AUTHOR'S NOTE: So the plot begins to take play in this chapter. "Tris has dabbled in the City's Security and is now transferring up from an Initiate Trainer to a Dauntless Leader." It is all very ambiguous for now, but it will unravel throughout this fiction what is happening behind enemy lines. I also used Troye Sivans – The Fault in Our Stars within this fiction, not for cancer reasons, but for loss. This song was also not chosen because of Shailene Woodley in the film, but because I have followed the youtuber for many years. I had strong intent on using Touch, but the other song sat better.

Chapter Nine – Beatrice

Complications

That morning I stand under the running water for an anticipated amount of time. As the warm water runs over my unresponsive body and disappears down the drain I know that my memories of the past go with it. I will no longer allow myself to be haunted by Albert's death. I tell myself repeatedly that I will begin living in the moment and protect the one's I love. As the water soaks my hair to the roots it becomes heavy and weighs my shoulders down, the water varying with all the shades of the rainbow. My mind glints over my abhorrence for Eric. I cleanse my body of the paints toxicity and as I do I wonder what madness has possessed Tobias into desiring such a flat athletic frame. I am unsure as to whether I can live up to his expectations.

Nonetheless, he see's something in me that I don't and I know that I am only human for having such distressed thoughts.

A few days have passed since Alex's turn for the worst and I have spoken little to him about it. Chris was eliminated as factionless by Max that afternoon and training the initiates had got significantly easier. There are still rivalries between the faction members, but it is only healthy banter, or so Uriah says.

I have spent little time with Tobias. I have not spoken to him about my set back either, but not for lack of trying. Other than in the training room I haven't seen him since the weekend and it is now Wednesday. I miss his presence and our late night talks. I have been spending most of my waking hours either gallivanting with Christina or training the initiates in the simulation room.

"So tell me, why is it now three weeks?" Alex asks Christina behind me.

"It's three instead of ten because we had to knuckle down. The last two years we've received less dauntless," I answer instead, turning to face him as he strides into the room. It doesn't help that we had to eliminate one either. We have thirteen transfers and even less Dauntless born.

Christina puts vials of the serum into the cabinet, her demeanour is stiff, her neck unmoving. The cut on her neck evidently makes it painful. I can see from a distance that the skin coating it is hardened as it begins its shrinking process. I transfer my eyes back to Alex as he gets into the seat. Christina injects him and I begin putting the wires on him.

"Then we should get more time not less," he insists looking directly at me. I smirk.

"No, if anything you get less because we are able to spend more time individually with you," Christina says and I see the flicker of hope leave his eyes. Something scares him about going into his fear landscape and I am anticipated to know what.

I watch steadily as he shrinks back in his seat and his eyes close.

I wait. Silently waiting as time ticks by.

I pace around the room a couple of times and eventually seat myself by the door. I speak little to Christina, but when we do speak we throw jokes at one another. I wait until I hear Christina stirring by the computer screen. I glance up at her and I see an adamant frown etched onto her facial expressions. I cross the room and stand a few paces behind her. The numbers on the screen are stable. I look at the time and it's been nearly two hours. We can't see the images inside his head, but I know something is wrong. I leave the room and make my way around to the one next door. The initiates sit there nervously. This is their first time going through the simulation.

"Four…" I begin, but he looks up instantly. "We've got a problem." I need not say anymore, he gets up and follows me next door.

We both stand behind Christina and he taps at the numbers on the screen. He is so close to me that I can barely pay attention.

"The numbers are stabilized," Christina says. "I don't get it, they should be through the roof."

"That's not the problem," Tobias replies looking at the time on the screen. I watch as his eyes move to different sectors of the screen.

"Then what is?" I ask and he steps away and looks at Alex.

"He's been under for two hours and he's still in the first landscape," Tobias sighs and both I and Christina look at Alex.

His first fear is that bad he's dwelling. Now I know why he looked so fearful before entering. The last fear is always the worst, if he can't get past the first one how will he deal with the others?

"Then we wake him up," I say walking over to take the wires off of him.

I feel Tobias's grip hard on my wrist and I look down at it. It doesn't loosen even though he knows I am looking directly at it. I slowly look up at him and he is staring at me with an intensity. I blink and I am broken from the enchantment. The same one he had cast upon me when I sat in that chair two years ago. I look at Christina, but she's staring at the screen again.

