Mid-September, and the night of the CMA's 2014.
Deacon has his 11th CMA nomination for song of the year with "Breath In"
Maddie and Colt have their first CMA nomination for vocal duo of the year with "Just a kiss"
Gunnar has his 2nd CMA nomination for male vocalist of the year with "Crash My Party"
"It's a regular family affair tonight." Deacon had said, beaming with pride over 3 family nominations
"Deacon…Deacon…honey are you OK?" Rayna asked from outside the bathroom door
She'd left Deacon's tux on the bed a couple hours earlier before running out for a nail appointment. He'd had a good day, and they'd decided to attend the CMA's. She was worried when she'd come home to find the tux still lying on the bed and Deacon puking in the bathroom.
A couple months had passed since the 4th of July nightmare. Beverly had left without a word to anyone the morning of the 5th. Rayna had repeatedly tried to reach her since, to see if maybe she'd reconsider, but Beverly had ignored all attempts at communication.
It was killing Rayna to watch Deacon get sicker and sicker. His bad days outnumbered his good as time agonizingly dragged on.
"I can't do this tonight, Ray. I really wanted to, baby. I'm sorry, but I suddenly don't feel well." Deacon looked so sad it broke Rayna's heart as he exited the bathroom, laid back on the bed, and pushed his tux aside.
"It's OK, Deacon. We'll stay home and watch the CMA's on TV." She said as she sat next to him and ran her fingers through his thick, dark, hair
"No, Ray. You should go without me. It's Maddie's first nomination. She needs her mamma there. Please go?" Deacon pleaded
"I'm not leaving when you're feeling this bad, Deacon. Maddie will understand." She softly said as he drifted into sleep, unable to keep is eyes open, and lacking the strength to argue.
She gently kissed his cheek and left him alone to rest. He'd been extremely tired often sleeping most of his days away. He was barely eating. She couldn't remember the last time he'd picked up a guitar, or touched the keys of their piano. She missed his voice singing in the shower or working in the home studio. She feared he'd already given up.
(A week earlier…Dr. Rand's office)
"OK, well the good news is, you're at the top of the list for transplant. If an organ becomes available matching your profile…it's yours." Dr. Rand said matter of factly
"…and the bad?" Rayna asked afraid of the answer
"Your white blood cell count is very low. The risk of infection and illness is extremely high. My biggest concern is kidney function seems to be very low. I think maybe we should start you on dialysis to filter some of the toxins your body is unable to filter."
"How often will he need that?" Rayna asked squeezing Deacon's hand
"Probably a few times per week until we can get his kidney function to improve."
"Your blood pressure is low. I'm gonna start you on dopamine to improve that."
"So if a liver doesn't become available soon…how long can he survive like this?" Rayna asked choking back tears
"Mrs. Claybourne, I don't like to speculate on numbers when it comes to time left. Everyone is different…." Rayna cut him off
"I WANT YOU TO SPECULATE! HIS LIVER AND NOW HIS KIDNEYS ARE FAILING! IT DOESN'T TAKE A GENIOUS TO FIGURE OUT HOW BAD THIS IS!" Rayna had yelled
"Ray…calm down. He's doin all he can for me. We just have to take it day by day." Deacon calmly kissed her hand and tried to reassure her
His calm demeanor since becoming more and more ill was unnerving to Rayna. He somehow seemed at peace with dying. He wasn't upset or fretting about details anymore. He was just existing a day at a time. She wasn't sure if the medications were making him numb, or if he'd really just given in to accept whatever was coming…even death if that was his fate.
"Please, Dr. Rand…we have twin grandbabies due in January. Please tell me he's going to see them?" Rayna pleaded
"I wish I could, but…We're doing everything we can to find him a liver. If we do, he'll most likely see those babies graduate from high school."
"…but if you don't?" her eyes were pleading with Dr. Rand for an answer
Dr. Rand took a deep breath. He hated this part of the job. "I'm sorry, but without a transplant, considering his current state…I'd say he has 3 months at the most."
