have made me laugh. I couldn't laugh, I couldn't think, I couldn't breath. I needed to be alone with my thoughts, my unbelievably inappropriate thoughts. We ran in silence the rest of the way to school. I felt instant guilt having not given her a proper, fun-loving goodbye, especially on her birthday.

I felt horribly taking her away from that meadow. I know how she's dreamt of it since she was a baby. I knew it was the one place she's always wanted to go. I knew Edward and Bella would be pissed at me for showing it to her instead of them. They planned on taking her there for her last growth, making a celebration out of it when she was fully matured. But for some reason, taking her there was something I thought I needed to do. I wanted us to have a special place too, even though it technically belonged to Edward and Bella first. I didn't mind, and neither would she. It's too beautiful to belong to just two people.

I planned on staying there all day with her. I planned on Quil bringing us a massive picnic lunch with all her favorites, then going hunting together before I gave her the birthday gift I got for her. I wanted to lie there all day in the sun with her, earning smiles, savoring laughs.

I was sprinting without even realizing it, probably half way to Canada by now. I fought my natural instincts with every step I took. My body itched to change into the monster I was, the wolf I was. I wanted to erupt into the frustration I felt with myself, I needed to explode through the unbridled longing that seeped through my every pore.

As much as I wanted to change, I didn't want the pack eavesdropping in on my thoughts right now. I needed to be the only person in my head, which rarely happens.

I slowed to a stop, and feel into a pile of damp leaves, taking slow, controlled breaths. I needed to calm down before my body ended up changing of its own accord. I lay there, keeping my breathing rhythmic, and closed my eyes.

Of course, there she was, as always, the second I shut my lids. She was laying in the meadow under the shadow of the trees surrounding her. Her eyes were closed, but I saw a tear sliding its way down her cheek and around her ear. I watched her chest move up and down with the steady beat of her heart. I couldn't move. I could have stood there and watched her in that little bubble of perfection for hours. I would have let those hours turn into days for all I cared.

I wanted to hold her there, under that tree. I wanted her tears to evaporate under the heat of my fingers. I wanted to watch her open her eyes. I wanted to see the smile on her face when she saw that I was there with her, smiling back. That was all okay. That was normal. That was constant.

I was used to that feeling. Since I first looked her in the eyes, I knew that it would be my life's work to make sure she was happy. I was sure of the fact that she would be the one person in the whole world that I needed to be happy. And I knew that I wanted to be the same thing for her. She was my atmosphere. Her happiness, was required for my own, and that would never change.

The past six years, Renesmee was my oxygen. I loved watching her grow, watching her learn. I loved every moment we spent together. Since she was born, I had more fun with her than anybody else. I would watch her play for hours when she hunted; I would watch her chase birds up trees and over mountains, chasing her and demanding her to come back when she went too far, and scolding her when she would laugh at my scolding voice. I thought about all the times I would take her swimming at La Push, on First Beach. I sighed to myself when I remembered last summer when she forced me to take her cliff diving.

***

"UGH! God Ness, come back, you're too far out!" I yelled to her from where I stopped. We were playing chicken, and that damn girl would not stop swimming. My breaths were short and fast, full of exhaustion and anxiety. I hated when she took risks. I could barley see the beach from where we were, and the water was dark and freezing, I almost got a chill. I couldn't imagine how cold she must be. "Renesmee Carlie Cullen! Get back here! YOU WIN!!" I thought I heard a giggle over her heaving.

"Awe, come on Jake," she screamed to me, still swimming. "Where's the wolf in ya?" I couldn't help it, I chuckled.

"Back at the shore, where we should be," I called to her. She stopped swimming. Just as I thought she gave in, she put the hair in front of her eyes behind her ear and kept swimming. I growled.

"Ness! I'm not joking! Your Dad will snap my neck if you drown or something, you don't want me to die, do ya kid?" I pleaded. She giggled and turned around to face me, the smile on her face was exhausted. This couldn't go on much longer.

"What's in it for me?" she asked. I should have known. She had a plan, of course.

"Well, along with the fact that I won't be dead? I suppose we would discuss some other terms, once you're sitting on that shore." She huffed a smirk, and began to paddle back. Once she got close enough, she climbed on my back, and I swam us at lightning speed back to shore. She giggled before I landed on the sand, laying her next to where I sprawled out, trying to catch my breath. I listened to her splash back into the water. I sat up as quick as I could on my elbow, eyeing her suspiciously.

"Simmer down; I'll stay within a 50 foot radius." I lay back down, watching the clouds, listening to the waves. I let a few minutes pass, and relaxed myself.

