Thank you everyone for the reviews and adds this week, even though I didn't get half of them until today with FFn's fuckery. How many weeks in a row is this now? O.o

Thanks to Stratan for the beta work, and to stephk0525, twilover76, and claireoth for prereading. You guys are the Edward to my Bella :)

Chapter 28

Edward

I checked the fender of Bella's truck one last time before calling it a night and heading over to the sink to wash up. After scrubbing myself nearly raw, I gave up on ever getting my hands and arms completely clean again and decided to get some air. My head was killing me after spending so much time locked away with the fumes. But it was worth it to see Bella's eyes light up when that one section looked new again.

So fucking worth it.

I stared at the sky - cloudy, as usual - and had no idea what to do with myself out here. I wasn't outside for a smoke break. I wasn't pissed off and pacing about something. I was calm, happy.

And completely at a loss.

"Bella's back," Emmett said as he came outside. "She's doing that girl talk shit with Rose."

I nodded.

I could hear his huff of frustration behind me. "Seriously, dude, I was just fucking around earlier."

"I'm not pissed."

He stopped beside me. "Oh." Pause. "Really?"

One side of my lips came up as I glanced over at him. "Really."

"Damn, I love that girl. If I wasn't already married, I might steal her."

"Fortunate for me," I said wryly.

"I could steal her, you know. Don't think I couldn't."

I snorted. "Sure, Em."

The conversation came to a halt, unable to be picked back up as awkwardness saturated the air around us. I stared off in the distance, not entirely sure what had happened. Things were never awkward with Emmett, and it left me unsettled for some reason. Nervous from not knowing what was weighing on his mind.

"I kind of expected a call or something," he said, his voice low.

"From me?"

"Yeah, you know, about Rosie."

"I figured it didn't matter anymore."

His blue eyes flickered from me to Rosalie's BMW and back again. "I guess."

"Our situations are different. Whatever happened won't have any impact on my relationship with Bella."

"Maybe. But I think she wants you to know. She didn't tell you to talk to me for nothing."

"Emmett, I really don't want to."

He didn't comment, forcing me to elaborate.

"I'm aware that Rose had something really fucking bad happen to her. But I... Fuck, I don't know. Knowing the specifics wouldn't make me look at her differently, but I like what we have now. She's just my sister-in-law. There's no baggage or bullshit when it comes to her. I don't get that very often."

He processed that. "Okay, but can I just say one thing?"

"What?"

"Rosalie and I have both been in Bella's shoes in one way or the other. We get it. So if either of you ever need to talk..."

I inhaled deeply. "Thanks. Now here's my one thing."

"Shoot."

"How long before she got over it?"

"She's still not over it," he said, and it was like the light at the end of this long, dark tunnel I'd been navigating through dimmed slightly. I didn't want to be like this for the rest of my life; hearing Emmett's answer meant that it would probably never fully go away. "And that's okay. It was hard for a while, but we've always been good."

I swallowed thickly, trying hard to keep nonchalant. "What do you mean?"

"She was really young, so it fucked with her whole psyche for a while. I had to wait. And wait. And wait for her to get past it."

"How long were you waiting exactly, Emmett?"

"Till our wedding night."

"The fuck?"

Even I wasn't that bad.

So maybe things weren't as grim as I was making them out to be.

He grinned. "Yeah. It was scary as hell. I didn't want to push her too far, but at the same time, I just wanted us to be normal."

"Wanted to be normal," I murmured. "I know that feeling."

He slapped me on the back with a laugh. I stiffened; I wasn't entirely sure why he was laughing about it.

"We all do. It's cause and effect and shit. But it makes us who we are. You wouldn't be the fucking asshole you are without Chicago."

"And you?"

"I wouldn't be me. I was... I hurt people because that's what we did to fit in. I wouldn't be so quick to please if I'd lived in a different neighborhood."

One that hadn't been run by gangs.

"I mean, that kind of stuff gets ingrained in you."

