So We Beat On

Anna heard the boys' cries, but she couldn't bring herself to get up and soothe them. She knew her heart was supposed to ache at the sound of her children being unhappy, but hers wasn't. She pulled the sheets of her and Skyler's bed higher over her head. If she pretended not to hear it, it wasn't really happening.

She reluctantly opened her eyes and saw two pink pills on top of a night stand. They were sitting next to a tall glass of water, Skyler's not-so-subtle reminder for her to take her medicine. She forced herself to sit up in bed and quickly swallowed the pills. What was the point? It had been six weeks since the twins were born and she met what she imagined hell to be face to face. Her depression had never wavered. She no longer expected the twins to die at any moment, but she knew she wasn't meant to be a mother. She couldn't be alone with them for more than five minutes without the desire to run away creeping into her head. She barely held them. If she touched them, she felt like she would hurt them.

The crying stopped. Skyler must have calmed them down. If Anna wasn't going to be there for Carter and Connor, at least they had a good father to take care of them. Skyler wasn't expected to work again for another month or two. He and Sydney had agreed to take time off to take care of their respective children.

Anna debated whether or not she wanted to get out of bed. She could just stay in her bedroom all day and never have to worry about motherhood again. Life would be easier that way. She checked her phone for the time and saw that it was almost noon. Had she really slept in that late?

A moment later, the bedroom door creaked open and Skyler's face appeared through the space. His lips quirked up in a small smile when he saw that Anna was awake. "Hey, beautiful. How are you doing?" He stepped into the room and Anna watched his eyes dart over to the night stand to make sure she had taken her anti-depressants.

"Fine," Anna lied. This had become a regular back and forth for them. Skyler, ever the attentive husband, would keep a close eye on Anna and ask her how she was doing or if she was getting better and Anna would lie and say she was okay. Throughout all of this, Skyler never lost hope that Anna would recover from her postpartum depression. She wondered how he did it.

Anna could tell that Skyler didn't believe her, but he smiled at her anyway. "I was worried you weren't going to get up in time for your appointment. We need to leave soon."

"Appointment?" Anna tilted her head. She had no memory of having an appointment today.

"You have your six-week postnatal check-up today. The doctors need to make sure everything healed the way it was supposed to and..." he paused and ran his hand through his hair. Normally, Skyler would go out of his way to make sure his hair was perfect, but he had been so busy taking care of the twins that his hair had turned into a complete mess. "They need to make sure the Paxil is working. It is working, right?"

Anna pictured the tiny little pills. She didn't feel like they were working, but Skyler didn't need to know that. He had enough to worry about as it was. Besides, she wasn't even sure if she wanted them to work. "I told you I was feeling fine, didn't I? The pills are working, Skyler. No need to worry."

Skyler sighed and sat down on the bed next to her. "Anna, you have to be honest. If not with me, than at least be honest with the doctors. They want to help you. I want you to get better. The twins need you to get better. If the medicine isn't doing its job, you have to tell the doctors."

Anna stared at the floor. She couldn't look Skyler in the eyes when she lied to him. "I said the pills are working. I'm getting better every day."

Skyler looked like he wanted to argue for a moment, but decided against it. "Whatever you say." He gently pressed his lips to her temple.

The doctor's office was frigid and smelled of antiseptic wipes. Anna never liked going to the doctor, even when she was kid. They always made her feel uncomfortable. They always called you back before the doctor was ready for you and you would end up sitting in the examination room for almost a half-hour before you finally saw the doctor. By then, whatever you had come in for would be gone.

Today had been a little different. She had gotten called back, and after the standard check of her height, weight, and blood pressure, she was shown into the room where the doctor was already waiting for her.

"Hello, Anna." Her doctor smiled at her in greeting. Her name was Dr. Madill and she was the same OB/GYN all her friends had gone to. "How are you doing today?"

Anna lifted her shoulders and shrugged. "Good, I guess."

Dr. Madill raised an eyebrow at her. "You guess? That doesn't sound like a very confident answer. I'm your doctor, Anna. You can tell me anything and I promise I won't break the doctor-patient confidentiality code."

"I'm just tired is all. The anti-depressants make me drowsy." Anna wanted to get this visit over and done with as soon as possible. She was tired of people asking how she was feeling. Especially when they already knew the answer.

"Well, I can recommend a different brand, but almost any anti-depressant will make you drowsy unfortunately. We'll discuss you're medication later. First, I need to do the physical examination. Please lie on your back."

Anna did as she was told, the paper sheet crinkling underneath her. She never understood why they used paper. Wasn't it bad for the environment? They had to go through tons of it every year. And it was uncomfortable to lay on.

Dr. Madill's hands were warm, and Anna was very thankful for that. The physical examination went by quickly. Her C-section incision was healing nicely and would finish healing the next week or two, though Anna would have the scar for the rest of her life. The thought made her cringe. Maybe she should get a tattoo to cover it up like Sydney had for her scars.

