Holy shit, the response to last chapter was overwhelming. So... Thank you for all of it; thank you to my spectacular corrector of grammar, Strat, and thank you to stephk0525 and claireoth for being such awesome prereaders.

Chapter 17

Bella

"May I help you?"

"Um..." I glanced around the seating area before turning back to the receptionist to answer her. "Is Dr. Cullen in?"

She pursed her lips and gave me a funny look. "You have an appointment, sweetie?"

I shook my head. "But-"

"Then he can't see you," she said, glancing back down at the stack of paperwork on her desk, like that was the end of the conversation.

"I think if you just-"

"You'll need to make an appointment," she interrupted, smiling sweetly up at me. "I can do that now if you'd like."

If she wasn't being so damned nice about everything, I might have bit her head off for interrupting me. Twice.

"What's your name again?"

"Bella-"

"Swan," Carlisle's familiar voice came from behind me. "She's my favorite patient, Anna. Stop giving her such grief."

My lips twitched with a smile at Anna's giggly schoolgirl reaction. "Funny, Dr. Cullen."

"I thought so, Isabella."

Shit. I forgot about the name thing.

"Is everything okay?" he asked, and I was forced to look at the man. The moment my eyes met his, my chest started to ache with the knowledge that he saw Edward every single day, while I...

"Bella?"

"Oh, um, do you have a minute?" I asked, feeling a flush creep into my cheeks.

Carlisle caught it, and his brows knit worriedly. "Sure. Charlie feeling all right?"

"Um-hmm," I answered with a falsely bright smile.

"Ah... Okay, Anna, I'll just be a few minutes," he said lowly. "Bella, follow me to my office?"

I nodded my head and walked behind Carlisle through a maze of hallways, knowing I was going to have to have him show me the way back out when I left.

On different meds.

The heat in my face grew stronger.

"Sit," he said, closing the door behind me, "and tell me what's going on before I have my own heart problems."

I laughed a little with his joke. "It's nothing serious," I began. "It's just that... Do you remember when I first came here and you said that if anything in my personal life changed to let you know?"

I watched him turn over my words, his bright blue eyes flashing in remembrance after a few moments. "Bella, are you...?" He trailed off and ran his hands through his hair. "Are you seeing someone?"

"Oh-"

"It's completely understandable if you are. Edward's not exactly been the easiest person to like, but he's trying. He's in therapy, and he-"

"He's still going?" I breathed.

Carlisle smiled. "Yes, you didn't know? He goes every Monday. In fact, if you'd had waited until tomorrow, you two might have run into each other and ended this... madness."

"He would have been here," I said in shock.

"He's been helping me out around the office recently."

My stomach dropped. I missed the chance to see him, if only just with a passing in the hallways. And oh, how I'd wanted to catch a glimpse of him, no matter how masochistic and stupid it was.

"I haven't seen anyone outside of softball games in a while," I finally answered, somehow reining in the need to cry. "And I tend to use that time to just have fun with everyone. Laugh a little, watch some of them get drunk-"

"Mainly Emmett," he chuckled, coming to sit on the edge of the desk.

"Yeah. So we don't really talk about it much. It's... I don't want to make it awkward for anyone... How are his sessions going?"

"He's improving some," he said proudly. "He doesn't see it, but I do."

"Good," I said, glancing down at my wringing hands. God, I really did want to cry. I was missing it all. "I'm really glad."

"So you're dating?" he prompted.

Deep breath. "No. And before you give me that 'it's okay if you are' crap again, I just want to point out that it's not. I probably won't date for a long time." If ever.

He looked like he was bursting at the seams with what he was thinking. "So why the change in meds?"

"Just in case. I'm going to college in a couple weeks and I'd just feel better if we changed them before I made that transition in case something goes wrong. Because I'll do what I promised my mom and get a specialist, but I'd rather come back here for my checkups. If that's okay?"

"Of course it's okay," he replied. "I can always give the cardiologist in Seattle you choose a report. That's no problem."

"So if you continue to be my doctor in Forks, and I'm living in Seattle... it would be highly inconvenient to come here for an appointment if and when sex comes to the table."

"Not to mention suck the spontaneity right out of it."

"Exactly."

"I know it's not my place to say anything, but..." He trailed off and gazed over at the wall. "This is a big decision. One I'm not so sure you're completely decided on."

I stifled a nervous giggle and nearly rolled my eyes at myself. I was no better than the receptionist out there. "I'm not sure, Carlisle. But now that I know I'm not defective, the possibility is um, there to um..." I was so flustered I couldn't finish that sentence.

"I'm sorry, did you just say you thought you were defective?"

"Um... yeah?"

