Thanks for all the reviews and adds these last couple of weeks. Between Easter and my daughter's birthday, I've had no time to respond, much less write, and I apologize for that. I hope everyone had a great holiday, though! We sure did!
Thanks to Stratan for his mad beta skills, and to stephk0525, twilover76, and claireoth for prereading.
Chapter 31
Bella
"I can carry that, you know."
I reached for my black suitcase, only to have it yanked out of my reach.
"I know," Edward said, gazing down at me with smirk.
"Then give it to me."
"No." The smirk widened when he caught my annoyed expression. "One of us needs to open the door."
"Alice's car is here. She can do it for us."
"What if she's busy?"
"Then I'll call her before we head the rest of the way up."
"Bella, don't be fucking difficult. Just go upstairs and open the goddamned door," he laughed.
I started tapping my foot on the step. "You're doing it again."
"What, being your amazingly wonderful, charming as fuck boyfriend?"
"No, Edward. Babying me."
Green eyes pierced mine. "I'd never baby you. You know that."
"Then what do you call this? Or how about when I was sick?"
He let the suitcase rest on the step just above where he stood and dragged a hand through his hair. "Jesus fuck. You didn't have an objection to it when you were sick."
"I did! I said something when you bought all those vitamins before we left for my mom's. But I let it go because you were freaking out. We both were."
"So what? That means I can't carry your suitcase up the steps for you now?" He shook his head. "You know what, Bella? Forget it. Carry the fucking suitcase. I don't care."
He threw it at me with a snarl, and I had to hurry to catch it before it clattered all the way down to the first floor.
Before I knew it, he was up the stairs, leaving me there to sputter behind him.
I took a second to try to figure out what had just happened, and then I grabbed my stuff back up and chased after him.
I turned the corner and found him pacing the hall, talking to himself as he typically did when he was worked up, and I suddenly felt ridiculous for starting a fight like I had. For God's sake, it was luggage. Two weeks of crap that had gotten me through all the time spent with my mother. He'd dealt with all her prejudices and her overbearing attitude for me. He'd worked with Alice to give me probably the best Christmas gift I'd ever receive...
He skipped therapy sessions to do it all.
And all he wanted in return was to heft my stuff up a flight of stairs.
What was my problem?
"I'm sorry," I said as I approached him. "I don't know what's wrong with me."
He stopped pacing and stared back at me.
"Yes, I do. I'm stressed out."
"Same here. Charlie will be calling in a few days and I..."
"Exactly," I breathed.
"I don't know why, though. This is what I asked for, and now I'm on the verge of panicking over it." He chewed on his cheek for a moment. "Never mind. I don't know how to describe it."
"You spent the majority of your twenty-three years hating your dad for abandoning you," I replied. "I don't really see how there's anything else to describe."
He nodded and got back to the original topic. "I'm not the same dickhead I was when you met me. Things are different between us. You matter to me more than anything else now."
"I know."
"I think it's a good thing. But do you?"
"Of course I do," I replied emphatically.
"Then don't do this kind of shit. Please. I've only gotten to do one truly selfless thing for you since we got together, and it was under the guise of a stupid Christmas present."
"It wasn't stupid."
"Stop trying to change the subject," he snapped.
But then he ran his hand over the back of his neck and smiled at me sheepishly. He wasn't angry anymore. Just anxious.
I hated it for him.
"Is that what you're doing? Showing me you care about me?"
"Mostly, yes. It's a struggle every day for me still, baby, to prove to myself that I can do this. And maybe I'm overcompensating, but fuck, if you keep denying me, I'm going to get a complex and stop trying completely."
I knew he was joking about the last part, but he had a point. "I'm sorry," I said again. "Next time you can carry all of the luggage."
His lips pursed unhappily. "Maybe I should rethink this."
"Well," I said slyly, "I guess you should have thought about that before getting so mad about it."
He arched his brow but said nothing in return.
I unlocked the door and moved through the threshold, stopping just inside the living room to hold the door open for Edward while he rolled our luggage inside. When he had everything situated in the living room, I locked up behind him.
