Flashback

My mind hadn't stopped since my talk with Gemma. Her words made me sick to my stomach. I always had the feeling that she liked me, but after last night, I didn't know what to think.

I didn't want to say goodbye to Jax, but she got me thinking. Maybe Gemma was right. We are completely different. I wanted to ask questions about the club, about his life. Gemma had made it clear that wasn't allowed. As much as I wanted to ask, I was terrified of the answers I might get.

I knew what I had to do, and it was going to take everything I had to actually go through with it.

SAMCRO was known for lots of things in Charming, throwing parties had been one of them. That night the clubhouse was packed. Donna had me taking shots with her at the bar.

Jax was sitting at one of the tables surrounding the bar, with a beer in his hand and a smoke between his lips. I could see him from the corner of my eye. With everything going on in the clubhouse, his eyes hadn't left me.

I grabbed two more shots and stood from the bar, about to walk to the table that Jax was sitting at. Before I could Gemma walked towards him and sat down.

Jax's point of view

I couldn't take my eyes off of her. Hard to believe that she was actually here after all this time. My mom came and sat down at the table with me, breaking my gaze of Alexis.

Gemma looked at me, then turned and looked at Alexis. Turning back around, rolling her eyes at me.

"What happened with Alexis is ancient history mom." I said, taking a drag of my smoke.

"She hurt this family, tried to pull you away."

"I didn't leave, did I?"

"But she did, it broke your heart."

"I guess." I said, running a hand through my hair.

"You guess? She crushed you Jackson." Gemma said reaching out for my hand, but I pulled away.

"I was nineteen. It was first love bullshit. I grew up. I got over it. Its time you got over it too." I said, as I stood up from the table.

I left my mom sitting at the table. I wasn't in the mood to hear anything she had to say about Alexis. When she left it broke my heart, but having her here with me, was like a wake up. I wasn't going to mess this up again.

Jax walked up to me and slid his arm around me.

"What was that all about?" I said to Jax, gazing in Gemma's direction.

"Nothing for you to worry about darlin'. " He said leaning in and kissing my forehead.

I knew that eventually Jax would want to talk about why I left. It had to be in the back of his mind.

"Hey, you doing ok?" He said pushing hair behind my ear.

"I'm okay, just a lot on my mind." I said trying to muster up a smile for him.

He pulled my hand to his mouth, kissing it along my knuckles. He motioned to the dorm rooms, with a sly smile on his face. He began walking towards them, holding my hand, pulling me behind him.

We enter his room, he closes the door behind me. I sat down on his bed, looking around the room, taking it all in. It didn't look much different from what I had remembered. Other than being a little messier. Beer bottles, overflowing ashtrays, and empty cigarette packs littered the floor around his bed.

"I'm not much of a housekeeper." He says picking a few beer bottles up, throwing them into the trash can close the the bathroom.

"I'm not here to see your room," I said pulling him in close to me by his belt loops "I'm here to see you." All my thoughts leaving my mind.

Being around him always did this to me. Like every thought or worry that I had, was lifted when I was in the same room as him.

I stood, walking to the door, turning the lock and facing back to him. A smile creeping across his face, he sat on the bed. I walked to him slowly, pulling my shirt off over my head. Reaching where Jax sat on the bed, I ran my fingers through his hair, down to his neck and over his shoulders. I pushed his kutte down his arms, letting it fall onto the bed. I eagerly pulled his shirt off, wanting to feel his skin against mine. I straddled him, and his arms wrapped around me, pulling me into him. He stood, still holding me, turning around and laying me down. Not once breaking the stare into my eyes.

He stood once more to undo his belt, sliding his pants down to the ground.

"Can you do me one favor?" I said, smiling, staring up at him.

"Of course, anything for you."

"Wear your kutte?" I asked, blushing.

He laughed and picked his kutte up off the bed. Pulling it back over his shoulders. "I aim to please, babe." He said with a laugh, then jumping back on top of me.

The next morning, I woke to the sound of the shower, and empty spot next to me. I could smell coffee coming from somewhere in the clubhouse. The water switched off and I rolled over to get a better view of the bathroom.

