Chapter 7

The Broken Void

I find myself lost in a void that I cannot escape. I feel guilty. I told Four something that I can never take back. I left him in the simulation testing room and hadn't bothered to look back. Part of me wonders why I am sharing so much of my life with him now, but the other part of me is glad. Talking to Four about my fear of affection and caring made me realize that I can't just let my friendship with Uriah slip from my grasp. Especially when I have so little friends.

"Tris," a voice calls from behind. I half expect it to be Four, but it isn't.

"Alex…" I say unimpressed.

"Where are you going?"

"Go back to your rooms," I reply bitterly and Alex pauses in his step. I sigh and pause in mine. "Why?" I ask and his face reflects that of pain. My words couldn't have wounded him that much, he is a Dauntless after all. Something was underlining this situation. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, never mind. I'll see you tomorrow," he says slinking off back down the hallway. I cock my head to one side. That was one of the shortest conversations I had encountered since joining this faction.

"Tris," I hear Uriah call from the opposite direction. Everyone seems to be finding me this evening.

"Uriah, I was just coming to find you," I start but his lips open as though he wants to say something too.

"I want to apologise. My actions were selfish… I did it because of Marlene." Four had been so precise with his prediction that it was uncanny. Amused, I smile to myself. Uriah wasn't wasting any time in being so direct.

"I had a feeling that was it, I saw her go past moments before. Well did it work?"

"Well considering I never even kissed you, it worked a treat," he jested causing me to laugh. "Are you coming back?"

"No, I'm going to turn in for the night," I say patting him on the back. I also don't think that Marlene will desire my company.

"Turning in? You're kidding right? You woke up no more than three hours ago."

"I know, I just ache, that's all." I smile and Uriah smiles sympathetically.

"Well if you're sure… I'll see you at breakfast tomorrow." He says turning off and disappearing.

"And here's me about to ask you if you wanted to do something?" Four says from the same direction Alex had disappeared.

"Do I have a transmitter on me or something?" I sigh in annoyance.

"What?" He asks confused.

"It doesn't matter," I say and finally look up at him, "What did you have in mind?"

"Well… I didn't that's why I was going to ask," he smiles amused and I force a laugh. It takes too much energy.

"I was going back to bed, you can come back to my room if you would like?" I say and instantly regret it because his face twists up.

"Or we could go to mine? I don't share my room," he admits and I know he has a fair point. I am about to agree, but I think about the awkward situation we just endured and I rethink my answer.

"Maybe some other time," I smile weakly and turn towards my room.

"Are you alright Tris?" He asks after me, but I don't answer. Instead I wave my hand at his comment.

As the days drag on I find myself avoiding both Four and Christina. I avoid him because I don't want to talk about what he saw in my landscape and I avoid Christina because I don't want to show her my tattoo. As the second week of initiate training comes to a close I take up extra shifts on the city wall. I lost my job to Eric and I need to keep busy to keep my mind from wandering. I entertain myself with the patrol and the nature that surrounds the city.

As I peer over the fence and into the distance, I see nothing but what appears to be marshland. I wonder what it would be like to step foot on such a terrain. I hang my gun over my shoulder and watch as three small birds fly over the fence and disappear into the setting sun before me. I endure the humming sounds of their wings as they breeze by. It settles me.

"Hey stranger," Four says leaning on the fence next to me. I glance at him and he is looking into the distance also. "Why do I get the feeling you're avoiding me?"

"I'm not avoiding you," I lie.

"You never were good at lying," he smiles, he still doesn't look at me.

"Sounds like your missing me," I say leaning over a little more so that I can see the other side of the wall and the floor beneath.

"It's been days Tris. Things were left slightly awkward," I almost cringe at his words. It took all of thirty seconds for the topic to arise.

"I don't like awkward situations," I shrug. "Hence the avoidance."

"If you had no intention of talking to me after what you showed me, then why did you bother in the first place?"

"It's easier to tell someone that I don't know much than to tell someone I have to face every day," I mumble.

"You don't want to see me every day then I take it?"

