Thanks for all the reviews and adds this last week. I didn't get a chance to reply to everyone yet, but I'm still working on it. Things are, as per their usual, hectic.

Thanks to the amazing Stratan for beta'ing, and to stephk0525, twilover76, and claireoth for the prereading.

Chapter 22

Edward

I opened my eyes and blinked a few times, staring up at the ceiling of Bella's bedroom in confusion. It was light outside now; the sun peeked in through the curtains and splashed shadows along the walls. Bella was curled up firmly against me, her head resting on my chest, hand splayed out over my heart.

Holy fucking shit.

I'd actually done it this time.

I'd fallen asleep.

A smile broke out over my face as I rolled over, snatching Bella up and holding her against me. She moaned a little in protest, her brows knitting as I distributed my weight over her. Fuck, I felt like such a girl, but I needed her to know about it.

Immediately.

"What are you doing?" she asked groggily, squinting as I came into focus.

I smiled wider.

She giggled and reached up to trail her fingers over my jaw, cradling my body with hers. Everything fucking tingled when she touched me, and I knew right at that moment how much I enjoyed lying here with her like this.

Like a couple.

I never thought I'd be one for snuggling since I couldn't stand people getting within a ten foot radius of me until now, but with Bella... everything felt off if I didn't get the chance to touch her. All of that clichéd crap people proclaimed when they were in love made sense now. Life was useless without the one thing that made your heart thunder in your chest, made you smile so hard you thought your face would split in two. Worthless without the one person who was so in tune with you, they could anticipate your needs, understand you without a single word being said.

I got it. Every last sappy bit of it.

I wondered how the hell I managed to think I didn't want it all this time. And how much longer I would need to take that final step so that I could be with her in every way without anxiety mucking it up. No matter how much I wanted to take this mushy fucking moment and use it to my advantage, I knew it would just leave us both aching and pissed off for the rest of the day. There was no way I could touch Bella in all the ways my devious mind was conjuring up right now. She needed time to heal, and I... I needed a few days to get my shit together again. I wanted it all to be... exactly like my fantasies. With nothing - not fear, guilt, nor anything else from my past - hindering it. I had a feeling that if I acted on half of what was circling through my brain, I'd only end up going backward instead of forward. I needed to pace myself, no matter how much my dick objected.

But damn, I needed her. So much, it almost made me want to take Dr. Banner up on his suggestion to fill a prescription for some random anxiety pill he thought would help. Then again, the use of any kind of medication felt like a crutch. Like I wasn't actually getting to the root of the problem, just using it as a Band-Aid so that Bella could have the relationship I thought she deserved. And that defeated the purpose of all the work I'd been pouring into myself lately.

I was stubborn as hell, yes. But it'd been working for me so far.

And I wasn't about to rock the boat so that it tipped right the fuck over and I drowned.

"I slept," I told her, holding back that stupid fucking grin while I waited for her to process that.

Her eyes danced over my face for confirmation, and then a smile burst across her face too, just like it had mine when I'd first realized it.

"Seriously? Edward, I... You didn't wake up at all?"

"Not until just now. I don't expect it to last, but to know it's possible... Goddamn it, baby, I..."

Since I couldn't fuck her into oblivion in thanks, I suddenly thought of something else. I shot up out of the bed and started across the room, intent on grabbing her journal and all the shit that she'd given me with it. Because now - with all this possibility staring me in the face again - seemed like a good time to discuss the future.

I turned around to see her sitting up, her hair wild on top of her head. There was black smudged underneath her eyes, and she had an angry, red spot on her cheek from where she'd lied on my chest for so long. But she was just as beautiful to me like that as she was dressed up with her hair smoothed out and her make up done to perfection.

I was in so fucking deep with her. And this time, the knowledge of it didn't scare the ever-loving piss out of me.

"I thought you might want this back."

Her mouth made that little round 'o' of surprise, and my dick sprang to life once more.

I ignored it.

"And that maybe we could have that talk now," I said, chewing on the inside of my mouth nervously.

"Will I like this talk?"