Thinking Alice was in her room studying, I started through the apartment, her name on my lips, only to stop short at a sound coming from down the hall.
Or more specifically, coming from her room.
There it was again, and my eyes shot to Edward's, wide with disbelief.
Thump.
Thump.
"The fuck?" Edward exclaimed. "Is that what I think it is?"
"Oh, my God," I said, scrambling to get to the front door. "We have to get out of here."
"Hell no." He grabbed my hand and pulled me to the couch. "We're going nowhere."
"But they-"
"I'm done with the secrecy. Fucking done, Bella. They can explain when they're finished."
"And we're supposed to listen to this in the meantime?" I scoffed. "I don't think so."
"Earbuds. Where are they?"
"In my bag, like always. Why?"
"Listen to your iPod if you don't want to hear it."
"And what about you?" I asked him.
"I lived with Emmett. I'm used to hearing weird shit," he said dryly.
"But I thought you said Emmett and Rosalie didn't..."
He threw me a sidelong look. "Emmett wasn't always with Rosalie, baby."
I blinked. "Oh."
Neither of us spoke again until it seemed that Jasper and Alice were through.
"Jasper's got some stamina," I murmured.
Edward's expression was suddenly murderous.
"Like you weren't thinking it."
"You say anything else about some other guy and his fucking capabilities, and I swear to God-"
"Oh, stop. He's your brother."
"He's still a guy," he argued.
I shook my head, and glanced toward the hall when I heard them talking. "You should close your eyes in case she walks out naked. Alice would be really upset if you saw her."
"You close your eyes," he shot back, still aggravated with me. "Jasper's likely to be just as naked."
"I'm not closing my eyes."
"Neither am I."
We glared at each other, locked in a standoff, and then abruptly burst into laughter.
"This is the most fucked up-"
"Bella!" Alice shrieked. "You guys are back!"
I was terrified to look away from Edward.
"Um... Is it safe to look at you while I talk?"
"What?" And then she realized what I was getting at. "Oh, shit, you heard us?"
"How does the saying go?" I asked Edward, struggling not to giggle.
He smiled. "I think it goes something like, 'you're busted'."
"Yep, that'd be the one."
I finally gazed up at Alice - thankfully, she had a t-shirt on - and gave her a smug, satisfied grin.
"You two are so busted."
xx
We all sat in the living room in silence, none of us knowing where exactly to begin. Alice kept deferring to Jasper, who would simply glance away awkwardly. I didn't want things to get weird now that their relationship was out in the open. And as much as I wanted to know the story, if Jasper wasn't ready to talk to us about it then I wouldn't make him.
I almost pouted at that.
"So..." I began, "we've known about you guys since Thanksgiving."
Alice's eyes bulged. "You have?"
I shrugged. "It's not a big deal. I don't know why you guys are making it one."
"Tell him that!" she said, pointing over at Jasper.
He glowered at her.
Apparently, not everything had changed between them.
"You don't get to be pissed off at me!" she yelled at him. "I've wanted to talk to my best friend about you for months, but because you're acting like a fucking idiot-"
"Alice," he growled.
She backed down with the furious look on Jasper gave her. "Why does everything have to be a secret? Are you... Are you ashamed of me or something?"
"No, of course not." His face crumpled. "I just... I'm ashamed of me. Not you."
"What?"
"I spent months trying to get those two to realize how much they loved each other, and then when it happened to me... I fucking freaked out about it and ran away. I was an asshole to you. It was like..."
"You were acting like me," Edward said lowly.
"Yeah." Jasper glanced over at him. "Not that it's unreasonable with our pasts, really, but after everything I'd said? Seemed really fucking hypocritical."
"Wait, Jazz, wha-?" Alice swallowed thickly. "Did you just say you love me?"
He shifted in his seat so that he could stare at her. His eyes were soft, his face warm.
I quickly averted my gaze.
"Yeah," he whispered. "I love you."
I hit Edward's leg and motioned for him to follow me into my room. I waited until he was sitting on the bed, the door closed behind us, before saying anything.
"As much as I want to know how they stopped fighting and started..."
