A/N I think I kind of screwed up with this chapter. It felt like I was writing a grocery list- they did this and this and this and then they talked about this and it was supposed to be very hot... yaay! I mean I didn't want to make it all about the sex but come on I wrote two sex scenes and it's not even sexy... Anyway as you would see, this one has a little strange format but it's just an one-time experiment (I might use it again if I see the need but after this we'll stick to the original) Enjoy!

P. S. Bold even if I had used it before means something (a thought, word, anything) that the past and the present share. Italic- past. Normal- present. If you have forgotten.

P. P. S. We do love to hate Jack, don't we.

Firsts, Over And Over Again

"I thought I was going to die," Ianto sobbed that night and Jack's only response was to hold him close.

He had wanted to be alone, having suffered fear he had thought he would never face but the immortal had insisted. As if having that man there would make Ianto feel at ease more. As if it would erase the feeling of the cold cleaver digging into his skin, ready to inflict imminent damage and expose his secret. Or maybe not. Maybe today...

"I know, I know." Jack rocked him, kissing his hair. It was the only thing he could think of doing, perhaps. Not very comforting, at least for someone who wasn't Ianto. For the Welshman the sheer fact that the other was there meant more than he could ever describe. A thing he wasn't ready to admit even in the confines of his own mind.

But today he needed more than comfort. He had been so close to losing his life, or even worse and he wanted. He wanted...

"Fuck me," he whispered in the other's ear. He felt Jack freeze so he must have heard him but the immortal made no attempt to follow the other's plea. So he tried again, kissing gently Jack's neck and asking in the most tempting voice he could muster, "Is your offer still available?"

He was playing dirty, referring to their first date that they have wordlessly agreed to never mention again. But it did the trick and that was all that mattered.

"Oh, it is."

Jack kissed him, hard, and so it began.

Jack was sitting on the sofa, his hands clasped together on his lap and if Ianto was a tad more observant he would have seen the faint tremble. Ten minutes ago the Welshman had phoned him and told him to come to his place as fast as possible. Now Ianto was regretting his choice of words, he didn't even want to think about how fast his lover must have been driving. The fact that the other couldn't die didn't mean he had to try.

"So, I was thinking," Ianto started, keeping a close eye on the other man, who immediately flinched. It was unrealistic how a man that shouldn't be afraid of anything seemed to fear so much his lover's next words. "You really can't die?" he blurted out. He had a well-prepared speech about how much he loved Jack and how he would spend however small fraction of the immortal's life as he was allowed but instead this came out.

"Yeah." No matter how impossible, Jack ducked his head even lower. "I'm... I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault," Ianto raised his voice and was rewarded with a trembling of the other's corners of his mouth. It quickly disappeared, but it had been there. That meant something.

"It is actually. Kind of." Jack smiled. It was nothing like what Ianto hoped it would look. He scooted over to his lover and gently rested his hand on the man's back. When Jack turned toward him he leaned down and kissed him.

"Will you make love to me?" Ianto asked when they broke apart and Jack looked far too dazed to say no. Or so the Welshman had thought, but the moment the words left his mouth the other seemed to sober up instantly and he stood up. Ianto quickly followed, jumping on his feet and wrapping his hands around the immortal's waist to keep him from moving away.

"I know you think I'm not in my right mind to ask for this but that's all I've been thinking about. I want you Jack, I want every minute of my life to be yours. I want to be yours. You may have an eternity but I don't and I won't waste a second of what I have anymore. So please, immortal boy, shut up and kiss me."

When Jack relaxed in his hands he knew he had won. They both had.

The kisses were rough, the touches were anything but gentle. There was no caressing, no unnecessary moves. It was simple, cold and straight to the point.

Jack was laying kisses down his navel, his hands unstoppable in their travel back and forth the other's sides. Ianto was actually quite ticklish there but that wasn't the reason why he was squirming.

The immortal was such a gentle lover and Ianto wanted to reciprocate but it had been so long and the way Jack was kissing him under the knee... The only thing he could possibly do was arch his back and hope the noises that were coming from his mouth made any sense. A perfect moment that would never end.

At least Ianto wanted it to be like that.

"Jack, Jack," the Welshman moaned when the other bit the insides of his thigh lightly.

"Yes, love?"

"Let me return the gesture. And come kiss me, you big dolt."

