Here's one big review reply for you all: I, apparently, am an over-thinking dumbass and should not have been worried when I posted 36.
I love every last one of you for pointing it out.
Thank you for all the feedback on it. It meant a lot to me. Thanks to Stratan for the beta work; stephk0525, twilover76, and claireoth for the prereading.
Chapter 37
Bella
The lobby of the hotel was busy with people milling about, making it nearly impossible to see the entrance clearly. Signs posting details and directions for a conference were scattered around, and there was luggage sitting all over the place. I searched for a place to sit and came up empty, and for just one split second, I wished I'd have waited to come down.
But that was impossible. Being inside that room alone, with nothing but the TV for noise, and knowing Edward would be here in a matter of minutes made me entirely too anxious. I couldn't sit still, felt my palms sweat. Even my denervated heart was accelerated thanks to all the adrenaline in my system.
The worst part about it, though, was the knowing that Elizabeth was coming with him. That he'd wanted me to meet her.
I couldn't understand why. Why, after everything, he was letting her see anything of his life.
I took a deep breath and tried to quell my thoughts. He'd explain when he got here.
So I'd just have to wait.
Waiting, however, was not my strong suit.
I slumped against the wall, keeping my eyes trained on the doors. People, in and out. In and out. Not one of them were recognizable, not one of them who I was looking for. It was maddening, the waiting, and I bounced my foot against the floor in an effort not to scream out in frustration.
And then finally, he walked through the door.
I jumped up and rushed toward him, this little bubble of feeling that had been lodged in my chest expanding and expanding until I couldn't breathe. No one else mattered; the rest of the world faded away. He was all I could see.
He saw me moving toward him and smiled. That smile was more reassuring than anything I could have ever imagined. It let me know he was, in fact, fine. And that he was just as happy to see me as I was him.
I threw myself at him and listened to his chuckle sound against my ear. I sobbed, clung tighter. He enveloped me in his arms and murmured something indiscernible in the hum of the crowd.
"You didn't see anyone?" I managed against his skin.
"No, baby, it was all kind of..." His shoulder jerked up once beneath me. "I don't know. Anticlimactic?"
I shook my head. "No. It was what you needed. Anything more and I'd probably be meeting back up with you at the hospital when they admitted you to the psych ward."
He laughed once. "Dr. Banner was right, though. It was rough, but I needed to do it alone. I needed to see it for what it was."
"I'm sorry."
"It's okay. I know the truth now."
"Which is?"
He moved to set me down, taking his thumbs and swiping them across my tear-stained cheeks. It was then I saw the redhead standing next to him.
She was little. Alice-like little. Her hair was curly, trapped in a messy bun at the nape of her neck. It was brighter than Edward's, but still somehow looked the same. Not a freckle spotted her skin, and I realized that she'd probably been unimaginably gorgeous at one point in time.
Now she just seemed so average.
Watery green eyes flickered between us, and as Edward's fingers intertwined with mine, she made a face, an expression I'd seen Maggie make before in one of the Carrs' home movies. In a blink it was gone, contorted with something else as her eyes dropped to my chest.
I curled against Edward, instinctively feeling like I needed to hide the evidence from her, his words echoing in my mind.
She knows.
Her breath hitched and she took a step forward. Pressed against Edward now, I watched her in near panic. I didn't know anything about this woman, and what I did, wasn't good.
To be honest I was pretty terrified of her.
Then she reached out, her cool, dry hand cupping my jaw, causing my already pounding heart to stutter. She seemed ready to burst into tears, but kept a tight leash on her emotions, and I was immediately reminded of Edward, though he was so much better at hiding the turmoil inside him.
One rogue tear fell and that was all.
"You're beautiful," she said, shocking me to the point that I felt frozen in place.
Hearing her voice was like sitting in front of the TV and watching Maggie all over again. No wonder Edward had had such a strong reaction the first time he'd heard Maggie speak.
It was nearly identical.
"I'm glad you uh..."
She dropped her hand, and my head cocked to the side in consideration. Maybe Edward was more like his mother than he'd realized. Maybe he'd gotten nothing but good from her.