"Fucking instead?" Edward prompted.
I continued with my thought, a wry smile on my lips from his words, "I didn't think we should be there for that."
"No." He ran his hand through his hair and glanced up at me. "I already knew he was in love with her, though."
"Really?"
He nodded once. "Whenever someone would talk about her or when she'd walk into the room, his eyes would light up. He needs her. You saw how she is with him. She's loud and abrasive, but it forces him to stop being so introverted and self-conscious all the time."
He stood up and moved toward me, quiet until his hands were wrapped around my waist; his body pressed against mine.
"I kept thinking that must be the way I look at you."
"You do," I agreed. "Every single day."
A small smile graced his lips. "Because you're my entire fucking world. Everything would be shit without you in my life. Everything was shit before you were in my life."
"Edward, don't-"
He kissed me slowly, cutting off my protest.
"Not fair," I managed to get out.
He chuckled and pulled away just enough so that he could see me clearly. "Funny how we all found someone who can cut right through our bullshit."
"So I'm loud and abrasive like Rose and Alice?"
Another laugh. "No. You're patient and understanding. Entirely too fucking rational for your own good. You've helped to make me better, Isabella Swan. Nothing I'll ever do or say will be enough to repay you for it."
"But I don't want or need to be repaid, Edward. I just want to be with you."
"Bella!"
I whirled around to see Jasper running toward me.
"Aren't you supposed to be at the hospital right now?"
"I told my professor I had some family stuff to take care of," he explained.
"Family stuff?" I asked, confused. "What family stuff?"
"You," he replied. And then he grinned. "I wanted to know if you could go to lunch with me."
"Lunch."
"Yeah, you know. Like we used to."
"Um... Okay, I guess."
The smile widened, and Jasper held out his hand for me to take. "Off campus?"
"Uh, sure. Why not?"
The walk was quiet. I kept trying to figure out ways to break the silence, but every thought I had seemed to circle back to Alice.
Annoyed with myself, I sighed. Jasper had always been such a good friend of mine. And yet I couldn't think of anything to say other than to ask how he finally managed to be my best friend's boyfriend.
"What's up, B?"
"I... It's nothing. It's fine. How's school?"
"Clinicals suck ass," he admitted honestly. "You?"
"Eh... Not much to say, really. They're all pre-reqs."
He stared ahead for a moment. "I don't want this to cause problems between you and Alice."
"It won't," I said fervently.
"I've never done this before. And I feel like I've totally fucked up some things now."
The words were far, far too familiar. "It's not going to cause problems," I repeated, grabbing at his arm to slow him down. To make him see.
He studied me, and then nodded once.
"I'm happy for you two. You're... you're an awesome guy. And I thought you and Alice would be good together from the very beginning."
"She might've said something like that," he answered with a grin. "Can I ask why?"
"I don't know. There was something about the two of you, your personalities... I just thought you'd fit well. Complement each other."
I trailed off, blushing.
"We do," he said quietly. "Thanks for seeing it."
"Well, someone had to," I joked. "Neither of you were going to do it."
He chuckled. "I'm pretty fucking observant when it comes to other people's lives, but I'm completely oblivious to my own shit. Go figure."
"I don't think you were oblivious to it. I think you were taken by surprise. I mean, you're kind of a planner, Jasper, and to have such an intense reaction to someone..."
"I got scared. Yeah. I know." He paused and started walking again. "Remember that Halloween party I got dressed up for?"
"Sure I do."
"Alice went, too."
"Is that when it happened?"
He smiled, and I had my answer.
"You guys didn't go together, did you?"
Surely Alice would have told me something about it. Even if it was something small, like knowing that Jasper was going to the party, too. As much as she liked to pretend otherwise – live her life as she had before - I knew it'd bothered her how much Jasper ignored her.
She'd liked him. From the very beginning.
"Are you kidding me, Bella? I couldn't stand her. She was there with someone else. Pissed me right the fuck off."
"Jealous?"
"Insanely," he lamented.
I giggled.
