AUTHORS NOTE: This chapter has been a long time coming. I am ardently sorry for it taking so long. I have practice exams the past two weeks, but now that they are out of the way until my finals in June I can finally update regularly. Also, excuse the pun in the chapter heading. Thank you so much for being patient and of course, for reviewing.
Chapter Four – Four
Chasing Down Shadows
I feel a sudden pang of guilt as I walk away from Tris. I question my motive for leaving her, but I find small pleasure in her pleading tone. My heart pounds as it begins to pick up its pace. I speak about trust, but do I even know what that entails? As I enter back into the faction building I wonder if she will stand her ground or leave. I eat solemnly, my mind never really leaving Tris. Time passes by slowly and I try to occupy my mind with other trivial matters. Even though I have slept for eleven hours I feel restless. I know I need to do something physical, so after I finish eating I head to my room. I change into a black vest that covers everything but my arms and then make my way back across my room. I need to burn the extra energy I have accumulated, so I will take a short jog in the hall. My hand lingers over the door handle when I see something glimmer in the corner of my eye.
I turn to look and there is a throwing knife on my desk. I walk towards it and pick it up. I analyse it, confused. I have no idea where this knife had come from. I know Tris carries a set on her at all times, but surely she wouldn't have left one behind. I twist the handle carelessly in my palm and in the silver blade, I acknowledge my reflection. It seems unfamiliar to me. I know I have to return the knife to Tris, but something still loiters in my mind. What if it isn't Tris's? I glance away momentarily and as I do the knife falls from my palm. I flinch away but it's too late. As the knife falls the blade tips forwards, the handle's weight carrying it towards me. I feel a sharp pain and a poignant clang as it hits the floor.
I look down at my vest and notice a small slit and through it I can see my peachy coloured skin. I slip my fingers beneath my vest and lift it. I feel rapid relief upon acknowledging that nothing is there, but then seconds later a scarlet liquid makes itself known as it begins to rush to the surface. It seeps through the top layer of my skin, but not enough to drip. It sits covering the small slit on my stomach. I sigh, pick the knife up and place it back on the desk. I flippantly search the drawers for tissue, but I have nothing. The cut is thankfully not deep, but I don't want to dirty another shirt. I replace my vest and head straight to the infirmary before going out to see Tris.
Upon entering the infirmary I help myself to antiseptic wipes in the cupboard to the back of the room. I lift my clean vest up and pat it down. It stings slightly, but not much. I discard the wipe and hold a layer of fresh tissue on the wound. After a few seconds of applying pressure the blood disappears, but my skin looks raw. I'm not entirely sure that I care, so I discard of the tissue and leave to find Tris.
I enter into the grounds and wait for her to come into sight. It is almost dark now. Lights that surround the faction are illuminating the area. I feel the cool breeze hit me like ice and I feel the hair on my lower arms lift. I stroll across the grounds, half expecting to still see Tris knocking the steel balls across the field. Instead, I see her a faint figure in the distance doing front flips and growling in frustration. The figure does it again, but upon landing, stumbles and hits the floor.
"What are you doing?" I ask now looking at Tris sitting on the floor.
"I was bored," she shrugs. Her tone seems flat.
"You stayed…" I say, my tone relieved.
"Of course I did," she says and she looks up at my face. My relief must be showing because she quickly adds to her original sentiment. "You trusted me to stay."
"That I did," I smile and she pulls her body weight from off the floor. She stands awkwardly in front of me. "I take it by your leisurely activities that you did what I asked?"
"Yes, at least… I think. I think I got two in," she side glances at me after patting herself down, "You were gone a while so afterwards I thought I'd practice what Uriah had been teaching me."
"Which is what exactly? Throwing your weight to the floor?" I jest and her facial expression resembles that of resentment. I can't remember the last time we had spoken this much. The past couple of days it had been one or two word answers, but now it felt personal.
"No… I'm trying to do front flips. I can't seem to push myself back up afterwards though."