"Yeah."

"And I wouldn't have these gnarly scars on my side." He lifted up his shirt, showing off the jagged scars that ran over his torso with a proud smile.

I rolled my eyes. "Only you could joke about being almost stabbed to death."

"It's better than the opposite." He gave me a pointed look.

"I get it now, all right?" I chuckled. "It's just... Fuck, it's a really hard habit to break."

"Harder than smoking?"

"Much."

Silence again.

"Emmett?"

"Present."

I sighed. "Do you ever want to go back to LA?"

"I can't. You know that. They'd kill me."

"No, that's not what I'm asking." I rubbed at my eyes. "Do you ever want to?"

He shook his head. "No. I think... My parents didn't give me up because they didn't want me. It was because I got involved with the wrong people and almost died, and they didn't have the means to move me someplace safe. They knew I was better off as a Cullen than a McCarty. It took me a long time to see it, but eventually, I realized they were right."

I gave him a weary smile, completely in agreement. The circumstances may have been different; Elizabeth may not have wanted me when she signed away her rights, but that didn't change the fact that my life was bettered by becoming a Cullen. To still have 'Masen' tacked on to my name...

Hell, I'd probably be dead by now.

It was too bad that didn't curb this need I had to go back to Chicago and talk to her. She was... She was fucking key to finding out about Maggie's existence. As stupid as it was, I still felt like I had to go.

"Don't think for a second that they won't kill you if they find you there," Emmett said suddenly, his voice pleading as he understood the meaning behind my question.

"Emmett-"

"Find some other way. Go to Maggie's adoptive family; have the chief find your biological father. Just stay as far away from Chicago as you can."

The click of the door stopped our conversation, and I turned around to see Bella giving us a shy smile.

Dragging that girl with me, unsure of my reactions to being back in a place I had such god awful memories of Aro and Elizabeth...

I should just forget it all.

But the question was - could I?

"Am I interrupting?" she asked, her eyes darting between us.

"No." I reached out for her, soothed the moment she wrapped her arms around me and burrowed against my chest. In that was my answer, the same thing I'd been telling myself for months now.

She deserved so much more.

"You want to go?"

She nodded. "Can we um... Can we search flight departures? I kind of feel like I should talk to my mom before she goes, and I can't get her to answer the phone, and-"

I didn't bother telling her that we'd have to buy tickets to get past security and search for the gate. I didn't bother telling her that they'd probably find seats on one of the numerous flights to SeaTac and take off before we could make it, if they hadn't boarded a flight already. I didn't bother telling her that their wait would likely be in Seattle, not here.

All because she looked like she was about to cry, and I did not fucking do well when Bella cried.

Instead, I said, "Sure. Grab your shit and I'll see what I can find on my phone."

"Seriously?"

"Yes, Bella. Seriously."

I waited until she was back inside before pulling my phone out of my pocket and calling up the web browser. I caught Emmett's smirk out of the corner of my eye halfway through my search and stopped.

"What?" I asked warily.

"When did you turn into such a pussy?"

I glared at him, arching my brow. "Asks the cockblocker."

"Damn. I'm sorry about that." He shook his head with a laugh. "I've always had shitty timing, I swear."

He had that right.

We said our goodbyes and went back to the house, our intent to shower and change quickly before heading back out. Only when I stood under the spray of the water, I realized how restless I was. I was in need of... something, but I wasn't exactly sure what.

I got out, dressed, and went down the hall to find Bella chewing on her lip as she stared down at the contents of her suitcase she'd dumped out on the bed, her towel held up with one hand, hair dripping down her back...

And knew exactly why I was still so keyed up.

I shut the door behind me quietly and made me way over to her, snaking my hands up under the towel to feel her bare ass. My lips skimmed over her shoulder and to her neck, stopping just at the hollow below her ear; my fingers dug into the flesh at her hips, carefully keeping distance from where they truly wanted to be.