"I was such a dick to her," he continued. "We were outside and she looked so pretty, which made me act like even more of an idiot. So I'm shouting at her; she's yelling right back, and then the next thing I know I'm the one kissing her. I thought it was to shut her up, because Christ, once Alice gets going, she just doesn't quit."
"You're not telling me anything I don't already know there."
"But halfway through the kiss, I stopped being so pissed off."
"Yeah?" I asked anxiously.
"And I realized that I liked how she antagonized me. I liked kissing her. I just liked her."
I somehow managed to hold back the 'aw' on the tip of my tongue and let him keep talking at his own pace.
"I asked her out on a date, which shocked the shit out of her, I think. But she agreed." He sighed for some reason. "I shouldn't have asked her to keep it from you. She tells you everything, and it wasn't really fair to either of you."
"Did you really do it because you were ashamed of your reaction to her?"
"Yeah, but that wasn't the only reason. I didn't want to disappoint anyone when I failed. I... I've never really been in a relationship before, and that's my fault. I couldn't let go of my shit long enough to see if people would actually be revolted by my scars."
"Jas, no one's revolted," I interjected. "In fact, a lot of people think they're pretty awesome. Or hot, depending on who you're talking to."
"I know that now."
"You and your brother are a lot more alike than you probably realize. Edward's always had this fear that once people knew about his past, they'd start looking at him differently - his family included. So he's always shut people out before they could."
He cleared his throat and stopped, glancing at the door to a small restaurant Edward and I ordered takeout from a lot. "Is this cool with you?"
"Sure."
Inside, we sat down and quickly glanced over the menu. The waitress came by, and Jasper gave me a strange look after we ordered.
"What?"
"Hummus? Since when?"
"Since I felt like it. It's really good here. I even got Edward to try it."
"And?"
"He... tolerated it," I said with a laugh. "It reminded me of my dad when I first moved in with him."
He smiled that perfect smile of his, the one I hadn't realized I'd missed since then. "I know Edward and I are a lot alike," he said, almost randomly, and I had to figure out what he was referring to. "I just didn't want to admit it. I thought I was more… well-adjusted."
I didn't know how to respond to that. It seemed that maybe Jasper wasn't that well-adjusted after all. But it wasn't my place to help him sort out his feelings behind it.
It was Alice's.
And I had enough faith in her to think she would.
Lunch brightened up a bit after that. We talked more about school, Edward, the rest of the Cullens. We even discussed going out on a double date, and then quickly decided against it. Edward hated dates. Even though I wanted him to broaden his horizons, so to speak, I wasn't going to push him into it. After all, I'd already nudged him in that direction when I told him he needed friends. Friends outside of his family and me. He'd already branched out a little on his own when he allowed Alice to work her way into his life. But it was up to him to take that final step, find another piece of the normality he craved.
And I knew he needed to let someone unknown, someone unconnected to us, in to do so.
Jasper walked me home, if only just to see Alice for a little while before he went off to his last class of the day. I decided to clean my bedroom to give them some privacy, so I grabbed the few cleaning products I'd need out of the kitchen and hurried off before they could see me.
They were so damned cute.
I changed my sheets and dusted the furniture. I slipped back out into the hall to grab the vacuum out of the closet, and then found Edward grabbing at my ass when I was bent over to plug it in.
"Hi."
"Hi," he echoed softly.
I stood up and closed my eyes, biting back a moan at the feel of his hands running over my body.
"I was thinking," he whispered into my ear.
"Yeah?"
"This... is going to get old. Fast."
"What is?"
"Sharing our apartments with another couple," he elaborated and popped the button on the fly of my jeans.
I frowned. He had a point. Unless we had some kind of schedule - which I was fairly certain was not happening - there was no way to determine who'd be where on which nights and how it would interfere with the others' plans.
"Okay?"
"So I was trying to figure out ways to fix it. Alice picked this apartment out and all the shit in it, right?"
"Except for my bedroom, yeah."
"Well," his hand dipped down inside them now, traveling south, and I could hardly breathe, "my apartment is so fucking dreary."
I swallowed hard when his teeth nipped at my ear, his breath ghosting over my neck.