"Gravity is not your friend, it is your enemy," I say. I lift one of her hands and flatten it out so her palm rest on mine. I can feel the dirt on hers mix with my rough skin. She quickly glances from my eyes to our hands. I know I make her nervous, I can sense it. "You don't put your force into your palms… you put it into your legs. Let your legs carry you." She looks away from our hands that touch and to my face. Our eyes meet and I begin to feel pressured. I analyse the structure of her face, my eyes scanning her expression. She blinks several times so I take the chance to break our gaze and she drops her hand.
"So when my palms are on the floor... I use my legs to flip?"
"Correct," I say bluntly and she rolls her shoulders back.
"Right…" she says. I realize she's preparing to do it again. The way she rolls her shoulders several times makes her shoulder blades stick out. They're so small. She sprints a couple of steps and leaps with her palms out, they rest against the floor momentarily and she pushes off again. The movement is so quick, that in the dark I can barely see it. I notice she lands in a crouch and she sighs again.
"Better!" I exclaim to boost her confidence.
"It's still not correct though!" She yells over to me evidently frustrated. I find myself smiling.
"No, but you improved. You landed it. More practice and you'll be able to flip and land standing."
"Well," she walks back over to me. "Are you coming?"
"Where?"
"Well it's late… I haven't eaten and I promised I would see Mack today." After she speaks she cocks her head to the left slightly. This is one of the first times she has openly told me so much, maybe she was wondering why. I am wondering why.
"You go ahead, I need to collect the equipment in," I say stepping away from her.
"You're not serious? It's dark, you won't find anything… do it in the morning, before training. I will help you. After all, I know where I hit them… well vaguely and you don't." She had made a fair point and I nod once in reply.
I walk towards her and she matches my pace as we head inside. I am not sure where I am going and I am not sure if I should still be accompanying her. She had asked me to come inside, but she didn't ask me to escort her. She doesn't say anything so I walk with her nonetheless. She pauses outside a room and knocks. Uriah opens the door and smiles wide at Tris.
"What a surprise," he says and then his eyes clamp on me to her right. "Oh... I'm sorry about earlier," his tone is honest so I accept his apology with a brisk nod, but it doesn't change the fact that he meant it at the time. A part of me knows that what Will said was true, but Uriah wasn't the one who had said it. I couldn't hold him down for something he hadn't said. It was the same for Tris too. I slip my hands into the front pocket of my trousers and look away.
"Where's Mack?" Tris asks witnessing the empty room. I glance around and notice both of the beds are untouched.
"Oh… the thing is… he didn't have food poisoning… that's what we all thought it was, but apparently he had a seizure of some sort during the day." His face looks grave. I begin to wonder myself where Tris's friend is. She evidently cares about him because her face is distraught.
"So where is he?" Tris demands, her tone upset. She steps forward and her pony tail falls from her shoulder and hangs down her back.
"The infirmary…" Uriah replies and Tris begins to walk away.
"Thanks, I'll see you tomorrow," she says back and I hear the door click shut behind me.
"You're going to the infirmary?" I ask and she nods.
"I promised I would see him," she smiles weakly, but I don't smile back.
I stand in the infirmary doorway when Tris enters. I watch as she begins to walk over to Mack's bedside, but she pauses in her step and turns to look at me. She nods towards Mack as if welcoming me inside, as if I need the push, but I don't know him and I feel awkward. I step inside and stand at the bottom of Mack's bed. He opens his eyes and looks up at Tris.
"Hey stranger," he smiles and Tris leans forward. "How long has it been?"
"A day…" she says and he laughs, but stops immediately. He looks to be in pain. I turn my attention around the room. I feel like I'm interrupting their privacy.
"I meant since I'd seen you, like two months is it?"
"Oh! Yeah, but when Uriah told me I promised I'd visit you, but then I was told you were moved here," she gestures towards the bed.