I shrugged, but my voice belied my nonchalance and came out harder than I'd intended. "It's not going to go like the last 'talk' we had. I meant what I said, Bella."

"I know," she said quietly. Her eyes darted down to the purple comforter, abashed with my words.

"Fuck," I muttered. I was still such a dumbass sometimes.

I went to sit beside her, handing her the journal but keeping the file on Maggie and the scrapbook Bella had made on my lap.

"You need to take this. There's so much of..." I searched for a way to phrase what I was thinking. "Your entire fucking essence is on these pages. Everything that makes you who you are has been written somewhere in here. And it feels wrong for me to keep it since there's still some room left to add more to it. I don't know if you want to or anything, but the option's there."

She shook her head vehemently. "Not in here, no. We're starting over, right?"

I blinked. "Yes?"

"Then I think I should start a new journal too. The things that I went through in there... Everything I thought about... None of it applies now. I don't want all that sadness and confusion I was going through weighing down all the good that came out of it. And besides... It sounds strange, but I think so much of that was written for you to see. Not for my benefit."

I kept quiet for a moment. And then, "Can I keep the rest?"

"You want to...?" Her eyes moved around the room before coming to rest on mine again. "But you said you weren't ready to figure it all out."

"I'm not. I've not really let myself look at this shit yet. I've searched through it for some of the bigger pieces of information, but I never could just... let go."

"Why?"

"I'm... I'm fucking scared," I admitted.

She didn't say anything, and for that I was grateful. Because it gave me some time to regroup before telling her what I'd only ever told Rosalie.

"I think this thing with Maggie and my biological parents is going to unlock a whole lot of unwanted shit for me. I think it's going to be hard as fuck, and I think it's going to, eventually, pay off. I don't know how I know, but-"

"I get it," she said softly. "I really do."

Of course she did. No one else could ever understand what I was feeling like Bella. Not simply because she always fucking understood me; she'd followed her instincts to Forks and found me. She'd experienced this... pull, this terrifying drive to search for something unknown.

And even with all the shit I put her through, I knew she thought the payout was worth it. I was worth it, though I still didn't quite see how anyone could be as forgiving as she.

"This girl..." I continued. "She's fucking family. Not the piece of shit trash family I had back in Chicago, but like my family in Forks. She's going to work her way into my heart, and there's not going to be a damn thing I can do about it. I'm going to hate every second of it because I'll never fucking know her like I should. I'll never get to do any of the shit with her that I've taken advantage of with my own family."

She sniffled, catching me by surprise. "You care about her, don't you? Already?"

I swallowed hard as her eyes brimmed with tears. Time to man the fuck up and stop avoiding it all. "Yeah. And Bella, I've been waiting for you to... to help me with some of it, because I don't think I can do it on my own."

"You have something in mind," she deduced.

Deep breaths. I could have sworn my heart was going to vault right out of my chest. Because how the fuck could I consider something like this when I'd buried everything that happened to me there so deeply that I was still struggling with it all these years later?

"I'm going back to Chicago."

Big, brown eyes stared back at me in shock. But her answer was something I'd never expected. "No. No fucking way."

"Excuse me?"

"There's no way I'm letting you go back there. Not when you..." Her chin trembled. "No, Edward. There's nothing back in Chicago for you."

"Elizabeth's there."

She gasped. "You want to... Are you nuts?"

"Maybe," I said dryly. "But I don't know of any other way to get all of the answers. Elizabeth's the quickest fucking route."

"Let Charlie dig around for you," she pleaded. "I was going to have him find out why Maggie was adopted so much earlier than you anyway, but I never got the chance."

"You were?"

She nodded. "I wanted to give you all the information I could when... Please. Don't put yourself through all of this."

I scooped her up and sat her in my lap, brushing her hair over her shoulders. It was funny how I was the strong one in this relationship all of a sudden. And while I was scared out of my mind - scared of what seeing Elizabeth would do to me, scared of the answers, scared of Aro and losing all this progress I had made so far - I knew that I was supposed to do this. That I needed to make peace with all those demons that had come out to torture me when I first met Bella.

