Late November 2014
Thanksgiving was coming. Rayna sat alone in the kitchen late one November night wondering if she should even plan anything for Thanksgiving. Deacon's health was deteriorating fast. The dialysis that was supposed to only last until his kidney function improved had become a 3, sometimes 4 times a week ritual. His kidneys hadn't improved as Dr. Rand had hoped.
The labored breathing she'd noticed back in September hadn't been her imagination. Deacon was suffering pulmonary issues resulting from the cirrhosis. He was on 24 hour oxygen now to ease the burden on his lungs.
He wouldn't touch solid food now. Rayna had to beg and plead with him to get supplemental shakes down him. He slept most of the time. The only time he left the house was for doctor's appointments and dialysis.
Gunnar was back out on tour. Scarlett often stayed with Rayna to ease some of the burden of Deacon's daily care.
Baby Clay now 8 months old was the one person who could occasionally get a smile from Deacon. The chubby cheeked little blond boy was full of life. He was laughing and babbling constantly now. His bright blue eyes and infectious laugh could light up a room.
Maddie and Colt were back in Nashville. They'd cut the "Bourne on Wheels" tour short. Maddie was miserable at 7 months pregnant with twins. She was on doctor ordered bed rest for the remainder of her pregnancy. The tour had been too much. She hated not being able to help Rayna more with Deacon, but in her condition and her emotional state, it was hard for her to be around Deacon.
Mason was still dating Sage Wheeler. He opted to avoid home more often than not. At 15, seeing his father slowly die was more than he could handle. He spent a lot of time with Sage at the Wheeler ranch. He'd been behaving himself. His grades were much better than last school year. Rayna somewhat felt relieved that it was one less person she had to worry about.
Rayna and Stephanie Wheeler had become close friends and in laws. Stephanie sort of understood what it was like to have a husband totally dependent on her. She'd helped Luke recover from his riding accident. Stephanie being in the catering business often kept the meals coming to the Claybourne residence. Rayna felt comfortable with Mason staying with the Wheelers knowing Stephanie was there and keeping close tabs on Sage and Mason.
Deacon had mostly given up on life. He was often crabby and easily angered. For the most part he wanted to be left alone. He hated being totally dependent on Rayna and Scarlett. He needed help with daily tasks now. He was too weak to be left alone. He wasn't able to stand for very long. His best moments were usually after dialysis and a nap. The toxins were at lower levels and he felt decent for a few hours then. Those were the moments Rayna lived for, when he was himself for a little while. Those moments seemed fewer and further between as life slowly escaped him.
(2 weeks earlier, Dr. Rand's office)
"I wish I had better news, but unfortunately the tumor has passed the acceptable threshold for transplant. Deacon is no longer eligible. I'm very sorry." Dr. Rand said
"So, what are you saying? There's nothing else you can do for him?" Rayna asked trying to wrap her mind around what was happening
"We'll keep up the dialysis and do everything we can to keep him comfortable, but a transplant is no longer an option, at least not from a list donor. If someone you know, friend, family, whoever, comes forward, we'd certainly move ahead with transplant, but the organ donor list has very specific criteria and Deacon no longer meets it."
"We've done everything you asked. How can they just deny him help now when he needs it most?" Rayna pleaded with the doctor
"It's not personal, Mrs. Claybourne. It's a formula and unfortunately Deacon's numbers are outside that formula now. My hands are tied."
"We've waited patiently on your damn list and now we're just off of it because of some formula?"
"Ray..Let's just go, OK?" Deacon quietly suggested
"No, Deacon! This isn't right. We've followed the rules. We've done what they asked. We've been here for every test. How can they just…." She was crying now
"We have counselors and a chaplain available if you'd like someone to speak with. We have hospice home care available when the need arises. I'm available for questions anytime." Dr. Rand tried to be helpful
"Enough, alright. We get it! You're pretty much sendin me home to die, right?" Deacon snapped at the doctor as he watched Rayna cry
"I'm sorry. I'll give you some privacy. Take as long as you need." Dr. Rand said as he left them alone in his office
(back to the present)
Rayna quietly padded down the hall to check on Deacon. She slowly opened the bedroom door careful not to make any noise. She watched as his chest fell and rose again. She said a silent thank you prayer each time she found him breathing these days. She knew their time together was running short. She quietly closed the door and went back to the kitchen.
She hadn't tried to call Beverly in over a month. They hadn't seen or heard from her since the 4th of July cabin get together. Repeated calls had gone unreturned.