Edward shifted next to me, taking his free hand and running it through his hair. "We should probably go..." His eyes darted around and I almost laughed at how adorably awkward he was all of a sudden. How awkward they both were.
Genes were such funny things.
"The restaurant?" I asked and pointed in its direction. My eyes landed on Elizabeth. "Would you want to eat something?"
She seemed surprised that I was addressing her. After a moment's hesitation, she nodded and gave me a small smile. "I could eat."
We were seated at a booth along the side. Edward and I took one seat; Elizabeth sat in the other. I glanced around and frowned, abruptly realizing that it was just the three of us.
"Where are Emmett and Jasper?"
"Upstairs. They didn't want to intrude."
"They wouldn't intrude."
He shrugged. "I'm kind of glad to be honest. To have them see all that shit..." His eyes slid to Elizabeth and back again. "I'm not sure how I feel about it still, I guess."
"Who..." Elizabeth brought her water up to her lips, took a small sip, and tried again. "Who are they to you, exactly?"
"My brothers," Edward answered.
Her brows lifted and she nodded. "That's... that's good."
She brought her hands off the table, and I watched them shake as they disappeared from sight. I stared at her, trying to picture her doing drugs and needing a... What would Edward call it?
A fix.
But I couldn't. She didn't seem the druggy type. Which was so confusing.
Her hands came up once more, and she started playing with her napkin. My jaw came unhinged.
She was scared.
"What um..." I cleared my throat and tried to find a way to fill the strange silence around us. "Is there anything you want me to tell you?"
She looked up at me then. "Anything you feel comfortable telling me."
I turned to Edward to figure out where to begin.
He was useless, his face unreadable.
"Well, let's start with something easy," I offered. "I've been dating Edward since September."
"May."
My head snapped in his direction again. "You can't count that."
"Did you see anyone else? Because I sure as fuck didn't."
"Well, no, but you didn't want anything to do with me."
"Think of it as one big, drawn out fight."
The playfulness of his voice had me giggling, and I could see that even Elizabeth was entertained with us.
So maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.
"Where do you go to school at?" Elizabeth asked me. Edward. I had no idea.
"We can tell her this kind of stuff, right?"
Edward scrutinized her face for a moment. "Yeah. We can."
I sighed in relief, feeling like the proverbial ice was finally broken.
"We both go to the University of Washington. It's in Seattle."
"What are your majors?" she asked eagerly.
And so our late lunch went. Elizabeth ate, asked questions, learned things about us and our lives together that I thought neither of us would ever tell her. She asked about the Cullens, my family. Edward eventually seemed to want to know a few things about her too, like what she'd done after rehab - hello, shocked again - and a few other details about her life after. I could sense he wanted to know more, but didn't know where to begin. Or maybe he was talking himself out of it. It seemed that he'd accepted whatever Elizabeth had told him earlier but wasn't making a great effort to keep her in his life.
Which, I hated to admit, I was happy about. I was so worried she'd hurt him again...
"Why do you still live in that apartment?" Edward asked abruptly. "I mean, if you went to school, why are you there of all places...? Waitressing?"
He huffed in annoyance with himself, so I reached out and ran my hand over his thigh.
His eyes met mine and he smiled warmly.
"Let me rephrase that. You have a house from when you were married to my father still in your name," he said, leaning forward. "Which I don't think I want the backstory on, to be honest. But that's... digression. You're a recovering addict and you live in that apartment complex with those people. I don't get it."
"I..." She trailed off and looked away again. Her breath came out in a rush, and she slumped forward a little. "I was waiting for you."
Whoa.
Edward straightened up and stared at her for enough time that I started to fidget.
"Why?" he demanded harshly.
"I don't know," she responded timidly. "I knew you wouldn't want me to... But I couldn't go. I just couldn't."
"And now?"
She shrugged.
"I think you should," I interjected. "Be happy."
Edward looked at me like I'd lost my mind.
It was possible that I had, but she just seemed so... nonthreatening. And if I was fitting the pieces of the puzzle together correctly, she'd left Edward to better herself. Not abandon him as it was so widely assumed.
