Chapter Seventeen: The Lost can be Found

Emma hears his voice in her sleep. Even if she is not fully aware, some part of her feels the soft, gentle touch of his hand as Jones leans over her, desperate to see the rise and fall of her chest as she breathes, and brushes her hair back tenderly while gazing on her face to memorize every line. She doesn't understand and shifts restlessly, but she cannot seem to wake. Somewhere in the haze of recovery, meds, shock, and injury she wants to surface, to answer him and make certain that he is really there, alive and healing after what they went through, but her body will not yet follow her commands.

As Killian bends to lay a soft kiss to her forehead, Emma still remains floating in the clouded half-waking state, hearing but unseeing, merely warmed by the low burr of his accent saying he loves her, begging her to remember it no matter how things might seem. Then it feels as though an icy cold penetrates her soothing bubble. It sounds like he is telling her goodbye…

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It takes several tries for Emma to pry open her eyes upon regaining consciousness and blinking painfully into the light. She draws in a gasp of air, panting in fear, for a moment back into that basement with two monsters, seeing them torture Killian in the last place she had been aware. Her eyes roll wildly, and she starts to shoot forward only to be stopped by her own head spinning dizzily. Falling back against the pillows, Emma struggles to catch her breath. Then, two beloved faces swim into view at her side, and she gradually begins to calm, her vision clearing as she reaches out for Henry's hand and Ruby gives her a welcoming smile.

"Mama!" Henry calls happily, leaning over the rail to lay his head on her shoulder, obviously knowing or having been cautioned not to squeeze or put too much pressure on her punished midsection.

"Hey Baby," she whispers, her voice still weak, joy flooding her and emotional tears welling in her eyes at the feel of her little boy in her arms once again. She wraps him up, if a bit feebly, and rubs her hand over his back in comfort.

"It's good to see you awake, Emma," Ruby speaks up sincerely.

"Thanks," Emma returns with a wan and lopsided grin. "You're a sight for sore eyes yourself."

She merely revels in Henry's presence, and Ruby's too, for a few wonderful, healing moments, but then her brow furrows in confusion and a chill of fear echoes through her. Someone is missing, and unless he was not alright – had he been injured too badly? – she cannot think why Killian wouldn't be here now. Her eyes rise searchingly to meet Ruby's over Henry's downy hair, where he has burrowed into her hold, and asks, her voice breaking with concern and trepidation, "Where's Killian?"

Before Ruby can even answer, Emma sees in his partner's eyes that Killian is gone. What she doesn't know is how or why, and her heart pounds, blood racing through her veins painfully on the rush of panic that gushes through. He cannot be dead; there simply cannot be a twist of fate so cruel as to take his life merely for trying to save her and Henry's. Was he hurt so badly that he has been confined to bed and can't be here? Is he afraid of her seeing what his hand looks like now in the aftermath? Does he blame her and no longer want to be near her after what loving her and trying to shield her have cost him? Breath still wretchedly short, she finds herself almost panting the words as she reaches around Henry's little body to clutch Ruby's forearm desperately, "He isn't…he's not…is he?"

Emma cannot even audibly make her lips form around the word 'dead', but her new friend seems to read her fear and understand what she is trying to ask all the same. Shaking her head quickly until the dark waves fly around her face, Ruby leans forward to take Emma's hand and return the pressure, answering quickly before Emma's mind can fly to any worse scenarios and fears. "No, Emma, he's alive. He's stable, conscious. Other than…" she swallows hard, but then pushes on resolutely, "his hand, they expect him to make a full recovery."

For a moment, Emma simply deflates with relief, sinking back into her pillows and breathing more normally. If he is still alive and fighting, whatever else has happened can be worked through; whatever is keeping him away right now is not permanent. Henry snuggles in closer to her side, tucking his head under her chin and lightly running his little hands over her arm, as if petting her, he's so happy to see her awake again and holding him. She ducks her head and breathes in his clean, sweet, innocent child smell, burying her nose in his fine, soft hair and steadying herself in this little person – the best, good part of her world.

When she raises her eyes to meet Ruby's though, she doesn't miss that something is still troubling the young agent. There is more to be said, and though Emma is growing more and more certain she doesn't want to hear it, she also cannot stop the need to know why this yawning chasm of doubt and unease in her gut still hasn't begun to close.

"Is it his hand? Is he hurt so badly they won't let him out of bed?" she questions, wincing at the very thought of Killian in as much pain as she had seen him in last, well aware of how he would hate feeling useless and having to lie helpless, even if it was what his body needed in order to heal.

