.
your eyes remind me
of your father's so tell me,
is that what haunts you?
Kelsey Danielle
"Did you get any shit from the coach?"
Caleb glanced at Pogue, before tossing him a bottle of water he'd gone get from the kitchen.
He wasn't thirsty, really. But it'd been easier to make a quick escape, than to just face the other right on.
Pogue had literally followed him from school. It wasn't like they never did that. They did. A lot. But despite the lighter mood in which they'd ended their day, it was still the hardest he'd ever gripped at the wheels, all the way home. Almost like he was running into that truck all over again. He kept glancing at the yellow Ducati from his rear view mirror, and wondering what its driver would think, of what he had to say. He'd even tried to stall. Make sure that Reid was fine, after practice, before getting to the car. But Pogue had waited with him, while he checked on the other with Power, despite the protests.
A bird sang somewhere. And upstairs, Caleb could almost hear the soft breathing of his mother.
It was very quiet that day. In a calm, light aired way. And Caleb thought it was ironic, considering how tense he'd been. So much so, he hadn't noticed it until now. Still he wasn't sure if the silence and tranquility were good things. Not after all these years of learning otherwise.
He'd had so many hopes that things would change for her.
After his father's funeral, the real one, he thought she'd reach some closure. Now he wasn't so confident. He shook his head, at the other's question, after taking a sip of his own water, putting the bottle aside, and taking a seat. He noticed Pogue didn't sit, resting against the side of the opposite couch, instead. But tried to not let that make him too nervous.
"Not much. He just reminded me that if I got into trouble I wouldn't get to compete. And that'd be a shame." he shrugged. He also asked if there was anything wrong going on. He pressed eyebrows as he took a breath to talk. Really they were there to do after all. What they should have done weeks ago.
"Look. Whatever you have to- "The night at Tyler's. I remember it." - say."
Pogue stopped on his tracks.
He stared at Caleb and he could see it in his eyes. The truth, finally. He breathed out, half in surprise. Caleb had been lying to him for so long now. He'd half expected him to lie his ass out again. After he'd taken that day to think. After their talk. He'd made a decision. He'd decided to tell Caleb that he just didn't care. He didn't care if Caleb remembered or not. Which he knew he did. He didn't care why he'd done it. He didn't care if Caleb needed to keep denying it. He didn't need Caleb to explain it to him. Some things were just better unsaid. He just wanted things to go back to the way they were. He just wanted Caleb back. He just wanted his friend to stop being so damn embarrassed and awkward around him, all the time. It'd been a kiss. 'Wasn't exactly that horrifying, for Caleb to keep punishing himself like that.
He knew his friend. He knew how he liked to take the blame for every damn thing under the sun. And it was stressful just to watch. Much more being the cause of it. He didn't need Caleb to play martyr for him. He never did. And he wished he could drill that into that thick head o'his.
"I remember it." Caleb cut in. More confident now. He'd almost felt everything crack around them when he spoke first. Like the swaying of piled up thoughts, so carefully put together. The way Pogue was staring at him, as if he was trying to make sure his eyes, or ears?, weren't fooling him. Somehow, instead of making him more nervous, it made him stronger. He needed Pogue to hear it. So he could start fixing the mess he'd made. "What I said. The kiss." He panted for a moment, feeling his brain fuzzy as he said that out loud for the first time. But swallowed the feeling down. "Everything. But it won't change anything. I don't want it to change anything. I don't even know why I did it." He pressed fingers into his hair, more exasperated than nervous. "I just. I'm sorry. For kissing you like that. I was drunk and stupid. It was stupid getting that plastered in the first place."
Pogue sighed out. Caleb had stolen his words right out of his mouth. Just like he always did. And the long haired boy smiled lightly as he let himself fall sat, after all, with a dramatic puff. Grabbing his bottle again to drink some more.