"Esme's been waiting for us to give her the go-ahead to remodel it, but neither of us have really had time to fuck with that kind of thing."
His fingers found my sex, exploring, teasing...
"Oh, G-God," I stuttered. "Where are you going with this?"
"We're only allowed to paint, but we could get new furniture and all that other shit. Make it... ours."
My eyes flew open.
Edward tensed behind me.
"Are you asking me to move in with you?" I rasped out.
"When your lease is up," I swore I felt a tremor run through him, "and if Alice and Jasper are still together, yeah."
A sob bubbled up in my chest; Edward's hands slipped away. I spun around to face him, to see his face clearly.
His eyes were determined, honest, countering the terrified expression he wore. "I um- I thought maybe I could do it. I... Fuck, I'm nervous."
"What were you doing just now; buttering me up?" Hastily, I pulled at the zipper and closed the button on my jeans. "Cause that's kind of mean."
"Sorry?" he answered hopefully.
"Why? You're getting what you want." I brought my hands up to frame his face. "My answer's yes."
"What?" His eyes darted to mine, seeking truth, and then he gave me a smile that took the air right out of my lungs. "Bella, you're sure?"
I nodded. "But finish what you were saying. I want to hear your reasoning."
He cleared his throat awkwardly, and wound his arms around my waist to steady himself. "I've known you for eight months now. When your lease is up, it will be fifteen months. I think I... want to take the next step. I miss you when you're in class or working or whatever, and really fucking hate the nights we spend apart. I don't want to keep doing it, but I want to go slow. I can't... If I fucked it up by moving too fast-"
"Shh." I put my hand over his lips to stop his rambling. "You're not moving too fast."
"No?"
"Not for me, no. Edward, you're the one who has to set the pace for this. It's not going to work if you're not comfortable with it."
"I am comfortable with it," he objected. "That's why I asked. I just don't know what the fuck I'm doing, as usual."
He looked so annoyed at the whole situation, I couldn't help but laugh. "And you think I do?"
"I-" He stopped himself and scowled. "I guess not."
"It doesn't matter that we're a couple bumbling idiots."
"Thanks for the encouragement, Bella," he grumbled.
"It doesn't matter," I repeated, undeterred, "because - and this is really cheesy -"
"Please don't go all sappy on me," he whined.
I grinned. "You're just as sappy as me now, I'll have you know."
"Fuck," he muttered. "I probably am."
"Is that bad?"
"No," he admitted. "I just feel really fucking...
But rather than finishing the sentence, he simply shrugged and cast his gaze to the floor.
I knew the conversation was over. Whatever thought that went with the admission had freaked him out, and he'd shut down on me.
I sighed and moved over to the bed, dragging my book bag up off of the floor. "I've got to study. Are you staying or going?"
He checked the time. "Going. For now. I'll be back later, though. I've got to pull a few articles and then-"
"Okay."
I didn't give him an 'I love you' or any of my usual parting words; instead, I yanked my books out of my bag and spread them out over the bed. It was irrational, but I was upset. Upset because I thought we'd gotten farther than this. Because he hadn't shut me out in longer than I could remember.
And even though I knew there'd be times like this - likely for as long as I'd know him - I still had this selfish, knee-jerk reaction to cry about it.
"Bella," he groaned.
Then, with a frustrated huff, he left.
Somehow, I was able to push everything away and concentrate. Eventually, though, it all caught up to me anyway. I hated how things were between us right now. Every little thing seemed to be annoying us both, and there wasn't anything I could do about it. I didn't want our relationship to be perfect, by any account, but I couldn't stand how we'd managed to let one man from Edward's past come between us.
Because if this was affecting us, then how were we going to be able to get through Chicago, if Edward decided that he still wanted to go? Elizabeth Masen was far worse of a threat than the senior Edward Masen any day.
Edward came back into my room, disrupting my thoughts. He stood there awkwardly, his hand twitching at his side like he was fighting the urge to drag it through his hair.
"I don't like this, Bella. I don't fucking like it at all."
"Me neither."
"What the fuck is with us?" he demanded.