"Bella, that's absurd."

"Well, no one ever showed interest in me before my diagnosis, and then after, I'd never had a chance to... Until Edward, anyway."

"Jesus," he mumbled, his hand going through his hair again.

"And speaking of Edward, there might be a part of me that still hopes he'll come around. It's stupid, I know, but I can't help myself. I think about him all the time, and I..." I stopped the confession, completely embarrassed. "Never mind. He's your son. I don't know why I'm telling you this."

"I'm glad you are," he said kindly, causing my eyes to widen in surprise. "I think he's being an ass about the whole thing. Like you have anything to do with his... issues."

My mouth opened a few times before I managed to squeak out, "You know of his issues?"

"Not really. I can only assume you know more about them than I do, and I'm all right with that. Edward's never talked to us about his past; why start now?"

"Oh."

"Let me run over your most recent labs and go through your chart so I can see what might be the best fit for you. I'll give you a call say... tomorrow to discuss it further?"

"I'm scheduled to work tomorrow. Can you maybe call me there?"

"Sure. Newton's, right?"

Don't remind me. "Yeah."

"You don't seem all that thrilled about it."

I shrugged. "It's not Emmett's... and Mike... Well, he kind of gets on my nerves. He's like a lost puppy sometimes."

"He likes you."

"I kind of figured," I muttered, making Carlisle laugh. "I don't know how to tell him the feeling's not mutual without actually coming out and saying it. He doesn't seem to get my hints."

"Bella, I'm going to let you in on a little secret."

"What's that?"

"You're a pretty girl. You might as well get used to the attention, because I don't think it's likely to go away."

I blinked. "Thanks."

He nodded and moved to walk me back out. I followed him, somehow managing to stay quiet, even though my mind was racing with questions I wanted to ask him. I'd never really thought I was all that great to look at, but Carlisle's casual comment made it seem otherwise. Edward had always made it seem otherwise, too. So maybe I was blind because it was such a familiar sight. Too hard on myself? Simply inexperienced?

I wasn't really sure.

When we were through the maze of hallways and back out at the reception desk, Carlisle finally spoke again, making me start a little since I was so wrapped up in my thoughts.

"Don't give up on Edward yet."

I cleared my throat and looked away; I felt ridiculous for admitting that I was hung up on a man who wouldn't give me the time of day. "I won't."

"Good." He let out a sigh of relief. "Esme would not be happy if I'd come home and said the opposite."

I laughed softly, hiding how sad it made me to know that everyone wanted us to be together.

Everyone but Edward, that is.

"I'll talk to you tomorrow," he said, grinning back at me.

"Thanks."

I left Carlisle's office and started out to the spot I'd parked my truck in, only to stop when I caught sight of Jacob strolling over toward me.

Just like the few times I'd seen him since coming to Forks, he managed to make me forget how miserable I was.

"Jake! Hi! I haven't seen you in a few days," I said cheerfully.

"Yeah, Dad's been kind of sick. We're seeing his doctor now."

My face fell, and I searched the parking lot for Billy. No sign of him. "He's okay?"

"Just a stomach bug," he responded dismissively. "What are you doing here?"

"Meeting with Carlisle about rejection meds."

"Sounds fun."

"Oh, it's just another day in the life of a transplant patient," I teased, earning a smile in reply. "Hey, listen. I only have another couple of weeks before I head up to Seattle. Maybe we could hang out before I go?"

Please say yes, I begged silently to myself. He had no idea how much I needed a night of nothing but laughter.

His face tightened as he thought about it. "I don't know. Dad's..."

I took to begging out loud, "Come on. With everything going on, I haven't gotten to hang out with you once this summer."

"Ah... Okay. How about we go surfing?"

"Surfing?"

"At First Beach. I can probably have one of the elders come sit with Dad while we go."

"I've never been surfing," I admitted, unable to keep from grinning with excitement.

He smirked. "Not surprising."

I smacked him lightly on the arm. "So guess who gets to teach me, smart ass?"

A deep chuckle rumbled in his chest. "Can't wait. Want to try for Saturday?"

"Saturday sounds perfect."

"It's a date."

"Uh..."

"Joke, Bella. Chill," he said, rolling his eyes. "I know you carry a torch for Cullen."

"Oh. Sorry. Dr. Cullen just said something earlier that has me..." I didn't know how to describe what I was feeling other than unsure of myself, in a completely different way than ever before. "It made me stop and think, I guess."

He smiled warmly. "No problem. I get it. You're new to this whole life thing."

"Sort of, yeah."

