*waves quickly* Ok, things are hectic so I'm gonna make it short and sweet. Thank you, thank you, thank you for everything. Dear Maggie is up for Fic of the Week again over on The Lemonade Stand. My God, you people amaze me. It's up with some of my own favs this time. So go vote...
www. tehlemonadestand . blogspot. com
Thanks to Stratan for the beta'age. Thanks to stephk0525, claireoth, and twilover76 for prereading.
In case you're wondering, this fic will likely wrap up at ch 38. I already have a partial 36 written, and the epi is done. I just don't see it being much longer than that. But there may, quite possibly, be some futuretakes after it's all said and done. There are a couple of scenes I'd like to do. I just need to find the time :)
Chapter 32
Edward
"Dead?" I shouted. "How could he be-?"
I broke off with a curse, knocking the first thing of substance I could find off of Bella's desk - one of her textbooks. It fell to the floor with a muffled thunk, and then I kicked it out of the way so I could pace the length of the room.
Dead. The word kept bouncing around in my head and caused something strange to bubble up inside me. It took my breath, had my entire body quaking. It made me sick to my stomach, and all at once, I had to stop and brace myself against the wall so I didn't fucking heave all over Bella's bedroom.
"When?" I asked between my teeth.
I could hear the chief's sigh come through the speaker. "Edward, I-"
"When?"
"Eighteen years ago." Another sigh. "Listen, I'm going to quickly run through all I know about it, which isn't much. I haven't had time to dig into specifics, and I didn't know if it was even something you wanted..."
"Good, because I don't want it," I assured him.
"Okay," Charlie said quietly. "Cause of death was listed as melanoma. Coroner's report states that it had metastasized to... It doesn't really matter, does it?"
"Nope."
"Didn't think so. I don't have much else. I do know that when he died, Maggie was put into foster care."
"Maggie lived with him?" I croaked.
"Seems so. I can find more out about it if you-"
"No."
Silence.
"Edward, I think you need to know."
My eyes shifted to Bella. "Why? Why should I waste my time finding everything I can about him? The fucker is gone now. And when he was alive... I mean, he took his daughter but left his son... With that... that bitch."
"But you said your mom wasn't always like that," she reasoned. "How was he to know?"
"How was he to know," I repeated, a strange note in my voice. "He didn't care enough to know. He didn't care enough to want me with them. He never visited, never called... Not even when he knew he was dying. There was nothing from him. Not an apology or-"
The pacing resumed.
"Dad, let me call you back tomorrow, okay?" I heard Bella whisper into the receiver.
The chief's muffled response came back immediately, and then Bella groaned.
"Come on. You just told him that his father's been dead for most of his life. Cut him some slack."
The phone flopped to the bed, and she regarded me quietly.
"Why does this fucking matter to me?" I asked her, not expecting any kind of answer. "I haven't wanted anything to do with him in years, and now that I find out he's dead, I feel..."
What the fuck was it that I felt? Remorse? Anger? Goddamned curiosity?
"Why didn't Elizabeth take her after he died?" I demanded. "Why didn't he take me? It's not like he went far or anything. Apparently, the bastard stayed in Illinois."
"Baby..."
"Damn it!" I fumed. "The fact that he's gone shouldn't make a difference. None of it should make a difference now."
"But it does."
"Why is that, huh?"
"I don't know. Because before he was just some asshole who wasn't worth your time, and now he's not only that, but he's also a dead asshole. Someone you'll never get to shout at like this or hear an explanation from," she answered.
"As much as I hate the guy, I wanted to find him. I hoped... Fuck, I hoped we'd find him holed up in some little apartment somewhere and then I wouldn't have to go to Chicago. I wouldn't have to see my mother. Except finding this shit out about him did me absolutely no good. I still have to go back."
My legs gave out from under me, the chair beside me the only thing keeping me from falling flat on my ass.
"You don't have to, Edward. You know that."
I put my face in my hands and focused on calming down. "Right."
"You don't," she argued. "It doesn't matter if you find out the reasons behind it all. Not really. You are who you are in spite of everything that happened. Because of it."
"So I'm just supposed to let it all go?"
"Hasn't Dr. Banner been saying that for months?" she returned.