"I think I might," she answered hesitantly. "I've always loved the lake house, and I have some money saved up to fix it up a little. I could move there, I guess."
She stared at Edward, waiting for a response.
"It's your house," he finally said. "You do what you want with it."
I couldn't tell, but she seemed... disappointed with that answer.
"I've gotta piss," he mumbled in my ear randomly.
I nodded and watched him disappear down a hallway across the lobby. When I was sure I had a good two or three minutes alone with Elizabeth, I turned back toward her.
"What exactly is it you want from him?"
She blinked a few times. "Nothing."
"It's not 'nothing'. I see the way you're looking at him, and I... I don't want to be rude, but you don't know how he was when we first met. How... angry he was all of the time. He had this guard up to keep people away. He barely trusted his family with the details of what happened before he was adopted, refused to have anything to do with me because I was linked to his past through Maggie..."
I stopped to take a sip of water, much like she had done earlier. It was the only thing I could think of to keep myself from lashing out at her. All I wanted to do was protect Edward from this.
It was no wonder Dr. Banner had suggested I hang back.
"I understand that what you did wasn't intentional. But the damage is done. It's something he struggles with every day. I'm not going to let you screw him up again with some dream of a reunion."
"I don't dream of a reunion," she replied, and I cocked my brow in disbelief. "I don't. But he's my son. I just want to make sure he's okay before he walks out of my life again, even though I don't have the right-"
"You don't have the right," I agreed. "Not after everything you put him through."
She looked ready to cry, so of course I had to qualify my statement. God forbid I hurt anyone's feelings.
"He's fine, though. More than fine, really. It's like..." I grimaced at the thought of Edward hearing what I was about to say, but said it anyway. "I am who I am because of everything that happened to me. The same goes for Edward, his life in Chicago."
I glanced over at the lobby again, knowing my time was short.
"Maggie too," I continued. "And you know what's crazy about them? They didn't know each other or have anything remotely similar to the same life growing up. Yet still, they both wound up being two of the most amazing people I've ever been in contact with.
"Edward has this theory about genetics and the effects they have on a person. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally, even. In all the time I've known him, he's always focused on the negatives and never once seen the positives. I see the positives, though. I see every attribute he shares with Maggie. They're both kind, loyal, caring. Edward loves so fiercely, Elizabeth. Maybe it's because he knows what it's like to have no one and doesn't take us for granted. But maybe, just maybe, it's something else, too. Maybe it has to do with you and their father and what they inherited from you. Something that is bone deep and can't be explained any other way than they were simply born like that. Because how else do you explain how similar Edward is to a sister he never knew?"
"You can't," Edward said from behind me, and I jumped at being caught.
I gazed up at him sheepishly and felt a blush rise to my cheeks. "Sorry."
He shook his head and sat down, keeping his eyes locked on the table. And I started to worry. I couldn't tell if I'd crossed some kind of line and angered him or if he was just trying to process it all.
Finally, his gaze found mine, and a smile quirked at his lips. "I love you, you know. And all your idiotic theories."
"They're only idiotic because you refuse to believe them. Which is exactly what I was explaining to her."
He shrugged, his eyes alight with amusement. "Who knows, Bella? Maybe one of these days I will."
We stood outside the hotel waiting for a cab to take Elizabeth back home. Edward was acting strange, bristling at the slightest comment, tensing when a stranger got too close to him. He latched onto me, dug his fingers into my hip, and I knew something was bothering him. It was more than just the stress of speaking to his mother for the first time in years.
With a quick glance over at Elizabeth, I pulled him aside.
"What's going on with you? You're..." I gestured wildly to his whole being, his demeanor. "You're acting funny."
"How am I supposed to fucking act?" he retorted, his nostrils flaring angrily.
I simply stared back at him.
And he caved.
"Fuck me," he muttered, and pulled at his hair. "I don't know what's going on with me. She's... she's leaving, and I should be happy. I am happy, but-"
"Do you want to have some kind of relationship with her?"
"No," he answered immediately, and then cringed. "I don't know. That's just it; I don't fucking know."
I sighed and reached up to trail my fingers along the length of his jaw. He closed his eyes and murmured something under his breath, looking more relaxed than I'd seen him in a while.