Jacob had five minutes to spare, so we quickly planned the day, both of us agreeing that it would be best to check the water conditions Saturday morning before I made any attempt at surfing. We both knew how much time I'd invested into not dying to carelessly ride a wave that was entirely too strong for my first time out.

I might have been stupid when it came to certain men, but I definitely wasn't when it came to my life.

Not now.

I stopped by Thriftway to grab a few groceries for Charlie before heading home. As I drove up the street, a flash of yellow caught my eye up on the right; then again as I got a little closer to the house.

"No way," I said in awe, a smile creeping onto my face.

The grin widened as I pulled into Charlie's driveway, directly behind my best friend's prized canary yellow Porsche. I had just managed to park the truck before I hopped out of the cab, groceries long forgotten, and raced into the house.

"Alice Brandon, what are you doing here?" I shouted, my eyes darting throughout the house.

A chair scraped the floor of the kitchen, and I was rushing to greet her. I wrapped my arms around her slender body and held on tight, unsure if I wanted to laugh or cry with her presence.

Tears won.

Everything seemed to culminate with her embrace, and I couldn't fight them off. I hadn't truly cried over Edward since seeing him for the first time after I'd told him about Maggie, and I was realizing just how much of the ache I hadn't allowed myself to feel yet.

She squirmed her way out of my grasp, her hazel eyes gazing at me questioningly as I sobbed in front of her.

And then she was hugging me again. "I'm so sorry I haven't been here," she murmured.

I shook my head and stepped away from her. "Don't be. I was the one who screwed it all up..."

"But..." She caught my expression and changed the subject. "So it looks like I need a place to stay until we start school. Know of anything?"

"We can get you one of those blow up mattresses from Newton's and you can sleep on my floor," I said in a hurry.

She laughed at my sudden enthusiasm.

"Oh, my God, you cut your hair!" I touched one of the short pieces that framed her face. She looked amazing. "I love it. It's really cute."

She reached up and started fidgeting with it self-consciously. "You're sure? I kind of let the girl do whatever she wanted, but I don't know if I like it yet. It's just... different."

"It's a good different," I assured her. "I promise."

She lit up with the compliment. "Show me your room? Charlie let me in, and then disappeared upstairs for a nap. I didn't want to just roam around your house by myself or I'd have already seen it."

"Okay."

"Then show me where you've been living all summer. I want to see everything before it starts pissing and pouring all over me again."

I moved further away from her, finally catching her outfit, and burst into a fit of giggles. She was perfectly put together, as always - that wasn't what I was laughing so hard about. What looked like brand new, bubblegum pink stilettos were caked with mud, covering the heels and parts of her feet.

She brushed imaginary lint off her thighs. "What? Skinny jeans are still in."

I shook my head and tried to speak. "Your shoes." More laughter, followed by wheezing. "What were you thinking wearing those up here?"

Her glossy lips made a pout. "I bought a pair of Hunters. I just didn't think I needed them when it wasn't actually raining."

"I don't know what those are."

"Rain boots, Bella. Jesus, did I teach you nothing?"

"Guess not." I flashed her a playful grin. "You should stick to flats."

She gave me a sour look.

"It's not like you're hiding how short you really are when you wear four inch heels," I joked. "And flats are in too..."

She flipped me off. "Show me around, bitch, before I go back home."

"Wow, you're bossy now." A glare. I had to stifle another grin. "Anyway, my room's upstairs. You can see it when we get back."

"Back?"

"We're going to Newton's, and then heading up to Olympia to get you some bedding and whatever else you might need. I don't have anything like that here."

"Shopping?" she squealed. "You're taking me shopping?"

I smiled. "Yep. Just remember that we're not in Phoenix anymore."

"Yes, Dorothy," she answered primly.

I snorted with laughter. It was so good to have her here.

"Bella, you're supposed to ride the waves, not sleep on them," Alice taunted from beside me.

"Shh," I whispered, not bothering to open my eyes. My board swayed with the current, and the sun warmed my face. "It's sunny today. I'm going to lie here on my board and soak it in. You can go ride the waves if you want. Jacob will watch and make sure you don't kill yourself."

Water splashed over my face, making me sputter and grin like a loon. "I'm not you," she shot back.

"You're not a west coast girl, either," I retorted.

A huff. "So what's the story with Jacob?"

"Not sure. I've known him since I was a kid, but I don't actually know him. Does that make sense?"

"Yes. But you must know something about him..."

I peeked over at her. She was staring back toward the shore where Jacob was talking with a friend of his. Quil, if I remembered right. "You interested in him?"

"Well, I am a nineteen year old girl who's transferred schools for her best friend. I don't know anyone else but you and the hot Indian dude up here."

"So make friends."