"I don't... I don't think I can." I swallowed hard. "As scared as I am that I'll be fucked up again after... I need the closure. I need one of them to look at me and tell me why I didn't mean shit to them. How they could abandon me at every chance possible."
She was quiet for a while. "Do you think if you talked to Elizabeth you'd honestly get closure out of it?"
"I don't-"
"Because I'm not so sure. I know you, baby. You live inside that head of yours. Who's to say that by talking to your mom, you won't relive that stuff again and push us all away? You say you're scared... but I don't think you realize that I am too. We all are."
"What are you afraid of?"
"Losing you," she breathed, and my heart sank. "I can't do it again."
xx
The living room was dark. Quiet. I stared at the display of DVDs across the room. On top of the case rested the one DVD I hadn't seen yet, the one I'd avoided for months now.
I chewed on the inside of my cheek and tried to see if maybe I could finally open it. With everything I'd been through, this should have been a fucking cake walk. But for some reason, something always held me back. Maybe it had to do with the fact that seeing a video of my sister, her mannerisms - her smile - was different than seeing posed pictures of her. I'd be seeing her, as she was when she was still alive. A girl I'd never truly get to know.
Or maybe it was just because of me. My shit. My hang-ups.
"Fuck it," I growled and rushed over to snatch the DVD up before I could change my mind.
But I didn't watch it.
I stared at my hands. The wall. The floor. Everything but the blue screen on the TV or the DVD sitting in the tray.
"Hey, you," Bella whispered, padding over to where I sat on the couch. "What are you doing up?"
I shrugged a shoulder and turned the remote over in my hands. All I needed to do was press play. Now that Bella was here, though, I knew I would. I'd push past whatever it was that was keeping me from seeing another piece of my history, my family.
Because she made it so that I could.
She picked up my journal from the coffee table and skimmed her fingers over the page.
"Don't read it. It's fucking stupid," I told her.
She pulled the journal away when I reached out for it, shaking her head as she read, "Darkness creeps over me again, casting a shadow on my soul. It comes closer until it blankets me, suffocating the very part of me I worked so hard to find. It's familiar. It's new. It's a life I didn't want. A death I wish hadn't happened. It's anger... a loathing that's as deep a part of me as what defines the color of my eyes. It's inescapable. It's everywhere I turn. It's grief. And it's mine."
I kept my eyes trained on the wall, having no idea what to say after that. I barely remembered writing it. To hear it out loud...
"This is what you feel? Grief for your father or... Maggie?"
"I told you it was fucking stupid," I snarled defensively.
"It's not. Not at all. I'm amazed that you, of all people, can write out what you're feeling like this."
I huffed, but a smile tugged at my lips.
Smartass.
"Watch this with me?"
"What is it?"
I held up the DVD case so that Bella could see the writing on the front.
Her eyes went wide, snapping to the TV when the video began.
The image shook and whispers were heard off camera. Once steadied, you could see Maggie sitting up on stage, her blonde hair pulled back off of her face, black dress blending in with the piano. A few seconds went by; her hands hovered above the keys, and then the sound of her piece filtered through the speakers.
There was an audible gasp, and I let my eyes drift over to Bella in an effort to get the explanation without actually talking. As ridiculous as it sounded, I didn't want my voice - or any part of me, for that matter - to interfere with the music my sister played.
"Siobhan," she answered in a whisper. "She said she hadn't heard the beginning yet."
My brows knit together.
"It was the hardest for Maggie to write. She wanted to start off almost whimsically, she said, and couldn't ever seem to get it the way she pictured it."
But watching her at the piano, hearing how seamless the music was, made that statement seem wrong somehow. There was no way Maggie struggled to write this, unless she was...
"Fuck, she was a perfectionist, too," I mumbled the second the piece ended.
Bella's eyes shifted to mine. "Too?"
"Something I've kind of realized lately," I answered.
Her lips curved into a little, wry smile. "Took you long enough."
"Shut the fuck up."
She laughed. "So what made you decide to watch this, anyway?"
"I'm not really sure. I couldn't sleep and came in here so I didn't wake you up. It was kind of like your journal, actually. I just let it fucking sit there and taunt me until I couldn't take it anymore."
She nodded, and the sound of an excited giggle made my blood run cold.
"Mom!" At the Carrs' now, Maggie flashed an acceptance letter to the camera. Her green eyes focused on something above the lens. "Can you believe it? I got it. I got it!"