I had a feeling that if I touched her, pressed my body up against hers, I wouldn't be able to stop.

"Wear the dress on the right," I murmured.

"You sure?"

"We can go out after we try to catch your mom."

I'd probably need to take her mind off the disappointment somehow.

She spun around in my arms, beaming. "Okay."

I kissed the tip of her nose and released her, feeling fucking sentimental all of a sudden. "I'll change my shirt. Meet me downstairs?"

She gave a quick nod and dropped her towel to change, having no idea what she did to me. How hard I was with just that one innocent action.

"Son of a bitch," I muttered, backing out of the room and wondering how I was going to be able to take care of this little dilemma before someone noticed.

I spun around and found Esme peeking into my bedroom.

Problem fucking solved.

"Hey, Mom."

She jerked her head back and threw me a sheepish look at being caught. "What are you guys up to tonight?"

"I think we might go to Port Angeles for a bit. Maybe walk downtown if the weather cooperates?" I told her, purposely leaving out anything involving Renee.

Esme would worry all night about it.

"You're wearing that?" she asked, gesturing to my ratty t-shirt and jeans.

"Jesus," I said, annoyed. "I'm getting ready to change."

She followed me into my closet to look over the few things I kept here year round.

"What color is she wearing?"

"Green." She opened her mouth, but I barreled ahead. "And I'm not doing that matchy matchy shit."

"Mouth, Edward," she scolded, running her hands over the shirts in front of her. "What color green?"

"I don't know." I drove my hands through my hair, and Esme scowled. "It's dark. Teal, I think?"

She pulled out a black button up with pale pinstripes on it and handed it to me. "Are you fixing your hair?"

"No, Mom, I'm not," I replied angrily. "Now get out."

"You should. And put on something other than jeans."

I stood there and stared down at her.

She laughed once and started to walk away. "Well, I tried."

Downstairs, I sat on the couch next to Carlisle and fidgeted with the buttons on my shirt. I unbuttoned one, decided it was too douchey to leave undone, and buttoned it right back up.

Wiped my hands on my thighs and stared at the staircase.

"You okay there?" Carlisle asked with a smirk.

I nearly flipped him off. Of course I wasn't okay. I was dressed up and about to take Bella out on a date - one that could still be counted on a single hand to tally up the number of times we'd actually gone out as a couple alone.

It still made me fucking squirm.

Bella finally came down, her face scrunched in concentration as she navigated the stairs in the tall, nude stilettos I recognized as Rosalie's. Her hair was still damp, wavy and wild in a way she rarely let anyone see. The dress draped against her neck - no surprise there - but the way it clung to her curves, stopped mid-thigh...

Holy fucking shit, I was in trouble.

"Breathe, son," Carlisle chuckled.

"Not obvious at all, Dad," I snapped back, fidgeting with the collar of my shirt as I hurried across the room to her.

Why the fuck did I let Esme pick out what I wore again?

Oh, right. I'm a sucker, I thought sardonically.

On cue, Bella giggled and reached up to smooth the collar out herself. "You always look so uncomfortable when we go out. Why?"

I snuck a glance over at Carlisle and spoke so he couldn't hear me. "I don't like all of this pomp and circumstance surrounding dates. Fucking flowers, chocolate, dinner, a movie, the expectation... All leading up to the awkward moment on the girl's porch where you try to figure out if you should make a move or not? It's ridiculous."

"And totally not us," she agreed. "So I think you should stop stressing out over it."

I sighed and reached for her hand. "Yeah. Okay. Sorry. I just... I still want to make sure everything's perfect for you. All the time. I can't fucking shut it off."

Because on top of everything else, my fucked up ass was a perfectionist, too.

Just great.

"Edward," she said, amused, "it's never going to be perfect. It's impossible. But it can be perfect for us."

"Why are you so goddamned smart?" I growled.

She shrugged a shoulder.

"No, really. It's like, everything you shouldn't have any clue about, you do. You're this deceptively wise girl in an innocent's clothing. I don't get it."