(back to CMA night 2014)
Rayna collapsed onto the couch. Deacon had been having such a good day earlier. He was excited about the CMA's and seeing Maddie and Colt possibly get their first. He'd showered, eaten a late breakfast and was working on an acceptance speech a few hours earlier when she' left for her nail appointment.
It was the first time he'd been up and felt like going out in days, maybe weeks…she found that the days ran together as they sat waiting for a call that might never come, or come too late for Deacon.
Life continued around them, but she felt like someone had pushed the "pause" button on their lives.
They couldn't really make any plans. They never knew how Deacon might feel or if he'd be well enough to go out. They couldn't be more than an hour from the hospital. If a liver suddenly became available they needed to get there quick.
Deacon's speech was scribbled on a notepad on the coffee table in front of her. He'd been so cheerful and proud of Maddie just before she'd left a few hours ago. Now, like many days before and many days to come he was exhausted and sick lying in bed. She wondered if the bacon and eggs he'd eaten for breakfast hadn't agreed with him. She'd been so happy to see him eat more than a couple bites. His color was back. He'd been so happy and alert. She was so looking forward to a night out with her husband, but this was their reality now. The unknown, the waiting…
She picked up his notepad, curious to see what the love of her life would have said tonight…
"This isn't my first CMA win, but it may be my last…
Music has always been in my blood. It's helped me through some of the best and some of the worst times in my life.
…as for worst, many of you know my story. I'm not gonna dwell on it tonight, other than to say thank you to everyone out there praying for me and my family at this difficult time.
I wouldn't be here standin on this stage tonight if it weren't for my fans, my friends, my amazing family, my band, my manager, crew…
You're all a very special part of why all of this is possible, why I'm the man, the musician, the father, the husband I am today.
Life is a lot like a song. It comes together sometimes in ways you never expected. Sometimes it's a hit, sometimes not so much…
Some are happy, some sad, but either way you hope they resonate with others.
You wrap things up with an outro and if you're lucky you get an encore.
"Breath In" is just my way of saying take life day by day, love the people in your life, don't take anything for granted and maybe you'll get that encore, and another day to "Breath In"
Thank you"
Rayna put the notebook back on the coffee table as tears threatened. She knew Deacon was losing his faith in any chance at survival. He was simply existing now, waiting, hoping, but uncertain of anything more than a day or two ahead of them. He phone vibrating on the table distracted her from her dark thoughts. It was a welcome distraction.
"Hey, mom! We're back in Nashville just in time. Can't wait to see you and dad at the CMA's" Maddie was ecstatic on the other end of the line
"I'm glad you made it back. I was worried when Bucky told me you guys had bus problems yesterday." Rayna tried to stay positive
"We weren't gonna miss tonight for anything! Bucky was gonna just fly us back if it was gonna take a while on the bus, but it was a minor repair. We were only delayed about 12 hours for parts. We're all ready and leaving for the Bridgestone now. What time are you and dad leaving?"
"uuhhmmm, sweetie, Dad isn't feeling well. He really wanted to be there, but…." Rayna's voice cracked. She was trying so hard to stay strong and not ruin Maddie's big night
"What? I just called him earlier today. He seemed fine. He was working on his speech….." Maddie's voice was full of concern
"I know, baby, but I got home after getting my nails done and he was in the bathroom sick. I think maybe he overdid it with breakfast. He ate quite a bit after not eating much for a few days." Rayna tried to make a less concerning excuse for the sudden change in plans
"He had a doctor's appointment last week, didn't he? I asked earlier and he said nothing had changed. He said he was fine. He lied, didn't he?" Maddie was pleading for information
"Sweetie, tonight's a big night for you and Colt. Why don't we table this for now. You guys should come over for lunch tomorrow. We'll talk more then, OK?"
"It's bad isn't it? Really bad? I knew I should have never gone back out on tour with him so sick. I'm canceling a few shows and staying home for a while. I wanna spend some time with him."
"Maddie, you know he's gonna hate that. He doesn't want you changing your life and schedule around him."