My heart was lodged in my throat; my stomach lurched at the sound of her voice. That voice... I could hear it saying my name, warm and loving. Again, hollow and dead. A voice I hadn't heard in eleven years.
One I hadn't exactly wanted to hear ever again.
"Turn it off," I panted. "Turn it off."
Bella fumbled for the remote but it was too late. I couldn't breathe. Couldn't think. I jumped off of the couch and ran for the kitchen sink, clinging to the edge while I tried to keep from puking everything up. My vision blurred as blood rushed to my head, drowning reality out.
And I was stuck in the closet again, shaking, hiding. Terrified that my stomach would growl and they'd find me. The sound of Elizabeth's drunken laughter rang out, but the beauty I'd once been able to find in it - clung to - had been stripped away now that I knew what her laugh was meant to sound like.
It was so fucking wrong. All of it was.
Suddenly, water was being splashed over my face; cool hands ran over my neck. The roaring in my ears died down, and I could hear Bella murmuring something to me.
Her voice was soothing, dragging me out of my memories.
"Jesus fucking..." My voice cracked, and I shook my head and tried it again. "She sounds like Elizabeth."
She blinked up at me confusedly, her hands holding the washcloth tightly. "Baby, what are you talking about?"
"Fuck, Bella. Elizabeth and Maggie... They have the same voice."
"Same voice, huh?" Dr. Banner asked, his face full of intrigue.
"Yeah. Freaked me the fuck out."
"How do you mean?"
"I uh," fingers through my hair, "had a panic attack. At least, I think that's what it was."
"Think?"
"It was different. I mean, the physical reaction was the same. I couldn't breathe and wanted to hurl everywhere, but the emotional shit was different." I paused, thinking of the best way to describe it. "It was a part of my past that I think about a lot. Not that I want to, but I do. But it wasn't-"
"Let me interrupt for a second, Edward. What were you remembering specifically?"
"One of the many times I hid in the closet as a kid. It... God, Elizabeth would straighten up for a while and pretend like she gave a shit, and then she'd go into this... fucking depression. She'd sit on the couch almost catatonic, and I'd have to take care of myself. Then when she'd finally snap out of it..."
"She binged."
"Yep. On guys, alcohol, drugs - whatever she got her hands on."
"So back to the memory. Why were the emotions different?" he asked.
"I heard her laugh at something from my spot in the closet. I was maybe seven or eight, I think? But after hearing Maggie's laughter, I realized how different it should have sounded. How... even drunk and high, it sounded sad. All the time. Something was wrong with her. And I don't mean just the fact that she was a shitty fucking parent and an addict. There was something seriously wrong with her."
"And?" Dr. Banner prompted.
"I think it's connected to my father."
"How so?"
"I had Bella's dad do some digging."
"Why?"
"I wish I knew," I mumbled.
He studied me for a moment.
"I really don't fucking know," I told him hotly. "I know I said I didn't want to at first, but now, I have this weird urge to find out all about how Maggie ended up all the way in Texas. I can't... I can't explain it. As much as I keep telling myself the reasons don't matter, I still wonder about it. Constantly."
"Okay, so how do you think it's connected to your father?"
"He died when I was five. And Maggie was adopted by her family a few months later. It was all right around the time Elizabeth's behavior changed. Right around the time I lost my mom."
I didn't bother hiding how much that fucking hurt to admit. Dr. Banner would see through the charade anyway.
"I think it's best we stop there," he said gently.
I nodded once.
"How's the journal writing going?"
"I don't know why I started it."
"You said you felt you had to. You don't still feel that way?"
There was a tug at my chest, one I couldn't deny. "Yeah. Unfortunately."
He chuckled. "Having writer's block or something, Edward?"
"No. I write just fucking fine. That's the problem."
He waited for me to elaborate.
Goddamn, I still hated it when he did that.
"It comes out all poetic and shit most of the time. It's stupid."
He put the paper and pen aside and stretched out his hand. "May I be the judge of that?"
I hesitated, thinking very seriously of telling him to go fuck himself, and then realized it was useless. He'd get a hold of it eventually; he always did.
"Fuck, fine."
I passed over the journal and gazed toward the window as he unwrapped the red strap that bound it together and opened it.