"Yeah. Look. All I wanted to say that I don't care either. Honest." He said, with a shrug. Caleb glanced up at him, eyes focused so intensely, it made Pogue snort. Somewhat bitterly. "I knew you remembered it, the next morning, man. 'Was all over your face." and your damn walk of shame, "Why did you think I was so pissed, you kept that bullshit on? Just didn't know how to say that I don't really care, I guess." He shrugged again. "But thing is, I thought about it. You kissed me. You were drunk out of your ass. Doesn't really matter. I get it. Okay? What happened with Chase-" Caleb shook his head, but Pogue was going to say it, "-It was fucked up. It fucked me up. And I'm pretty sure it fucked you up more." He waved his hand at the other's attempt to say anything. "You thought I was dying or something. Even though, I'm pretty pissed you thought I was such a pansy. But whatever. You earned your fair share of stupid things to do."
Caleb nodded. Smiling lightly down, though he didn't know what was that bitter-sweetness that came with it. This was what he wanted. Wasn't it? It was definitely more than he could ask for. That Pogue didn't think he was weird. And wasn't telling him to stay away. He just wanted to move past it. They both did.
"Just. Stop torturing yourself, man." Pogue's eyes softened as his tone got more serious. "I mean it. It's driving us crazy. Not just you. So just cut it out." He pressed his lips. Caleb sighed.
"Yeah. I'll. Do my best." he agreed, with a nod. He looked at Pogue and pressed his thick lips. Not sure how to ask what he wanted to know. 'Why were you so pissed today?'
Pogue put the bottle down and pressed eyebrows lightly.
"The Abbot stuff?" Caleb nodded. Pogue glanced down, with a huff. "I get it. You know. Why do you do it." Their eyes met, and something on the seriousness in Pogue's eyes made Caleb swallow dryly down. "I get that you feel like you have to make up for all your father's shit." all your mother's shit too. "I just wished you got into your head that you don't need to." Caleb's eyebrows furrowed, pained but Pogue just went on. "I mean it, man. That shit with Chase. Caleb, you got out alive for a damn miracle. You weren't supposed to. And you knew that."
Caleb flinched.
"I had hope."
"Don't even. You can't pull that with me. I know you. You saw how fucked up I was. You knew you couldn't beat him. But instead of staying away like I told you to. You went right into his game."
"What else was I supposed to do?" Caleb chimed in, voice splintered. Sorrow-filled eyes, covered up with anger. "You were gone. Alright? " You were gone. "Tyler and Reid" and Sarah "looked at me. And I knew they were expecting me to do something. Anything. And I did." He was panting. And he barely realized he'd gotten to his feet. " I did what I had to do, to keep them safe." All of you. He struggled with exasperation, as he turned his back on Pogue. Running hands through his hair in a tight grasp. There were so many more words he wanted to say. So many of them choked in his throat. And if he kept looking at the other, he just might say them all. He couldn't do that. I did my best.
Pogue just stared at his nape, waiting a few seconds for him to calm down before asking, serious.
"Caleb, man. Did you really think he was gonna stop, after you?"
No.
Caleb strained. He had hoped no one would ever ask him that. But he should've known that Pogue would. When he had told him everything, told them everything, Pogue had been quiet. So quiet. Caleb could see with his new eyes, how everything was storming around him, but he hadn't said a word. Part of him always knew they'd end up here eventually. He knew the others had thought it too. At least, Tyler. Always so smart. But he should've known that Pogue would be the one to speak out.
"I didn't know what else to do." He admitted, in a breath.
Pogue swallowed at how raw his voice sounded. So pained. He hated to get Caleb to admit this. Caleb was so proud. He hated to make him admit all this. But he knew he had to get it out somehow. He hesitated, not knowing if he should get closer. Caleb turned back to him, before he could get up.
"I did have hope." He insisted, heavily. And he sounded so tired. "Because it was the last damn thing I had. I hoped I could stop him. And I couldn't put anyone else in risk to do it. I just had- I just had to try. I thought." He swallowed, painfully. "I thought I at least could fuck him up enough to give you guys time..."
'To run.'
Caleb nodded, rigidly at Pogue's mental words.
He didn't realize how tightly he was balling his fists up, until Pogue got up and crashed their bodies in a hug.
Caleb didn't resist it. He let air out, worn down, and buried his face onto Pogue's shoulder. Pogue held him tight, an arm around his torso, another over his shoulder, crossing on his back. Just like he did since they were kids. A hand secured on the back of his head. His own arms moved slowly, before resting around his friend's frame, as he felt like his whole body'd been scrubbed raw.
