Chapter Eleven: Risk and Reward
By 9:00 a.m., Emma is puttering at the kitchen sink, finishing up the dishes from breakfast and doing a valiant job of ignoring the hangover headache still pulsing at her brow. Smiling despite everything that has gone on, she is busy being charmed by Ruby and Henry's lighthearted conversation from where they sit at the kitchen counter behind her. Henry gabbles on with one of his made-up stories while Ruby giggles and asks questions at all the right places.
When Killian stumbles down the last few steps and shuffles into the scene a few minutes later, looking irresistibly rumpled and still dead tired, Emma flushes remembering the vulnerable way she'd offered herself up to him the night before and the embarrassment that followed, still she offers him a soft smile, nodding her head towards the fresh coffee waiting at the counter. Shocks of his black hair stand on end and the hazy blue of his half-open eyes is bleary as he pads forward on sock feet, but it doesn't keep Emma from feeling as if her whole world and all that she loves is now here in this kitchen – no matter how she tries to steel herself against it. Leaving behind the feelings stirred up and then left unfulfilled last night will clearly be harder than she thought.
"Rough night?" Ruby asks her partner with a knowing quirk to her brow and teasing in her tone as she glances up from Henry to look at Killian for a moment.
Killian, however, merely glares at her, not even bothering to answer Ruby as he grunts noncommittally and begins to pour the steaming coffee into a heavy ceramic mug. Ruby rolls her eyes good naturedly, used to he grumpy nature when exhausted.
Not at all intimidated, she snorts humorously and shakes her head, but doesn't push, sensing something going on that she hasn't been made privy to – probably seeing it even more in the way Emma stiffens and her eyes shift almost guiltily at Ruby's question to Jones as well. Studying her other charge more closely, even as she continues to nod to Henry so he doesn't feel that he has lost her attention, Ruby begins to take in more of the other woman's tells. The way Emma's eyes squint as though fighting a headache and shy away from the light, the tight line of her mouth, and the circles under her eyes, become more apparent as Ruby considers Emma more closely. "Are you alright?" she asks, nudging her new friend when Killian finds the seat farthest from her searching gaze and makes it clear he is not planning to give her any answers.
Emma smiles at her wryly, a bit of pink blush rising high on her cheeks as she nods toward Henry, clearly trying to convey a sort of 'maybe I'll explain later when he's not listening'.
Ruby nods her understanding and stands up suddenly, clapping her hands in excitement, which causes Emma to jump, startled, and Killian to wince and hold his hand to his temple. The younger agent pays no mind to either of them though, only looking at Henry and practically bouncing with excitement for his benefit. "Hey bud, do you still wanna go outside for a bit? This evening is that fair in town you've been dying to go to, but it's hours away. What do ya say we go for a walk?"
"Yeah!" Henry agrees with immediate enthusiasm, leaping off the chair he had been sitting on and hopping up and down until Ruby picks him up and swings him around.
Ruby grins happily, putting the youngster back on the floor so he can run to find his shoes and jacket. Turning in the kitchen entryway, she looks at both Killian and Emma in turn. "Are we still planning to take him to that this evening? I know he needs to learn a lesson from yesterday, but he's been asking if it's time for this for two weeks…and it might be our last chance for a little celebration of our time here." She looks almost as hopeful as Henry would if he were asking Emma thinks with some amusement mixed into her affection. In truth, she had not even seriously considered taking this treat away from her little boy. Other than his error with his teacher, Henry has been a model child, and she wants to do something fun with him to make up for all the change and drama in his life recently. They leave for Boston soon, and Emma knows things will turn more difficult and emotionally charged again – not to mention possibly frightening once the trial is underway – and she wants to commemorate their time here for herself as well as Henry
Emma meets Ruby's eyes and nods confirmation.
"Good," Ruby grins, mischief then overtaking her features as she continues, "but you both look like you need to take a nap, or you might not feel up to it…"
"Blimey, Lucas! Get out of here!" Jones snarls, waving her off with irritable impatience, even though as bleary and stiff as he appears, it is far from threatening. "Of course, we'll take the lad. You're just nosing around for details that are none of your concern."
She pulls her full red lips together into a firm line, raising her eyebrows in an expression of disbelief. "If you say so, Kil," she states deliberately, "but from where I'm standing, it would seem this could concern us all." Turning on her heel, she is gone quickly, and a few moments later, they hear the front door click shut behind her exit with Henry.
Emma lets out the soapy water after putting the last of the dishes in the drainer. Refilling her mug of coffee, she crosses to the table and sits facing Killian, but then finds herself with no idea what to say and stares down into her drink, hoping he will speak.
A light breeze drifts in through the open kitchen windows, and peals of laughter from Henry on the porch, birds singing, and the tapping of the maple tree's branch against the outside of the house do interrupt the silence, but Emma finds herself yet hanging on it anxiously when Killian clears his throat, looks up, and makes eye contact.