"I don't care! What if I never get time with him again? What if he dies while I'm out touring? I know he hates us all worrying and being so crazy, but he's running out of time. Why haven't they found him a donor? What are they doing for him? There has to be more they can do?" Maddie was getting hysterical on the other end of the line
"I dunno. It's a waiting game and time isn't on his side anymore. What you can do for him now, tonight, is go out there and win that first CMA. He's so proud of you. He'll be watching."
"I know, mom. This just SUCKS!"
"Oh and Maddie…if he wins tonight…I think he'd be very honored if you'd accept his CMA for him. Can you do that, please?" Rayna asked
"Maddie..sorry to interrupt, but the limo's here." Rayna heard Colt say in the background
"I'll be right there." Maddie quietly said dabbing her eyes trying to save her makeup
"I gotta go, Mom. Tell dad I love him very much and I'd be honored to accept his CMA award. See you both tomorrow. Love you…"
"We love you too, bye…" Rayna sighed as she hung up. She hated keeping Deacon's worsening condition from Maddie, but he insisted on it as Maddie and Colt continued their first tour.
Rayna quietly padded down the hall to check on Deacon. He was sound asleep, but she noticed his breathing seemed more labored than usual. She wondered if she was just being paranoid. She hated fretting about every little symptom or change and she knew it irritated him, but she couldn't help it.
She worried 24 hours a day. She woke several times every night to make sure he was still breathing. On the nights she managed to fall asleep, she often woke to nightmares about finding him dead the next morning. She knew he was having nightmares too, but he'd never talk about what he'd dreamt.
He often woke sweating and winded, terrified of whatever he'd dreamt. He talked in his sleep at times. Sometimes his words haunted Rayna.
"I'm not ready….NO NO NO!"
"Mama…Mama…is that you? Where am I?"
"I can't go now…STOP…NO….PLEASE?"
She put away her dress and Deacon's tux. She stood staring at the clothes for several minutes. She'd been so looking forward to tonight. She hadn't noticed he was awake and watching her as she turned to leave the bedroom.
"I'm soo sorry about tonight, Ray." He quietly said, seeing the disappointment all over her face
"It's OK. I'd rather be alone on the couch with you any night." She smiled and sat next to him on the bed
"Well, that's sweet, but we both know you're a damn liar! You love this fancy, dress up, awards crap. You've always liked puttin me in a monkey suit and paradin me down the red carpet." He smirked
"…and what's wrong with wanting to show off my handsome husband?" she playfully smacked his shoulder as he sat up in bed
"It was never me they were lookin at, baby! You know I think you're beautiful in anything, but you're absolutely glowing and gorgeous in your element at these fancy gatherings. I really wanted to see you in that dress tonight."
"There will be other…" she stopped, realizing what she was saying
"Other award shows?" he finished for her with a heavy sadness in his voice
"Yeah…" she trailed off and looked away from his sad eyes
"Even if I'm not here physically, you know I'll be there in spirit for every award show forever and always, Ray."
"Deacon…don't….I don't even wanna think….." she fell into his arms trying to be strong
"I know, baby. I know." He whispered close to her ear as he pulled her in tight against his chest
"Maddie called. She said to tell you she loves you and she'd be honored to accept your CMA tonight. The show starts in a few minutes. You want the TV on in here or you wanna come out to the living room with me?" she asked trying to lighten the mood
"I'll get up. I need to stretch and get outta this bed." He shakily stood as Rayna helped him
"Are you feeling any better? You seem shaky."
"I am a little light headed, but I do feel better than I did." He leaned on her for support as a wave of light headedness hit him
"Deacon…." She wrapped her arm around his waist as he stumbled
"I'm OK Ray…just a little blood pressure change when I got up. I'm not sure that dopamine the Dr. put me on is workin."