"I don't want friends," she snarked. "Unless they're of the male variety."

"Have you always been so boy crazy?" I asked, trying to remember what it was like before I got sick. I couldn't come up with anything this... extreme.

"Unlike you, Nun Swan, I have a healthy libido."

I laughed some more. "Stop making fun of me and go talk to him. You are the one with the insane sex drive, apparently."

She shrugged. "There's no point. We leave in two weeks."

"Then stop your whining!"

"Fine. But only if you tell me something about him."

I pursed my lips and thought about it. "His dad's in a wheelchair."

"And?"

She wanted more? Jeez... "And he thinks it means he's stuck here after he graduates."

"You mean to tell me he's all muscle and no brain?" She shook her head. "Damn. I was hoping he was an exception."

"No, I mean to tell you that his family doesn't have much money and his sisters took off with scholarships the second they could. He has a duty to his father, and as it seems, not much hope on the scholarship end. So maybe he is all muscle and no brain."

I frowned because that statement didn't ring true. Judging from what I'd seen, Jacob was far from stupid.

Alice read the look on my face. "Maybe he hasn't tried."

"Maybe," I agreed. "But that still doesn't solve who would take care of his father if he left."

"You should help him."

"What would I do?" I laughed. "You're the money bags in this situation."

"Edward has money."

"Edward's also not currently speaking to me."

"He's a dumbass." She shielded her eyes from the sun so she could see Jacob better. "Such a waste."

I sighed, "Yeah." Then I was struck with a sudden idea. "Hey, stop worrying with Jacob. He's not your type."

"Oh?"

"No. I know who is, though."

Her eyebrow shot up. "And he would be...?"

"Jasper."

"Wait, the brother you talk about all the time?"

"Yep. The one and only. You already know he goes to UW. He's charming, good looking, funny as hell-"

"Bella, I can't date Edward's brother," she interrupted.

"Why not? He's perfect."

"And what would it do to you?" she asked. "Let's say that it works out. I date the guy for more than a nanosecond. How would you feel knowing we were in his apartment - it is an apartment, right? - with his brother?"

"I... I..."

"Could you, maybe, one day see him with someone else at a party we all attended?" she continued. "Because I don't think you could. Not anytime soon, anyway."

I rubbed at my chest with the thought of Edward being with someone else. "Point taken," I whispered.

"That being said, I don't think that'll be the case. But we have to prepare for every scenario."

"What?"

"I think you two will end up together. I just don't know when yet."

I reached over and patted her arm. "You're full of shit, but I love you for that anyway."

"I'm serious. If what you've told me is even remotely true, your Edward isn't spending all his time hating you right now."

"Um... Alice, what else would he be doing?"

She smiled. "No idea. But trust me, hating you is probably the last thing that guy can do."

After a while, Jacob came out to join us, insisting that I at least learn enough to stand on the board for a few seconds without toppling over.

Which I quickly found out was easier said than done.

I fell every time, banging numerous body parts on the surfboard as I tumbled toward the water. But when I resurfaced I was giggling, sometimes so hard that I had to hang onto the board so that I didn't drown. I couldn't remember the last time I'd had so much fun being clumsy. Maybe I never had.

"Bella, I think you should take a break," Jacob said, eyeing the place my scar sat beneath the wetsuit.

My hand involuntarily snuck up to cover it up. It had taken every ounce of courage I could muster this morning to put on a bikini and board shorts then strip my shirt off and replace it with a wetsuit when we got to the beach. I didn't need anyone, even Jacob, staring at it to remind me of how I looked without any clothes on.

I did enough of that on my own.

"No, no. I'm good," I replied, pulling in a lung full of air.

He didn't move.

"I swear. I'm okay. A little out of breath from laughing so much, but I'm okay."

"He's right, Bella," Alice chimed in worriedly. "You should take a few minutes before trying it again."

"You guys, stop. This doesn't feel any different from all the times I've spent in the gym."

"I don't know..." Alice trailed off and bit her lip. "I'd feel better if you sat still for a while. I don't see you when you work out."

I rolled my eyes and hopped back up on the board. "Fine. I'm sitting. Happy?"

"Yes," they answered in unison.

It turned out that I wasn't much of a surfer, and by mid-afternoon, I was exhausted and starved. We threw on our clothes back on and headed to Forks to grab a bite to eat. I slid out of my truck, laughing at the way Alice and Jacob kept pestering each other the entire walk to the restaurant, not really noticing who was around.

Until it was too late.

I froze mid-step, causing Alice to slam into my back.

"Ow, Bella. What the hell?" she griped, rubbing the spot on her shoulder where we collided.

"Hi," I breathed, ignoring her completely.

