Thank you all for the reviews, PMs, alert/fave adds, and everything else there is possible for this fic. I am so grateful for it all. I can't even tell you.
Thank you to Stratan for beta'ing and making me laugh this morning with his email, and thank you to stephk0525, twilover76, and claireoth for keeping me from hanging myself during some of the more difficult to write chapters. I love you guys so!
Two days until the Vegas TwiFic Meetup. If you're going, I'll see you there. I'm so excited to meet everyone!
..
This is the final chapter. Only the epilogue is left. Tissue warning, cause some of you guys may need it.
Chapter 38
Edward
6 months later
Boxes.
Everywhere.
They were equal parts infuriating and electrifying. They signified everything I'd worked so hard for, how far I'd come from the pissed off asshole I was when I'd first laid eyes on Bella. How terrified I was of having this, of fucking it up.
And I would fuck it up. I had fucked it up. But it didn't matter anymore, because every last guy I knew of had done exactly the same thing at least one time in his life.
For what seemed like the first time ever, I was the definition of normal.
I rammed my toe into a large box - full of pots and pans, of course - and bellowed out a "fuck" as pain shot up my leg. This was why they were so infuriating. They were in every room, consuming the once stark apartment. They were the most prominent of all the evidence of my change.
And, even as I had my jaw clenched against the throb in my foot, that evidence made it good. So fucking good.
I just wished they'd all be emptied, broken down, and hauled off already. I wasn't used to clutter. And like everything else involving Bella Swan's entrance into my life, clutter was going to be something I had to get used to.
Bella came flying into the room, her arms full of... I didn't know what... and looked on at the sight of me hopping around in amusement.
"You okay?"
"Fucking box broke my toe."
"It's not broken."
"Feels like it," I muttered. I wiggled it and winced.
Should have kept my goddamned shoes on.
She laughed. "I'll have the kitchen done tonight."
"Thank Christ."
She started back out of the room, only to stop and spin around. "Hey, Edward?"
I glanced up at her.
"You could act happier, you know."
And before I could reply, she'd left the room.
"Fuck."
I rushed after her, ignoring the hordes of people that had invaded my apartment for this move, and caught up to her in my - no, our - bedroom.
"You know I'm happy," I said lowly.
She didn't bother looking at me; instead, she jerked drawers out of the dresser and slid the linens inside.
"Well, why are you being like this? You've been a dick since we all got here this morning."
"It's just a big change. Another big fucking change in a long line of shit I've dealt with this year. I'm exhausted; my nerves are shot."
She stopped what she was doing and slowly turned to face me. Her teeth worried her lip for a moment, and then she said, "Do you think you made a mistake by asking me to move in?"
I shifted, felt what was inside my pocket. Another box of sorts. One I'd gotten when we'd returned from Chicago. One I'd kept under lock and key, waiting for just that perfect time to pull it out.
Something Esme and I had spent hours considering over.
Something I still considered over.
"No," I answered, because that box pressing into my thigh was exactly the confirmation I needed. Never would I have bought it if there'd been any doubt on my end.
It was Bella's opinion that kept me silent, and the terror of doing something too big, too soon. She was just days shy of turning twenty-one. From finally being legal in every way, but because of her heart she'd never get to take part in any of it.
God help me if I ever made her feel trapped, like she didn't do everything she wanted in this second chance she'd been given.
"I want you, Bella. Every day. I want to wake up with you curled up next to me and fight over whose turn it is to do the dishes or take out the trash... I want all that, baby."
And so much more.
The words were on the tip of my tongue, and my hand twitched at my side, desperate to pull out the diamond ring I'd spent the majority of my savings on and just fucking ask.
Take the leap, dick. Do it. You'll never want anyone else for as long as you live.
But I couldn't. Not with our entire family on the other side of this wall. Not with all the stress she'd put herself under to make sure our shit was organized and perfect and combined. Not with my second year of med school underway, and years of training still ahead of me after I graduated.
I'd lost my fucking mind the day I went out and bought this thing.
"I do too," she said softly, a smile pulling at her lips. Then she glanced around, and the smile gave way to panic. "It doesn't look like we've done anything yet!"
"Tell me what you want me to do next. You've got Alice and everyone else getting the furniture," our furniture, "set up out there. They don't need me for that."
"Um... Okay, can you unpack my clothes? Most of my stuff is still on hangers, so it shouldn't take too long."
I nodded and went to work, catching Bella to give her a kiss just as she went to leave the room and start on something else.
"You're never going to ask her, are you?"
I sighed and glowered over at Rosalie. "I'm not asking with you all here."
"Excuses, excuses," she chided.
"Rose-"
"What are you waiting for?"
"I don't- Fuck, the right time, I guess?"
"And that's defined by what?"
I growled under my breath. "I don't know. I... What if she doesn't want to?"
She laughed. "Please. Like she's going to turn you down."