"No of course I do… I meant that-"

"I understand what you meant," he says and I hear the pain in his voice. "Can we not put what you showed me behind us?"

"Never," I say smiling at him. "I don't want you to forget."

"Good because I can't." Though the conversation isn't to my tastes, I can't help but acknowledged that I have missed human interaction "I don't want you fearing me Tris." It's a little too late for that, I think. I already care.

"I can't do what you ask."

"Why?"

"I could fear you one day…"

"Does this mean you already care?"

"You know my fears… I could fear a minimal number of things with you." I watch as he rolls my fears through his mind. "I have work to do." I say stepping away from him and I can feel his eyes on me as I leave.

As I walk away I see Eric ahead. His facial features are all twisted as he points his finger at another dauntless, his gun at hand. He's angry, really angry. I try to slip by unnoticed but he catches me trying to slink off and directs his way over to me.

"Where do you think you're going Stiff?" He asks and I slowly look at him. His frown lessens I think I almost see him smile, but I know smiling is beyond him. I look over his shoulder and catch Alex pacing away from us. Eric had been shouting at Alex, but why?

Since I became a dauntless two years ago Eric has only spoken to me when either insulting me or challenging me. This was the latter. Every challenge we have faced, he has always won because of his brutality. I'd say he puts me to shame, but it's only a reflection on him for picking on the weaker faction members.

"Back to the compound, why?" I ask continuing to walk and he walks by my side.

"How is initiate training?"

"Are you trying to make small talk with me?" I taunt him and I watch as rage boils in his blood. I remember when Eric used to strike fear in me. Now, not so much.

"Now why would I do that? Stiff." He adds the nickname almost last minute, as if it is diseased.

"Then what do you want?" I ask beginning to get annoyed and impatient.

"It's a little boring out here don't you think?" He looks at me knowingly as if he knows the things me and the others get up to on patrols. I turn to glance at Four. He's walking towards us so I speed up a little more.

"Look what are you getting at?"

"A competition, here tomorrow night."

"What… me and you?"

"Where's that brain of yours Stiff? Meet me here."

"Fine. You're on." I say as he smirks. I leave him with his childish whims and disappear before Four catches up.

I go to bed late that night and wake up early the following morning. It is Friday, which means a new set of results are released for the initiates. I can't help but worry about them. I don't want Chris getting into this faction, but besides Alex he is the strongest contender. We get the results before the initiates and as I eat breakfast with Uriah we discuss them. Alex is above Chris, he has the first position, which also means he is in danger.

I watch as the initiates begin flooding into the room in groups. Chris is talking to Alex with a snide look spread across his face. I can't help but worry about him. He's grew on me and he's another person added to the list of what makes me vulnerable, of what makes me care. I hear a number of reflecting noises before they all convene into groups.

I quickly clean up after breakfast and begin training the initiates for their final week. Drew is still missing and I wonder whether he will return for the final week. I work alongside Four and Christina in explaining the effects of the simulation serum. That they will get by on how they can control their fears and that alone. They seem to take it in well and I monitor as Four sets up the simulation serum numerous times. Some taking longer than others to get through their landscapes. However, Alex gets through his in under fourteen minutes.

As I walk down the hallway rubbing the tiredness from my eyes I can't help but feel as though something is wrong with me. Though I have been sitting in a chair for majority of the day, I am lethargic. Numerous times throughout the day I shared uncomfortable glances with Four and even worse one's with the initiates.

"Tris, let's do something," Four's voice demands from behind and I halt in my step. He sounds confident and much more upbeat than before.

"Okay?" I ask and he smiles. He probably thinks I'm giving up, but in reality I crave company.

"What do you want to do?"

"Wait… you make the demand and you don't even know?" I ask amused and his features become stern. I watch as Eric walks past us, his shoulders broad as he smirks maliciously at me. I wonder what his problem is, but then Four breaks my line of thought.

"If I force you to do something with me I might see something other than the back of your head all the time." He jabs at me and I turn my eyes to the floor.