"You're not ready," I said knowingly.
He shook his head once.
"But you want to be."
"I can't leave her alone. Not when it was all- When I was so wrong about everything," he choked out.
"But she was wrong, too," I reminded him. Not to discourage him. To find out exactly what it was he expected to get out of this.
"And that's the fucking problem," he growled. "As much as I want to, I can't get over it. But I just keep thinking... What if something happens to her? She's sick. She's-"
"What?" I asked because he'd never really gotten to explain anything to me yet.
"I think she's bipolar."
I didn't respond. Couldn't, really.
"I didn't ask. I didn't know how... No, I didn't need to ask. With everything I've learned since coming to live with Carlisle and Esme, it wasn't necessary. I see the signs. The manic episodes, the depression. She self-medicated for a long time and was even misdiagnosed with postpartum depression after Maggie was born."
My breath came out sharply, and I blinked in bewilderment. Edward and Maggie's separation made so much more sense now.
"Wow."
"I don't know what to do," he moaned. "If she does something to herself or relapses because I came back and-"
"Shh," I soothed, pressing my hand against his lips. "She'll be okay."
Because I'd make sure of it.
Edward seemed ready to argue again, but a cab pulled up and stopped just in front of the entrance. We rushed over to where Elizabeth stood nervously in an effort to find some way to say goodbye.
At a loss, Edward hurried over to the cabbie to pay for Elizabeth's fare.
It was my one shot at helping him say what I knew he couldn't yet.
"He doesn't hate you," I murmured, watching Elizabeth's eyes pop with shock. "He's not entirely sure what he feels yet. But he's... I mean-"
I broke off in frustration and yanked a receipt and a pen out of my purse, jotting down my email address and thrusting it at Elizabeth before Edward could see me.
"Keep in touch. I can't guarantee anything, but I know he's terrified of something happening to you."
"Why?" she breathed. Her hand trembled as she shoved my information down into her pocket.
"Because you're his family."
"I'm not."
"No, you are. In some weird way, he still considers you his family. Esme will be what you never were - his mom. She'll always be that for him, even if he lets you back into his life a little. She took him in and loved him when he was at his lowest. She's nurturing and patient and..." I saw Elizabeth's distress and quickly changed topics. "Well, anyway. He has parents. But he has a history with you. It's not easily erased."
"He said you hated me." She glanced around, trying to figure this all out.
"I'm not your biggest fan," I admitted, "but it doesn't matter what I think. This trip is about Edward and what he needs. Apparently, he needs to know you're not going to do something stupid after this."
She paled, finally understanding my meaning. "He never asked-"
I didn't bother hiding my exasperation. "Elizabeth, he's one of the top students in his class. He didn't need to."
Her mouth made a little round 'o' of understanding.
"Just promise me you'll get a hold of me if anything..." I didn't know how to finish that sentence. I knew there were so many variations of this disease, but didn't want to come right out and say "episode" in case that wasn't acceptable or relevant terminology.
Her head bobbed, and she swallowed hard. "I will."
"Or if you want to know more about Maggie," I rushed out. I would do that. Give her information about her daughter, if she wanted it.
After all, giving Maggie's biological family peace had been what started this whole thing in the first place.
And I felt like by doing so, I'd finally be fulfilling the purpose I'd sought so long and hard after.
xx
"You guys have any place you want to go before we leave?" Edward asked us, and shoved his hands in his pockets.
Emmett, Jasper, and I all looked between each other.
"No," we answered.
He huffed out a breath. "There's somewhere else I should... Before... And I can't... Yeah," he cleared his throat, "there's no way I can be alone while I'm there."
I had a feeling that I already knew where he wanted to go.
"Edward..."
"He's not here, Bella," he replied quietly.
"How do you know?"
"I asked Elizabeth. He's gone. Left for Vegas or something and never came back."
"He moved there?"
"Better business. Stupider people. I don't know."
"Wha-?"
"Does it matter?" he snapped.
I pursed my lips, and watched him frown. He was nervous again.