"No, that's not it." I huffed, struggling for a way to explain what I was thinking. "She's gone through so much, and she's only twenty. What if she says yes, and then ten years later regrets it because she didn't get to do everything she wanted."
"Like what?"
"See the world or whatever else she dreams of that she's not told me yet."
"Why can't she do it with you?"
"Rose, I'm in med school. My entire life is mapped out and centered around a hospital."
Those violet eyes rolled.
"I don't want her to feel like she's trapped."
More laughter. "Edward, I get that you're scared, but come on. Bella wouldn't be caught dead fulfilling any kind of dream without you."
I pondered that. "You think?"
"Well, turn the tables. Would you?"
"Hell no."
"Then there's your answer. Married or not, you two are still going to be together when she's out seeing the world. Might as well stop stressing yourself out and put the ring on her finger. You can have a long engagement, if you want."
"Long engagement..." I murmured.
Trouble was, I didn't know how possible that could be. I mean, the second I slid that ring on her finger I was going to want to drag her down the aisle and over to the fucking Social Security office to change her name.
Mark her as mine for all the universe to see.
Son of a bitch, when did I get so possessive?
"Yes, long engagement," Rosalie repeated. "You don't have to do it now or even in the next five years if you don't want."
I didn't answer. I was too busy trying to figure out what the fuck it was that I wanted.
She started to leave, but then abruptly spun around with a grin. "By the way, I think I'm pregnant."
I just blinked at her, causing more laughter to fill the room.
"Emmett doesn't know yet, so keep it to yourself."
"What? Why the fuck-?"
"I just thought I'd give you something else to think about for a while. Seems like you needed it."
I snapped my jaw shut and went back to opening boxes.
The second she was out of sight, though, I collapsed against the wall and tried to keep air coming into my lungs.
More change. But this time... I didn't want to be responsible for fucking some kid's life up in some way. And with my history, it was almost guaranteed.
Maybe I'd just stay as far away from the thing as I could. Try to get matched up with some hospital on the east coast or something.
Lots of kids had relatives they didn't see very often due to geography, so it could work.
And then something struck me, and my blood ran cold.
One of these days, there'd be no running from it.
One of these days, it would be me.
xx
I fell through the door, Ben hot on my heels, and found Bella sitting in the living room. She giggled at something Ben's girlfriend said, and then realized we'd gotten home. Her smile brightened, eyes shone, as she gazed up at me.
Emotion rushed through me, piercing me, and I had to take a breath to steady myself against it.
I got to come home to this every single fucking day now.
Rushing so that I could touch her, I plopped down on the couch next to her and made her body do a little bounce in my haste.
My eyes went straight to her tits.
"I fucking missed you."
I heard the slur of my words and scowled. I glanced over at Ben and found him wrapped around Angela; he didn't seem wasted like me.
"Maybe that last tequila shot was a bad idea."
Bella laughed and cradled my face in her hands. I knew she enjoyed seeing how I'd lightened up in the last few months. I still didn't drink much - it just wasn't my thing - but on occasion, I'd let Ben or Jasper talk me into heading over to the bar down the street for a couple of beers. It was usually pretty quiet, save for one occasion, and I'd managed to last long enough that my panic didn't seem obvious before bailing.
Every day was a work in progress. And that was okay. I knew how far I'd come already and knew it was just a matter of time before I was able to push through that, too.
"Edward Cullen, are you drunk?" she teased.
"I might be a little," I admitted. And then I dragged my hand through my hair and looked at her sheepishly. "Not really sure what happened, to be honest."
"You had fun. That's what happened."
Her voice was reassuring, supportive. I grinned at her - well, more like leered since alcohol tended to make me a horny fucking bastard - and leaned down to press a kiss to her lips. Soft and smooth, pliant against mine, she opened her mouth to me and breathed out a contented sigh when I deepened the kiss.
Ben and Angela needed to get the fuck out. Right now.
Taking the hint, Ben pulled Angela up from the couch and started toward the door. "Gonna go crash, Cullen. I'll see ya later."
"Later," I called out against Bella's mouth, unconcerned with whether or not they made it out the door.
"Are they gone?"
I glanced over her shoulder and found that we were all alone.
Fuck, yes.
I nodded and attacked her again, lying her down on the couch and sneaking my hand up under her shirt. My fingers skimmed over her scar, and something inside me squeezed at my heart, burned in my belly.
I abruptly stopped my ministrations and pulled away.
"Bella."
"What?"
"I..." I stared over at the TV for a second to try to figure out what the hell had just happened. "I want to see her."
She didn't answer. Her silence had me turning back to her, watching her face contort with confusion as she tried to figure out what I meant.
"Maggie," I whispered. "Bella, I want to go see her."
"When?"
"As soon as we can. Before we get tied down with exams and shit."
