So I appreciate the fact that after posting that last chapter I'm still alive. Sorry for the weird, evil cliffie, but I hope this chapter makes up for it. It's a pretty big chapter. Actually, the next three EPOV chapters are. Just um, FYI and all ;)

Thanks to everyone for the reviews and adds this week, as always. I hate that I didn't get to reply to any, but life is nuts with the holidays coming up and a whole slew of other personal shit.

Thanks to Stratan for being my super dude, and to stephk0525 and claireoth for taking time out of their lives to preread and tell me that I'm being my usual overly obsessive moronic self or when something plain sucks.

Chapter 16

Edward

I blinked.

Repeatedly.

Because surely Bella Swan wasn't standing next to Rose's fucking M3 arguing with her. She was just some strange illusion, that desire I had to go back to the days before I learned the truth causing me to see things that weren't actually happening. Like, daydreaming or some shit; although, I could never remember myself daydreaming about anything, unless it had to do with food. I sure as fuck wished for that a lot as a kid.

So I blinked again just to be certain.

Mother. Fucker.

I tore off across the field in their direction, ignoring Jasper's shouts against it. I shrugged Emmett off as I made my way past third base and threw open the chain link gate, my mind void of anything except getting Bella out of my sight.

"Take her the fuck home, Rosalie," I demanded. "Now!"

I could have sworn I heard Bella suck in a startled breath, but by the time I forced myself to look at her, she'd steadied herself, glaring over at Rose.

And was tapping her foot against the pavement.

It was cute, but I'd be damned if I ever admitted it.

"I told you to stay away from my family, damn it," I shouted at her. "And for good fucking reason! You... You-"

I was suddenly so blind with rage I couldn't think... speak. Before I knew what I'd done I had Bella pinned against the side of the BMW, our breathing ragged with... Fuck, I didn't know what Bella was feeling. She shook against me and stared off in the distance, like she was ashamed to look me in the eye, and it crossed my fucking mind that I was glad for her guilt, glad that everything she said really was true. And touching her... Having her pressed against me... God, touching her was...

No.

"They wanted me here," she said on a sob. Something in my chest hurt with hearing it. "I told them-"

I pounded my fist against the door, directly next to her hip, making her flinch. I was too keyed up to feel any potential damage to my hand, but it wasn't as if I really cared. "I don't give a fuck what they wanted. You knew what I wanted. Yet here I am... looking at you anyway."

And she looked so-

Emmett's hands were suddenly wrapped around my biceps, and I was ripped away from Bella on a curse.

"Touch her and so help me, I'll have you in the hospital faster than you can blink," he snarled in my ear.

"What kind of piece of shit do you take me for?" I growled back, too furious to feel any kind of panic from his hold on me. "You think I'd really hit her?"

"I don't know what you'd do," he replied, pissing me off even more.

"Fuck you," I spat. I struggled against his hold, only to have him grip me tighter.

"Calm down, dude. You're scaring her."

I stopped thrashing around long enough to glance back at Bella, who was wrapped safely in Jasper's arms. I wasn't sure whether to be grateful for Jasper's protectiveness of her or jealous that he was holding her and I was...

I shook my head against that.

I stood there and tried to calm down. Jesus, my heart was pounding against my ribs, I was sweating like hell, and I could barely breathe now that I was still. But more than that, I ached. Every last part of me ached because of this girl. It was practically unbearable.

The worst part of it was that I was pretty fucking sure the terrified expression on Bella's face was going to stay with me forever. I was my own worst enemy at that very moment, giving into everything I despised in myself, my past...

"I'm fine," I told him, trying to extricate myself out of his arms once again. Shockingly enough, he let me.

Which led to my immediate pacing because there was no way I was going to be able to stand still without doing something incredibly stupid again.

"This is what I warned you about," I said lowly, unable to meet Bella's stare. "I told you I was-"

"You're mad at me," she interrupted harshly. "Deservedly so."

"Yeah, but what I did... Pushing you like that... Fuck, Bella, it's unforgivable."

"You didn't push me, Edward."