He thought he'd never have to admit it. That he did know he'd die. That he knew he couldn't stop Chase. But that he'd just hoped he'd go in an explosion massive enough to hold Chase back. To weaken him down. To give his friends time to run. He'd even prepared a spell. Should he die, they would get a last message from him. Reid, Ty, his mother. Telling them to run. Telling them everything. Telling them to take Pogue. To save him. To please save him. To please save themselves. To stay alive.
He squeezed his eyes shut, as Pogue didn't pull away, and just breathed in. Pogue's scent of eucalyptus and pine, brushed by the wind, filling him up without notice. He'd been so fucking terrified, though he'd never bent down to it. He'd never given in, not for a second. Thoughts focused on the image of Pogue's face whenever he wavered. Forcing himself to imagine Reid or Ty like that. Because being sick to his stomach was better than being scared.
It gave him strength. Rather than make him want to curl up and hide. Because he could never do that. He could never live with himself if he did that. Because Pogue wasn't there to help him figure out what to do. To plan with him. But he still had to give everything he could to protect them. Even without a plan. Even if it meant to give himself over entirely.
When Pogue did pull back, it was just so he could look at him. Both hands holding his broad shoulders tight. Almost painfully so. But it felt good. Real. He felt grounded.
Part of him wanted to scream. What were you thinking? The same words from earlier echoing inside his head. He had begged Caleb to stay away from Chase. He had told him they couldn't take him. But he knew Caleb. He knew he couldn't have expected anything else from him. Just like no one could have expected him to stay calm when Chase had put a spell on Kate. He wasn't going to yell at him. Caleb looked broken and weary, and Pogue just needed one thing.
"Don't ever do this again. Get it?" He said, fiercely. "I don't care if fucking Darth Vader comes after us. Hey." he pulled his attention back, when Caleb let out a bitter snort, and looked away. He squeezed his shoulders tighter, so the other would look at him again. "I mean it. Next time. We're gonna make a freaking plan. And we're gonna do it, together. Alright?" He swallowed. His own promise that he wouldn't rush into another trap, no matter who they hurt, hanging in the air.
Caleb was quiet for a moment. But then nodded slowly.
'I promise.'
Pogue jerked their bodies into another hug, hitting his back in comforting, and squeezing him in before letting go.
Caleb felt a little light headed. Just as all the pressure was gone, and he wasn't sure what to do without it. It wasn't really. But it did make a hell of a difference to talk about this. To have Pogue back.
"By the way. You're a slop of a kisser."
He blinked.
"I was drunk!"
"Drunk? You were all over the place!"
Pogue snorted, and Caleb chuckled. Shaking his head, and trying not to laugh as Pogue bumped their shoulders, passing him towards the living room.
"Really hope you have better game with Sarah, man."
"You know, I really don't know why I'm still friends with you."
"Oh. Wanna go back to fighting, is that it?"
o:o:o
Only after their second movie, Caleb decided to ask.
"You thought what you gonna do, about Kate?"
Pogue twisted lips, shaking his head as he shove a handful of popcorn into his mouth.
"Haven't. To be honest, I don't know what I wanna do." They had time, didn't they? Wasn't like he was proposing to her tomorrow or anything. Wasn't like they were dying again. "I need time. This is all just. I'm ascending soon. I don't know. I wanted to wait at least that much."
Caleb nodded, and Pogue offered him a wry smile.
"I know Sarah's been pressuring you up on that. Sorry, man."
"Sarah." Caleb sighed, as he brushed his face, shrugging. "Sarah'll have to understand. This might be hard for her, but it's not her decision. I'll just tell her to wait till your birthday, for now."
"Thanks, Cay."
He smiled, lightly. The fondness of the nickname being used so strain-free, after such a good while, making his armed up posture loose.
"You're welcome." He shrugged. "Just because I decided to tell, it doesn't mean you all have to do the same. I did what I had to do. If all that hadn't happened, maybe I wouldn't have. Not that soon, anyway."
"Why did you?" Caleb glanced up at him, and Pogue licked his lips as he tried to explain. "I mean. I get it. But. What. What made you decide to do it?" If he knew. Could it help him decide whether or not to tell Kate? Did he even want to know?