"Baby," I groaned, leaning down to press a kiss to her lips. "I'm not going now. Okay? So stop fucking freaking out on me. That's my role in this relationship. Not yours."

She laughed a little with that and buried her face into my neck. "God, I don't want you to do this."

"I know."

"But I'll go with you. Whenever you're ready, I'll go, because I told you I'd do whatever you needed of me, and I meant it."

Panic.

I held it off, stiffening just slightly with the thought of Bella in that place, of Aro getting a hold of her and-

I hadn't meant for her to come. She didn't belong there. She wasn't safe there - no one was. But as I thought about it more, I knew I couldn't go back without her by my side. She was... This girl was my fucking rock. She knew exactly what I needed when I needed it, and I had a feeling I'd lose the parts of myself recently found if I attempted this without her.

So I reminded myself that my fears were unfounded. The operation had likely changed in the last ten years, making all the information I had useless.

Not to mention the most important factor of them all.

Edward Masen no longer existed.

Click.

Click.

Bella let out a frustrated sigh.

Click.

Another.

"Fucking Christ, Bella," I laughed, "I'm trying to study for a histology exam over here. Would you shut up already?"

The guilty expression she had nearly killed me. "Sorry. The jobs around here suck, though."

"You're looking for a job?"

"Yeah. My last paycheck from Newton's was a month ago. I have some money now, but I have to make it last. A job's my only option."

She had to be the most responsible fucking nineteen-year-old I'd ever met.

And then what she said sank in.

"You worked at Newton's?" I snapped. "What the fuck, Bella? Why?"

"Because I couldn't work for Emmett anymore," she said, her cheeks heating with the comment.

Now I felt guilty. Because I was the reason she had to work with that little prick and his family.

"You don't need another job," I told her.

"I need an income, Edward."

"No, you don't."

Jasper murmured something unintelligible. Probably along the lines of "shut the hell up already" but I was too busy sticking my foot in my mouth to listen.

"Edward Cullen, so help me if you're thinking what I think you're thinking..." Bella trailed off with a menacing glare.

Fuck, it was hot.

Too bad we were in the library or else I'd-

Actually, that idea wasn't so bad, given Bella's reaction to fucking her on the piano the other day.

So, of course, I started thinking of the logistics before I could stop myself. I mean, the idea of Bella up against the wall, my body covering hers while I drove into her, knowing someone could walk up at any given moment while I watched her try to keep her moans under control...

I caught Jasper's smug smirk, and I nearly flipped the fucker off.

But at least he'd gotten me back on track.

"I'm not," I finally answered.

She shot me a disbelieving look, and I huffed.

"Okay, fine," I relented, "I was, but it wasn't meant like you're taking it. I have money. You're with me now. And your fucking class load is nuts. You don't need to stress yourself out any more... It's not good on your heart."

I was reaching with that last line. She was healthier than half these freshman girls running around here since she took such good care of herself.

Well, with the exception of those few first weeks after she'd told me about Maggie. Which made me feel like shit.

Fuck.

"Yeah, that's never going to happen."

"Bella..." I groaned. "I just want you to be okay."

She glanced over at me, her eyes softening slightly. "I am okay. Just not with you paying for everything."

Goddamn it.

I slammed my book shut and grabbed her laptop out of her hands before she could even think about protesting.

"What are you doing?"

"Helping you job hunt."

"Really?"

Apparently.

"Why?"

Jesus, did she really have no idea that I'd do anything to make her happy?

"Will it make you feel better if you have a job?" I returned.

She gave me a funny look. "Well... yeah."

"Then there's your answer."

She shifted in the chair next to me so that she was leaning over the armrest and up against me while I checked various websites for her.

Eventually finding nothing other than some kind of shitty drive-thru position at Burger King, I veered to the university's website. Bella sat up a little, curiosity getting the best of her.

A few clicks later, and I was on the School of Social Work's website.

"What if you worked on campus?" I asked her.

"How did you...?" Her eyes darted between me and the computer screen.

"I might've pulled some strings and gotten your schedule," I said flippantly. "Creepy fuck that I am."

She laughed, and a smile tugged at my own lips.