"I'm not sure there is anything to do, unless you want to get matching tattoos." His eyes become harder than his face and I recant what I said. "That was a joke… we can go sit in your room and eat muffins and marshmallows if you prefer." I say trying to make a sarcastic jest at a girl's activity.

"Okay," he smiles and I cough slightly.

"Oh… Erm… do you have any food?" I ask following him towards his rooms and he contemplates for a moment.

"Erm… no?" He says unsure. I smile tugging on his arm and guiding him towards my rooms.

"We'll take a quick detour," I say.

When we arrive in my rooms I go to Christina's side of the room and take some of her food supplies. I throw a bag of chocolate chips at Four and he just about catches it. He flips it in his hands a few times and then continues to watch me scrabble under her bed for food.

"This isn't a picnic you know…" he says. It isn't a question. I laugh turning to walk out the room with a small bag of muffins.

"There's one thing you'll learn about me soon," I say and he smiles following me out the room.

"It's that you over sleep and over eat?"

"Hey!"

"Well it's not a bad thing, you're still incredibly thin," he recounts and I feel my lips slant. Had he just tried to compliment me? And had he been looking at my figure?

When we enter into his room I sit on the edge of his bed and hold out my hand. He stares at me blankly and I sigh, getting up to take the chocolate chips from his grasp and sitting back down. He turns about the room, turning lights on where needed and then leans against the dresser as I pour some chips into my hand and toss them into my mouth.

"Are you happy, Tris?" He asks and I recoil slightly. He had said my name. The conversation had turned serious.

"I guess?" I accumulate.

"Are you sure?"

"Why?"

"If I ask you something, will you answer honestly?"

"It depends on-" I begin but he gives me a stern look and I recant, "sure."

"Are you depressed?"

"Depressed?"

"You seem slightly lost… you sleep too much and you eat like a house," I gasp at his last remark and he smiles, "sorry."

"I don't think I am depressed, maybe just…"

"Lonely..."

"No, not quite lonely. I have Christina and-" That's it, that is all I have. My mind has gone blank and when I look up at Four again his eyes are on the floor. "I'm lonely." I admit and there is an awkward silence that follows.

I debate leaving, but then he sits by my side on the bed. I feel the mattress give way as it adjusts to his extra weight. He takes the chocolate chips out of my hand and starts to tip some in his mouth. I watch him as he chews. The outline of his jaw is strong and muscular, his stubble runs along it, freshly shaven. His eyes are locked firmly on the floor, until he looks at me and I feel distracted. Our eyes meet as he swallows the chocolate chips and I smile.

"So Four-" I start but he wades in.

"Tobias."

"Sorry what?"

"My name… its Tobias," he says looking at me and I feel myself become momentarily speechless. "I know your name I think it's only fair you know mine."

"A little personal don't you think?" I say and he smiles.

"You were personal with me," he has a fair point.

"Nice to meet you Tobias," I smile and he chuckles.

"Better late than never, eh?"

"I'm sure I've heard that name somewhere before?" I say and he shrugs.

"It's a common name," he insists, but I know it isn't.

"Do you ever think wonder if there's more to life than protecting this city?" I change the subject as I lie back on the bed. He lies back beside me before he answers. I enjoy him being so close, but I can't tell him that. I can feel the heat of his arm against mine.

"Sure… if we don't die we'll be kicked out… we'll become factionless," he says.

"You'll be eighty before you're too old to do anything," I say and he chuckles.

"I'll take it as a compliment," I feel him move. He rubs his eyebrow with his index finger.

"That's not what I meant though."

"I don't know, isn't this a taboo subject? I guess there is more to life… but then life is what you make of it. If you want more you have to go out and get it."

"What with all the restrictions?"

"What you want is really that far out of the boundaries?"

"I don't know what I want, but let's be logical here. You can't do anything outside of your own faction."

"We're lucky… at least we get to roam the city," he points out and I sigh.