"I guess I just. Felt like I owed it to her. You know?" He shook his head, his glance at Pogue showed him how focused the other seemed on his answer. So he decided to elaborate. "Kate was dying. You were..." He pressed lips. "Chase had threatened her." He shook his head. "At the end she already knew. I just confirmed it. Explained it. I guess I just thought, what the hell. I was meeting Chase that night. Not sure if I'd be back." He shrugged. "I thought she had the right to know who, or what, was threatening her life. Felt like the least I could do. And I trusted her."
"Yeah." Pogue pressed lips as he stared at the screen, blankly. Did Kate too? Did she have the right to know what had threatened her life?
"Cay."
"Mmh."
"How was it?"
Caleb frowned.
"Telling her?"
Pogue shook his head lightly, and Caleb almost immediately knew what he'd meant to say.
"You know. Ascending and all."
"Crazy."
Pogue looked at him, but Caleb seemed to be somewhere else. Re-living something.
"It was just... One moment all I was thinking of, was trying to stay alive. Just a little longer. I knew Chase- He was too strong. He didn't want to kill me yet. But he was so out of control. And then it just..." he faltered, looking for words to say. "It hurt." He confessed. "Ridiculously so. But it was like I wasn't all there, you know? I could feel it, but it was also like watching it happen. Just. It was like that bolt we got at thirteen. Times thousands. Everywhere. Not just in the head, stomach, chest. Just everywhere." and then for a moment, he didn't exist. He was Power, and the Power was him. And he felt like he could glimpse every other life the Power had ever lived. In which it had ever been.
"So good, and bad."
Caleb refocused at Pogue's quiet statement, and nodded.
"Yeah. Felt like if someone poked me, I'd fall apart. But also, that I could move a finger and bend time or something. Then it was over. And I just knew I could take Chase then. 't least I knew I had a chance. I knew he wouldn't kill me that easy." I could see everything. But he wasn't ready to tell Pogue that, just yet.
"Is it different? Resisting?"
Caleb glanced at him, and his lips curled wearily.
"Yeah." He answered smoothly, though his tone was grave. "It's not like an itch. Like before. You can just literally feel it wanting to be used." That was it, wasn't it? "It's not even you resisting the urge to use. It's more like giving in." - "Hey. You know you won't be alone. Right? I'll be here. We'll be here. We'll help each other." He said, ante Pogue's quietness. The other looked at him, then relaxed a little, before nodding.
"Yeah." He agreed, before nodding to the tv. "So. We gonna watch your chick flick or what?"
"It's not- Whatever, man." Caleb shook his head, but Pogue just snorted and passed him the popcorn, which he took. Trying to convince a warlock that supernatural movies were not chick-flicks, even if they knew they were real (somewhat), was a waste of time.
o:o:o
The credits were almost over when Caleb realized he'd fallen asleep. A quick look let him know that Pogue was far gone as well. He turned the tv off and cleaned everything up, filling the washer, before he tapped Pogue's arm and convinced him to go up to the guest room. Pogue's room, in a way.
His mind was still filled with their talk from earlier.
After getting to his own bed, his eyes stayed on the ceiling, refusing to shut down.
I get that you feel like you have to make up for all your father's shit. I just wished you got into your head that you don't need to.
Didn't he, though? His father had ruined the circle of their parents. His addiction had drove that generation of the coven down. Pogue's father, unable to watch William run dry, had even left. The Garwins had divorced. And although the Simms had kept their family whole, they had also isolated themselves from the rest of the coven. It was why everything had gone so out of sync. Like their births. Tyler being the last one, almost two years too late, because of the Power isolation, that his father had created. Only after they were born the bonds restarted to heal. Even if the parents had wanted to be stubborn, the Power was too strong. It called the kids to one another. Making them sick and vulnerable if they were kept apart for months. And they would have never found that out the hard way. If his father hadn't gone rogue like he did.
I'm not like my father. He kept telling his mother that. And her answer was always the same. That's what your father used to say. Was that his destiny? The Danvers' destiny? Growing up, finding the Book of Damnation, reading it, had been such a relief. It'd proved to him that the Danvers had been leaders. Heads of the coven. The reason the Covenant stayed alive through Witch Hunt. It had given him purpose. To reestablish his family to its rightful place. The Danvers had taken charge when the Putnams were stricken out of the coven. And Caleb had kept them safe, by eliminating the Putnam threat, yet again. So why didn't he feel like it was enough? He'd thought that after that night, he'd finally feel like he'd proven himself enough. But something inside him. Detached from his conscious thoughts. Something deeper, something rooted and carved into his own nature, kept telling him this wasn't right. That the coven wasn't entirely safe. That this wasn't how it was supposed to be.