"I was trying to avoid you until I was ready..." I cleared my throat awkwardly because if I hadn't been pushed by Garrett's presence in Bella's life, I may never have admitted to being ready. I knew it. She knew it. Jasper knew it... I had a lot to thank that asshole for.

Not that I'd ever verbally admit it or anything.

"Anyway, why hide your major from me? I've spent every day studying with you this week, and you've not mentioned it once."

"I didn't know how you'd react. It's something you've been directly exposed to, and after everything you said about going back to Chicago, I didn't want to... God, I don't know what I was thinking, to be honest. You're not the same guy you were before."

"I'm sorry for... Fuck, I was such dick about... everything. But I... Do you realize how much more this makes me love you?"

Wide, hopeful eyes stared back at me. "Really?"

"Yes," I replied emphatically. "The second I saw it, I knew why you'd chosen it. And that there was still hope for us. So I worked even harder to get my shit together, because you give without any fucking ulterior motive at all, Bella, and I want you to give everything you are to me, not because I'm this fucked up guy you happen to be in love with, but because I can give you something back."

"Nice speech," Jasper murmured, his eyes never moving from his laptop.

This time, I did flip him off. I worked damn hard making it so I could talk about what I was thinking without shutting down or stuttering like some moron.

So he could kiss my ass.

"I want to... I don't know. I'm not stupid. I know I'm not going to be able to save every kid from going through what you did. But if I can keep just one from it, that'll be enough for me."

And I knew she would. She'd changed me, and I was a well-established, self-absorbed and self-loathing prick; she could mold some unsuspecting kid into any kind of decent human being that she wanted.

And somehow, I was the one who'd gotten her.

Bella filled out an online application, and then we all packed our shit up and left for class. We made it no more than five steps out the building when we were spotted by Alice... and Garrett.

"Son of a bitch," Jasper muttered, looking like he was ready to run.

"Be nice," Bella hissed.

His eyes snapped to hers, full of shock. "You're kidding me with this shit, B."

"Nope. Sorry, Jas. I'm not."

He dragged his hand through his hair angrily.

"Just give her a chance. She feels awful about the way things happened."

"As she should," he retorted.

She looked to me for help, but I just held my hands up and took a step back. No fucking way did I have anything worth interjecting into this conversation. I was just starting to get my own shit straightened out.

"Look, you are going to have to be a little bit more forgiving, buddy."

"What?" he asked incredulously. "Me, forgiving? What about her?"

"I already talked to her."

His gray eyes glimmered curiously. Oh, he was fucked and didn't even know it. "You did?"

"I know you come with a lot of... baggage, but Alice didn't. She doesn't see you like you see yourself. She wanted to jump you because she thought you were hot. She likes you, you dumbass, and just wanted to be with you."

He said something that was too low for me to catch.

Bella heard it, though. "You're scared of being rejected for what you look like under your clothes. But you did the exact same thing to her out of self-preservation and were a total ass about it. It's no wonder she lashed out at you."

A few beats of silence passed as he thought that over.

Then he blanched.

"Ah, hell," he groaned.

"'Ah, hell' is right," Bella shot back.

"She should have just told me she liked me instead of making me feel like I was some quick fuck."

"Would you have listened?"

He kicked at something on the ground, and I had to bite back a laugh. It was karma. Motherfucking karma. He'd spent months doing the exact same thing to me that Bella was to him now.

And look where it'd gotten him. Wrapped up with some tiny girl who had enough attitude to pull Jasper out of his shell a little.

"No."

"So go fix it, Jasper. She's my best friend, which means you two are going to be spending a lot of time together from now on. What you two do with that time is your own business; just make it so it's not awkward when we do group things, okay?"

His eyes darted over to Alice again, who had yet to make it over to where we stood. It was strangely cute watching the apparent loudmouth act bashful. Because I had a feeling Alice Brandon had no problems getting a guy into bed with her.

Yet there she was. Stalling.

"Jasper, I don't have a way with words like you do, but stop being the dumbass Bella just said you were and go fucking talk to her. She makes you... I don't know what the hell it is. But I've never seen you yell at anyone the way you did the other night."