She does not know about me and Tobias. I have told her nothing, however I think she has her suspicions. She found me three nights ago in Tobias's room and she had known where to find me. Will had also told Tobias two weeks ago that everyone assumed I had feelings for him. I had made it that obvious.

"You can't, you need to give him as long as it takes," he says and Christina coughs. "If not the serum will begin to wear off and he'll be forced to eliminate that fear."

Christina sits but both me and Tobias stand impatiently. We share a few glances and when our eyes meet we find ourselves smiling. His presence makes me happy, but I need to get my head back into the current situation. So, I make a habit of not looking at him again. Instead I cross my arms over my chest and stare at Alex, praying that he wakes up.

"Guys…. It's moving," Christina says. We both walk to her side and look sparingly at the screen. Then a weird gasp fills the air around us and all three of us turn to look at him. He's shaking in his seat, his shoulders lifting up and hitting the surface hard.

"He's going into shock," Christina says panicked and Tobias heads towards him.

"He's being forced to eliminate that fear. Hold him down," he says urgently and I quickly travel towards him and hold Alex's shoulders down. Meanwhile, Tobias tips his head to the side to make sure he doesn't swallow his tongue. Alex is making dreadful choking noises and with every single one I am drawn into a mode of panic. "He'll be back soon," Tobias says and he is right. Moments later Alex's eyes flicker open and I find myself relieved.

"How many fear landscapes did you have?" Tobias asks immediately.

"Geeze don't spare any time, will you…" Christina sighs.

"What?" Alex gasps evidently still distraught and still confused by reality.

"How many fears did you witness whilst you were under?" I ask more clearly and Tobias stares at me, his eyes hard.

"One," he whispers.

"One?" Tobias insults and I scowl at him. I nudge my way past him, making sure I knock him aside as I pass. He's being mean.

"Are you sure?" Christina asks alarmed.

"You were under for two hours," I say and Alex finally looks up at us all. I notice that his breath is back in check.

"What does that mean, is that bad?"

"One question at a time," Christina jests, "It means that you need to improve before your final test on Friday. Is that bad? It will be if you don't improve."

"There could be a chance that the serum was wearing off though. We did not inject you with much. Did you feel a magnetic push whilst you were under?" I enquire.

"I'm not sure," he says getting out of the seat and ripping the wires from him.

"The thing we need to make certain of, is that you weren't pulled out," I say and Alex's eyebrows pull together in a tight frown. "If you defeat your first fear quicker the next time you're under, there is a possibility that you will have more fears afterwards to defeat."

"What are the statistics in me just having one fear and that the serum wasn't wearing off?"

"Honestly?" Christina asks and Alex turns to look at her. "0.6%," she says and I watch as fear resides within him.

The rest of the day we train the other initiates repeatedly. None of them are under for as long as Alex, not even close. Time allows us to place them all under twice and Alex shows no signs of improvement. At dinner that evening I and Christina discuss how we can help him outside of the landscape. It won't necessarily knock him out of Dauntless but it will definitely harm his ranking.

"Shall I work with him?" Will asks and we look at him. It takes a few moments, but we both laugh in hysterics. "What's so funny?"

"You?" Christina scoffs, "You can't be serious."

"I'm as good as any other," he frowns.

"What possible help could you bring to this situation?" I laugh and he scowls at us both. I take this as my chance to have a few bites of my cake.

"I'd have a better chance wooing him that you," Uriah scoffs over his burger next to me and I glance at him. I then double back on myself and address his comment.

"Actually… you're strong minded right?"

"Is that a question or a compliment?" He asks over a mouthful of beef. I can see it between his teeth.

"Both… I guess," I shrug.

"Are you implying I talk to him?" I nod and he rolls his eyes. "What's the big deal if he's knocked down a few ranks, why do you care?"

My eyes flicker behind Uriah. Tobias has seated himself a couple of table's away and the fact he is facing towards me distracts me. He hasn't noticed my staring, but I also become aware of something else. Eric is watching me from the table beside him. Our eyes lock until he gets up and leaves the room. I then drag my eyes back to Uriah.

"I just do," I insist and Christina gives Uriah a push from across the table. She almost knocks my drink over in the process. "You've already spoken to him anyway haven't you?"