"What do you mean?" she asked, letting me lead her though the house to get to the Volvo.

"Had you ever been on a date before me?"

"But you already know..."

"Just answer the question. I'm going somewhere with it, I promise."

She smiled a little "Okay, the answer is no."

"Then answer me this: why have you always been so at ease with it? Shouldn't you be a nervous wreck and not know what to expect?"

"I..." She stopped and frowned, thinking over her answer. "I guess I'm not because it's you. Now that I know you - really know you, and not in the 'oh, hey, there's that cute, asshole boy brooding in the corner again' way - I don't think I could be uncomfortable with you. And I know what to expect because I'm a girl. We tend to romanticize everything."

"Way to take off the pressure," I muttered sarcastically.

She squeezed my hand before letting go to shrug her coat on and step out into the garage. "No pressure. It's just me."

Easier said than done.

"Get in," I sighed, opening the car door and motioning her inside.

She grinned again and made herself just a little taller so that her lips pressed against mine. "Have I ever told you how adorable you are when you're like this?" she asked when she pulled away. "All neurotic and stuff?"

"Not helpful."

"Sorry," she said, and ducked inside.

But she didn't seem sorry at all.

"You knew, didn't you?" Bella asked once we'd left the airport. "You knew this was pointless."

"I... Ah, fuck, I didn't want to tell you it was pointless in case I was wrong. And you looked like you were about to cry, and I'll fucking do just about anything to avoid that."

She threw herself against the door with a curse.

"Baby..."

"I screwed up," she said, giving me a tight-lipped smile. "I screwed the whole thing up by not telling her about it."

I wasn't exactly sure what to say back to that, but I tried anyhow. "I don't think you did."

She scoffed. "My mom hates me."

"Bella," I said, wishing I wasn't driving so I could see her clearly. "She doesn't fucking hate you. She's just... I don't know. I don't have any experience with this kind of shit. But I know you didn't screw up."

My eyes darted over to her involuntarily. She was watching me closely, looking for some kind of waver on my part.

There was none. Judging by everything Bella had ever told me about Renee, I honestly didn't think she'd fucked up.

I simply thought there was a lot of adjustment on her mother's part.

"So where are we going?" she finally asked.

"Well, the fact that you're underage makes it almost impossible to do anything fun," I teased.

Her hand shot out to my shoulder. "Like you'd ever be caught in a bar, Edward."

I kept talking like she hadn't said a word. It was true, though; bars were never my thing, for obvious reasons. "But I'm hungry, so we're going to eat first."

"Where?"

"Ever heard of Michael's?"

"Um, nope. Can't say that I have."

"Good."

I left Bella to her thoughts for the rest of the ride, even going so far as to give her control of my iPod.

A Perfect Circle, Nine Inch Nails, Chevelle... Even some fast paced Foo streamed through the speakers. Her leg bounced in time with the music, fingers drumming against the door, the entire way to Port Angeles.

She was really fucking upset.

Shit.

I breathed a little sigh of relief when I slipped into a parking spot just down the block from the restaurant, and then hurriedly got out of the car. I made my way around to her side and helped her out, knowing she was probably a little wobbly on the fucking stilts she'd decided to wear.

Not that they didn't make her legs look incredible or anything. Jesus, she looked-

I stopped that thought and started in the direction of the restaurant before it made me do something stupid.

Like throw her up against the car and try to work my way up under that little dress of hers.

In public.

Once we were led to our table, Bella took off her coat and draped it over the empty seat to my right, completely unaware that she'd drawn the attention of a few of the guys around us. I thought about wrapping my arm around her waist before she sat down and bringing her closer to me, pressing a kiss to her lips while letting my hand drift lower, marking what was mine.

But then decided against it. The fuckers could stare all they wanted.

Her eyes were only on me.

We ran over the menu quickly and decided to order the paella. I watched Bella sit across from me, practically mute with the exception of a few sharp breaths and sighs as she turned her napkin in her hands, fumbled with her phone to read a text from Alice.