Bella exchanged a glance with me, and I arched my brow at the scheming look in her eyes.

"You know what; he's right. So you should explore the um... ," she faltered for a second before recovering, "the passion there. It could lead to some pretty hot sex. Alice is very bendy after all."

"What?"

"Mm-hmm," she answered. She bit down on her bottom lip to keep from giggling at Jasper's awestruck expression. "She got into yoga a couple years ago. Bendy, bendy, bendy..."

I simply stood motionless and waited for him to stop picturing a naked Alice contorted into thousands of different positions.

After a while, I cleared my throat to keep things from getting weird.

"Fine," he snarled. "I hate you two."

I snorted. The seed had been planted; there was no way he hated us. "Right."

He turned on his heel, grumbling the entire way, and walked over to Alice. The second he was out of earshot, I grabbed Bella and dragged her into my arms.

"How many goddamned psych classes are you in? That was fucking genius."

"Just the one," she said on a grin. Her hands came up and rested on my chest. "But it doesn't hurt to know that boys always think about sex and use it to my advantage. Then there's the fact that I want them to be together. I want them to be happy. I think they would be if they'd stop being such idiots."

"Well," I murmured, pulling her even tighter against me so I could run my hands over her ass, bring her hips to mine so she would know exactly how much I liked it, "feel free to use sex to your advantage with me any fucking time."

"You uh..." Her eyes took on a glazed quality, and yeah, my ego swelled a little with it. "You liked that?"

"It was hot as fuck, baby," I replied. "You being able to bend him to your will like that? So-"

A throat cleared behind Bella. I held her firmly against me and flicked my eyes to Garrett once - a warning, if you will - before regretfully letting her go.

"Hi, Garrett," she said awkwardly. "You remember Edward?"

"Garrett," I said tightly.

"Edward," he grunted.

Bella rolled her eyes.

As much as I wanted to stake my claim on her in front of the fucker, I didn't. I backed away with a sigh, knowing after that little scene with Jasper she was perfectly capable of holding her own.

Plus, I trusted Bella. Completely. She was the only person outside my family I'd ever felt I could.

"I have class. I'll see you later," I said lowly.

She grabbed my arm to keep me from walking away. She shot a glance over to where Alice and Jasper were in some sort of heated exchange. Apparently, whatever it was going on with them wasn't going to be fixed overnight.

"I wasn't too hard on him, was I?"

"Nah. Jazz isn't like me. He can take it."

She looked relieved. Then shy. "Okay. I'll see you tonight. I love you."

I smirked and didn't bother trying to see the look on Garrett's face. The poor bastard never stood a chance. "Love you," I repeated.

I might've had a fucking skip in my step as I walked across campus after that.

"Bella," Dr. Banner greeted pleasantly. "It's so good to finally meet you. I've heard quite a bit about you in the last few months."

Bella slid a look over at me, pretending to be completely in the dark. "Is that so?"

"Bella, stop fucking with the man," I snapped, immediately regretting how harsh that had come out. I was just wound so fucking tight today. I didn't know what we'd discuss... what Bella's reactions would be to anything mentioned in these sessions. This was... Fuck, I'd never expected to have anyone else here, and was quickly realizing that I'd considered this place a safe haven. As much as I trusted Bella, her mere presence threatened it.

"Hey," she whispered, seeing my angered reaction for what it was. Fear. "I'm not going anywhere. Remember that, okay?"

I nodded once. It was all I could.

"Sit. Please. I think the sooner we do this the better," he said, giving me a meaningful glance.

I got his meaning all right. Rip me to shreds before I could come up with a plan of defense.

I could hardly wait.

We obeyed and sat, Dr. Banner across from us, smiling some at how close I made sure Bella was next to me. Just because I was freaking out a little about her being here didn't mean I wanted to distance her completely.

If there was anything I'd learned, it was that I was good at these kind of mixed reactions. Might as well fucking run with it rather than fight it. It'd make this easier on all of us.