We silently piled into the car and started away from the hotel until we were far enough away that I couldn't recognize anything. We were close to where he'd taken me before; that much I knew. But somehow, the neighborhood seemed worse. Oppressive. Like it could easily suck the life out of you if you let it.
And I supposed it did. Many times before.
Edward surprised me and parked on the street, locking up behind us when we'd all gotten out. But then he walked to the mouth of an alley just beside a convenience store and stopped, and I knew I'd been right all along.
We were standing just feet away from where he'd been shot.
"Oh, shit," Emmett cursed lowly and glanced over at Jasper.
Ignoring them, I rushed over to where he stood and put my hand on his arm. He jerked back, wheeling around on me in panic, and then realized it was me and calmed down.
"Baby, don't. It's not worth it."
He didn't listen.
He took a few steps into the shadows and stared at one, specific spot on cracked pavement. There was a door in front of it, and a dumpster to the side.
My chest ached, and I felt nauseous.
"I saw James - I think that was his name - first," he said hoarsely. "Knew he was a dealer just by looking at him. And I'd had a shitty night. Cops had been everywhere, and I hadn't gotten much sleep. The sleep I did get kept getting interrupted by... So he led me out of sight to make the deal. I didn't have much cash, but I had enough. Some girl had uh- She'd-"
"Skip over it if you need to," I whispered.
He nodded. "I was fucking desperate to feel numb again. I hadn't seen Grayson or anyone in a while... It all made me cocky and stupid. Gave me this false sense of security or whatever. I didn't put two and two together until it was too late. Until I'd heard the shot."
"Oh, God, Edward-"
"James was one of Aro's new guys. Aro was keeping watch over him and saw me, got out, and-"
He made this heartbreaking sound, and all three of us were hovering over him instantly.
"I understand why he did it from a logical standpoint. He had a business - himself - to protect. But I was just a kid. I was nothing. I never once said a word about what I knew to anyone, not even in the hospital. The police would ask me over and over again, and I'd just lie and say I never saw him."
"Why?" Jasper enquired carefully. "Why didn't you press charges? Let Mom and Dad protect you from him?"
"I was scared out of my mind. And Aro's connections run deep. Who's to say he wouldn't have someone else finish the job from in jail?" He let out a shuddering breath. "It was better this way. Maybe not justified, but better. For as much as I wanted to die sometimes, I know I wouldn't be here now if I'd let Mom do what she did for you, Jazz. I'd be gone before I ever learned anything about myself or had Bella or felt what it's like to be happy."
He pulled away from us and moved to the spot, his head bent down, a blank look on his face. His eyes were glazed over and I knew that whatever was going on inside him was too much for him to handle.
"We need to get him home, you guys," I murmured. "Now."
I stood at the window in the Cullen's kitchen and stared off into the woods. Edward had gone outside a while ago, and had yet to return. A warm hand came up and, in a soothing gesture, rubbed at the back of my neck. I closed my eyes and sighed, and then turned around to see Carlisle gazing outside along with me.
"How is he?"
I shrugged. "He's been gone for a while."
He nodded. "I expected that."
"You did?"
He smiled at me. "Sure. He used to do this all the time when he first moved in with us: walk out in the woods and think. Sometimes, he'd ride his bike all the way down to Third Beach and walk the trail to the falls."
"He never told me that."
His smile widened. "But he took you there, didn't he?"
I nodded.
"I used to take him there, too. I hoped it would be like a father-son bonding trip. Like some dads take their sons fishing."
I made a face. "Edward is too impatient for fishing."
He chuckled. "That he is."
"It worked, though," I said to him. "He loves you guys."
"It's been hard for us. Rewarding, but hard."
"How do you mean?" I asked in confusion.
"He didn't feel that way about us for a long time. He... tolerated us. He was the most difficult of all three boys, but I guess that's why he was last. Esme and I had perfected the art of patience by the time we found him. We knew eventually he'd be okay. It took him finding you to do it, but still... We knew."
"I told Elizabeth that you and Esme were his parents." His brows shot up with surprise. "That even though she was technically family and he cared about her in some way, you two were better for him than she could have ever been. Sick or not."