I watched as Jax got out of the shower, pulling a towel from the rack on the wall. He wrapped it around his waist and made his way over to the bed.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."

"I'm glad you did, wouldn't want to miss out on that show." I said, laying up in bed, stretching, letting the sheet fall down, exposing my naked body.

"Be careful darlin', doing stuff like that might get me started again." He said, kissing me quickly on the lips. "I've got a quick errand to run today, but it shouldn't take me long. You can stay here, or I can run you back to my place, if you want?"

"If I could get a ride back to the house. I'd like to shower and change." I said reaching for a shirt that was lying on the ground.

I finished dressing and collected the rest of my things. Jax stopped to talk to a few of the club members before we left.

When we got to Jax's house. I climbed off his bike. He gave me the key to the house, gave me a kiss, and headed off to run his errand.

He hadn't gone into detail, so I knew it was for the club. Even now I was going to follow the rules Gemma had laid down for me all those years ago. I would not ask questions. I knew what was coming when he got home. I was going to comfort him, in the best way I knew how.

That evening, Jax came home, exhaustion all over his face. His sweater was zipped all the way up, his hands in his pockets. I walked towards him, kissed him on the cheek.

"You look worn out. Why don't you go take a shower. I've got dinner going for you, it should be done when you get out." I said reaching to unzip his hoodie. He tried to stop me, but it was too late. I had it about halfway down when I noticed splatters of blood down the front of his shirt.

"I'm sorry." He said hanging his head.

"For what?" I said, acting as though I didn't notice the blood.

"You know, when I heard you were back in town, I ran the scenario of how this would work, you and me."

"What'd it look like?"

"Like this. You wondering what kind of bad shit I was doing, me saying I'm sorry."

With that, he turned and walked to his room. Leaving me standing alone in the kitchen. I wasn't sure what that was supposed to mean to me. Was it his way of saying that this wasn't going to work?

A ringing from my phone interrupted my thoughts. I pulled it from my pocket, answering it without knowing the number.

"Can I ask you a question?" Gemma's voice came through right away.

"I'm tired. I'm not really up for this." I said, looking towards Jax's room.

"Just trying to figure out what's going on. You and Jax are obviously reconnected."

"Honestly? I don't know what we are." I said, knowing where this was going.

"Thats what concerns me. You're clearly not one of them."

"Glad thats clear." Irritation hinting in my voice.

"So what happens next? You become his old lady? What does that look like?"

"Okay I get it." All I wanted to do was hang up, but I didn't want her to feel like she won.

"I know you hate me, but this isn't me being some overbearing bitch. This is someone telling you the truth. You and Jax is a bad idea. Someone better start thinking clearly before both of you get hurt."

"Well it wouldn't be my first bad idea, it seems to follow me wherever I go." I said, tears running down my face.

"You know you are smarter, and more strong willed than anyone I've ever met. You need to shine some of that on this thing with Jax. He's not smart enough right now to do what's right. You have to be the one to break this off. Save both of you from something bad." With that, she hung up the phone.

Jax got out of the shower, and we sat down to the table to eat dinner. I tried to keep the conversation going, but I found my mind wondering. We finished up, cleaning the mess up without any words exchanged.

We made our way to his room. Sitting down on the edge of the bed, while he made himself comfortable, and it all started coming out.

"Your mom says that I have to end this, that whatever we're doing here can't work."

"You believe her?" He said putting his arm around my waist.

"What is this? What do you want?" I said, standing up from the bed quickly.

"I want you to stop listening to my crazy mom, and get some sleep." Sitting up in bed, running his hand over his exhausted face.

"We can't keep looking the other way, we have to think about this. What the hell are we doing?"

He pulled me into him. Tears in my eyes. I was trying not to let them fall. Kissing the top of my head, running his hands through my hair.

"Then we should talk about all this."

"Where do I even start?" I knew I needed to tell him why I left. What happened after I left. What would he think? I didn't want him to hate me for what I did.