By the time Barba walks through the door that evening, he has managed to whip himself into a frenzy about what could be wrong with Liv.
He's played out every scenario in his head and attempted to come up with solutions for every possibility. Barba's convinced himself that he needs to expect the worst. That's just the way his life works. He's finally found something he'd do anything to hold on to and now it's going to be taken away. This is what he'd been anxiously awaiting ever since they decided to admit they loved each other. Currently, his laser focus is on letting her know that everything's going to be alright- that he's got it all worked out.
Barba walks in to find Liv in the kitchen. "There are my boys" ,she says as she rounds the corner into the living room.
Barba stands at the coat rack, concentrating on getting Noah's jacket off to avoid seeing whatever Liv's about to tell him reflected in her eyes. Barba steps into the living room holding tightly to Noah. Olivia leans in giving Noah a quick peck on the cheek. Barba can't help but notice that she seems to be looking at her son a bit more contemplatively than usual.
He gives her a weak smile as she leans in to kiss him too. Noah squirms to get down and play with his toys- leaving Barba and Olivia standing in the middle of the floor, both unsure how to start the conversation.
"How're you feeling?" he starts.
"Sit down a sec" She takes a seat on the couch, he doesn't join her.
His heart's dropped into his stomach and he feels the overwhelming need to make sure she knows he's going to fix everything. "Before you- Whatever this is- whatever it is we're going to get through it. I-" he worries his lip for a moment, collecting his thoughts. "But you know, I was thinking, if something were to happen to you- Liv, if something were to happen- they would take him away from me. And I know I'm not the best father figure ever but I love him. And my mom would help. And it's got to be better than the foster system, right? I just think maybe we should have some paperwork. Doesn't have to be adoption but something. Just something."
He looks at her expectantly, awaiting a response- but she's furrowed her brow in confusion while she attempts to decipher what he's saying. Uneasy with the silence, Barba continues, "Also, a list. A list would be helpful- you know: when can he ride the subway alone? When do I give the talk? When can he have a cell phone? I'll definitely need a list."
Now her silence was getting to him, she obviously didn't want him to be Noah's father. And why should she? What if he turned into his own father? What if one day he would be the man he was putting on trail in 2 days? He suddenly feels ridiculous.
"No, you're right- I'm sorry, I'm overreacting, I'm sure you have someone in mind-"
Her brain now having caught up, Olivia's not sure whether to be amused or offended. She decides, at the very least, she needs him to stop talking. "Barba, do you think I have cancer?"
At the sound of the C word- the blood drains from Barba's face. "Oh God, I should have gone with you."
"Barba, I don't have cancer, I'm not dying."
He sucks in a breath in an attempt to reign in his emotions. She can see moisture forming in his eyes, sees his face tighten as it does when he attempts to keep from crying.
"You should sit" she suggests again. And he does- as if on autopilot. He takes her hand- a tight smile spreading across his face. He's never felt relief this all encompassing before- he can barely hear the next few sentences as she speaks. "After I tell you what I'm about to tell you, I need you to think before you say anything."
Barba has a bad habit of saying what he's thinking and she's not sure she wants to hear his first thought about what she's about to say.
She draws in a breath. "Do you remember that night after the Richardson case about 5 weeks ago, your mom was keeping Noah-"
Barba nods- still on autopilot. She decides to cut to the chase.
"Rafael, I'm pregnant."
He sure as hell heard that.
His eyes snap to hers, concern and disbelief sketched all over his face. His mouth is suddenly very dry, he swallows in an attempt to remedy the situation. He averts his eyes, attempting desperately to process the information. After a long moment, he finally manages to form words- "I- uh- I think I ordered the wrong books. I need to- um-" he finally drags his gaze back to her "I think I need some water."
He stands abruptly and goes into the kitchen. Olivia sits on the couch for a moment attempting to reign in her disappointment before she follows him into the kitchen.
He's standing at the sink- staring out at Noah- drinking a glass of tap water. She walks up and leans her hip against the counter- careful not to stand too close but blocking his exit in case he attempts another retreat.
"I didn't mean this to happen. Didn't even think it still could to be honest. I don't expect- I understand-" she's not sure how to put this. She tries again "This doesn't mean you're stuck with us."
Barba hangs his head and closes his eyes. When he opens them, he stares down into the sink as he talks to her. "I spent all fucking day thinking I was loosing you" ,he grinds out. He finally turns to her and meets her eyes, he seems almost angry. "If I've figured out anything it's that the thing I want more than ANYTHING is to be stuck with you."
"But?" He averts his eyes again while she awaits a response. "Just not me and two kids." She sighs- it's what she expected but not what she hoped for. "It's OK."
She turns to walk out of the kitchen but he grabs her arm and spins her back to him. "On the nights that I walk through that door and see Noah's still awake – that's the happiest moment of my day. For a split second, I'm reminded that the whole world isn't rapist and murderers. Just seeing him- makes the entire day better. But you know what my very next thought is- every time?" He searches Olivia's eyes intensely. "What happens when he eventually makes me angry? What happens on the night after we lose a big case and I've had one scotch too many and he does something, anything-? And now there will be one more person's life for me to fuck up!"
All Olivia's disappointment is replaced with empathy. She knows the fear he's feeling all to well. She slides her hand down into his and steps closer. "You're not your father, Rafi." She nearly whispers. "Do you really think I'd let you near him if I thought you could be? You show me every day that you aren't him."
He pulls back a bit. Gesticulating with both hands. "I have good memories of my dad too, Liv? What if one day he just reached a breaking point? And I just haven't reached it yet? And my mother- as strong as she is- she just- she couldn't walk away."
"Rafael Barba, if you hurt one of my kids- I won't walk away either- I'll just shoot you." She smiles trying to lighten the mood. His mouth twitches up but he's not having it. He turns and looks out at Noah.
She steps closer again- craning her head to draw his eyes back to hers. "Rafi, you still look as if you're going to be sick every time he so much as skins his knee."
"Oh, I do not!" He retorts angrily. She gives him a knowing look and he concedes with a sigh.
"Do you seriously think you could purposely hurt him?"
Barba looks back to Noah and then returns his gaze to her. His mouth twitches up in a tight, weak smile. She's made a good point.
He feels like he's been through the wringer. In the past 24 hours he's experienced depression, anger, panic, relief and fear like he's never experienced before. But now- he's overwhelmed with nothing but love for the incredible woman in front of him.
His eyes brighten and she finally sees excitement there. He steps closer, his eyes drifting to her stomach where he carefully places his hand- as if he'll already be able to tell something. His eyes come back to hers, "So, we're really having a baby?"
She smiles and nods. A broad smile finally breaks over his face. He pulls her into a tender kiss.
When their lips part, he hugs her tightly to him and whispers into her ear- but almost to himself, "Dios, te amo." He closes his eyes, turns his face into her neck and takes a deep breath. "I really do have to go order different books though."
They both chuckle. She has no idea what he's talking about- She's just so relieved he's happy.