"Well yeah. Actually… I think we hit it off," his comment is followed by Will and Christina making girly noises and he rolls his eyes. "You know what I mean! I said that when he joins he should work on the city's security with us… or rather with me," he corrects himself and I can tell it's a dig at me. "He's an interesting guy, very strong… I can see us all getting along well." He finishes, but I am not interested right now in his life story and I think Uriah senses that because he sighs. "Fine… I'll see what I can find out," he sighs and I smile.

"Thank you," I say patting him on the back. It's strange how brotherly he is to me. "Right, I'm finished… are you coming?" I ask the others.

"You see this?" Uriah says showing me his burger. "It's my half eaten burger… do I look ready to leave?" I smile and look at Christina, she is also just about to start her chocolate cake.

"Alright… I'll see you all tomorrow," I wave as if to shrug his comment off.

On the way back to my rooms my mind dwells on Uriah's words. The words that at the time I couldn't care less about. Had Alex told Uriah something that no one else knew? What made him so interesting? My mind then journey's further backwards to Uriah's comment about city's security. I make a mental note to myself to see Max about a new position, but before I can he approaches me from across the hallway. He calls out my name and I am forced to stop. His timing is impeccable.

"I hear you gave your leading position on city's security up to Eric…" he says and I nod. "Is that wise?"

"It was beneficial at the time, but that's what I want to talk to you about. I was wondering if there were any jobs on the City's Security?"

"Is your mind so changeable?" He presses and I become weary. I feel as though I need to fight my corner.

"No. As much as the position was fitting, Eric was more deserving." It was not a lie. Though Eric was a complete ass, he was also very strong and was capable of withstanding the position with ease.

"Today's your lucky day," he smiles. Now I feel at ease.

"How so?"

"Three positions just opened up," he says and I know what he really means is that three of us had died, which also means there would be a celebration soon. "Two city security positions and a Dauntless Leader."

I feel as though I have hit a gold mine. I wanted my position back and I had gotten what I had asked for… or so I thought.

"Any is yours for the taking," he smiles and Eric appears behind him. I shift uncomfortably, if I had known he was there I would never have sounded such a thought. I hope he didn't take my comment as a compliment.

"But I'd rather you take the latter," Eric says with a snide smile. His eyes glint with malicious intent.

"Have you asked Four?" I ask.

"We always get the same answer from him," Max shrugs, "So we have two others in mind first."

"Who else?" I ask.

"Well you and Zeke," Max says, "I believe you know him."

"Why me?"

"You show wisdom where others lack it," Max says turning a knowing look towards Eric. "You knowingly brought Chris to me, you are capable of being trustworthy and protecting yourself, you demonstrate strength and agility and I think it is only right that we offer you recompense. Any position is yours for the taking, but let it be known that once you take the Dauntless Leader position you cannot recant from your decision."

"I will take up a city security position," I nod my eyes never leaving Eric's. I see him withholding a scowl. "I can start immediately."

"Very well, you will be tasked with defending the city and the factions, but you can still be a Dauntless Leader too. Let me know when you've decided," Max departs with the others close on his tail, but Eric lingers. He waits until Max has disappeared then hits me with a force that knocks the air out of me. My back hits the wall hard, his forearm pinned against chest.

"If you value your life, you will take the Dauntless Leader position," he growls through gritted teeth. He reminds me of a bull, at least he has bullish attributes.

"Do not threaten me," I push back, but his hand moves and locks down on my shoulder. He squeezes and a sharp pain sears through it. To anyone else it would look as though we were infatuated with each other, but it was very much the opposite.

"Believe it or not we actually need the likes of you."

"Why? And why is it worth threatening me over?"

"Join us and find out, but until you do I will make your life a living hell."

"Why?" I ask again. I know my questioning makes me look weak, but I can't gage his urgency in needing me. Specifically me.

"Because unfathomable as it is, I trust you more than I would Zeke and especially the likes of Four," he says his grip loosening.

"That's why you challenged me, to see if I was capable… it was test," I sound.

"Ten points to the stiff," he jests mockingly and I scowl.

"And if I resist?"

"Oi!" Tobias's broad voice bounds down the hallway and Eric releases me without a second glance at Tobias.

"No good will come of it," he scoffs walking off. "Mull it over!" He laughs disappearing.

The last time I was in a situation like this, Tobias came to my rescue. How weak I felt back then. Twice I have been manhandled and powerless to the violence of men and twice he had been there to disperse the situation. It aggravated me.