Ruby sighs, once more taking the seat near Emma's bed that she had vacated in the excitement of her friend waking up at last. Shaking her head, the brunette avoids Emma's eyes as she begins to speak. It is something that Emma has never known her to do – and the pit of restless worry opens wider, even before Ruby's next words hit home. "Killian's gone, Emma."

Not sure what she had been expecting, but knowing it wasn't that simple declaration, Emma's mouth falls open in disbelief, green eyes scanning Ruby's face as if she has missed some detail and just trying to understand. "What?" she manages to whisper dazedly, so soft she has to clear her throat and try again to be heard. "What do you mean…gone?"

"I mean," Ruby's brow furrows, both her expression and her voice pained at how much she knows this will hurt her charge, and also for her own loss of her best friend, "that he isn't here anymore. He left word for David – Agent Nolan – but not me. Snuck out last night when the rest of us were occupied elsewhere. He knew better than to speak to me about this; I would have knocked some sense into his stubborn, self-sacrificing head," she adds the last on a growl of frustration.

"So he's just…gone?" Emma echoes blindly, tears welling in her eyes without her consent. She had wanted so desperately to see him when she woke, to know that they had both survived their nightmare and were going to be okay. She cannot dwell now on the fact that she should have known better. She isn't worth the losses she has already brought him; of course he had to go now while he still could, leaving her alone again. What causes her more actual, physical pain is imagining him outside of the hospital somewhere – alone, in pain, and vulnerable, having cut himself off from all the help and support he knows.

"For the moment, anyway," Ruby answers, the determined jut of her chin telling Emma that the moment Agent Lucas doesn't have some other responsibility pulling at her, she will be out looking for her partner. It actually eases Emma's mind in some small way. If anyone can find Killian Jones before he manages to put too much space between them, his body gives out, or something even worse happens, it is this woman who knows him like a sibling, who has shared his life and been at his side for years.

Glancing down at Henry quickly, wondering at his silence and lack of questions about his friend 'Killy', Emma sees that he has drifted into a light doze. Knowing that it may be better to finish this conversation while her son is unaware anyway, she wrenches out one more question. "Why?" she rasps.

"I only know what David told me," Ruby says gently, wanting to soften this blow at least, as it will only add to her friend's pain. She is unable to lie to Emma though. "He thinks he failed you – that he didn't do his job of keeping you safe from harm. And now – with his hand – he's convinced he can't be a successful agent anymore. We all know otherwise, but he didn't give us the chance to argue or to convince him of it. He's resigned from the Bureau, and I truly don't know how much luck I'll have tracing him."

Emma nods her understanding, but she cannot bring herself to respond aloud. She doesn't want to accept any of what Ruby has just told her as the truth. Killian simply cannot have walked out of her life without even saying goodbye. He doesn't get to decide who she has in her world, or what is best for her. She needs him…and now more than ever, he needs her too. Gold, and Cora Mills as well, are both in custody. They were caught red-handed, and once she has testified, the trauma and danger will finally be over. She wants nothing more than his arms to fall into at that moment it is done at last. All she can do now is stare back at Ruby desolately, the last of her hope in her eyes and her heart in her throat. "But you'll try?" she nearly pleads.

Ruby's short jerk of a nod is little more than a mask to hide her own emotion.

"When you do find him," Emma won't let herself consider any other outcome, "tell him I need him to come back to me," she whispers, nearly choking as she admits such vulnerability, but hoping that she is giving Ruby the right words for this broken, beautiful man she has grown to love – the words that will ease his soul and return him to her. "Tell him he didn't fail me. He fought for me…like no one ever has before."

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Henry has long since slipped into a deep enough sleep to last the night through, and Ruby had strode out purposefully, one last knowing look shared between them as she went, when Emma's sleepless, wandering thoughts are interrupted by a light knock on her hospital room's door. Surprised that anyone else would be looking for her, Emma glances up to see the petite, dark-headed Ms. Blanchard, Henry's teacher, in the doorway, standing hesitantly as if she hopes to join them, but isn't sure of her welcome.

When Emma smiles lightly and beckons her forward, the sweetly pretty woman beams at her so gratefully that Emma feels her own countenance brightening in response. Ducking her head, the pixie-cute newcomer flushes happily, turning her pale, alabaster cheeks a lovely rose-red. "Are you sure you don't mind my joining you, Ms. White?"