Our conversation goes on like this until night falls and even then we discuss trivial things that dwell on our minds. The conversation never dies between us and I enjoy it. I also realize soon after that it is the first time I have seen him let his protective walls down. As we lie side by side and with this new knowledge in mind, I find myself leaning in slightly. It feels like I leaned in more than what I did because Four leans in at the same time. It closes twice as much distance and I recoil yet again by sitting up.

"Sorry," I say and he sighs.

"That's twice now," he says and my heart skips a beat. It hurts. Why can we just not speak?

"I just don't think I can. I am sorry."

"I know you feel it too," he says and I feel guilt ridden.

He basically just admitted he has feelings for me and all I am doing is rebuffing him. When in reality all I want to do is kiss him. I am scared. I am scared of all the commitments and drama that comes with crossing the boundaries so I hold myself back. Then I become aware of the drama I am causing by not kissing him. My head starts to spin. It is best if I stay reserved, but the fact still remains: that what is deemed best is not always what I want.

"Maybe I do…" I say and after a few moments of staring at each other he leans in again and I quickly reach out to place my hand on his cheek. He pauses and then looks at me. My touch is new to him and whilst he is still speechless I stand up I pick up the bag of muffins on the way and I hear him sigh as I walk towards the door. "Keep the chips."

I begin to head back to my room, but I can't rest now. The adrenaline is pumping inside me and I am wide awake. I am wide awake and scared. I head back down to the pit, but everyone is gone. It's almost midnight. Four had stayed up with me until this ridiculous time, it was unfathomable. It suddenly hits me that he does care, but it changes nothing. I feel a weight that is heavy on my chest so I sit down on a bench to the side of the pit and begin eating a chocolate chip muffin. The sweeteners sooth my throat and the doughy cake consistency slowly fills my stomach. It relaxes me and I now feel calm.

I forget how long I have been sitting there because when I reach into the bag for another I find it empty. I have eaten seven muffins absent minded. Christina isn't going to be best pleased. I will have to promise to buy her more. With that in mind, I make headway for our rooms. Surely she has noticed her food is missing and I know I would rather face her wrath sooner rather than later. As I open our bedroom door I find her passionately kissing Will on the end of the bed. They are in a position I don't want to intervene with. In shock I silently close the door and hover outside the room. I let my back slump on the wall as I think about everyone but myself.

Christina was in a happy relationship with Will and it is rare that I see them argue. The way she looks at him… I know she treasures him. Uriah after today's events had successfully got Marlene's attention and my bet is that they will also soon be an item. Though it was disrespectful to Marlene, the length he went near to grab her attention shows he cares. And then there's me. Sitting outside my own room alone, because I have isolated myself.

Without thinking I pick my weight up off the wall and pace back towards Four's rooms. I start to feel nervous as I walk down his corridor, I debate stopping outside to think things over, but if I hesitate now I know I will never pull though. I bang on his door a lot louder than I had expected to. My hands are shaking. No one answers. I bang again, this time thumping with the side of my fist and the door swings open.

Four is standing there with an angry expression, which soon turns flat. I walk into his room without being asked. I feel rude, but I need to get it out the way with. He sarcastically gestures for me to come in and then closes the door. I roll my eyes at his gesture and a thought taints my mind. What would happen if I kissed him right now? Would I be able to? He's so tall and he'd be able to push me away. I couldn't handle that rejection.

"I am scared. I am lonely and to be quite honest yes I have feelings for you," I say and he smiles. "I know I am stubborn, but fear is strong and I fear my emotions… I-"

Before I can continue Four reaches out with his hands and rests them on my cheeks. In the same moment I feel his lips cover mine and my eyes close, succumbing to his every move. I would say it happened quickly, but it didn't. He had approached me naturally and I saw him coming towards me and had time to push him back, but I didn't. I reach out for him with my hands and he lets one of his hands slide down to my waist as though he is hungry.

Now it's happening quickly.

I rush my right hand up to his neck and leave my hand clenching at his shirt. He squeezes with the hand on my waist slightly and I run my hand through his hair, allowing my lips to open. His lips mirror mine and I feel his tongue enter into my mouth as I get knocked back. Surprisingly, he holds my weight and I remain standing. Our kissing has become urgent and our hands are moving rapidly over each other.