"Are you alright?" Tobias asks and I straighten myself up.

"I'm fine, I-" I flinch, my shoulder hurts and it's where my new tattoo is. It almost feels like a pulled muscle, but a lot sharper. Tobias reaches over to check but I flinch away. I don't want him to see my tattoo and I most definitely do not want to be touched by a masculine figure right now.

"Come on," he says and I follow him towards his rooms.

When we're inside he fetches me a cold compress whilst I sit on the end of his bed. I notice that he has changed his bed sheets. Had I tainted them with something odorous or had I gotten paint on them? I roll my shoulder backwards, it aches. I make a mental note that Eric will pay, but something else is more important. Why was I the only one that he could trust with such an issue? I feel a hand on my shoulder that is not my own and I am broken from my thoughts.

"Sorry," Tobias says. I hadn't seen him come back. His face is much more relaxed, kinder than what it was in the simulation room.

"You just startled me," I smile.

"What did he want?" He asks evidently riled about the situation.

"He wants me to be a Dauntless Leader," I say honestly, looking at the floor as he sits on the bed next to me. I shouldn't have blurted it out so quickly. It was insensitive.

"Oh," he sounds, "Well as long as you don't feel pressured into taking the position. Especially by Eric." His eyes stray from me as though he doesn't want to convey his emotions. I know that he won't let it go and that it will come up again at some point, but for now I choose my words carefully.

"Oh believe me, Eric isn't an issue," I smile towards him but he's looking at my shoulder. He reaches out to put the cold compress on my shoulder but I move back again.

"What? Can I not touch you," he infers.

"It's not that, it's just… I have a tattoo there…" I look up at him and he cocks his head to the side slightly, evidentially confused.

"Is it of something that shouldn't be seen?" His eyes are knowing and now I am confused, but then my eyes are drawn to the nape of his neck where his tattoo must peak. "I'll show you mine if you show me yours."

Without saying another word he lifts off his shirt and at first I am distracted by the smooth unclothed skin. His strong muscles contracting as he lifts it off. There are no imperfections. My eyes lock onto his tanned chest and thick sturdy arms. I blink repeatedly as he twists to show me his back.

There is a large black tattoo claiming the skin on his back, making itself known.

The design spikes up his back from what I assume to be his trousers and ends at his neck. I do not know where it begins because the design disappears beneath the belt line. My eyes now focus on something else entirely... lacing the length of his spine are the seals of all the factions. It intrigues me.

The last time he had been this exposed before me I had been kissing him in a flurry of unprotected emotions. I now have the opportunity to enjoy it in all its glory and not look bizarre.

I had seen him with his torso exposed before, why had I not seen this design on his back? Evidentially I had not been paying attention to the details, when I should have been. I remember being inquisitive towards his tattoo when I first met him. The way the tattoo always peeked out from the top of his shirt. It enthralled me.

I find myself giggling at the memories and he turns to face me. The blanket scrunches beneath him as he twists his full body weight towards me.

"If this was a new tattoo I'd be paranoid there's a mistake," he smiles, his teeth gleaming.

"Sorry, it's just we have something in common," I smile and he cocks his head to the side again. "I'm nervous."

"If it's the same, you needn't be," he nods as if he already knows what tattoo lies beneath my vest.

"Of taking my vest off," I blush and his eyebrows lift up.

"I could always help you with that," he jests and I sigh.

"You don't understand… It's only been three weeks and I can't show you my body. Not yet," he nods in reply.

"I understand, you don't have to feel forced into doing anything."

Reluctantly I look at him, his eyes are intense and then something hits me like a sack of bricks. If I can strip down day after day in front of a load of strangers when I was first an initiate I am sure I can show my back to the one I care for. I know it is a completely different pretence, but he had shown me his back.

So I begin lifting my vest up from the bottom and pull it over my head. I wait in silence.

"There's only four seals?" He sounds and I am relieved that his voice follows almost immediately after my vests removal. It demonstrates that he's not looking at the rest of my body.

"Erudite because of my brother Caleb, Dauntless is for me, Abnegation for my father and mother."

"Erudite," he smiles and nods.

"Knowledge is power," I say and his eyes move up towards mine.

"Do you believe it?"

"That knowledge is power?" I say back to myself and then nod. "I firmly believe that knowledge can lead to power, but then so can anything. To me… knowledge can lead to one becoming naïve in life and also vain."