"I inquire, what would it take for me to get you to take me cliff diving?"

I laughed, keeping my eyes closed, half laughing at the fact that she was asking me such a ludicrous question. And half at the fact she used the word inquire.

"Irrelevant. Not happening."

"Name your stipulations." She pressed.

"There are no "stipulations", squirt." I stated, inert. "I've had enough of your Webster vocabulary today."

"Gimme some terms, Bub." She giggled, ignoring my joke.

"Absolutely not."

"Come on, just for funsies."

"Funsies? That's hardly a Webster word." I chuckled. "Okay. Uhmm, a million dollars, a million cheeseburgers, a helicopter, a pair parachute pants that are ever expanding, and a pair of those blade fingers that Hugh Jackman has."

I waited for her giggle; we've made countless jokes at Hugh Jackman's expense. I had to wait another few seconds until she rang her supernatural bells. I would run across the world to hear that sound.

"Parachute pants?"

"Yeah, that way when I change I don't always have to carry extra clothes with me."

"Why didn't you ask for a million pairs of those?"

"They are ever expanding Ness, I would only need one pair."

"So your gonna wear the same pair of pants all the time?"

"Yup." I saw no problem? I've only got like 3 pairs of pants I wear regularly anyways. Not all of us are exposed to Alice's assorted wardrobes. Nobody in the Cullen was permitted to wear the same pair of pants twice in the same month. Ridiculous.

"That is highly unsanitary. Since you're already asking for like a million cheeseburgers? The least you could do is ask for a few more pairs of pants, that would make a lot more sense than asking for a million freaking cheeseburgers?-"

She waited for an answer, and kept talking when she just heard my guffaw at her over reaction

"I mean can you even fathom how much food that is? You could never eat that much food; the whole pack couldn't eat that-"

I laughed, me and my pack put together could eat that and more without a glisten of sweat. She continued,

"Why would any sane human waste that m uch food on your ridiculous demands, when that much food could easily feed a third world country. That was very selfish of you Jacob." I sat up, not holding back my amusement. She wasn't pleased.

"It's not very hard to get you off topic." Way to get her back on topic. Idiot.

"Not really, I know exactly what were talking about. Your taking me cliff diving." Her face was persistent.

"Meet my demands, and ill take you cliff diving." I teased. I made them outrageous for a reason.

Taking her cliff diving was something she's been wanting to do for a long time. She has been hassling me about it relentlessly for years, even as a baby. I honestly didn't know if she was strong enough to take the blow if something went wrong, nobody has ever really pushed her strength to the limit before. I had to always keep into consideration that she was only half-vampire. 50% of her was still as delicate as a rose petal, and I wasn't about to take chances. But, even if she were indestructible, I don't think I could handle watching her jump off of the same cliff Bella did all those years ago. If something were to go wrong, I would have to save Ness from the same water, watch her hit the same rocks, over and over and over. Thinking about it made the hairs on the back of my neck stand erect.

Out of nowhere, I was smacked in the face. I immediately sprung up, accidentally letting a growl rip through my clenched teeth, wiping slim off of my face. I looked around to see what she was trying to pull now.

I saw her, a look of pure determination of her face. She was wading in the shallow water. Every 5 seconds, with the blink of an eye, she would pull another flopping fish out of the water and hurl it at me, grunting with each forceful pitch.

Fish hit my face, my stomach, and my feet. I stared at her in disappointed awe, letting the fish flop around me as they fell.

I stared at her while she threw, her facial expression never changing.

"Renes-" A fish flew at my face.

"Renesmee, are you aware of the level you have just stooped too." A starfish hit my forearm this time, suctioning itself to my skin. I plopped it off before continuing.

"Are you honestly throwing live fish at me to get your way?" I wiped slime off of my forehead before continuing.

"This is a little childish, even for you kid." Three fish hit me at one time. Her face didn't show the slightest expression. I let out a chuckle before walking to my motorcycle.

"Alright, enough. Come on. Let's go, we will be late for dinner. Emily is ironically making fish. Be a doll and pick up some of your ammo for her, she'd be thrilled."

As I walked, two more balls of slim hit me in the back, before 4 fish hit my beloved baby motorcycle, knocking her off of her stand, and crashing to the asphalt.

I turned around in response to the chuckle that came from Nessie's chest, she obviously thought knocking down the one thing i loved as much as her, amusing.

She stood in the sand, throwing fish at me that were flopping around my feet, seconds earlier.

I glared at her, about to unleash the beast, only to be greeted by another blow to the forehead.

Her body was chuckling, but her face was impossibly solid.