Our mouths disconnect whilst he pulls his shirt over his head, leaving me to grasp at nothing but skin. He is warm to the touch and it welcomes my body in. Our lips unite again and I am no longer afraid. His tongue slides against mine and I am surprised to find that I enjoy it. He tastes sweet. A sweetness that is fresh. He has been eating my chocolate chips whilst I was gone. I hum in pleasure and we part once more.

"You've been eating my chocolate chips…" I accuse and he chuckles leaning his forehead against mine.

"Forgive me…"

"I'm not complaining…" I say because I am not. His mouth tasted like heaven. I rest my lips against his once more and I feel him frown in angst. "Do you think it's weird?"

"Do I think what is weird?" He asks as his lips brush past mine. I am thirsty for his touch, but I need an answer.

"That we've only been talking again for a little over a week and we're already… well you know."

"That's not weird, I have been waiting for you." He says and I know I should find it romantic, but it makes me recoil. I lean away and his hand drops from my face. "What?" He asks and to break our eye contact I take a few steps further into his room.

"It's just that was… weird," I feel a smile creeping onto my lips at my lack of vocabulary. "You've been waiting for me…"

I remember what he said about watching me and Uriah. It all comes flooding back. He had chosen to do City's Security with me and he almost kissed me then too. He had offered me his room. My thoughts begin to worry me but then I recall that I have also been watching him. I had even taken him up on his offer when I didn't have to. My feelings for him haven't changed since my own initiations two years ago. I had always been dwelling in the past, dwelling on him.

We have been quiet for a while.

"Do you want me?" His tenor radiates a sense of enigma.

"I don't just want you," I turn to look at him on his shortness of breath. He looks completely and utterly emotionally shattered. I watch as he braves through it and his face becomes blank once more, but not his eyes. I can see the ocean in his eyes. It's limitless.

"The past two years I haven't been able to think about anyone other than you and I want to know if it's been the same for you." I smile, my teeth glowing. "Why are you so amused?" He asks in frustration, the blood rising in his cheeks.

"Because you are all I have thought about the past two years too."

"But you just-"

"I want to be with you. I like the idea of you… I love the idea of being with you," I smile again. "It's been two years Fo- Tobias." I correct myself and I lose my line of speech for a moment. "It's been two years and I have been bottling up my feelings for you. That… just then felt… well it felt amazing." I finish gesturing towards the area by the door.

The way our kissing had escalated so quickly and his shirt had come off. If it weren't for me asking about chocolate chips I don't know how far it would have gone. Would I have paused if he had reached for my shirt? Would he even want to go that far? My thoughts break as he smiles and I can see the relief on his face. He presses towards me and kisses me firmly on the lips.

"You do something terrible to me," he mumbles and I smile. I press both of my palms to his cheeks.

"So… can I stay here tonight?"

"Erm… isn't it a bit quick?"

"I mean because Christina and Will were in a very compromising position when I went back to my rooms… and well…"

"Yeah sure," he laughs. "Who'd have thought you still be squeamish about that sort of thing."

"Who said I was squeamish?" I mimic pressing my mouth back against his and I feel his smile upon my lips as they roll against each other's.

I let him take the lead as he begins pushing me back towards the bed. My eyes flicker open and I can see the top of his tattoo reaching over his shoulder and I want to ask him if I can see it, but I know this isn't the time. Time. I flinch. Our lips part and he pauses.

"Eric…"

"I'm sorry what?" He asks offended.

"Shit!" I say and Tobias shrinks at my language. "I was supposed to meet Eric!"

"That's who you think about when you kiss me?" He asks and I quickly shift my gaze up to him.

"What? No," I say reaching out for him and he frowns.

"Why would you be meeting Eric at this time of night?"

"He told me to meet him, he challenged me, but I don't know what to-"

"Well you're not going alone," he says putting his shirt back on.

"I think I can fend for myself, I'm eighteen now."

"That maybe so, but your also mine now," he says and I smile without thinking. I am his.