"Hey, Beverly...it's Rayna. I just wanted to invite you for Thanksgiving next week. I'm sure Deacon would love to see you. He's not doing so well and this may be your last chance to see him, say your goodbyes. Sorry to leave that in a voicemail, but you never call me back. I just thought you should know he doesn't have much time left." Rayna's voice cracked as she said the words
Her hopes of saving Deacon had pretty much been quashed by Deacon's last doctor's appointment. She actually wished for the days she'd felt were so difficult before when there was at least some hope. Now the "pause" she'd felt their lives were in before was more of a "stop"
In the "pause" mode she thought they were just temporarily taking a break from life until Deacon was well again, but now she was trying to accept the fact that there would be no well again. This was a permanent "stop" they were approaching. Life as she'd known it would be over.
She struggled with denial, anger, numbness when she just couldn't think about it anymore. She'd made the doctor give her a timeframe back in September…3 months at the most he said. 2 months had passed. If that was accurate Deacon had weeks now, maybe only days.
"Mom, why don't you go to bed? It's late and you look so tired." Scarlett suggested as she sleepily shuffled into the kitchen with a fussy, teething Clay
"I can't sleep in there. I just watch helplessly as his chest rises and falls, praying he keeps breathing. The constant hiss of that oxygen machine drives me crazy."
"Try going upstairs to the guest room for a while then. You need some rest. I'll stay awake and check on him if you want." Scarlett offered
"I might try that. I am exhausted. Come get me if he needs anything." Rayna asked as she got up to leave the kitchen, making sure to grab her phone and Deacon's phone in case Beverly would call back
Rayna fell into a deep sleep alone in the upstairs guest suite. She was so exhausted her tired body finally gave in and let her have a short reprieve from the daily life she'd come to know in recent weeks.
Deacon could still get up and around if he wanted to, but he was shaky and often light headed. He had a walker for support, but someone needed to be with him for safety. He was a fall risk.
He refused food, but if Rayna begged and cried he'd relent and drink supplemental shakes a couple times per day more for her than himself.
The constant whoosh and hissing of an oxygen concentrator had replaced music in the Claybourne household. Deacon had learned to sleep through the machines noise, but it drove Rayna crazy.
Deacon's demeanor was dark. He hated being taken care of. His bad days far outnumbered his good days as time slowly dragged on. He often didn't even want to go to dialysis or doctor's appointments.
(Earlier that day he'd fought with Rayna about going to dialysis.)
She was doing her best to keep things light with him. The last thing she wanted to do was fight with him now. She feared every conversation might be the last. She took everything cheerfully in his presence and often cried alone away from him out of fear and frustration. Occasionally, when she was extremely tired, she'd crack in front of him.
She hated those weak moments. She knew he felt horrible, and often apologized profusely after and would give in to whatever she wanted him to do.
"Come on, babe. Let's get you up and ready for dialysis?" Rayna said laying his clothes on the bed and pulling back the covers
"What the hell's the point?" he sniped
"Deacon, please…you always feel better after. Come on, babe…for me?"
She could tell just by his facial expression he was in a particularly foul mood this morning. He'd been up sick several times the night before, which meant so had she to help him to and from bed. She was physically and emotionally exhausted as she pleaded with him to get up.
"I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT! LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, ALRIGHT?"
"WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO, DEACON? JUST LET YOU LAY THERE AND DIE? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?" she'd snapped back, immediately feeling guilty for yelling at him
"WHAT IF I SAID…YES, RAYNA? I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. WHAT THE HELLS THE GODDAMN POINT? I'M DYIN! I FEEL LIKE SHIT EVERY GODDMAN DAY. YOU'RE EXHAUSTED TRYIN TO TAKE CARE OF ME. I CAN'T DO ANYTHING FOR MYSELF. I'M NOTHIN BUT A BURDEN ON YOU AND THE KIDS. I JUST WANNA QUIT, OK? JUST LET ME DIE!" he snapped and unloaded on Rayna as she cried helplessly
She collapsed on a chair in the corner of the bedroom crying after his tirade. He had pulled his oxygen off as he yelled. He sat up struggling to catch his breath. His fit had taken everything he had. He felt light headed as he tried to reach the tubing to replace his oxygen mask. Rayna's face was in her hands and she couldn't see through her tears. She hadn't noticed he was struggling to breathe.
"Ray….Ray…..Help….Please…." fear gripped him as he struggled to breathe.
"Rayna…I can't…help me….." he pleaded as she finally realized he'd pulled the oxygen off and was fighting to get it back in place unsuccessfully
"Deacon…why did you….here, calm down, you're OK. Take a deep breath." She replaced the tubing under his nose and leaned him back against his pillow as he continued to struggle for air
"Calm down, Deacon. The oxygen is back on. Just breathe for me, OK?" she pleaded as he finally calmed down enough, allowing his breathing to level out.