I fidgeted nervously as he read it.
"There is some great stuff in here, Edward," he said genuinely, and my eyes shot to his in disbelief. "You've got some talent."
"I do not," I scoffed.
"Don't belittle it," he chastised. "It seems there might be some creative genius that runs in your biological family."
My gaze fell to his feet. "You really think something good can come out of that fucking family tree?"
"Well, you've heard Maggie's work, watched her play. I don't see how there couldn't."
Anger flared inside me for just a moment, before rationality got a hold of me. The genius descriptor was still debatable - on my end, at least. But there was no denying that whatever creativity the two of us had, had been inherited from one of our biological parents.
I set my jaw stubbornly and stared back at Dr. Banner. No way was I admitting that aloud right now.
And maybe not ever.
The rest of the session went by quickly after that. We talked about Bella, my family... normal things. Almost like idle chat, but really, I knew it wasn't. Dr. Banner analyzed everything. I was sure this was just some other way to see how I was progressing.
Hopefully, I was still up to par.
I fired off a quick text to Bella to let her know I was finished, and then grabbed my journal and went to leave. Just when I had my hand on the door handle, the door was shoved open and a tall guy with sandy blonde hair came crashing into me, knocking my journal from my hands.
"Oh, shit!" He darted past me and picked it up. "I'm sorry, dude. I'm so fucking clumsy-"
"It's fine," I answered through my teeth.
And then I took a good look at him.
"I know you," I said slowly. "You go to UDub."
"Yeah. Uh... Ben Cheney." He went to shake my hand, but the journal was still in it. "Oh, fuck. You might want that back, huh?"
My eyebrows shot up with how much I wanted to laugh at the poor bastard.
"Yeah. Thanks." I took it from him and cleared my throat. "I'm Edward Cullen."
The door to Dr. Banner's office opened, and Dr. Banner was brought up short at seeing the two of us in his waiting room.
"I see you've met my stepson, Edward."
"Sorta. The asshole just about knocked me down."
"Fucking snitch," he snorted beside me.
I laughed once.
"So," Ben questioned, rocking on his heels, "are you just as screwed up as the rest of his patients?"
"Ben," Dr. Banner warned.
"Bob," Ben retorted mockingly.
Dr. Banner exhaled sharply. "I'm sorry, Edward. Ben thinks what I do is a joke."
"I don't think what you do is a joke," Ben protested, rolling his eyes. "I make jokes out of it because it pisses you off. And you're hilarious when you're pissed."
"Ah..." I trailed off awkwardly. "My girlfriend's waiting for me to pick up dinner so..."
Ben waved me off lazily. "See you around campus, Cullen. Maybe we can hang or whatever sometime."
"Um... sure?"
I was still scratching my head at what had happened when I reached my car. I unlocked the doors and got inside, reaching into my pocket for my phone as soon as I was seated.
"Hey!" Bella greeted happily. "Change your mind? No Thai tonight?"
"No, that's fine. I uh... I'm just sort of confused, I guess."
"With what?"
"I..." I let out a nervous chuckle and ran my hand over the back of my neck. "Believe it or not, I think I just made that friend you wanted me to have."
Tanya grinned widely as she skimmed over the paper going around the room. She took one for herself, and passed the rest off to me.
"Another patient interview," she said excitedly.
"Goodie," I mumbled sarcastically, practically throwing the papers at the guy sitting beside me.
I hated this part of med school. While everyone else relished getting to learn about examinations and patient interaction, I grew anxious over it. Not because I thought I was going to fuck up - which was highly likely, anyway - but because it reminded me of how fucked up I still was. Having to touch random people was still too much, too...
"Listen up, people," Dr. Isaacs shouted at us. "Interviews begin Monday. Same goals, same standardized patients as before. This time, however, you'll be graded on your ability to interact professionally with substance abuse patients."
My stomach dropped. The rest of the professor's speech faded away.
No. Not yet.
"Edward?" Tanya called out to me. When I didn't answer, she snapped her fingers in front of my face. "Hey, what the hell is with you? Class is over."
I cleared my throat and shoved my shit down into my backpack. "Nothing," I forced out. "It's nothing."
"It's not nothing," she said, frowning.