Maybe. I couldn't really remember. It made no difference, though. "I did exactly-"

"Don't you dare say this has anything to do with your genetics or past or any of that other shit," she snapped out at me. I ground my teeth together because she'd read me flawlessly again. "It doesn't make you who you are. You decide that for yourself. You control yourself. And you weren't going to hurt me. I know it. I know you, whether you want me to or not."

Now I couldn't help but stare over at her, because she was fucking infuriating. I wanted to hate her, forget her, but hearing those words made me want to figure out a way to get past this instead. Be with her.

I swallowed hard and truly studied her. She was the same girl as before, the same one who understood me... loved me. Her gypsy eyes were beseeching. Her long, dark hair ruffled in the breeze, and I wanted to touch it, inhale its coconut scent while tasting her again. She looked so fucking frail, though, and it killed me to see her like that.

So I reminded myself that she deserved it. She deserved the pain she felt by keeping something so important buried inside her for so long, for - however hypocritical it was - deceiving me. She deserved to feel like I did.

Like utter shit.

Her chest heaved with a breath, and my eyes fell downward... zeroing in on the pale line of her scar exposed to us all.

I recoiled instantly.

A moan came out of me as I backed further away from her, and my hands trembled at my side. I stared off toward the road, loathing myself for what I was thinking. I wanted to rip that heart out and burn it. Watch it turn black like mine. Torture it, like our mother had done mine.

And for a fleeting moment, I wished Bella had never gotten that heart.

But then she wouldn't be standing here in front of me, and if I knew anything at all, it was that a world without Bella Swan in it was... absolutely useless, regardless of how much I wanted to take my anger out on the muscle pulsing in her chest, getting revenge in the only way I knew how.

Through destruction.

"You two should talk," Jasper said quietly.

"No." My voice rang out clear, bringing Jasper up short. "I'm not talking to Bella about it. I'm not talking to anyone about it. It is what it is. Let it fucking die like she did."

Bella made a choking sound beside us.

"You're not even going to let her explain?" he asked incredulously. "You should at least read-"

"I said no," I returned sharply.

"Why?"

"Because I can't." I shoved my hands through my hair. "I just... can't."

I took a peek at the girl, wishing as soon as I registered the tears streaking down her cheeks that I hadn't. I let out a grunt against the surge of emotion that came with the sound of Bella's cries, and then forced myself to walk away toward my car. I never cast another glance in her direction, because what would be the point? I'd just proven to myself exactly how I would react each and every time I saw her incision. The resentment was too deeply rooted in me to ever get past it, despite how much I missed Bella's warmth, laughter... light.

Maybe that was for the best. Our pairing had been doomed from the start. She'd come to know me because of some kind of fucked up paranormal... It was so far-fetched, my brain rejected it. And I was just as equally fucked up, too scarred from my past to be with her like I should.

As soon as I got into my Volvo, I rushed to leave it all behind. Escape was the only thing I could think of at that moment, and I found myself driving to the hospital, where I knew Carlisle would still be, going through this week's patient charts to make sure all the appropriate information was noted correctly.

I didn't expect to see him hunched over, tablet in hand, trying to figure out whatever program he'd called up.

"Are you just going to stand there or are you going to help me?" he asked, never once looking up.

"Stand here," I shot back, earning a humored twist of lips.

"What can I do for you?" he asked. And then he shook his head, almost as if he already knew. "Sit down. You can help me figure out where this patient's information went."

I obeyed and sat in one of the chairs on the opposite side of his desk. "Where it went?"

"Patient chart conversion. We've been forced to join the twenty-first century," he sighed.

I watched him throw the tablet down in annoyance and wanted to laugh. "It can't be that bad. The patients enter their information into an online spreadsheet and you download it into their files."

"Except the program has one fatal flaw."

I waited for him to continue.

"It doesn't fucking work." His blue eyes darted to mine. "Don't you dare tell your mother I said that."

"Wouldn't dream of it."

He nodded.

"Get IT on it."

"Yeah. They're 'on it', all right. As soon as they can get to it. Which will be next month, more than likely." He dragged his hand through his hair and gave me a weary smile. "So how's Bella? I'm assuming you're here because you just saw her."

I tensed. He really did know what was bothering me. "She looks like hell."

"Do I need to make a phone call to the chief's to request an examination?"