I shrugged. To admit anything I was thinking openly seemed almost like jinxing it.
Stupid, of course, but there it was.
His breath came out sharply just before he closed the distance between us. "Baby... Don't be mad at me."
"I'm not mad at you," I swore.
"Then..."
"You always tell me what you're thinking."
"No, I don't."
"You do. You might not want to, but you tell me."
His jaw clenched. "I just feel really fucking stupid about it."
"Why?"
"Because I- Fuck, I don't know, Bella." He sat down beside me. "I was just realizing how being all sentimental and shit with you makes me feel..."
He let out a growl.
"Vulnerable, weak, exposed."
I gaped at him.
"I can dig a thesaurus out and find some more synonyms for it if you'd like."
I shoved at his chest, trying not to smile. "Seriously, Edward. You shouldn't feel that way with me."
"It's not you, Bella." He fell back against my pillow and covered his eyes with his arm. "It's the fact that I've let you in more than anyone else. That you see everything about me now. There's nothing you don't know about me; fuck, you even know the things in my past that I haven't had the balls to say out loud yet. And as much as I want you to know it all, as much as I trust you, it still scares the absolute fucking piss out of me sometimes."
"Your pants look dry to me."
He moved his hand away to glare at me. "Now who's not being serious?"
"Sorry."
"So am I. I've been used to keeping people out for so long... I don't know. It's like the last of my old self is being peeled away by admitting that I'm not actually as tough as I'd like to fucking think I am."
"I think you are." I slid up next to him and let my hand drift over his torso. "I happen to think you're pretty badass."
He snorted with laughter. "Fuck off, Bella."
"You fuck off, Edward," I retorted playfully and snuggled up against him.
"So we're okay?"
"Why wouldn't we be?"
His shoulder jerked up under my head. "Because this is the most we've fought in... ever."
"It wasn't really fighting, though. We're pretty tame compared to some people. I mean, the neighbors aren't complaining. Not even about Jasper and Alice's arguments."
"Thank fuck." He shifted beside me, and let his hand come up to the skin exposed at my waist. "Want to do the whole make-up sex thing now?"
"If you're not going to tease me like you did before."
"Think of it as payback for all the times you've gotten me hard and haven't been able to finish me off."
"It's not like I'm purposely doing it!" I replied, giving him a look.
His answering smile was wicked. "Still."
For a fleeting moment, I thought of rolling away and not giving him what he wanted, but with the way he was staring at me and the words "finish me off" still echoing in my mind, it was just that: a thought.
I sat up a little, pushing his shirt up so that I could see his scars before I dipped my head down to trail kisses over every last one, something I'd wanted to do from the first second he let me see them.
Not satisfied, I jerked his shirt over his head and smiled down at him.
"What are you doing?"
"You'll see."
I pulled his shoulder up off the bed to gain access to the exit wound on his back.
One.
Then to its corresponding scar on his chest.
Two.
To the second, round scar. The one that would have killed him had he so much as flinched.
Three.
I licked up the line that divided his sternum, realizing that mine would look like it as years passed.
Four.
"See, you are tough," I murmured against his skin. His breath came out in a rush, and I stole a glance at him to make sure he was okay.
His teeth had a hold of his bottom lip, and his face was screwed up with something I couldn't decipher. But his eyes...
They were how I knew he was still with me.
My mouth continued to move over him, until I was unbuttoning his fly and pushing his jeans down his legs. His hips bucked up into my hand as I wrapped it around him, a groan working its way out of chest as I kissed every part of his body but where he wanted my mouth the most.
Then in some twisted form of deprivation, my phone rang.
"Motherfucker," Edward hissed, "ignore it."
I wanted to. God, I wanted to. But something nagged at me to answer it.
Resigned, he blindly reached out for the phone and tossed it toward me. I fumbled for it, and checked the display as soon as I had it in my grasp.
I glanced up at Edward, watching all the blood drain out of his face - his hands making quick work to redress himself - as I did.
And I had to say it, give him confirmation of what he already knew... what he was practically panicking over that very second.
"It's Charlie."