"FINE!-"another fish in the face.

"Was that a surrender I heard?" she asked, gripping the two fish she held in both hands, ready to Frisbee at a moments notice.

"Ugh, you are exhausting, your parents are gonna shoot me." I groaned, walking toward the cliff with resistance.

"Well it's a good thing your bullet proof, huh Jakey?" she giggled with delight, clapping her hands gleefully, as she ran towards the cliff. I followed her, unenthusiastically. Then she stopped.

"Wait! Oh no! Oh no!" She sprinted back to the fish she left flipping sporadically in the sand, picking them all up at once in her hands, and gently released them back into the waves. She went back for a second trip, returning all the fish before grabbing my hand and towing me up the cliff.

Seconds later, we were standing at the edge of the rocks. Looking down at the crashing wave's god knew how many feet below us.

"Okay you little brat. Rule number one, do not let go of my hand. Those waves could rip you limb from limb-" she scoffed, and I rolled my eyes while I laced our fingers, a notion i secretly indulged, both of us starring at the water. "Rule number two, we go together on three, not a second before or after. Got it?" She squeezed my hand while saluting with a smile. I groaned.

"One, Tw-" Before I could believe it, she karate chopped my hand and carelessly jumped off of the ledge, yelping in delight.

My whole body shook with a mixture of rage, horror, and pure anxiety.

I was fuming; I knew it would have been beyond me to control myself. My eyes were so blurred that I couldn't even look down to see if she fell safely.

I practically ran off of the edge. Howling her name while my body turned inside out in mid-air, growing into the shaggy, massive, snarling beast I was. Luckily, I hit the water before my trunks exploded off of me, surprised I even noticed, considering that was the absolute last thing on my mind.

I looked around me in panic, the waves moving me every-witch way. It took me a few minutes until I found her, paddling as fast as she could to the beach, I growled as loud as I could, to let her know the wrath waiting for her at the shoreline. I heard her hysteric laughter as I swam, filling me with more fury.

I watched her reach the sand, relived she was okay, but still plotting every word I would say to her the second I changed. I saw her topple over herself in loud, uninhibited laughter that could have broken glass. I despised that it was the most magnificent sound in my world.

I'm on my way dude. I heard Seth think, or chuckle rather. I growled in response. With that, I reluctantly changed, and walked up as close to her as I could, without exposing myself from underneath the water. She was still cracking up; I stared at her with blazed eyes of resentment. This was the opposite of funny.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH I BET...BET...THOSE PARA...PARACHUTE PAINTS…WOULD...CO...COME IN HANDY RIGHT...RIGHT…RIGHT ABOUT NOW!"

She could barley choke out her words. I stared. After she calmed down, she looked at me, kneeling in the water, trying to hide myself from her innocent eyes. The sight spun her into a new fits of laughter. I didn't see the hilarity. I waited, glaring. She finally was able to breath, possibly able to speak comprehensibly.

"This does not in any way, shape, or form, resemble a laughable situation, you could have been killed." I hissed at her.

She looked up at me, her body coated with sand.

"You should have seen yourself change in mid-air, you should have heard my name turn into a bark. You would be rollin' with me friend."

"I most certainly would not!" I bellowed "You don't understand how dangerous those cliffs are! Your mother almost died on those cliffs Renesmee! They aren't something you get to piss me off with." She looked more serious now.

"Jake, I know. But Mom was a human when she did that. I'm a little more durable than you guys give me credit for, so stop acting like I'm a piece of breakaway glass. I will have you know that I slammed against like 17 rocks every time those waves heaved me, and I don't have a scratch. So get over it, I didn't mean to scare you. Sorry."

"You will be, your parents are gonna tear you to shreds," I unthinkingly tried to walk of the tide, but then quickly realized I was bottomless and swiftly shrunk back into the water, covering myself. That did it; she was back, rolling in the sand, playing 10 different instruments at once. Her laughter filled the sky, and echoed off of the rocks.

"How old are you, 10?!" I gaped at her, amazed by her immaturity.

"Actually, I'm 6."She retorted, sarcastically.

I scoffed.

And then we both looked at each other, her face full of amusement, mine full of irritation. After a few minutes of listening to the waves, we both sighed into each others eyes, smiling adoringly at one another before busting up into laughter and yet another one of our ridiculous situations.

***

I smiled to myself at the memory, just one of countless. She really was my best friend. I valued her more than anybody on this globe; she was so innocent, so lovable. I pictured in my head, going through her personal timeline in my head, watching her grow within my memories.