"What about Amity that is there too?"

"I believe that I can build peaceful relationships with the one's I hold close."

"Your family?"

"Yes… and the friends I have made here. Their manifesto mentions their beliefs. I believe that I can forgive and be kind."

I feel as though my words are betraying my faction, but Tobias's face shows no signs of that. He almost seems as though he understands.

"Why is Candor not there?"

"Truth makes us transparent. Truth makes us strong. Truth makes us inextricable," I recite their manifesto, "I am neither of the three."

"You are strong and honest," he compliments.

"But the truth is not what makes me strong," I admit and he nods. "There is a truth that I cannot be honest about and until I do I will not be honest," I allude to my divergence.

"And what is this truth?"

"Now If I told you that I'd also be conforming to the truth making me transparent," I giggle needlessly.

"But isn't that the point?"

"Maybe one day," I say and he smiles.

"What about the brave?"

"Dauntless?" He nods in confirmation. "I believe that being brave can lead to one being blinded by brutality. There's a fine line that distinguishes between the two."

"And reckless," he adds.

"Yes, I think that in the run up to being brave that we are reckless. I know I am guilty of that. In having fun sometimes I am reckless, but I like being free." I smile at the thought and I see Tobias's eyes move to the bird on my chest. Birds also symbolize freedom.

"What if I was to be reckless?"

"It's not in your nature," I reply honestly and our eyes meet.

I suddenly become aware that we are both half naked and I become self-conscious. I begin putting my vest back on but he captures my hand.

"I want you Tris," he states and my heart skips a beat. Why would he say a thing like that when I'm semi-naked? What does he want from me exactly? "Do you want me?" I don't answer. I can't answer. Instead I finish putting my vest back on. "Right. Okay."

"It's not that I don't want you," I reply turning to face him. I reach out for him as he begins to stand.

"Don't. Your silence answered for you," he freezes.

"Why would you say that whilst I'm half naked?"

"So, it was just bad timing," he nods, positioning himself on the bed next to me again. I shift on the mattress so I can face give him my full attention. "I'll rephrase it, can we be a couple?"

"I blush to think," I jest at he sighs, but I see a smile. "I'm joking. So what you mean is, this is the awkward inevitable talk? Where we cement our relationship."

"Yes," he says and I can see that he feels awkward to.

My confidence shoots through the roof now that my vest is back on and I daringly lean forward and press my mouth to his. He responds by placing the palm of his hand on my jaw and kissing me back. His palm is warm against my skin and I wonder if I feel cool to him. His lips are round against mine and cover them completely. I am surprised to find that I adore it.

"Does that answer your question?" I ask pulling back, his hand sliding from my face.

"It's a start," he smiles pressing his lips back against mine and I smile. I am completely amused.

"It's going to be weird," I say, "Can I still call you Tobias? The label shocks me."

"Boyfriend, you mean?" I cringe. I find the word so icky. He frowns and I place my hand out beside me as if to surrender.

"I'm a stiff," I use it as my shield, "It will take some time."

"So am I…" he whispers and all the gaiety of our conversation leaves me.

"What? Who's being dishonest now?" I say.

"What motive do I have?"

"You mean to tell me… Tobias… that you originate from Abnegation?"

"Born and bred," he smiles. "Funny how we faction members always find each other."

It is then that I realize who Tobias really is. I feel the smile lift off my face as a cloud shrouds me. A cold sensation overwhelming me in my chest. He notices my change in expression and says something I don't quite catch. My eyes are dead to everything, just like the rest of my senses. I am too lost in my own thoughts.

"Tobias," I start, he nods but I ignore it, "Tobias Eaton?" My voice is almost a whisper and he stares at me coldly. I have never seen his face so cold, not even when I first met him were his eyes this stern.

"Yes," he says.

"Our parents are friends…. My dad is-"

"Andrew Prior… I know. He used to visit our house when they had meetings."

"Your father is Marcus Eaton… he-"

"Yes."

"But didn't he-"

"Yes," he cuts me off, "the rumours are true."

"I'm sorry… I didn't mean to bring up the past," he can hear the reflection of sadness in my voice because he stands and walks towards the couch. He pulls spare blankets from off of the cabinet beside it and begins throwing them out. I guess that means I'm staying the night. "Did you ever see me?"