"Four? Weren't you here earlier?" He says and my eyes quickly avert to Tris. I had expected him to acknowledge me, especially when he was mid conversation with Tris.
"Yes," I reply and before I can add to it, Tris gives me a look I cannot comprehend. I look back at Mack. "So you know who I am?"
"Of course I do! I'm ill not destitute!" He says and I laugh.
"No I mean because we've never met." I smile and fold my arms over my chest. It must stretch my stomach because I feel a dull but sharp pain. I ignore it.
"Well yeah, there's that, but I do know your name. Though I am wondering why someone like you is by my bedside?" He says and Tris answers for me.
"I work with him now," she shrugs her shoulders and leans back.
"Oh initiate training, which you swapped us out for."
"I didn't swap you out," she scorns.
"Whatever you say," he smiles weakly, "So you're friends?" He acknowledges and Tris looks at me. I remember what I'd said yesterday. I had told her we couldn't be friends. She opens her mouth to answer, but I get in there first.
"Yeah," I say and Mack laughs. I see Tris smile, although she doesn't look at me.
"Blimey Tris, you've actually made a friend."
"Shut up," she blushes.
"Not so Stiff now are you?" He jests and she rolls her eyes.
"I'm just going to leave you to rest… it seems you're doing fine," she snipes back and he smiles.
"Yeah… the problem is that they won't let me go until morning."
"Well keeps you out of people's way doesn't it," she says and he smiles.
"See you later, Stiff," he says and Tris walks around his bedside. "Later Four."
"Bye," I finish and walk out by Tris's side. We silent walk down the hallway and down the stairs until we arrive at the chasm. It's empty and absent minded, I begin to walk straight past it.
"Hold up," Tris's voice says from behind. It sounds distant. When I turn to look I realize she had stopped as we entered into the room. I walk back past the chasm and pause in front of her. "Why was you in the infirmary earlier?"
"Ah," I reply. I knew she wouldn't let it go, her facial expression had told me that much when Mack announced it. I cross my arms over my chest, but this time tightly and lean up against the pillar. "I dropped a knife." I say bluntly. I want to leave it at that. Usually I don't tell people things, but with Tris it's different. I don't want her to pry further because I know I will tell her what she wants to know.
"You what?" Her eyebrows knit together and creases appear on her forehead. It's evident she cares and it makes me happy.
"You left one of your knives in my room and when I was looking at it… I dropped it. That's all." She pulls my hands out and my arms uncross themselves. She looks at my palms as if expecting to see a cut big enough to send me to the infirmary. She drops them and looks at me again. I think about telling her I just went there for antiseptic wipes, but I know I will look weak in her eyes.
"Then… what did you cut?" She asks and I feel utterly stupid. I feel embarrassed. I feel babied. I was meant to be the one who looked after her and instead she was making me look like the one who needed to be looked after. I sigh and lift my vest slightly. Her eyes lower to my movement and a sigh leaves her lips shortly after.
"You idiot," she says smiling.
"Yup, brute and now idiot," I nod.
"That's not how I meant it," she fights back.
"Yeah, I know…" I look away. Can she not see that I am embarrassed? That I am defending myself with sarcasm?
"So we're friends now?" She adds and I shrug my shoulders.
"I suppose," I say through gritted teeth.
Yesterday, I had told her we couldn't be friends, but it wasn't because I was pushing her away or because I didn't like her. She had walked away from me offended and it had offended me in return. When I had told her that we couldn't be friends I meant it because I wanted to be more than friends. We are friends now, but I don't want to be. I worry she can hear my thoughts because her smile begins to fade. I realize now how close we are standing. She's close enough for me to touch. I had held her hand today and she hadn't flinched. Would she flinch if I moved closer? If I closed this gap? If I touched her face with my palm?
"I'm tired… I'll see you tomorrow," She breaks the silence and I subsequently break from my daze.
"Yeah… sure… see you tomorrow," she walks away and my chance is gone.