"Well, Lass," he starts, licking his lip in a slow gesture, obviously meant to give him one more moment to gather his thoughts, but which makes her swallow hard trying desperately not to look at his tempting lips that aren't hers to kiss. His low voice continues and thankfully reclaims her attention. "I have truly made a mess of things." He runs a frustrated hand through his hair, bowing his head for a moment before glancing back up to her.
Emma's brow furrows as she reaches out to take his hand gently. "You messed up? What do you mean, Jones? I was thinking that I owed you the apology. I was out of line last night when you were just trying to do your job."
He shakes his head, then winces and immediately halts the movement, gracing her with a rueful half-smile. Clearly, his neck is more than a bit stiff. "But I hurt you, Swan. Or at least I fear that I did…and that was far from my intention." He stops there, not wanting to mention the last few words she had said and the pain he had heard in her voice when he stopped their kiss. "It's just that I am your assigned agent, and you are a federal witness. There is nothing more important than keeping you and your boy safe. Whatever my feelings may be, I cannot allow them to affect my focus. There are reasons agents are not supposed to get emotionally involved with their charges – though I must admit it is a bit too late for that."
She gives him a small, mischievous smile from beneath her lashes, squeezing the fingers of his hand that she still holds playfully. "Too late?" she questions again hopefully, afraid to say that his words have given her a glimpse of hope. Even if he will not allow himself to act, if the attraction she feels for him is returned as she thought, then someday…
"You must know, Emma. Surely you know how I care for you. But if anything were to happen because my guard was down, if I let emotion steal my vigilance and you or Henry paid the price…" He shakes his head violently, as if to erase all other outcomes from thought. "No. I cannot take that chance."
She nods her understanding but still holds his gaze. Drawing in a deep breath, Emma forces herself to look into the stunning blue of Killian's eyes and to be as honest as he has just been with her. "You haven't messed anything up, not if that's the way you feel. I was hurt because I thought I was the only one, that you aren't as affected as me, and that I'm only a responsibility to you. I can't blame you for caring more about our safety than anything else. Nothing is more important than Henry's life to me. Still…" she blows out a breath here, rubbing her suddenly sweaty free hand on her thigh, "if there is something here…between us… you won't be our agent forever, right? I mean, the trial will end sometime, and we can only hope those animals are put away. Maybe then…?"
Killian feels the tiniest smile curling up the corners of his mouth as well. "Aye, Lass, maybe then we shall see just what else we could be." He is honestly more than a bit flabbergasted at her admission and the turn this conversation has taken altogether. He knows it isn't professional to give her false hope like this; she could be moved anywhere in the world and be given yet another identity when this is all over. They aren't even that far along yet. He or Ruby could be hurt or even killed trying to protect them before the trial ever occurs. Yet, it's hard to deny the happiness he sees spreading over her lovely face or the hope he feels blooming in his own heart. It was apparently genuine desire and not only the rum and tension that caused her to act as she did last night, for which he is immensely grateful, even if it makes life more complicated right now. Denying himself – and Emma – the incredible connection they feel is much more bearable when he lets himself think it won't be forever, that they may have a chance at some point once the danger has passed and his job is done. He makes the decision then and there that he simply is not going to take that away from either of them.
"Then there's nothing to forgive," Emma vows, taking his hand, still twined with hers, and cradling it against her chest for a moment. "I'm sorry that you saw me like that last night and that I really put you in a tough spot. Thinking that Henry had been taken really threw me for a loop. After all we had done, I couldn't believe that maybe it had made no difference, maybe they would find us no matter what we did. I knew I was going to fall apart, and I didn't want anyone to see. I certainly didn't mean for you to have to take care of me in that state."
"Ah, Darling," he whispers lightly, ghosting his thumb in a tender brush across her cheek. "That was nothing. It has been far too long since anyone needed me for myself, not just as an FBI agent. You never have to apologize for that – or for being human. What happened with Henry would have shaken anyone. I'm just glad I found you, and that you are alright."
She dips her head, blushing violently but chuckling too, glad that it feels everything is out in the open now and they are going to be okay. It doesn't make the desire or the wish for this man to hold her, the craving for another searing kiss, disappear, but knowing the feeling is returned helps with the awkwardness. They will not always have to deny themselves the reward their feelings could bring. It's too much of a risk now, but there is the hope that someday things will be different.
"All's well now, eh Swan?" he murmurs, waggling his eyebrows and sweetly easing the mood that had grown heavy between them with his easy banter.
"Aye," she teases back, making a horrible attempt at copying his accent, "it is."
The moment stretches on until Emma shakes herself loose and stands. Going to the front door and looking out to the porch where Henry and Ruby are, she can still feel Killian's presence warm and close behind as he follows her, but it isn't discomforting now; they have an understanding and are in this together once again.
Her little boy looks up as she peeks out and calls to him. Her heart swells, and it is a reward in itself when his eyes sparkle with pure, uncomplicated joy; for this one moment, the risks to this point have been worth it to see her little boy so happy and free. Whatever comes after this, she will still do anything for Henry and the love he has brought to her life.