"Better? I guess you're not as ready to go as you thought, huh? That scared you, didn't it?" she asked as she gently stroked his cheek
"I'm soo sorry, Ray. I didn't mean to….." he apologized as the guilt set in for doing that to her
"I know. It's OK. I'm glad you're not really ready to leave me. Cause, I'm not ready, Deacon. I love you, and when the time really does come, I'll be right here." She whispered with her forehead against his
"Will you help me get dressed? Guess I've got a dialysis appointment to get to." He smiled and kissed her, pulling her closer for a deeper kiss. It was the first real kiss they'd shared in weeks.
(back to Rayna alone in the guest room)
She'd been asleep maybe an hour when Deacon's cell phone rang on the bedside table. She quickly woke, hopeful that maybe Beverly was calling. They hadn't heard from Beverly in over 4 months, but Rayna still held out a glimmer of hope that maybe she'd reconsider.
Her heart sank when she saw the Bluebird's office number on the display instead.
"Why in the world would anyone from the Bluebird call at midnight." She thought as she irritatedly answered
"Rayna, hey…it's Sarah. I thought I dialed Deacon's number?" she asked confused
"You did, but he's had a rough day. I didn't want him disturbed. I have his phone. What do you need?" she asked still irritated to be woken from a deep, and much needed sleep
"Well, a few months back when you guys were here for dinner, I told you about this John guy that keeps asking about Deacon. He's here again tonight. Deacon said call him if the guy ever came back."
"Yeah, I remember, but Deacon's really not doing well. Now's not a good time for a fan or whatever this guy is. Thanks for calling. I will let Deacon know he came back in, and was asking again, but we really have much bigger problems right now."
"Yeah, I heard about Deacon. I'm soo sorry, Rayna. Is there anything we can do? You know we love Deacon down here and we'll do anything we can to help?"
"If you've got an extra liver lying around, that would be great!" Rayna sarcastically said trying to laugh, but feeling like crying again
"You know that's not such a bad idea. I'll ask around. Everyone loves Deacon in this town. I'm sure there are lots of people willing to get tested. We'll make an event out of it." Sarah said trying to lighten the mood again
"Thanks, Sarah…and hey, I'm sorry if I seem short tempered. Things have been rough. Thanks for calling about John. If you can get a number or any further information from him, I'll try to call him back sometime, OK?"
Rayna drifted back to sleep. She panicked when she woke to the sun streaming through the bedroom windows. She glanced at the bedside alarm clock 8:04am.
"Oh my god. Deacon! It's been 9 or 10 hours since I've checked on him." She thought as she raced down the stairs
He wasn't in their bed. Her heart sank. His oxygen machine was off.
"Where's D…." she was about to ask Scarlett when she found them both at the kitchen table
Deacon was cheerful and feeding Clay his morning cereal.
"I'm fine, Ray. It's OK, baby. Relax…" Deacon said seeing the alarm in her eyes
"You haven't felt like getting up and leaving the bedroom in days. I just thought…" her eyes filled with tears
"Hey…hey…C'mon. Sit down. I'm alright. I feel pretty good today. I'm really sorry about yesterday and bein so difficult lately."
"I just…I didn't mean to fall asleep for so long." She stammered
"What for 8 hours? Last I checked you are allowed to sleep, Ray. You don't have to babysit me 24 hours a day, OK?"
"I know…I just can't sleep most of the time. I worry…"
"You need to relax, Ray. This isn't good for you. You're so frazzled and stressed. Sit down. Scarlett made some amazing French toast." He smiled and motioned her to sit next to him
"You ate?" she asked surprised he'd eaten something
"Yeah, a little. I'm gettin kinda sick of those damn shakes you force feed me." He laughed
"So, you're really feeling, OK today?" she asked still surprised he was out of the bedroom, being social, and in a good mood
"I'm great, baby. You on the other hand, need to relax a little, OK? I know I've been difficult since my last appointment with Dr. Rand. Gettin kicked off the list kinda got to me a little. I'm really sorry for everything I've put you through the past couple weeks. My little outburst yesterday and not bein able to breathe kinda got to me a little. I'll try to be better and have a better attitude, OK?"
"I'm just happy you're up and feeing good."
"Why don't you call Tandy and plan a girl's day today. Scarlett's here, and Mason will be home from school later. You need a break, Ray. I know this has all been hard on you. You don't need to watch me 24 hours a day. I'll call you if anything weird happens. Where's my phone by the way? I can handle my own calls."