Everything about her body was recovering just like it was supposed to. Everything physical that was. Anna knew the mental examination was coming up next and she was already preparing her answers.

"Your husband tells me the boys are doing well." Dr. Madill said casually as she threw away her gloves and grabbed a clipboard. "They've gained plenty of weight and they're starting to respond to their environment. Apparently, they're quite fond of his piano playing."

A soft smile came to Anna's lips. Almost every night, a soothing yet upbeat melody would fill their penthouse. Skyler would play anything from show tune ballads to Billy Joel for the boys. Skyler had told Anna how the boys would smack their lips and wave their arms as the music flowed through the air.

"How often are you with Connor and Carter?" Dr. Madill poised her pen above her clipboard and waited for Anna's answer.

Anna took a deep breath. Here it goes. Her rehearsed lines started to pour from her mouth. "I see the boys several times a day, but Skyler is always there with me. I've started to hold them more, and I haven't thought of running away in a week. I take my Paxil every day. It's working really well."

Dr. Madill pursed her lips, but she didn't say anything. She jotted a few things down on her clipboard. When she finished, she faced Anna with a slight frown. "There are people close to you who feel differently, Anna."

Anna did an exaggerated eye roll. "Skyler is just being overdramatic."

"It's not just Skyler. I've spoken to a few other members of your family as well. They're all concerned for you and the children." The doctor sighed and placed her clipboard on her lap. "I need you to be truthful."

Anna was confused. Who else would Dr. Madill have talked to about Anna's mental health? Then she remembered that Dr. Madill was Joe and Sydney's OB/GYN as well. Her brother and sister-in-law would have been here a few weeks ago for their six-week check-up. Of course her doctor would have ask them about Anna. "I am being truthful," Anna persisted to lie.

Dr. Madill smacked her lips disapprovingly. "Anna, the others may be able to tell me what they see from you, but only you can tell me how you really feel. If you truly think the pills are doing their job, then that's fine. I will continue to administer the same doses. However, if you change your mind and feel that maybe it's for the best if you received a new prescription, I can do that too. But you need to tell me to do it."

Anna bit her lip. This was it. The moment of truth. She knew the pills weren't working. Her postpartum depression had not improved in the slightest. But did she want it to? The idea of mothering her children terrified her. She had nearly killed them once when they were born. Granted, it hadn't been her fault that the twins were premature, but Anna couldn't help but blame herself for it. Was she capable of being a mom? Anna stared at the ground. She couldn't bring herself to look anywhere else. "I guess my antidepressants could be a little stronger..."

The corner of Dr. Madill's mouth twitched up in a soft smile. "I'll increase your dosage from twenty mg of Paxil to forty mg. I'll see you back in two weeks to see how you're adjusting to your new medicine."

Anna walked out of the examination room with her new prescription in hand. She was to discard her old pills and start taking the new dosage immediately. Dr. Madill warned her that the higher prescription could increase the side effects. That meant more drowsiness and nausea was to be expected.

Anna couldn't tell if she regretted her decision or not. She could handle the physical side effects. She was sure of that. What she wasn't sure if she could handle was the emotional side effects. What if the antidepressants did start to work? How quickly would Anna recover? Would she need to take them the rest of her life? How guilty would she feel for not taking care of her babies?

The door swung open with a groan and Anna was back in the lobby. Skyler was waiting for her, and the boys were sleeping in their stroller. Skyler glanced up from the magazine he was scanning when Anna entered the room.

"Hey." He smiled. "How'd it go?"

Anna held up the small piece of paper in her hand. "I have a new prescription to fill. Dr. Madill thinks the increased dosage should make me progress quicker. How are they doing?"

Anna could tell it took Skyler a second to realize she was talking about the twins. it wasn't often she asked about their wellbeing. His smiled increased. "Carter and Connor are doing great. They've been sleeping since we got here. I'll have to wake them soon to feed them."

Anna nodded like this was something she understood, which of course it wasn't.

Skyler rubbed the back of his neck and thought about his words before he said them. "It's a nice day. After we get your prescription filled, do you want to go for a walk through Central Park with the boys? We could all use the fresh air."

Anna rubbed her arm. "A walk would be nice."

Skyler's eyes lit up, pleasantly surprised by her answer. He stood, reached for her hand, and gave it a loving squeeze. "I'm glad you asked for a new prescription. I think it'll be good for you."

"Me too." Anna said the words with ease. The problem was, did she really believe them?

A/N - Since I can't post the next Dead Debts chapter until I finish the Mystery Girl rewrite, I decided to go back to this for a few chapters. The rewrite is very close to done, and I should be able to update Dead Debts again soon.

Anyway, don't forget to leave a review! They mean a lot to me! Thanks to those who have reviewed and thanks to everyone for reading!