Edward took in my face and tensed, reaching into his pockets for the cigarettes that were no longer there before realizing his mistake and grabbing at his hair instead.

His eyes darted between us, and then he muttered, "I'll go back-"

"No," I objected. "Don't."

He didn't say anything. But he didn't walk away, either.

"This is Alice," I said, trying somehow to fill the void on his end. "I told you about her. I don't know if you remember..."

He nodded. "I remember."

"That's um..." I coughed awkwardly. "This is Edward," I said to Alice.

She pinched the back of my arm in response, nudging me forward a little. "He's cute," she giggled in my ear.

I elbowed her back, hoping she'd get my hint of 'shut up' before Edward caught on. Though, she was right. He did look cute. Beautiful, even.

A car drove by. I watched it pass, unable to think of anything worth saying without begging and pleading for him to give me a second chance. But that wasn't happening. I may not have had a lot, but I still had some amount of dignity. Besides, I wanted him to choose to be with me. Not be with me because I wasn't giving him any other option.

"You look like you've been having fun," he finally said, casting a glare over at Jacob.

Jacob rolled his eyes and separated himself from us. Was Edward... jealous? Of Jake?

"Surfing. Yeah. I suck."

His lips twitched.

"So maybe it's not all that fun. I have bruises everywhere, and I guarantee that I won't be able to walk down the steps in the morning," I rambled, clamping my mouth shut before I could say anything more.

"No?" he questioned, his green gaze boring into mine.

"No," I croaked, trying hard not to close the distance between us and touch him, kiss him... something. "I... It would have been better if... What I mean is that..." I stopped and took a breath. "I miss you."

His eyes widened dramatically and he took a step back. "Yeah."

Hope swelled up inside me. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. I... Fuck, I don't feel like I should after everything..." He saw the look on my face and continued. "I still have your journal. I should probably give it back, but-"

Deflated. Defeated. Hurt. "Keep it," I managed, feeling a tear streak down my cheek. "What use do I have with it now?"

I hurried to wipe it away and started to move past him.

"Don't cry," he pleaded, tentatively reaching out to me. His hand brushed over my arm, and my entire body lit up, the skin beneath his fingertips tingling. I'd forgotten how every part of me quickened, how good it felt to be under his spell. How warm and understanding he was under his hard exterior, what it was like when his temper wasn't flaring out of control.

This was the man I loved.

"Please. Shit, I can't stand it when you cry."

"How come?" I wondered aloud.

He hesitated. "I don't know."

I needed more of the connection, more of him. I twisted so that I could rest my forehead on his chest, trying to simply breathe normally. But with each intake of air, the urge to cry grew stronger. Alice was right. There was no way I'd ever be able to see him with another girl. I could barely stand to see him alone. I'd rather die than see him with anyone but me.

"Hey," he whispered, bringing my wet, stringy hair back off of my shoulders. Of course I would run into him when I looked like hell. "Come on. Stop."

The movement elicited a sob from me, and his arms were abruptly wrapped around my waist, pulling me tight against him.

"I can't."

"Bella, please," he murmured. "I don't- I feel so helpless when you do this."

"I wish... I wish you'd read..."

"Jesus, this is so fucked up," he said bitterly. "I tried, but I can't even... I'm just not ready."

More hope with his words. "But maybe one day you'll be ready?"

"I... Maybe."

Maybe was good enough for me.

"Carlisle told me you were still in therapy. Do you know how proud I am of you for that?"

He groaned; his fingers dug into my hips. "God... Why the fuck do you love me, Bella?"

"Because I just do," I cried.

"But why? I'm no good for you. I'm no good for anyone."

"Why does there have to be a reason?"

He didn't answer, and before I had a chance to say more, he'd extricated himself out of my grasp and distanced himself from me. I felt so... empty again.

His face was expressionless. I couldn't read him. "My lunch break is almost over, and Carlisle's..."

"Oh. Okay."

He finally gave Alice attention, giving her a quick once over before speaking to her. "It was nice meeting you. I'm sorry I... Fucking hell, I mean- Never mind."

She eyed him speculatively for a moment. "Sure. You too, I guess."

"I've gotta go."

I couldn't talk, so I simply nodded and watched him walk over to his car. The second his Volvo was out of sight, Alice had her arm around my waist.

"Told you so," she whispered smugly.

"That means nothing," I argued, wiping at my face and trying to compose myself before we went inside the building.

"She's right, Bella," Jacob interjected. "He's a mess."

"He's always a mess."

He gave me a pointed look, and my stomach fluttered with nerves. "No, Bella, that's not it. It's more than that now. He's a mess because of you."