"I..." I stood up abruptly, flipping the tablet arm up and causing it to clatter down in between the seats. "Fuck. I..."
People were staring at me.
Not that I blamed them. I was acting like a lunatic.
"Don't make me tell Dr. Isaacs you can't cut it."
My eyes narrowed; panic subsided and gave way to anger. "Don't be a fucking bitch."
"If you tell me what's going on, I won't have to."
"It's none of your business."
"When I'm always paired up with some guy because our names happen to fall next to each other in the alphabet, it becomes my problem," she hissed back. "I'm not failing because you're having some kind of nervous breakdown."
"It's not a nervous breakdown," I snarled. "It's... Goddamn it, I'm adopted. My biological mom is an addict, and now I have to get into her type's psyche. I'm allowed to freak out a little over this, Tanya."
She waited a beat, like she was waiting for the punch line to some inconsiderate joke, and then all at once she rushed out with, "I'm sorry. I had no idea. If you need-"
"Just fucking forget it, okay?"
"But-"
"No, Tanya. There's no 'but'. That's what I need you to do for me. Forget it."
I stormed past her and down the steps to where Dr. Isaacs was stacking the rest of the papers up neatly.
"Mr. Cullen," he greeted without looking up, "what can I do for you today?"
"I um... Can I um... wait? Do a substance abuse interview last?"
"Why?"
I shifted on my feet nervously. "I'd rather not say."
He glanced up at me, his brown eyes intense.
And then he sighed. "I've seen your struggles this year. But you always manage to work it out and do well on the assignments. I have every faith that whatever personal issues you have with this, you'll get past, too. So my answer is no. You can learn this particular procedure with the rest of the class."
I ground my teeth together to keep from lashing out at him. A few quick breaths, and I was able to speak normally. "Thanks anyway."
I turned on my heel and headed out the door, stopping when I heard Dr. Isaacs calling after me.
"You have two things going for you, Edward. One is that you have the ability to piece together symptoms and match them with a condition or disease that most wouldn't even think of, and always get it right. Not just occasionally. Always."
"My dad's a family physician in Forks," I explained. "Small town like that keeps him on top of things, you know? We don't have a lot of specialists nearby, and some of his patients would rather not travel unless they absolutely had to. So he has to be well-versed in everything."
He nodded. "The second thing is that you can sympathize with patients in a way that the other students can't."
I blinked once, shocked that he thought that about me. "Uh... Okay?"
He chuckled. "Just keep that in mind when you get frustrated. It's what makes you better than most of the students here. You don't have to learn it, because you already have it. And it's what will make you one hell of a doctor."
My cheeks burned with the compliment. I barely resisted the urge to duck out of the room without acknowledging it but managed to mumble a grateful response before taking off for my next class.
Holy shit, he thinks I'll make a good doctor.
A ridiculous smile stretched wide across my face with that.
Still reeling somewhat, I put my stuff down at a lab table in the back and went to grab a sheep brain from the back, listing off the sections and their functions that I'd spent hours studying over the last few days. I sat back down, checked the board for the specific assignment, and got to work.
"So how are things with Bella?" Tanya asked, sitting down beside me.
I finished scribbling down my answer and glared up her. "Fine."
She moved the tray closer to where she sat.
"Get your own fucking brain," I hissed, and snatched it away from her.
She pouted. "There's only one left, and it's shit."
"Shouldn't have been late."
"That was my fault," Kate chimed in.
"Then you should be the one sharing with her. Not me."
"Mine's shit too, though, Edward. The cerebellum's all..." She trailed off and moved on to identify the next section.
"Christ." I slid the tray over to Tanya. "Hurry the fuck up. I want to get out of here before dark."
"What for?"
I didn't answer.
She let out a frustrated sigh. "You don't always have to be a jackass, you know."
"Actually... yes, I do."
We traded off for the rest of the class until we were finished identifying each part of the brain. I gathered my shit up, turned in my paper, and then threw my coat on as I hurried out of the building, hoping to find Bella near the undergrad library.
She didn't disappoint.
Huddled up next to Alice, she sat at one of the tables going over something in a book, her breath coming out in tiny puffs of fog as she spoke. Garrett came rushing up behind her, startling her when he put his hands on her shoulders and gave her a quick shake. She let out a little shriek and glared up at him, but the bastard just laughed.
