AN: Oh my God, the new book is coming out really soon I can't wait!. I think that Snape will be really the same person as Voldemort because they are both half-blood so that will explain why he killed Dumbledore and he hated Harry! And then Harry will have to commit suicide so Voldemort will die because he will really be a Horcrux! (EN: How? How does she make a powerful and important moment in the entire series sound so retarded?) Oh my God, I hope Draco and Harry get together that will be so sexy, won't it? If they don't then JKR is homophobic! Fangs for the help with facts, Medusa you rock!

***

I sat, depressed, in Dumbledore's office with Hedwig, Satan, James, Sirius, Snape and Lucius. Dumbledore was sitting in front of us cruelly. He looked more young than he did in the future. (EN: ...Duh!) He had taken the iPod away and was now listening to a shitty Avril Lavigne song. (EN: You know you have to upload songs onto an iPod, don't you? If he's playing it then you were the one who put it there.)

"What the hell is this anyway?" he cackled meanly. I hoped he didn't find out that I was from another time.

"Whatever you do don't blame Ebony, you jerk," Satan said.

"Yeah, seriously, she was trying to get Satan and Hedwig back together," Sirius said defiantly.

"Be quiet, you Satanists," Dumbledore cackled. "If you're lucky I'll probably send you all to Azkaban! That will teach you to copulate in the Great Hall." He changed the song on the iPod to an n'Sync song. Suddenly I noticed something strange about the iPod. It was slowly changing! Dumbledore didn't notice.

"You fucking poser." I muttered.

"I bet you've never herd of GC," James said. Now I knew what the iPod was changing into - Marty McFly's time machine!

"Shut up, James!" Draco's dad shouted.

"Yeah, shut up!" Snape said preppily.

"No, you shut up, Dumbledore!" said Tom.

"I've had enough of you Satanists in my school!" shouted Dumbledore, superior.

Suddenly I grabbed the iPod from him. "Everyone! Jump in before it's to late! I jumped into it. But only one other person jumped in. It was … Satan.

"You dunderheads!" screamed Dumbledore wisely as we went. (EN: Because Dumbledore does everything wisely. There are no exceptions. Not even insulting his students.)

I looked around. I was in the Slytherin Common Room with Satan. I was wearing a black plaid miniskirt with hot pink fishnets, a sexy black MCR corset and black stiletto boots with pink pentagrams on them. My earrings were black Satanist sins and my raven hair was all around me to my mid-black. (EN: Why did her clothes change?)

"Hey, cool, where is this?" he asked in an Emo voice.

"This is the future. Dumbledore's iPod that he tried to take away from me was really also a time machine." I told him.

"Cool, what's an iPod?" he whimpered.

"It's something you use to listen to music," I yacked.

"OH MY FUCKING GOD, cool, wait, what's a four-letter-word for dirt?" he asked in his sexy voice.

"Um, I guess sand?" I said confusedly.

"Yeah I was just trying to make sure you were still da same person." He triumphantly giggled.

Suddenly some of my friends walked in.

"OH MY GOD, you're fucking alive!" said Ginny wearing a black leather jacket, black baggy pants and a Gothic black From First to Last shirt. I explained to her why I was alive.

"Konnichiwa, bitch," said Willow. She was wearing a black corset showing off her boobs with lace all around it and red stripes on it. With it she was wearing a black leather miniskirt, big black boots, white foundation, black eye-liner, red eye-shadow, and black lipstick.

"Hey, motherfucker," Said Diabolo with his red hair. He was wearing a black P?ATD t-shit and black baggy pants.

"Hey whose that, Ebony?" B'loody Mary questioned as she walked in wearing a black t-shit with a red pentagram on it with lace at the bottom, red leather pants with black lace, and black stilettos.

"Oh, it's Satan," I told her and she nodded knowing the truth.

Suddenly Satan started to cry.

"Are you okay, Satan?" we asked, concerned.

"OH MY FUCKING GOD, you're from the future! What if you don't like me anymore because we're from different times?" he asked.

"No, I still like you," I said sexily to him.

"Okay," He said, reassured. I let him listen to Teenagers by MCR on my iPod while I was about to go outside to find out some things. I gave Diabolo a signal to keep Satan occupied. Satan fell asleep. I took the iPod. I was about to walk outside. Professor Sinistra ran in! She was wearing a Gothic black mini-dress with depressing black stripes, white and black stripped tights, and red converse shoes. She was wearing lots of black eye-liner.

"Oh my fucking God, where's Draco! How did Snape get back here! I thought he was in Azkaban," I asked sadly.

"Ebony I was so worried about you but I know you can't fucking die because you're a vampire. Snape came back because that girl, Brittney, freed him. I never liked her because she was a bad student," Trelawney said reassuredly.

"That bitch! Did she also free Hagrid and Lupin?" I shouted angrily. I hated Brittney because she was a fucking prep.

"Yes, they are on the loose at this school. Dumbledore is back. Cornelius is on his way to help everyone. Tell everyone you see to lock themselves in their Common Room!" Trelawney said worriedly.

"Okay. But where's Draco? How come he was doing it with Snape?"

"I don't know why, but I know he almost tried to commit suicide after he saw you almost kill yourself," she said.

"OH MY GOD, that's terrible!" I gasped. Satan was still asleep, so he couldn't tell what was going on. Then I said "Listen everyone, I have something important to do. Everyone stay in here!" With that I ran out.

"Good luck, Tara!" everyone cried.

I ran sexily down the stairs into the Great Hall while the portraits around looked at me, scared. There was hardly anyone else on the stairs and there was an atmosphere of horror. On the way I saw Brittney laughing on the stairs. She was wearing a a slutty pink shirt with flowers on it, a blue denim skirt, Abercrombie, and pink stilettos. She looked just like a pentagram of those fucking preps Hillary Duff and Lindsey Lohan.

"You fucking bitch!" I shouted angrily.

"No, you're totally a bitch. Now Voldemort will like totally kill you!" she laughed.

"Crucio!" I shouted seductively pointing my black wand and she started screaming because she was being tortured and I laughed sadistically.

"No! Help me! Please!" Brittney screamed, terrified.

I put up my middle finger at her. In her hand I saw the video camera Snape and Lupin had used to take the video of me. I put the tape of Voldemort doing it with Hedwig onto it. Then I continued to run down the stairs with the camera. When I had reached the Great Hall I saw Vampire Potter. "OH MY GOD, Vampire," I yelled.

We hugged each other happily. He locked at me with his Gothic red eyes and spiky black hair. Around them was black eye-liner and eye-shadow. He was wearing a black leather Jackson, leather pants, a Panic! At the Disco concert shirt and his black converse shoes. He looked more like Joel from Good Charlotte than ever. (Did you hear their song The River? It rocks!) "I was so worried you died!" moaned Vampire.

"I know but I'm a vampire. When I woke up I was back in 1980, so, anyway, I bought Voldemort from when he was young with me."

"Where's Draco?" I asked suspiciously.

"Draco? You mean that fucking poser who betrayed you?" Vampire snarled with anger in his sexy voice.

"I KNOW, BUT WE HAVE TO FIND HIM," I said sadly.

"I'll do it then," Harry said, angsting.

"Okay," I agreed. Suddenly … all the lights in the room went out. And then … the Dark Mark appeared.

"Oh my fucking Satan!" Harry shouted.

"I think Voldemort has arrived," I said anxiously. "Fuck, I have to find Draco! I guess we should separate."

"Okay," Vampire said disapparating. Sadly I ran into the Great Hall.