"I'm calling him tomorrow, Deacon. Oh, Maddie and Colt are comin for lunch tomorrow. What do you want me to order?" Rayna asked as she settled Deacon on the couch in front of the TV
"Doesn't matter to me, Ray. I don't eat enough to matter. Why don't you order from that homestyle cookin joint …some fried chicken and mashed potaoes? Maddie loves the place. She's the one eatin for 3." He tried to smile thinking of his pregnant daughter
"That's a great idea, babe. You know we need to tell Maddie about your last Dr's appointment. She's asking questions and I know you don't wanna burden her with all of this, but she worries about you, Deacon. I think she's gonna cancel some shows and spend some time with you."
"Hell, Ray…she doesn't need to do that!" he snapped
"Deacon, she loves you. She need this time with you. What if she doesn't get this chance again? She'll feel horrible if something happens to you and …"
"I know. I just hate to put all this on her. She's got a new husband, a tour, twins on the way. I hate that I'm causing so much damn stress when she should be happy."
"It is what it is, Deacon. This is our reality right now and Maddie's part of it. We need to tell her everything. She's back in Nashville and it's not gonna be as easy as lying to her on the phone, telling her you're fine when you're not, Deacon!"
"Great, fine…let's just watch the damn CMA's." he irritatedly sniped as he switched on the TV
Deacon fell back asleep on the couch with his head resting on Rayna's lap. She watched him sleep as she waited for the 3 categories that meant the most to them.
"Deacon…wake up, babe. This is it…." Rayna lightly shook Deacon's shoulder
"What…oh…" he groggily sat up and reached for his cell phone as the nominees were read. He sent a quick text to Maddie.
[You got this, baby girl! I'm so proud of you. Love you]
…as the commercial break ended, the awards came back on the screen as Deacon and Rayna watched.
…this year's CMA duo of the year goes to Maddie Claybourne and Colt Wheeler, country's newest newlyweds with "Just a kiss"
Colt led a very pregnant looking Maddie onto the stage as "Just a kiss" played in the background
They made the usual thank you's and shout outs. More Colt than Maddie. She seemed overly emotional and let Colt take the lead as Deacon and Rayna watched.
"She seems upset." Deacon commented
"Well, she's pregnant and all those hormones make you kinda crazy. She'll be OK." Rayna tried to reassure Deacon
"I dunno, Ray. She's not herself. She's really showing since we saw her in July."
"Twins means twice the weight, Deacon. It's gonna be hard on her. Mason was huge. Remember how miserable I was? She's got two of em in there."
"Yeah, Mason was a rough pregnancy. I remember. I felt so bad for you, and so helpless when you were suffering."
"We got through it together, Deacon. They will too."
Deacon drifted off again as the show went on.
"You're up, babe…" Rayna woke him with a sweet kiss on the cheek as the song of the year nominees were read
"…and your CMA song of the year winner is Deacon Claybourne with "Breath In".
Maddie waddled back onstage, alone this time. She seemed more composed as she waited for the applause to die down.
"My father couldn't be here tonight, but I'm sure he's watching. He's taught me everything I know about music and guitars. He's been a constant source of advice, love, and inspiration for me.
I don't get to see my parents as much as I'd like now that Colt and I are touring. My dad makes it a point to call me at least a few times every week just to ask how I am. Growing up he was gone a lot, but he called us every night when I was little just to ask how school went, if we were behaving, and scold us if we weren't. He still does that by the way." Maddie paused as the audience laughed
"Most of those calls growing up were from backstage right before he went on. I loved the sound of the crowds. I loved it even more when I got to be with him backstage. As I got older he often let me perform a song or two with him.
He loves music and performing. He loves his fans, his family, his band and crew. He truly appreciates how far he's come and the people responsible for making it happen….YOU!
I'm sure my speech can't hold a candle to what he might've said tonight, but I know he's proud of me no matter what. I'm proud of him too. I love you, Dad. It's an honor to accept this award on your behalf.
Thank you all from the Claybourne family. We appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers."
Deacon wiped a lone tear from his cheek as Maddie left the stage.
"You, OK?" Rayna asked wiping away a few tears of her own
"Yeah…all the mistakes and stupid things I did when I was younger, can't compare to everything I did right when it comes to the 3 kids we raised."