The hours had passed slowly. Just as I thought, sleep passed over me yet again.
It was still early in the morning, but I knew that my mom was already awake. I could smell the coffee coming from downstairs. Was I ready to face the day? Face her? Something told me I was going to regret getting out of bed.
I quickly jumped up and changed into my jogging clothes. Running was my way favorite way of relaxing. Starting my day off like this was the only way I'd possibly make it through.
I looked in the mirror and wiped away the eye liner that had smeared over my face. Pulling back my hair and giving myself a once over. My mom hadn't seen me in close to ten years. I could just imagine the things she would have to say about the tattoos that now covered my body. Today I was even more grateful for the door that leads to the beach from my room.
I stepped out onto the porch, letting the sun hit my skin. I stretched my arms above my head, feeling the tightness in my back and shoulders. I knew this was going to be good for me.
I made my way down towards the beach. When my feet hit the sand, I took off. The stress of the impending day had already started melting away. My mind was suddenly clear and the lack of sleep was no longer evident.
I had probably run for a couple hours. The sun was above me when I made it back to the house. As I approached, I noticed her sitting out on the porch. She saw me. Saw my arms. I knew she was going to have something to say about it. I'm glad I got my run in!
I climbed the stairs back to my room and closed the door behind me. I jumped into the shower before I went downstairs to start the day with my mother.
I walked into the kitchen and headed straight for the coffee pot. Not even making eye contact with her as she sat at the table reading the paper. I pulled a cup from the cabinet, poured a cup, and sat down next to her at the table.
She looked at my above the paper, still not speaking. I decided it was my turn to break the silence.
"So when is the service?" Trying to keep the topic on something that wouldn't cause problems.
"Tonight at 5." She was being short with me. It seemed as though she was doing it on purpose.
"Anything that you'd like me to do to help?" Letting my observation pass.
"No I've already taken care of it. I could have used the help a couple days ago."
"Sorry ma. I'm here now. If you can think of anything please let me know" I said standing from the table. "I'm going to run into town and get some flowers for the service."
"Take the car so you won't be late." She said to me still not looking up from the paper.
My mother hadn't always been like this towards me. Even after my father had passed, she had still put some effort into showing that she cared. Once I hit high school she had given up the fight. I hadn't let my grades slip or been ditching. She didn't feel like she had anything to worry about. Her job was almost over by the time I reached 16. She thought she was in the clear. She had no idea what my junior year had in store for me.
I started looking forward to my biology class every day. The seating was permanent for the remainder of the year. A whole year of being near him. Infatuation had hit me hard at 16. His cute smile and blue eyes were all it took.
I entered the room and headed straight for my seat. Mr. Williams walked in the room and asked us to pass our homework to the front. Jax turned and took my homework from my hand. He gave me a half smile. He seemed distracted by something.
"We are going to be doing a group project" Mr. Williams said "Groups of two. Your partner will be the person sitting in front of you." As soon as the words left his mouth my heart rate had sped up. Jax and I would be partners. I had hardly spoken to him over the numerous years we had gone to school together.
Mr. Williams explained the project, the expectations and how long we had to complete it. Afterwards he let us discuss and plan. Jax turned around in his seat. He started rattling off ideas on how we should make our presentation. I was a little shocked. It must have been apparent on my face, because Jax stopped and started laughing.
"What's so funny?" I asked not knowing what he was laughing at.
"You just seem so surprised. Just cause I pretend to not give a shit, doesn't mean that I really don't." He was right. He never seemed like he even paid attention to the lectures. Never even took notes. He was smarter than I had given him credit for. Which made me feel terrible.
The rest of class flew by. We passed our ideas back and forth. Outlining everything we had gone over.
"So do you want to take turns working on it. One night I take it, the next you?" I said unsure of how he wanted to do this.
"Nah, we should do it together. Maybe after school or something" Acting as though my idea hadn't crossed his mind "Can't really do it at my place though, too much shit going on."
"Yeah, yeah we could always work at my house. My mom is always working so there is no one there to bother us."
The bell rang and we started packing our bags to leave for the day. We walked out together and headed towards the parking lot.
"I have to catch a ride with one of my friends, but I can meet you there."
"I can give you a ride" he said stopping in front of a motorcycle. I looked at it unsure of what he was suggesting.
"You want me to ride that?" I said with a laugh. I had never even been close to a motorcycle let alone on the back of one. My mind when directly to my mom. What would she think? I knew she would be mad if she ever found out. I looked at the helmet Jax had held out in his hand.
"You only live once right?" He said nonchalantly.
"You know you're right! What the hell?" I grabbed the helmet and placed it on my head. My stomach was in knots. My mind was running a million miles a minute. But my heart had kept me going. Jax climbed on first and started his bike. It roared to life Gaining the attention of everyone in the parking lot. My friends looked as well. They looked horrified, but today I didn't care. It all felt unreal. I wanted this for so long. I climbed on behind him and looked around trying to find a place that I could hang on.
"You know you're going to want to hang on darlin." He said pushing back the kick stand.
"To what?" I yelled over the roar of the engine. He grabbed my right arm and pulled it around his stomach.
"To me." He said. I could hear the smile in his voice. He put a cigarette to his lips and lit it before the bike started to pull forward. As soon as I noticed the movement, my left arm quickly joined my right, squeezing Jax tightly around his stomach. We pulled out of the parking lot and took off down the road. As we sped up my eyes closed. I was terrified to look. I could feel the speed. I didn't want to see it as well. I yelled the directions as we rode down the streets of town, never once opening my eyes.
Finally the bike started to slow. I could feel it pull into a driveway. "We in the right place?" Opening my eyes I looked up at my house. We were here, and I was still alive. As terrified as I was, I still had enjoyed every second of my arms wrapped around him.
"Yeah we're here."
"You live here?" Jax asked, his eyes not leaving the house.
As I drove down Main Street, everything that I saw had some memory of him. I parked in front of the flower shop, not leaving the car yet. I knew if I sat for too long, I would drift off to thoughts of him. I was here for my grandfather's service, not to reminisce about what used to be.
I walked into the flower shop and started to browse. There was something about fresh flowers that I absolutely loved. I always kept fresh flowers in the vase on my kitchen table in New York. It seemed to brighten up the room, along with my mood, especially when I felt alone, or homesick.
As I walked around trying to pick out the perfect flowers for tonight, I heard someone walk up from the back room.
"You need help finding anything?" The women asked. I didn't look up right away.
"No. I'm just looking really. Not sure for what. It's for my grandfather's funeral."
"Alexis? Holy shit is that really you?" Not recognizing the voice I looked up. Even after 10 years I would know that face anywhere.
"Donna? Oh my god?! I can't believe this. You're still here!" Donna had been one of my friends from high school. She had dated Jax's best friend. We had talked over the phone a few times, but not recently.
"Yeah I'm still here! Like that's a surprise." She held up her left had showing off a wedding ring. "Bet this doesn't surprise you either." She laughed as I grabbed at her hand.
"To who? Do I know him?"
"Yeah I would think so. Opie and I." The words left her mouth and my jaw dropped. I had never thought that they would have made it this far. They were always so off and on again.
"That's great. I'm so happy for you both."
"Thanks Lex. I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather. I know how close the two of you were" she said leaning in to give me a hug. I wrapped my arms around her to return the hug. "Have you seen Jax yet?"
It was the only thing constantly on my mind since getting on the bus to come back home. He had plans, to get away from here, away from the life he was bound to have if he stayed.