"Yeah… I guess… from a distance," he smiles, he must be remembering something nice.

"I can't believe you watched me grow up."

"I wouldn't exactly say that. I'd see your family every now and then from my bedroom window," he says walking back towards me. "I never left it much."

"Yeah sure, I bet you planned this all along," I laugh and he rolls his eyes.

"You wish," he chuckles and I am content with that. I have made him happier before he sleeps and I know I can rest easy with that knowledge.

I don't say anything else after that. Instead I watch him get ready for bed. He had told me enough personal information for one night and I shared my own fair amount in return.

I wake up early the next morning and travel back to my rooms without waking Tobias up. I get ready and Christina wakes up just in time to see me exit the bathroom. We entertain ourselves with small talk whilst she gets ready and then we meet the others at breakfast. She has no idea that I was absent that night. We eat quickly and begin setting up the simulations again. We both agree that we will leave Alex until last as to not hold anyone else back.

Tobias smiles at me as he passes by our simulation room and then disappears next door. I can't help but smile too and I am lost at this capability to smile every time I see him. I don't even have a reason. I just do. I also know that at some point I will have to tell Christina, especially now that we had confirmed our status. I think about telling her now, but it's time to begin the day.

Alex still goes through the same problem. Nothing changes and it worries both me and Christina, but Tobias sits there without a hint of sympathy. When Alex finally wakes up, Tobias is cold towards him and once Alex is out of the room I address him.

"Why do you do that?"

"What?" He asks.

"Why are you always so…" I can't find the word to pinpoint what I am feeling exactly.

"Ill mannered?" Christina helps from behind the computer.

"To put it nicely yeah," I say.

"We're Dauntless, we don't show compassion and if you're going to be a Dauntless Leader you need to learn that," he almost spits the ending of it towards me and I take a step back. He got hot tempered so quickly, but there it was. That is what I had been waiting for.

I knew that the position offered to me had bothered him. I could see it in his eyes when I told him and I knew it would come back to haunt me.

I watch as he leaves the room and I hear a chair scrape across the floor behind me. I close my eyes and wait for Christina's words to slice through the air. The tension is biting.

"A what?" She says and I bite my tongue before turning to face her. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because Max only asked me last night and I spent the night-" I pause and rethink the point I'm making, "Well you know now."

"Are you thinking of taking it?"

"Well I weren't… but something inside is telling me that I should."

"Do what your heart tells you to, but you do realize if you do your chances of dying on the job almost triple?"

"Yeah thanks for that," I say getting frustrated.

"Born Candor… I speak the truth," she smiles and I giggle. I also notice that Will is rubbing off on her. I'm glad she broke the tension with a joke, but she is right. My life will be even more at risk and maybe that is what bothers Tobias.

That evening I am preoccupied by the daunting thought that tomorrow is the final test, but then I hear something unfamiliar. It's a male voice singing, it echoes faintly down the hallway and serenades my ears. I turn to find the source and follow it. The closer I get the more beautiful it sounds. It is loud now, but not significantly loud that everyone would hear it. It is slightly muffled as though it is being locked away behind closed doors. I look around to see if anyone is around me and then push lightly on the door. I peek through the gap and see Alex and Uriah.

How strange this looks.

Alex stands with his back to me, whilst Uriah sits facing me. He is looking up at Alex, both oblivious to my presence. Uriah's lips aren't moving, instead he's controlling a stereo manually. The voice is Alex's. Chills ascend on my spine as I become fully exposed to the nature of his singing. He sings of pressure's weighing him down, determination, control and loss. With every word I can hear the pain in his voice. He hits every vocal cord perfectly.

I have been standing here for a good minute now and neither of them have acknowledged my presence. As the beat picks up so does Alex's voice and he begins to harmonize. I watch engrossed, whilst Uriah nods along to the beat.

I hear drums within the beat and my grip slips on the door. Instantaneously, the music pauses and they both turn to look at me. I am forced with nothing to do but gasp.

"Tris," Uriah says and Alex shrinks when he stands. His emotions evidentially collapsing in on himself.

"I'm sorry…. I was just… I don't know what I-"

"Its fine," Alex says and I know that means it isn't, "Come join us?" He asks and without looking back, I enter into the room and close the door behind me.

"You sound so good," I say, but that doesn't do him justice, "No, you sound amazing." I correct myself, trying to encourage him.