"Thank you," he responded emphatically. "We tried to give him the best and show him what he could achieve. He might have kept us in the dark about what happened to him for far too long, but we believed in him. We always did."
"He's lucky to have you guys. I don't think I've told you that, have I? I told Edward once, but not you," I thought out loud.
"He's lucky to have you too, you know," Carlisle said warmly. "We all are."
I ducked my head and tried not to blush with that.
"Have you checked the garage lately?"
"No, why?"
"Just a feeling," he said wryly.
"You think he left?"
"If I know my son at all, yes," he answered.
I stared blankly at the garage door for a while, and then realized what he meant.
"The falls," I breathed.
"Weather's been mild this year. It's probably pretty muddy out, but not impassable."
I glanced down wildly at my clothes. "I don't- I can't-"
"Esme has a pair of boots you could wear in the mudroom. And you can take my car. There's a jacket in the backseat if you need it."
I bolted out of the room, snatching up Esme's boots on my way out the door. I stepped inside the garage and saw Edward's car missing, just like Carlisle had said, and rushed over to the black Mercedes sitting on the far end.
I opened the door and heard the telltale sound of the keys in the ignition. And without another thought, I was gone.
The drive was short - Carlisle's car handled amazingly - and the second I spotted Edward's Volvo parked at the trailhead, I rejoiced.
Loudly.
I grabbed the jacket in the back and threw it on before rushing up the trail. It was muddy, and my feet kept sticking and sliding on the slippery surface, but I never stopped. Not once. Not even when I was panting and gasping for air and in need of a quick rest.
I was too close to him to stop now.
And then, finally, I was there.
He was sitting motionless on the fallen tree. Our tree. The one where we'd shared our first, real conversation. The one where I first got the thrill of having his skin on mine. The sound of the waterfall brought my gaze up, and I was staring at the spot where I'd fallen, where he'd admitted that he had feelings for me.
The beginning.
Back down to him again, I found him staring at me now. His eyes were intense and longing, and so many emotions flickered over his face.
I took a step forward, unable to hold back my smile. "Hi," I shouted out.
His mouth quirked; his elbows never moved from his knees. "Hi."
"Lost in thought?" I asked.
"You could say that."
I took a few more steps toward him. "I think I want a Mercedes."
His brow furrowed, and he shook his head. "What?"
"A Mercedes. Whatever the model is Carlisle drives. It's... awesome," I finished lamely.
But I was still beaming.
He laughed and gestured for me to close the remaining distance between us. "Then I'll buy you a Mercedes."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah," he confirmed, snaking his hands around my waist the second I was close enough. "I'll buy you anything you want."
"Can you buy me back my boyfriend?" I asked him. I let my hands move up his arms until they were framing his face. "I miss him."
"Already?"
"I missed him the second he disappeared."
He sighed. "He's still here. He's just..."
"Adjusting."
"Yeah."
"It's a lot to take in."
He nodded.
"But you did great, you know. No one thought you couldn't handle it, but... Baby, you still surprised us all."
"And yet I'm sitting here like I did when I was a kid," he muttered.
"Maybe this place is just a part of you now. It's where you learned to trust your father."
"It's where I found you."
"You found me in the garage," I teased. "Don't lie."
"I found you here," he said vehemently. "When you fell. When the thought of not having you- Because before I'd been denying how I felt for you, and after... God, all I wanted was to figure out how to fucking touch you and hold you and be something for you."
"You did. You are. I know you say this about me a lot, but I don't think you realize how much it applies to you, too."
"What's that?" he interjected.
"You're everything for me, Edward. Good, bad... full of life and history and flaws. Everything."
"Bella," he groaned.
He dropped his head until his forehead was pressed against my sternum. A shudder passed through him, and his hands tightened their grip on me.
"Thank you," he rasped into my chest, "for always pushing me. Believing in me."
"We all did, baby."
"I know, and I-" He inhaled shakily. "I'm so fucking- To think of how I could have wound up..."
"Then don't think about it anymore. You've lived too much of your life in the past already."
I waited until he was looking up at me to finish. His eyes glimmered, and I knew it was taking every ounce of willpower he had not to break down in front of me.
And he thought he was weak...
"It's time to move on."