It went so fast, years of a childhood she would never get. She would never go through pre-schools, never do show and tells, never flirt with a boy by pushing him in the mud. She never got to truly enjoy being a toddler, a pre-teenager. She never got to obsess over boy bands without being made fun of, it never looked right for her to ride the rides outside of grocery stores, to play with dolls, to play dress up, have tea parties with her stuffed animals. She only got a few months of those experiences, when she would have had years to live carefree. How did I know that she was happy being grown up, so fast? And more importantly, how could I take the little innocence she has left, away from her?

I was used to wanting to make her happy in a certain way, to just simply being her big brother Jacob, her best friend Jacob. It was okay for me to play chicken with her at the beach, to take her to the pack bonfires and watch her facial expression while Embry told scary stories. I was okay with her enjoying her childhood, her carefree years. I was content admiring her lighthearted, stress free personality, joking with me like friends should joke with one another.

I wasn't used to this new feeling I was beginning to develop for my Nessie. I wanted her; I wanted to be with her, I needed it. I wasn't used to noticing the way her clothes hung on her, the curves of her body, or getting butterflies whenever she would cuddle me, or when she held my hand. I wasn't used to wanting to crush my lips to hers every time I drew breath; I didn't understand why I needed to have her in my arms at all times, why I couldn't help myself from brushing my fingers to her cheek. I wasn't okay with these feelings. She was just too young. I was a selfish person for even considering these feelings when she wasn't even fully matured. Technically, she was 7 years old? Ness was always beautiful to me, she always would be. But I was hoping these types of feelings for her wouldn't come for another few years, until she totally milked her childhood dry. It wasn't enough to just love her anymore. I was ready to be in love with her, and that scared me to death.

Renesmee was my imprinted soul mate. I knew these feelings would come eventually, and I knew I would have to deal with them. I just wasn't aware of how far they would shove me. I knew I would be with her forever, but how do I know when our forever is supposed to begin?

What if she didn't accept me? What if she didn't want me? What if she couldn't see me that same way I saw her? The thought knocked the wind out of me. I drew a few long breaths before getting up and walking farther into the forest in a steady stride.

The fact that she didn't know that I was born to be desperately, mind numbingly in love with her didn't help the situation. The fact that she didn't know that the only reason I know her is because I used to be in love with her mother didn't really make my case either. How do you explain that?

What would Bella and Edward think? We agreed that we wouldn't say anything to her at all about the imprinting until she was at least fully matured. I hated myself that I couldn't wait that long. I wanted to dig myself a hole in the middle of whatever forest I was, and never come out.

At the same time, I couldn't stand to be away from her. The distance now was practically torture. I didn't know what she was thinking, who she was talking to, if she was sitting or standing, if she pulled her hair back up or just left it down. I needed her in my life, as my oxygen. This girl, the only girl in the world would have me caged for the rest of my existence. I thought of her giggle earlier when I swept her above my shoulders, the tear on her cheek, my heart swelling in my chest when she told me she loved me.

My knees gave out, and I staggered to the ground. I was immobilized. My heart thumping with the adoration I felt for a girl, the only girl in the world, which took up not even a square foot of space on this earth, a square foot that I cant be without, 120 pounds of perfect that I could not breathe without. Every hair on her head, every nail on her finger was prized to me. She was my sun, my world, my life, my girl, the girl I would love until the day I died, until my heart stopped beating. My life suddenly became clear of purpose but for her, I suddenly knew why I drew breath in the morning, why I dreamt at night. She overwhelmed my mind and overpowered my soul. My body felt like it was going to burst, not capable of containing this sensation, I couldn't hold it in, and it was suffocating me, reddening my face and cutting off my blood circulation. I burst into tears, desperately trying to let the love escape me in some form, but also not wanting it too. I wanted to share this with her; I needed to prove to her how I needed her. I cried, wailing with every breath. Attempting to rid my body of the desperation I felt for this girl, the girl. There were no words. I couldn't speak, couldn't think. I saw her face. I had to have it; I needed it to be mine. I needed her to belong to me.

With that, I was sprinting again. And before I knew it I was bursting into the cottage. Bella was sitting at the piano with Edward, both of them beaming at the keys as they played Chopsticks in perfect harmony. They turned at the thud of the door, Bella bursting from the stool when she saw the tears in my eyes, the expression on my face. I fell to the couch, covering my face in my hands. Edward crossed the room, and sat next to Bella, who was crouched beside the couch waiting for me to explain.

"Jacob…" Edwards tone was tense through gritted teeth.

"You guys, just hear me out." I sat up, and uncovered my face, preparing to claim my destiny a few years ahead of schedule.