I shook my head once, not really wanting to talk much more about the situation. I lived it every day; thought about it constantly...

"I think I'll call anyway," he said, jotting it down on his calendar. "Stress isn't good for her..."

Heart, I finished silently. The dull ache in my hand was the only thing stopping me from punching at the desk with inescapability of the situation.

"Can I shadow you again?" I blurted out. "Just till the end of summer."

He sat back, a look of surprise on his face. "I don't have anything else I could teach you, Edward. Not without a hand's on approach, which is what you're going to med school for."

"I won't really have my hands on anything until my internship," I returned. If I could manage it by then.

Shit, I needed to figure out how to manage it by then.

He studied me closely. "I don't know what your reasons are, but you're not using me to gain access to Bella's records."

"I don't want her fucking records," I bit out. "I- Emmett's... Fuck, he doesn't want me in the garage, and after today, he probably doesn't want to see me at all. I need something to do with my time so I don't... I just-"

He held up a hand, abruptly stopping me. "Then you can come during normal office hours, starting Monday."

"I have therapy on Mondays."

"Then Tuesday."

I exhaled in relief. "Okay."

"How's that going, anyway?"

"Hard," I said with a shrug.

"But you're..."

"Christ, Dad," I snapped, "can you stop with the prying now?"

"You came to me," he reminded me. "Not the other way around."

"I know." Fucking hell, did I know. And I was beginning to regret it.

A few beats of time slipped by before Carlisle spoke again. "Well, let's get the appropriate paperwork signed so you can show me what I'm doing wrong, huh?"

I nodded slowly. "Thanks."

He waved me off. "Don't thank me, Edward. You haven't seen this disaster of a program yet."

I helped Carlisle most of the evening, even though I couldn't really concentrate. My brothers were likely treating the team to dinner, regardless of whether they won or lost the game; Bella would be included in the group. They were watching her smile, hearing her laugh... They'd been the ones to guide her during her first night as an official Cullen Garage softball team member.

And as much as I'd originally wanted to, I couldn't stand to be there to watch any of it.

I didn't say much to Esme when I got home, but really, I hadn't said much to anyone since the last time I'd gone to the falls, using this as an excuse to shut down again. It was the easy way out. And while I was a little ashamed to admit that was what I was doing, I hadn't tried to stop myself.

I ate the sandwich she'd passed to me when I walked through the door, and then headed upstairs to my bedroom. I took a shower. Decided to watch some TV. Except when I finally tuned into a show that would normally capture my interest, the only thing I could fucking focus on was Bella's journal, her words. My mind kept picturing the pages inside and what secrets they held-

"Well, you look peaceful," Jasper said wryly from the door.

I hadn't even realized that I'd left it open. "The fucker's taunting me," I fumed.

"So open it."

I shook my head.

"What are you so afraid of?"

"I'm not afraid, asshole," I nearly yelled back. "I'm furious that she... she... played me."

He threw me a penetrating look. "If you really believe that then you don't deserve her."

"I didn't deserve her anyway," I retorted.

"I thought you did. Now I'm not so sure."

"Why do you all have such a vested interest in the two of us being together?" I asked, glowering over at him. And then my expression changed, because the bastard was wearing a short sleeved shirt.

I'd never seen him without being completely covered up.

"What the- What the fuck, Jazz?" I sputtered.

"It's hot in here," he replied nonchalantly.

I couldn't even begin to tell you what my fucking face looked like. Or how Jasper managed not to laugh at me.

"Evolution's a funny thing, isn't it?" he murmured, coming further into the room. "We adapt to survive. For the most part, it works. But every once in a while... that adaptation is what will kill us in the end."

I narrowed my eyes suspiciously. "What's with the prophecy-Buddhist shit?"

"You tried with her," he answered. "She was the only one you couldn't shut your feelings off for."

Yeah. "So?"

"You believe in that paranormal shit?" he asked suddenly, his gray eyes boring into mine.

"Not at all."

"Say you did," he suggested. "You ever think that maybe it's... You ever think that maybe Bella was led to you? That you're supposed to be with her?"

I didn't know how to answer him.