He sighed as he sat up and brushed the headache in his temples. He tried to focus on the good. Pogue was back. He could feel his presence next door. He remembered when they were younger, having entire mental conversations with him even through the walls. It was how they got so good at it. Training. Forcing their Power to expand and recognize each other. Now he could feel it effortlessly. Specially after the ascension. If he closed his eyes and focused hard enough, he could even feel a little of what Pogue was feeling. Like his mind was pouring an inch into his friend's one. He could tell that he was sleeping now. While he, himself, was kept wide awake.
All I wanted to say that I don't care either. Honest.
He didn't care. After all that self inflicted anxiety, Pogue was cool with it. Caleb couldn't fit it in his head. It felt amazing. But he couldn't understand why his friend would give him that concession. Caleb had kissed him. And not even in a chaste way either. He remembered it. Remembered enough to know that Pogue had tasted like beer and honey at the same time. Remembered enough to recall the feeling of clasping his fingers around Pogue's hair and tugging it down. To recall the vibration of his own lips against Pogue's answering groan. And also enough to remember that if he'd been just a little more sober, Pogue would have kissed him again. It was the last thing he remembered. Pogue leaning in, after staring at him for what it felt like hours. And then stopping. And everything went black. He frowned. He should be happy about this. Not... Frustrated.
He tried to think about Sarah. But all he could think about was how mad she'd be that they still couldn't tell Kate.
He groaned at himself and shook his head, dropping out of bed, to his feet. He needed some water, and possibly to hit his head on something, so he could sleep tonight. Maybe some pain killers too. He added as he brushed his forehead. Where had that headache come from? He hadn't been that achy when he was cleaning up their mess at the living room. He scratched his nape and blinked heavily as he tried not to make noise, walking down the hall.
A scream filled the house from the roots to the roof.
Pogue stirred in his sleep. Feeling it like a cold stream up his blood, even before he heard it. But his heart still almost fell off his mouth when it came.
It took him only a second to realize he'd woken up, and that the scream hadn't been in his dreams.
'Where are you?'
"What the-" Pogue stopped running at the stop of the stairs.
"Fuck!"
He hurried down as Caleb cursed at the bottom of the steps. His fingers quick to reach and check as soon as he got there, making sure he was in one piece. Eyes immediately averting to search for a threat afterwards.
"Was that you?"
"No. I heard it too." Caleb was panting as he shook his head. Trying to keep the movement slow. He had a split lip, his head was ringing, and he could tell his body was bruising, but otherwise he was fine. Despite his heart still beating on his ears. "It scared the hell out of me."
"And you fell off the stairs?!" Pogue asked, frowning. He was still holding both Caleb's biceps, without taking notice, eyes still alert and searching.
"No. I saw something. Then I fell."
Pogue tensed.
"What was it?"
He could count their both heartbeats, as Caleb's arms tensed under his finger's grasp.
"Chase. I saw Chase, Pogue."
o:o:o
Eventually, Caleb convinced Pogue that he didn't need a hospital that night.
Pogue helped him up to his bed, and insisted on staying the night in the same room at least. Caleb convinced him to take the bed, instead of the divan and that was where he was now, sprawled and sleeping by his side. Caleb glanced at him. Pogue had only slept after Caleb'd pretended to, himself. He shook a little as he remembered what he'd seen. He saw Chase, but it was a shadow of him. A pale, sick, shadow of him. Almost like the darkling, but not. At the moment, it had scared him so bad, he stumbled back, and that was when he fell off the stairs. He squeezed his eyes closed, and cursed in his mind. He was about to shift, when, instead, he felt Pogue reaching for him. He glanced at him again, but his friend hadn't even opened his eyes, as he wrapped his arm around his torso. Head lying by his own, on the pillow. Caleb sighed and turned his head into Pogue's forehead, closing eyes again. And this time, he fell asleep, shortly after.