Emma shakes her head 'no', honestly glad to have a respite from her melancholy thoughts, and gestures to the chair beside her bed. "Absolutely," she assures softly. "I could use the distraction." She knows that her identity as 'Margaret White' is ruined anyway (she has already been told that she will be relocated and given yet another alias and cover once the trial is over) and so she adds sheepishly in a whisper, "And you might as well call me Emma…my real name…for the time being at least."

"Well, in that case it's lovely to see you again, Emma," the schoolteacher answers with a bob of her head and warm, genuine smile. "I'm Mary."

Emma smiles back, glad for the company, but reverting to her usual guarded nature and unsure what to say.

"If we're being completely honest…" Mary adds, suddenly looking at her own hands nervously instead of into Emma's eyes, "I already knew that…David told me."

"Seriously?" Emma asks, surprised the FBI team leader she knows would have disclosed something like that. Then again, she supposes there is nothing it can really hurt at this point if the name she had been using won't be hers much longer anyway. She trusts Agent Nolan, even though she has not spent nearly as much time with him as Killian and Ruby, and believes implicitly that he takes his job with complete seriousness and gravity. If he finds it okay to tell this woman the whole truth, then Emma thinks it probably is. In her gut, she herself has felt since meeting Mary Blanchard that she is trustworthy. Shaking her head, Emma continues with a bit more coherence. "Sorry, I was just taken aback. He seems so set on protocol and making sure everything is done by the book – for our own safety. I didn't mean any offense."

"No, no, none taken," Mary returns, hands fluttering lightly as she brushes off the apology. "I understand. I would never tell another soul anyway. You have my word." Here she meets Emma's eyes and leans forward a bit, her own crystal-clear orbs sparkling with contagious joy and mirth. "The reason David trusts me though, is more than just proof or intuition though."

Emma can't fight the smile she feels creeping onto her mouth, mirroring the one stretched across her new friend's lips. There had been something very like this look on Mary's face the day David had asked them to put her on the phone after Henry was found. Like she had a wonderful secret she simply could not wait to share. "Oh really?" she asks, feigning casual interest, when her curiosity is in truth beginning to get the best of her.

"We knew each other years ago…when we were barely out of our teens. We both lived in Boston then; our parents were part of the same social circle. I came home from my second year of college for Christmas, and we went to this amazing holiday ball at his family's estate. Very fancy and old fashioned…so romantic." She blushes even darker at this, ducking her head to hide giddy embarrassment as she relives the long ago memory. "I had never seen him before, but our eyes met across the room, and then he asked me to dance. It sounds like something out of some silly fairy tale, but I knew right then, that night. And there's never been anyone else for me."

Somewhere in the midst of the recitation, Emma realizes Mary has taken her hands, and she squeezes back with affection, trying to picture such a pleasant growing up, with a family and holiday parties, and a prince riding onto the scene to win her heart. That strikes too close to thoughts of Killian once more and quick pain lances at her chest, but she hides it well and asks, "So what happened? It sounds like he felt the same." Again, she doesn't know David well, but she can't see him leaving Mary behind if he had been equally as affected by their meeting.

"Our parents didn't approve," Mary answers sadly, her voice is a whisper and her eyes look as though they are now seeing scenes from far away play across her mind. "His most especially. Obviously, his marriage wasn't going to be arranged in this day and age, but it had always been a sort of foregone conclusion that he would marry this young woman he had known his whole life, the daughter of his father's business partner. My parents didn't want to be on the bad side of such influential people, and so, when I went back to school in the New Year, they intercepted his letters, didn't deliver his phone messages, and told me that he'd thrown me over, gone back to the girl he had always intended to marry. I never saw David again after that holiday season. But I never forgot him….I'd always wondered…"

"And to think, you found each other again completely by accident…another twist of fate," Emma adds, somewhat awed by the whole story. What were the chances in this crazy, uncaring world that two people would be reunited after so long, and that both would still be unattached and missing the other, perhaps even waiting to find the other again without really knowing it? She would not, even a mere year ago, have been able to imagine such a thing, but she knows now as she looks into Mary Blanchard's face and sees the fulfillment after years of loneliness and yearning, that it must be possible. She will have Killian Jones in her heart for as long as she lives, no matter how hard he tries to stay away for her own good, no matter how long it takes her to find him. He has won her heart, and when this is all over, she will find a way to reach him and make sure he understands.

(Thank you for your patience out there on the internet! This one took longer to come together, maybe because it has less action and is tying up some loose ends, or maybe because Killian isn't physically present in it. Whatever the reason, I hope to be quicker with the next installment, which Killian will absolutely be in, and things will pick up again with the upcoming trial. Thanks once more for reading; I love hearing what you think!)