"Talk to me," I said, leaning forward and putting my elbows on the table just to get closer to her.

She glanced up at me. Her eyes were brimming with tears.

My heart wrenched in my chest. This was exactly what I'd been trying to avoid.

"There's nothing to talk about," she answered.

"Do you want to go home?"

"No!" Her eyes darted around the room, and she dropped her voice. "Sorry. No. I just..."

"Need me to divert your attention somewhere else," I murmured in understanding.

"Yes," she breathed.

I nodded and focused on my water glass. "I talked to Emmett at the garage earlier. When we were out back."

She waited for me to finish the thought.

"He doesn't think I should go to Chicago either. He thinks that maybe I should see if my biological father knows anything."

"But I mean, you've never..." A little line formed between her brows. "Do you know where he is?"

I shook my head. "I've never tried to look him up or anything. I never really fucking cared. Any excuse he had for leaving me with Elizabeth wasn't going to be good enough, so I didn't want to hear it."

"Then how...?" She laughed at herself. "Dad."

"Think he'd go for it?"

"If we gave him the right reason for it, sure." She studied me for a second. "But that's not really what you want, is it?"

I sighed, unable to describe what I was feeling. "I don't think it's going to help, but I'll do it. For you. Emmett. Or anyone else who thinks I should go this route instead. I... I've fucking hurt everyone enough in the nine years I've been in this family. And if I can keep from doing it again..."

"Thank you," she said softly.

"For what?"

"For trying another way to find what you need before making arrangements to go back to Chicago," she explained. "I don't think you realize how much that will mean to everyone."

"Oh. Well, I mean, I- Fuck, I-"

Thank fucking Christ, the waiter chose that specific moment to bring us our food so I couldn't stammer like a moron anymore.

I thanked the guy and motioned for Bella's plate, but she shook her head, her lips curving slightly.

"Let's just eat it out of the pan."

"Eat it out of the pan."

"Yeah."

I chuckled. "Okay."

She picked up her fork and scooped up some of the rice, bringing to her mouth slowly. She moaned as soon as she tasted it, closing her eyes and saying, "Now this is a good diversion tactic."

Goddamn, I wanted to laugh, but I couldn't stop thinking of the way her mouth looked wrapped around that fucking fork.

And she wasn't exactly making things any easier in that dress.

Focus on the food, asshole.

But my eyes were pulled away from the paella pan sitting in the center of the table and to Bella's mouth again, watching her tongue wet her lips as she chewed on a piece of shellfish. She shifted in her seat and reached for more, the dress sliding up her thighs to expose more skin to me.

I snatched the glass of water off the table and gulped it down, giving serious thought into pouring it down my fucking pants.

Why'd I tell her to wear the dress again?

"Why aren't you eating? It's so good," she nearly moaned, bringing another bite to her lips.

"Ah..." I scrambled to take a bite. I'd been too busy ogling her to realize I hadn't yet. Every thought of mine seemed to be connected to that goddamned dress.

Fuck, it really was good.

"I saw a bookstore down the street when we got here. Mind if I go inside before we leave?"

I was staring at her tits as I chewed.

"Edward?"

I blinked, my eyes shooting up to hers. "What? I missed it."

"I asked if we could walk down to the bookstore before we left," she said slowly, as if she were talking to a child.

And maybe I had the mental capacity of one now that all the blood had found its way into my fucking dick.

"Uh, sure." I cleared my throat. "I could probably find something in there too."

"What's wrong with you?" she laughed.

"You're... Fuck," I couldn't think, and made a sweeping gesture to her body with my hand, "do you know how hard it's been for me to sit here and watch you eat?'

"I don't... Um..."

"No, Bella, like literally fucking hard." I snatched her hand under the table and brought it to my lap. Her eyes flew to mine. "Yeah."

She jerked her hand away, her face lighting up in a beautiful blush.