Dr. Banner asked Bella every question he could think of; of her time in the hospital, the time she spent searching for Maggie. Most of it I knew already from either reading her journal or from letting my walls down and talking with her more about... life, recently. But certain things still surprised me. Like the fact that Maggie had been searching for me just before her death and was only unable to get my identity because of all the work Carlisle and Esme had put into sealing my records.

All while Bella spoke to Dr. Banner, I couldn't get that out of my head. Maggie had fucking wanted - tried - to find me. The only reason I hadn't known about her until Bella's arrival in Forks was because some asshole drunk driver had swerved into Maggie's lane and caused her car to flip late one evening.

And didn't that lead to the million dollar fucking question? How different would things be had that man not chosen to visit a bar after work that day? Hadn't left at that precise moment and swerved on that specific spot in the road? Maggie might have found me. Bella may not have lived to see today.

I wouldn't be the same person sitting here. In love. Striving to get well. Be something other than broken.

It was wholly too big for me to grasp right then.

If ever.

So I started paying attention to the conversation again in an effort to forget the way it made me feel.

Only to realize that listening to Bella wasn't much better.

"I wish I didn't have all of this doubt," she said quietly. "I see how much he's changed. And how hard he's trying."

"But?" Dr. Banner prompted.

"But..." She trailed over, her eyes darting over to me before focusing on her hands again.

My stomach dropped.

"I keep waiting for him to leave again. For him to decide that it's too much for him to handle or that he doesn't want to... try anymore?"

I tensed beside her, barely able to breathe. "Bella..." My voice cracked. "How could you ever...? Did I do something to make you think that?"

"No, not at all," she admitted. "Now that your here with me, I... I keep thinking that I'll do or say something wrong and you'll disappear again. That's my biggest fear, you know. To not have you in my life."

"You'll never not have me in your life again," I responded, shifting so I was facing her. "I know I fucked up. Repeatedly. And you have every right not to believe me. But I swear to you... God, baby, I can't be without you. I don't want to."

Dr. Banner pushed me to go further. "Why?"

"She makes me feel fucking incredible. She gives me strength with her unwavering belief in me. She's... Fuck, Bella, you were made for me. In every goddamned way."

A tear streaked down her cheek. "You really think that?"

"Who else would have the patience to deal with my shit?"

She laughed once. "The old you wouldn't have said that."

"The old me wouldn't have even admitted it to myself, much less be able to say it."

"Fair point," she conceded. "We're starting over. We're... relearning each other. I'm just going to have to keep that in mind."

"Listen to me." I dragged my hands through my hair. "I haven't told you everything I've talked about in these sessions, so you couldn't possibly know this. And maybe it will ease your fears; I don't fucking know. But-"

"You're rambling," she giggled.

I was. Funny since all my life I'd kept things bottled up and this would be the response I had to nervousness when she was near.

I exhaled sharply in frustration. "This thing with Maggie... I don't directly link you to it anymore. I mean, you are in a way, because without the circumstances of her death and your disease, I wouldn't have met you. But as for everything with my past? You aren't the reason I was so angry. And I'm just sorry it took me so long to realize it and that I hurt you before I did."

"Is he serious?" she mumbled, giving Dr. Banner a wary look. "He really doesn't blame me for anything?"

"No. I don't think he ever did."

She wasn't convinced.

"It was something we worked on a lot over the summer," he continued. "Misplaced anger and resentment."

"It was easier for me to blame you and push you away than deal with my past and the effects it's had on me."

"Wow," she breathed, seemingly flabbergasted. "You're just so..."

Then she smiled at me. Warmly.

"Be nice," I grumbled, trying not to show how that smile made my heart jolt.

"I am. Believe me. I am."

The look in her eyes told me exactly how happy she was with this new version of myself. And while I wasn't naive and knew it would take a long time - years, maybe - to erase all the damage my life in Chicago had done to me, that smile made me strive to be even better.

Because if I could see it every single day for the rest of my life, it'd be worth it. Every moment of frustration and strife during these sessions, all the money and time and effort sunk into it, would be worth it.

Although, I had a feeling I'd end up regretting that particular sentiment at some point in the future.

But I didn't really care.