"I feel like a pansy now," Alex smirks looking at the floor.

"A pansycake," Uriah chuckles and I smile.

I find some truth in his words. He is big and strong, yet has a very delicate and tender voice. It doesn't fit his profile, but either way it sounded amazing.

"Nonsense, start again?" I enquire. "Please."

Alex doesn't take much convincing because with one knowing look at Uriah he starts again. As the music starts again, I take my seat next to Uriah. Alex begins to sing and his eyes close as he pushes all his energy into pronouncing his words with ease.

"Who composed this?" I ask nodding down to the stereo.

"His mother," Uriah whispers.

"Was his mother from Amity?" I ask and he nods. It is common knowledge that most of the musicians come from there.

"She also originated from there. She died three weeks before the choosing ceremony," Uriah whispers and my eyes quickly turn to him. He had whispered it so casually, yet I felt the full pain of it. "His father used to knock him and his mother around… three weeks before the ceremony he came home from the farm and found his mother at the bottom of the stairs." Uriah says and I can barely contain the pain I hold for Alex.

"Where is his father now?" I say in a hushed, but evidently annoyed voice. Uriah finally looks at me.

"He went missing at the same time," he says and I can't fathom how he could go missing.

"His father… what f-" I say a little louder than expected. I look at Alex but he didn't hear me of the music.

"He originated from Dauntless but transferred to Amity," Uriah interjects now looking at the stereo and I quickly look up at Alex. I wonder if me and Uriah share the same thought. Had his father murdered his mother?

I feel sick.

I don't say anything else after that. Instead I sit and watch Alex sing. Now I am watching from the front I can see that the words have essential meaning to him. He sings them with such gratitude it almost inspires me.

"And I don't want to let this go. I don't want to lose control. I just want to see the stars… with you. And I don't want to say goodbye, someone tell me why…"

When he finishes singing I pull myself together and give him my congratulations. I stay for a few moments longer before dismissing myself from the room and pacing down the hallway. As soon as I am out of sight I lean up the wall, unaware that my hand is covering my mouth. Anyone would think I am trying to hide the fact I am becoming friends with an initiate, but instead I am trying to hide my reactions to the new knowledge.

Alex's words sink into the depths of my soul and I wonder how he is still sane. If I would have lost my parents like he had, especially my mother like that, I'd be unstable. I have so many questions running through my mind that I want to ask him. Is that why he had wanted to jump? Or is he here so he can show his father what it is to be a true Dauntless.

I place my hand over my tattoo as the words relapse in my mind. And I don't want to let this go. I need to treasure what I have whilst I have it. Two years ago I lost Albert through a careless choice of words and now I could lose Tobias for the same reason. I had carelessly blurted out the position that Max had offered me. I knew it was bothering him and I had done nothing about it.

Tobias.

He has more in common with Alex than he cares to think.

I know the song had different meaning to Alex, but it makes me think of cherishing my loved ones. Will, Christina, Uriah, Caleb… my parents and Alex. It makes me think of Tobias and in that moment… I know I need to see him. Confront him.

I know it is getting late and that he might not be in his rooms, but I have to try. I hadn't spoken to him since his outburst this morning and I didn't know exactly what I wanted to say, but I needed him to know that I care.

When I arrive, I knock on his door, but there is no reply that follows. I open his door and admire the sight. The light floods in from the doorway and lights a path through the darkness, towards his bed. His peaceful visage is facing me, but he does not stir. He is asleep.

I close the door and once I hear the click behind me, I make my way through the darkness and climb onto the bed. The air smells musky and I wonder how long he has been asleep for.

I lift up the blanket and ascend into the bed with him.

I have never been in the same bed as him before and I am scared for numerous reasons. I fear that he will recoil, I am scared because I have never shared an experience like this and I am petrified because I hurt his feelings earlier.

Spoiled by the incoherency of my thoughts, I lie with my back pressed against his front. I cannot face him, but he surprises me.

He moves his hand over me and presses it firmly to my stomach.

He is awake.

I feel the warmth of his palm through my black vest as he moves his thumb up and down. Shortly after he resides. His head is on the pillow behind me, but higher up as he is taller. I feel his calm breath on the back of my head and I notice that each one begins to deepen.

He is asleep again and with his warmth enveloping me I fall asleep too.