"For someone with only two relationships you are surprisingly good."

The teasing words made Ianto's throat tighten around the other's cock. He tried not to stop, hollowing his cheeks and licking the length like it was the best bloody lollipop he had ever seen. The sounds from above him told him he was on the right track.

He had always known how to pleasure his Jack... and this one wasn't so different. If he closed his eyes it even... his member jumped and his whole body shivered.

So consumed in the sudden desire that enveloped him like a warm blanket he almost missed the 'I'm sorry' moaned his way.

Maybe this Jack wasn't as insensitive as he had thought him to be.

Ianto hooked his legs around Jack's hips and tried to relax. It was so hard when he was nothing but a hot, trembling mess and the soothing circles his lover was drawing on his thighs didn't help that much.

"Are you sure you are ready?" Jack questioned and the Welshman felt the sudden desire to kiss away the frown marring the other's features. He did just so.

"We could always stop," insisted his lover when Ianto released him, but the only answer he got was an impatient growl and a bucking of hips against his member. "Ianto!"

Lucky him that his first man was a complete control-freak, the Welshman mused, suppressing a grin. Instead he teased, "When you asked me if everything was okay the first time, before you gave me the best hand-job of my life, was weird, the second time, before the first finger was touching but right now it's plain annoying. So you better fuck me before I chop off your dick just to see if it would grow again!"

And wasn't it sad that after he managed to tame his brain cells long enough to say this the only thing he received for his effort was a giggle and...

Oh, he was definitely lucky.

"Wait," Jack stopped him, strong hands curling around his hips. "Are you sure you are ready?"

Ianto nodded. Even if he hadn't been before, those words were enough to show him that everything was alright. He took out his fingers, his eyes never dropping the darkening orb's of his partner. He had thought he had gotten over his Jack but this... this was showing him the truth.

It was clear that a part of him believed that as long as this man acted like his own, the Jack from his world would never die. And it was so easy to pretend it was true when dark eyes were burning holes in his skin, when hands were guiding his every move, every raise and every fall. And when that member throbbed deep inside of him, ready to mark and claim something that was already his.

His.

"Jack," he moaned. His back arched on its own accord, it was on the point of breaking when he felt movement from bellow him. This Jack sitting up causing his cock to ram even deeper inside the Welshman's body and another scream in the form of a name to escape his red lips.

Another man's name.

Sadly, they both realized it.

Everything was so good, so perfect and special and it didn't take long for either of them to tremble in pleasure so intense it was unfamiliar to them. They arched toward one another, like magnets caught together in a perfect moment, mouths working frantically to capture every sound and whimper and moan that could escape their little bubble.

Afterwards, they were content with being pressed so close to each other that they shared everything- breath, body heat... love.

"Do you want something?" Jack was the first one to break the silence, jerking upwards suddenly. "Water, something to eat? Oh, I should probably clean you up a bi..."

"The only thing I want is you next to me. We will shower later,"Ianto chuckled. This and a light tug on the other's arm were enough to bring him back to the warm bed and even warmer lover.

"So we are good?"

"Oh, we are better than good."

"What was your lover's name?" Jack decided to drop the bomb no more than 5 minutes after Ianto had collapsed next to him, a shivering and breathless pile of goo. The question hung in the previously light air, turning it stiff with its intensity. "The one before Lisa."

Usually, Ianto would have ignored the question, but he knew that tone. His Jack had used it when asking something really important and trying to sound casual about it. There was no way the immortal was going to give up without an answer, Ianto knew, and yet he tried anyway.

"It doesn't matter."

"Tell me."

"...Jack."

He had never been able to resist that voice. Even if it made his voice break and his body- tremble.

"So I am just a substitute?"

And the lightness in Jack's tone, this time real, as if he was honestly enjoying this one hurt more than the Welshman was willing to admit. So he lied. Or he didn't. He couldn't really say at that point.

"Yes."

Jack hummed slightly. Stretching his hand, he tucked it bellow the other man's head and dragged him closer. At first Ianto was about to fight it but then a familiar warmth heated his skin and he closed his eyes to stop the tears from falling.

"Just for one second," he mumbled in the other's neck, nails scrapping mindlessly flawless skin.

"I'm comfortable."

"I'm not." And this might have been the most truthful thing he had said the whole night.