Dear Journal

It hurts. The pain is worse than I remember, my heart is screaming in agony. I was finally starting to turn back on, finally allowing myself to feel, if only just a little. I think that back then my fear must have muted some of the pain, because now that I am no longer afraid it hurts so much worse. Potter came up to me, approached me after potions. My heart stuttered when I saw that he was alone, and I noticed the faint blush on his cheeks, and for a single moment I felt hope, and my soul soared with joy, lifted of its heavy burdens, but… then he drew from his pocket his wand. My old wand, the one he took from me, the one he used to kill that monster. He wanted to give it back, like it was still mine to have and use, and he held it out to me and I stared down at it and my heart…. Oh merlin I wish my heart had stopped beating that day so I would have never felt this pain.

To have hope for a single moment to have it come crashing down and to realize that the only reason he would ever approach me is because of his guilt. He feels guilty, I can see it in his eyes, but its written all over his face, his posture. He thinks it's his fault they died, he blames himself for every death, even for my father's, especially for my father's because it was so unnecessary. Potter had already killed the Dark Lord, the war should have ended there, no one should have had to die, but someone from his side still raised their wand, even after the announcement that they had won. Potter was there when my father fell, standing somewhere in the crowd behind me. He heard my mother weep and scream that they never wanted to be a part of this life, that father only ever did those things to try and protect us. Mother blamed them for all the wicked things we had done, said that it was their fault Slytherins only had one choice, follow the Dark Lord. Potter heard it and it was obvious he thought mother was blaming him alone, not the entire Order.

I looked down at that wand, and for a moment I remembered how it had made me feel when I first held it in my hand. I had felt powerful, I had felt like I could do anything, be anyone, but as I reached out my hand and touched the still familiar wood, I felt nothing but the pain, the pain of knowing that I can never have the things I truly want most in the world. I flinched away and snarled something, to the effect that it was no longer mine, before turning and fleeing. I ran back to the Slytherin dorms, grabbed my things and fled the castle. I couldn't handle being in the place I had once felt safe, the place where I had taken away my own safety by letting them in. I almost went home, to Malfoy Manor, but then I remembered what had happened there, and oh Merlin it hurts.

Somehow Pansy and Blaise found me, I think she was shopping for her sister's birthday and had dragged him along, since they were an item now. When they passed the alleyway I was lying in, they must have seen my hair. They took one look at me, my tear stained face, and next thing I know they're ushering me into a floo connected to a bar in France. The three of us use to go to that bar any time Pansy or Blaise got dumped, I'd never really been in a relationship and I think they both suspected I was in love with one person, because I had never slept with either of them, no matter how many times they offered. At some point during the war, they had gotten together and they were a perfect match, and the ring on Pansy's finger only made me cry harder and I told them, told them I would never have that. I didn't tell them who, or what or why till I got to my eighth shot of fire whisky, and by then I was to plowed to care that I had just given two of the most cunning people I knew something they could use against me. Pansy had promised she wouldn't tell before she left for some appointment, and Blaise started drinking with me. Telling me how sorry he was, that he didn't know. Soon we were both drunk off our asses, and I'm not exactly sure what all went on after that, I only remember waking up on the floor of Pansy's flat, with a pain in my chest, a physical one. When I finally extracted my face from the floor and found a mirror, I hadn't actually been shocked at what I saw, it made sense.

My mother of course was furious and had only taken one look at the tattoo before leaving the room. Severus had looked closer, and he must have seen the designs within the design, because he looked up at me with sad knowing eyes. My mother raged and screamed and wanted to know why on earth I would let any more ink be added to my perfect skin. I told her the truth, that my skinned was already marred, I was already ruined. Then I grabbed my things and headed back to Hogwarts, I didn't even need to take a hangover potion before I went to class, rubbing my chest I contemplated the mark of our connection right above my heart. A Dragon, the color of his eyes, but what really intrigued me was the design within the design. The white of the underbelly was vaguely in the shape of a lily. The cracked crest on the dragon's chest, only someone with a good eye would notice that it was a mix between two different crests, my own house and his.

Even though I swore never to drink again, never to make such stupid mistakes again, I still couldn't regret it.

Au Revoir