"Damn it," I ground out. "I don't know what's wrong with me. It's not like I haven't seen you naked or anything. And maybe that's the problem. I know what's under that dress and none of these other fuckers looking at you do."

"Other... What?" She glanced around the room. "I don't see anyone looking at me."

She was blind.

Absolutely blind.

I took a deep breath and worked to calm down. When I was sure I could speak again, I said, "If you're finished, I can flag the waiter down and pay."

I'd probably do better if she was hidden under her ivory wool coat.

That's what I was telling myself, anyway.

It wasn't long before we were out the door and on our way to the bookstore we'd passed by earlier. It was cooler than it was when we'd arrived, so Bella linked our arms together and leaned into my body, a chill running through her as we did.

I pulled my arm away from her and wrapped it around her shoulders. She glanced up at me in confusion.

"Wasn't good enough," I grunted at her.

She smiled.

Once inside, we separated for a while, Bella heading directly back to the classics section, while I browsed the new releases.

Supernatural love shit. Sappy Harlequin shit. Books with their movie adaptations as covers. Something about aliens in another stack.

Boring.

I grabbed one anyway.

I found Bella back in the corner, a stack of books piled on the table next to the chair she was curled up in, shoes discarded on the floor beneath her.

She absently tugged her dress down, and I shook my head.

"What'd you find?"

She flipped the book up so I could see. Wuthering Heights.

"Depressing. What else did you get?"

Beloved. Ethan Frome.

Christ, it was like she was trying to make herself cry.

And then I burst into laughter.

"Breakfast at Tiffany's."

"That's for you," she said, fighting off a smile.

"Well, it's probably better than the shit I found up front."

She glanced up and frowned at the book in my hand. "Since when did you read romance?"

"Never. Thought there might be some porn in it, though." I waggled my eyebrows.

"You've been spending too much time with Emmett."

I laughed again. "Yeah. Probably. Are you buying all of these?"

"Just got paid, so yep," she said distractedly.

"Okay. Ready to go then?"

"Yep."

"You going to put the fucking book down and speak like a normal person any time soon?"

"Nope," she giggled.

But she closed the book and set it aside.

Standing at the checkout counter, I noticed a display of journals to our left. Inexplicably drawn to the table, I left Bella in line and walked over to it. One journal stood out among the rest.

Black leather, a red strap wrapping around it to bind it together.

I let my fingers skim the surface, a strange pressure bubbling up in my chest. I needed it.

But why?

Tighter now. Choking me. Pulling me.

Breathe.

"Edward?"

I glanced back at Bella.

And made a decision.

I brought the journal back with me and put it on the counter, not looking at Bella until I'd paid and taken the bag from the girl at the register. I didn't want anyone to overhear my explanation to her.

What little I could offer, that is. I had no idea what had just fucking happened.

Back outside, though, it all came pouring out.

"When I first started therapy with Dr. Banner he suggested that I write things I couldn't talk about down. But I never did. Too stubborn, I guess. I'm willing to talk about shit now with you... him... I just... Sometimes there's so much going on inside my head I think I might be missing something. Something important, you know? Like a clue, maybe?"

I dragged my hands through my hair. "Fuck, never mind. That sounds insane."

She stepped in front of me, dark eyes determined as she gazed at me. "You always encourage me to write. Every day. Even when it's something stupid like reciting a joke that made me laugh or writing down what we did together."

"Well, yeah... I mean, it's what you do."

She shook her head. "It's what we do, Edward. Every picture I draw, every thought, story or letter I've ever written is linked to you. From the very beginning, even before I knew you existed."

"Bella," I breathed, staring hard at her, "what are you saying?"

"I'm saying don't second guess it." More fire in her eyes. "Go with whatever it was that made you buy that journal."

I caught the telltale twitch of her right hand at her side.

"Fuck, you feel it too."

And then it was up, rubbing over her heart as she swallowed hard.

"Yeah, babe. I feel it too."