"It's on the night stand upstairs. I'll get it for you after breakfast. Sarah from the Bluebird called last night. She said that John guy was back asking about you again. I told her to get a number if she could and I'd call him."
"OK, but I have no idea who this is. I don't know any John's from Natchez. Probably just a crazy fan. I'm not too concerned about it."
"He's awfully persistent, Deacon. Maybe we should find out what his deal is?"
"I'll call Sarah myself if it'll make you feel better. I'm gonna go take a shower first." Deacon said getting up
"Deacon…be careful, please…" Rayna watched as he clamored down the hall with his walker and portable oxygen, but he seemed so much better today. It was hard not to jump up to help him, but she didn't want to hover.
He was a little winded as he emerged from the shower 20 minutes later, but still in good spirits.
Rayna was sitting on their bed as he got dressed. She was amazed he was doing so well after weeks of lying in bed, arguing about appointments, eating, and anything he could be difficult over.
"I am really sorry, Ray. I've put so much on you this past couple weeks. I love you, baby. You're so stressed and it's my fault. Did you call Tandy?"
"No…why don't we go out today? I wanna spend the day with my handsome husband. You're feeling good. We don't get many good days. What would you like to do?" she asked
"OK…I haven't touched the truck in weeks. How about a country drive, maybe a light lunch? I need to drive or do something that feels normal again."
"Are you sure you're OK to drive, Deacon?" Rayna asked a little worried, but happy he wanted to try going out for something other than medical reasons
"If I can't do it, or feel weird, I'll tell you and you can take over, OK?" he asked
"You wanna take a guitar and maybe do some writing?" Rayna asked hoping she wasn't pressing her luck with trying for a normal day
"We can do that." He smiled one of his heart melting smiles. She was so happy to have him back if only for a while. Other than the oxygen, and walker, it was almost as if he wasn't sick
A couple hours later Rayna was next to Deacon in the passenger seat of his truck. He stopped at a local deli drive through for sandwiches and drinks and started out towards the country.
Before she knew it he was turning on the road towards the cabin.
"You wanna go to the cabin?" she asked
"Yeah, I know you already had it winterized, but we don't need power or water today. I just wanna sit on the porch for a little while. Maybe write a song?"
They had a great few hours alone together, talking, writing, and remembering the good times they'd shared as a couple, and later a family here. Rayna would have given anything if Deacon could have made love to her one last time there, but she knew he couldn't. He was fighting it, but she could see how tired he was.
He stood staring out at the water as she locked up to leave. Neither of them had the heart to admit they'd just spent their last hours together there. He pushed his walker aside and pulled her into a tight embrace, followed by a long, bittersweet kiss. They both held back tears knowing it was most likely the last kiss they'd share on that porch.
"How bout you drive my tired ass home?" he whispered handing her his truck keys
He was sound asleep next to her before she ever made it off the access road. He'd barely stirred on the hour long ride home. She glanced over a few times. He was still the most handsome man she'd ever known, but she could see the toll the cancer was taking as the afternoon sun filled the truck cab.
She hated seeing the oxygen tubes on his face. His handsome features were fading as he lost weight. His once chiseled jaw line was just skin and bones now. His scruff was nearly all grey glistening in the sun. His thick, dark hair was greying at the temples. The once perfectly placed wrinkles on his handsome face were deeper, and just made him look much older than his 46 years.
She was thankful for a good day alone with him as she pulled into their Nashville neighborhood.
"Hey, Mrs. Claybourne….there was a guy asking for Deacon earlier today. He wouldn't give any information other than to say his first name is John. We thought it was a little odd and you needed to know. We didn't let him through the gates. Scarlett said she was alone with the baby and had no idea who he was." Mike the security team supervisor told Rayna as she stopped at the front neighborhood entrance.
"Thank you, Mike. If he comes back, please keep him here, but don't let him come to the house. I'll meet him here. He's been asking about Deacon around town for several months. We have no idea who he is, but he's obviously found our address now. It's getting a little creepy.
"What's goin on?" a sleepy Deacon asked from the passenger seat
"We'll keep a close watch and send security by the house a little more often for a while. Let us know if you need anything." Mike reassured Rayna as he opened the main neighborhood gate for her
"That John guy was here today, Deacon. I'm starting to get a little creeped out. He knows where we live."
"It's alright, Ray. We have security 24/7. We've never had a problem here. It'll be fine sweetie." He squeezed her hand and drifted off sleepily again, unconcerned about the unknown stranger.