"Trouble in paradise?" Tanya asked.
Kate slid up beside her, engrossed in something on her phone.
"Why the hell are you two over here?"
"Relax, would you? We're not stalking you. I promised my sister that I'd meet her at the library. She's working on her first thesis paper, and Kate offered to keep me company while she did some research here."
"Oh."
"Well, is there?"
"With Garrett?"
"If that's the blonde guy getting handsy with your girl, then yeah."
I growled under my breath and stared back over at Bella and Garrett. He sat beside her, enough distance put between him and Bella so that I didn't want to throat punch him.
"There might've been at one time, but now..." I dragged my hand through my hair. "I'm pretty sure he realizes he's stuck in the friend zone."
"He likes her?"
"He used to. I don't know if he still does. I don't talk to the fucker much."
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. He's interested in your girlfriend and you just let him... what? Hang all over her? Make passes when you're not around?"
"It's not like that. He's always been... Fuck, he's always been good for her. I hate it, but there it is."
"Who are you?" she asked incredulously. "You get pissed off at the drop of a hat. How are you not beating the shit out of him right now?"
"I trust her," I answered simply.
"Huh," was all she said back.
"So is he?" Kate interrupted. "Still into your girlfriend?"
"Were you listening to anything I just said?" I snapped back.
"No, not really," she admitted. "I'm smart enough for med school, but can't text and listen to someone talk at the same time. It's pathetic, really."
"It's the hair," Tanya said, holding a piece of Kate's platinum hair up for show.
"Like you're any better!" Kate laughed indignantly.
Jesus fucking Christ.
I rolled my eyes. "You interested or something?"
"He's cute," Kate answered, glancing back over to where he sat. "Really cute."
"If you like that preppy, frat boy kind of thing," Tanya said.
"I do. How old is he?"
"Not the slightest fucking clue."
Her brow quirked.
"He's... I think he's got a year left before he graduates or something. And no, I don't know what his plans are after he does. I don't give a rat's ass."
"So, he's not too young..." She chewed on her lip as she processed that. Then, she straightened up, did some kind of fluffing thing with her hair, and inhaled deeply. "Only one way to find out."
"What are you doing?" I asked dumbly.
"Seeing if he's over your girlfriend or not." She flashed me a smile. "You can thank me later."
"Uh..." Kate rushed over to them, first introducing herself to Bella, and then to Garrett. "Is she serious with this shit?"
"Kate will have a date with him by the weekend," Tanya said knowingly.
"Bullshit."
"Go over and see. I've got to get inside and find Irina anyway."
She left me standing there on the outskirts of the group, watching in fascination as Kate monopolized Garrett's attention. I caught Bella staring at me out of the corner of my eye and gave her a sheepish wave in return.
She grabbed her bag and came over to greet me.
"Did you do that?" she asked, pointing in between Garrett and Kate.
I laughed. "I can only wish to be that conniving, Bella."
She pondered that, her eyes roaming my face, and then nodded. "Want to go? It's frickin' cold out here."
"Actually, I'd kind of like to see what happens."
"WIth Garrett? Why?"
I didn't get to respond because Garrett suddenly stood up, phone in hand, and exchanged numbers with Kate. A few awkward smiles and laughs on Garrett's behalf later, and they parted ways.
"Wow. She wastes no time, does she?"
"Doesn't seem so," I answered, thinking very seriously of running out to the mall and buying Kate some sort of thank you gift.
"You're happy about this, huh?"
"I will be," I conceded. "Once I see it going somewhere other than back to you."
She sighed. "Okay, so you don't have a problem with me being friends with him because you claim it's good for me. But you're just... you're still really distrustful of him? I don't get it."
"Oh, come on, Bella. Just because I don't object to the friendship doesn't mean I'm exactly comfortable knowing the same douchebag Fiji used to be in love with my girl."
"Used to be?"
"It's been months. If he's not over you by now, he's a lost cause. And someone should really put him out of his fucking misery," I finished under my breath.
She heard me anyway.
"Maybe that person could be Kate!" she replied sarcastically.
I smirked down at her and gathered her in my arms. "Who knows? Maybe she can, baby."
I brushed my lips over her forehead and felt her melt into me further.
"Fine," she agreed. "Maybe you'll get lucky and she will."