"Because I do. I think that at some point in your lives, your paths would have crossed anyway. This Maggie factor just sped it up a little or made it possible to begin with. Or maybe it's forcing you into it by making you deal with all your hang-ups. I don't know yet. The third option makes a lot of sense if you think about your reaction," he mused. "It's definitely a characteristic Edward Cullen reaction."

"That's bullshit. None of us knows that."

"Just think about it a little before you completely disregard it," he chuckled, moving to leave my room. "You know, if you'd stop being such a selfish, narrow-minded prick, you might see things differently."

"Fuck you."

"You've said that a lot today."

I glared over at him.

"Well, you have," he laughed. "Just pointing out the facts."

He shut the door before I could say anything more, leaving me trapped with the thoughts his words had provoked. Maybe he was on to something. But with everything racing through my mind, all the possibility and fucking hope again, there was one problem.

I still didn't know how to get past the fact that my sister's heart beat in Bella Swan's chest.

I hadn't said a word since I stepped foot into Dr. Banner's office. This session, though - unlike my first with him - wasn't because I was fucking agitated and resentful over being in therapy. It was because of Bella. Because I hadn't said anything about her or my past since finding out about Maggie, focusing only on surface bullshit to pass the hours required here.

And the most fucked up part? Dr. Banner had just let me.

Until today.

"Edward, I can sit here for months letting you rack up bill after bill for no progress at all. But I think we both know that's not what you want."

Fuck. "No."

"So why don't you tell me what's really going on? Why you brought that with you," he said, pointing over to the place Bella's journal sat on his desk.

I swallowed hard.

"The girl..."

"Bella."

"Yeah, she uh... You know how I mentioned that she didn't really get out much?"

"Uh-huh. Health problems, right?"

"Uh... yeah, it's complicated. I-" I dragged my hands through my hair nervously. "She had a heart transplant."

I stopped, waiting for him to speak.

He didn't.

I huffed a little in frustration. "She told me the heart was from my sister."

Oh, the pen moved furiously with that one.

"Why don't you just get a fucking tape recorder?" I asked angrily. "Do you know how irritating it is to listen to that shit every time I talk?"

"Did you know that every time I write something down it helps me to remember it? I record all my patients' sessions, too, if you've forgotten; it was in the paperwork you signed when I took you on as a patient."

"Oh," I said lamely.

"It's fine for reference, but writing notes during sessions helps imprint what was said to memory. So when I need a quick recall of something important we discussed..." He tapped his temple, prompting me to roll my eyes. "I don't have to dig through audio to find it. I just think back to what was said."

"Fuck, fine. Whatever."

"You were saying something about a sister?" he murmured.

"Yeah. Apparently, I had a sister at some point in my life. Who fucking knew?"

"You don't remember her?"

"Nope. Maybe I blocked it out or some shit." I jerked a shoulder up. "I don't really care."

"If you don't care then why did you bring that journal in?"

"Because it's Bella's."

More scribbling.

"And she wants me to read it."

"Why's that?"

"She... Fuck, she said she loved me. I guess she wants me to understand her more. Why she sought me out."

"She knew you were the donor's brother?"

I nodded once. "Her dad's a cop. Connect the dots."

"I see. Well, that could certainly bring up some trust issues-"

"That's just it," I said, interrupting whatever bullshit diagnosis he was about to give me. "I know she didn't intentionally lie to me. It's not... That shit's just not Bella's thing. What I can't get past is the fact that somewhere out there, this sister of mine existed and had an amazing life while I..." I choked on my words and stared down at the floor.

"You care about her. Bella," he guessed.

"I still fucking miss her," I returned. The admission was more for myself than Dr. Banner, and it made my stomach roll. Being alone was what I'd wanted for so long, and now... Damn it, now I couldn't stop thinking about one specific girl and how she made me feel when she was by my side. I couldn't get this ache to fade away, no matter how much time went by.

Dr. Banner should have just had me committed. It'd solve all our problems.

"Okay, I'm going to ask you this once: you honestly don't care about how you and your sister were separated or how she died or why you don't remember anything about her at all? You don't want to know what she looked like, what her favorite foods were... Nothing?"

I thought hard about that before answering. The truth was that I didn't know anymore. At first, I honestly assumed that while I was curious about her, I didn't really give a fuck what kind of person she was. Now that time had worn on, I was realizing that wasn't exactly the case. I may hate this... this dead girl for having everything I didn't. But I wanted to know her, as pissed off and resentful about everything I still was.

I thought that maybe, if I deserved only one thing, it was an explanation.

"I don't want to care," I finally said lowly.

Because somewhere deep inside me, I knew I did.

Where the fuck did that come from?

"Well," he said with a smile, "that changes a few things doesn't it?"

Unfortunately.

"And Bella?"

I gazed at him warily. "What about her?"

"You wouldn't possibly be using this as an excuse to keep her at a distance, would you? It seems to me the only issue you have is the direct impact your life had on you, not the sister herself, because let's face it, Edward... How could she have ever known what was going on in Chicago since she was completely removed from the situation? Don't you think your resentment is a bit misplaced?"

I didn't move, waiting for him to continue.

"And you've openly admitted that you know Bella didn't purposely lie to you, and that you miss her. So what's holding you back from trying to work through it all with her? She could be extremely helpful in finding out the whys of the situation."

Well, fuck me. The insightful bastard had me pegged.

"Pride," I admitted. "Stubborn, foolish fucking pride."

"Now that..." His grin widened. "That's what you would claim as normal."

xx

Days dragged on. I'd stayed away from Bella the entire time, not because I couldn't exactly stomach being around her anymore. I thought I could, though, I knew it would be hard to do so when and if I did. Especially if her scar was plainly visible like the last time I'd seen her. It was because I needed to figure out what I wanted before speaking to her again.

If there was anything to say at all.

During my time off from the hospital, I'd started working heavily with Dr. Banner in an effort to sort through it all, certain bits - the less damaging part, anyway - of my past included. Each week, he had a list of things he wanted me to try, Bella's journal always being one of them. I listened to every suggestion - Jesus fuck, did I listen - because I wanted to be so much more than I was now. It was odd how I was beginning to feel that way. I was so fucking stubborn when it came to what I thought my value was. But things... things were starting to become clearer. Thanks to Bella Swan coming into my life, I was beginning to see I could be more. I could be who I wanted, if I'd just learn to let some shit go.

As fucking frightening as it was to admit, I had a feeling that Maggie was the key.

I'd worked on the lists as often as possible, with the exception of that one part. I couldn't force myself to open anything Bella had given me. I'd touch the journal, and then move away and occupy my time with something mundane, unimportant. I'd flip through the pages, letting them fall from my fingers too quick to really catch anything more than her perfect handwriting and a handful of drawings.

It turned out that Bella was fairly talented with a pencil.

And so I missed her more, because I couldn't call her up and talk to her about it, turn up at her door and request that she sketch something for me. I couldn't ask her if it ran in the family or if it was something she'd picked up while sitting in a hospital room, if she was simply as good as she was because of all the time she'd spent practicing.

Well, that wasn't true. It wasn't as if I was physically unable to find out that information. I just couldn't bring myself to do it yet.

But I was working on it.

xx

"You've still not looked at that journal?"

I glanced up from my book to see Rosalie smirking over at me.

"How would you know that?" I asked in return.

"Because I'm pretty sure if you had, you wouldn't be moping right now. You'd be with Bella."

"I'm not moping," I argued.

But fuck, the argument was weak, because I was, in fact, moping. I'd been moping since the day Bella told me about Maggie.

"Yeah, okay." She crossed the distance between us and flopped down on the couch. I went rigid waiting for some kind of contact as she settled beside me.

"Relax, would you? I'm not going to touch you. I know you can't stand it."

My jaw slackened. "What?"

"You think you're so slick," she laughed, "but you're not. We all know half of what you do and say is crap. Especially lately."

"Lately?"

"Over things involving Bella. You want her. You might even want to learn a little about Maggie. But you won't do it, because you're an idiot."

"You don't know what the fuck you're talking about," I seethed, slamming my book shut.

"See, that's the thing... I do." She grabbed my arm, causing panic to build inside me. A slow, satisfied smile crossed her face with the way my breathing came just a little sharper, how I worked to hide it from her.

"I know exactly how that feels, Edward." She let my arm go before continuing. "How you cringe when someone's hand accidentally grazes over yours, how you flinch when a body bumps into yours in a crowded room. Our situations may not be identical, but the root of the problem is still there. I know what it feels like to be touched by a man you can't-"

I jumped off the couch, furious. "No one's ever fucking done anything I didn't want them to."

"Bullshit." Her violet eyes blazed with determination. "You might have let them, but you didn't want it. Not once."

I squeezed my eyes closed, trying to push away every image her words conjured up. But I couldn't. I could see their hands, their unknowing smiles... feel myself falling deeper into a world I'd tried to escape from with each time, becoming like him... hardened, black, soulless...

"That's where you're wrong, Rose. I did want it."

I raced toward my room, trying to stop the revolt of my stomach. Rosalie was hot on my heels, not even giving me enough breadth to close the door all the way before she was rushing into the bathroom after me.

I stood there, struggling for air while Rosalie waited for me to say something. This was never how I'd pictured the way I'd finally talk about it, but in reality, whatever was? Besides, it was better to tell Rosalie than to let Bella know.

Bella could never know what I'd done to survive.

"Sex was everywhere when I was kid. I can remember hearing Elizabeth and whatever random fucker she'd brought home in her bed at night. And when I was at... When I was..." I took a deep breath and fought against the fresh wave on nausea that hit me. "It was in the halls, on the kitchen counter, in the bathrooms... I was so fucking skinny and weak and scared that they'd finally make good on their threats and force me to..."

I didn't bother looking at Rosalie. No need to see the fucking horrified expression on her face.

"But after a while, it changed. Hormones and shit, you know? I started watching and responding to it. I wanted to know what it felt like, and I was only twelve. That's when I knew I had to get out because I thought I was... I was turning into them."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I told you I wanted it."

"I'm calling bullshit again, Edward."

"But it's not," I replied. "Fuck... I... I ran off and had to hide because I knew so many of their secrets. At first I got sick a lot, starved. Then I had an idea. Girls crawled all over me when I let them; I mean, I didn't exactly look thirteen. So I went with it. I needed a shower? I fucked a girl in hers. I needed something to eat? I fucked another girl and raided her fridge afterwards. I needed a place to get away from a Chicago winter? Same thing, different girl. And I... I enjoyed it, Rosalie. Every single time."

"There's nothing wrong with enjoying sex, Edward."

"But to be so... I don't know. To be so opportunistic about it all?" I had to turn away from Rosalie again. "Not one of those girls knew how young I was. They didn't know a thing about me, where I lived... or didn't live, as it turned out. They all thought that the... football captain or whatever bullshit story I fed them was real, and they'd found some kind of Prince fucking Charming."

"How old were they?"

"Sixteen, seventeen, usually. They'd sneak me into Daddy's house and we'd... I can't even remember half of their names." I cleared my throat. There. The piece of shit I was, was finally out in the open. "Bella can never know."

"You're not like any of those people, Edward. You might have died if you hadn't-"

"Please, Rose," I begged. "She can't know."

"She won't look at you any differently."

"Whose fucking side are you on, anyway?" I growled.

"Yours. But come on. As angry as I am at Bella for keeping the Maggie issue from you, we both know how amazing she is. I'm kind of jealous of her, if I'm being honest."

I didn't say anything back; I was just as jealous of Bella as she was. Bella's innate ability to take everything in stride...

"She won't look at you any differently," she repeated.

"And just how would you know?"

"Because I do."

"Nice," I said snidely. "Real nice. I tell you all that shit and you give me 'because I do'."

She groaned. "You should talk to your brother about it, okay?"

I nodded once, letting it drop. I of all people knew how it felt to be pushed into talking about something you weren't necessarily ready for.

I'd done it for years with the previous therapists I'd had.

And it hadn't made any difference in my life at all.

"I know you want to read it," she said, referring to that damn journal again. "What I can't understand is why you won't."

"Because..." Fuck, was I going to finally say this? That I thought that maybe I could actually love someone? "Because I... I have a feeling that I'm not going to be able to learn about Maggie without loving her. And what fucking good is it to love someone who no longer exists?"

Rosalie took a step toward me, trying hard not to smile at my little admission. "But you can love the person she gave you. You can love Bella."