She nodded, and I felt a tug in my chest. Not like the other times, when I was being led by some strange gut instinct. This was a sense of anxiousness, excitement. I wanted to see where my sister was buried, see more of her life. I wanted to find a connection with the girl I'd never gotten to know, the girl who'd given the most important person of my existence.
I wanted to know her, finally, in the only way that I could.
"How about I call the Carrs and see if they'd mind us coming down next weekend?"
The excitement grew.
"Thank you, baby."
xx
The Carrs' house was up on a small hill, red bricked and sprawled out at the top. The landscaping was immaculately trimmed and laid out; there was even a little rock that had their name engraved on it just to the left of the driveway. I parked on the road in case Maggie's father needed to leave before us and walked the length of the yard with Bella's hand in mine.
That feeling grew stronger in my chest, and I couldn't tell if I wanted to burst into laughter or turn around and put enough distance between me and this house so it was gone.
But ready or not, I wasn't going back. Not until I got whatever it was I needed out of this trip.
There was no doorbell, so Bella knocked and took a step back, bringing me right along with her. At this point, I was more than willing to give Bella the lead. Even though she'd always said the Carrs were amazing people, I'd never met them and didn't know what to expect or how they'd react to me being on their porch.
Then I reminded myself that Bella had told them why she was coming and who she was bringing with her. I was being stupid.
Like usual.
Mrs. Carr didn't take long to answer. She stepped outside and smiled at Bella, bringing her into her arms for a hug almost immediately. I was shocked at how tall she was, how pretty. She was talking a mile a minute when she pulled away, and pushed her black hair behind her ears. She said something about how happy she was to see us and how good Bella looked. She asked about school, and I stood there awkwardly and thought that maybe I should just go down to the rental car and wait.
She wouldn't miss me at all. Neither of them would.
Except the second Mrs. Carr turned to me, put those blue eyes on me, I was enraptured. She was so bright and full of life. I could see that she was sizing me up a little, but because of the warm smile on her face, it didn't make me feel uncomfortable. It just was.
"You look like her," she finally said.
"No, uh... No, I don't."
She shook her head and moved toward me. Unthinkingly, I took a step back.
"You do," she insisted. "Your face is shaped the same, and you have the same coloring. I'm glad Bella found you."
I snuck a glance at Bella and found her watching us intently. I waited until her eyes met mine, and without breaking our gaze, I answered, "So am I."
Bella's cheeks flushed.
The ring weighed down my pocket once again.
"Come in," she said, motioning to the open door behind her. "I got lunch, if you're hungry."
"Oh, you didn't have to do that," Bella objected.
"Yes, I did. This is my daughter's brother. You think I'm letting him sit here hungry all afternoon?"
Bella giggled. "No, I guess you wouldn't."
We walked into the living room, and I glanced around. Hardwood floors, walls painted the color of butter. There was a brown leather sofa and recliner sitting in front of a massive television that hung on the wall.
It looked brand new and pretty fucking sweet.
Emmett would be green with envy.
"Sit. I'll get everything from the kitchen and be right back."
I followed Mrs. Carr's instructions and sat next to Bella on the sofa. Her leg brushed up against mine, and I relaxed a little.
Until I noticed what sat on the coffee table in front of us.
Thick, colorful journals, scrapbooks, and photo albums. Framed pictures, home videos, and certificates and placement ribbons - everything I could have wanted to know about Maggie's childhood sat right in front of me.
My hand trembled as I went to touch the journal on top; my brow furrowed when I opened it. It was one of the last of her life, written when she was starting school in Phoenix.
"Look at whatever you want," a deep voice said from a hallway leading to the rest of the house. "There's more in her old room, but it's boxed up."
"You guys finally..."
He nodded at Bella in response. I had a hard time looking away from him and putting my focus back on what they'd set out for me to see. This was Maggie's dad, the man who raised her. He probably taught her how to ride a bike and took her to the park and-
I cleared away the tightness in my throat and decided not to read the journal. Maybe it was too soon for me, or maybe it was just to give her some kind of privacy in death; I knew exactly how I'd feel if anyone I didn't know - blood relation or not - read mine. Whatever it was, I just couldn't do it. Something inside me wouldn't allow it.
I closed it and moved to the scrapbook instead.
It wasn't much better.
There was the picture of her riding her bike, pink plastic My Little Pony helmet and matching knee and elbow pads tightly secured to her little body. Her blonde hair stuck out of the bottom of the helmet, curling up over it, and a gap-toothed grin was stretched across her face. The caption below it confirmed what I'd already known, that it was her first bike ride through the neighborhood without training wheels.
She was six.
No one had taught me. I'd had to teach myself on a borrowed bike in the alley next to Elizabeth's apartment building before the other kids in my class figured out that I didn't know how.
I'd come home with so many bruises and scrapes that day.
Elizabeth hadn't noticed, and I'd had to bandage myself up.
But rather than the anger I was so used to feeling when I found out specifically how different our lives were, I just felt resigned on my part. There was nothing that could change my history.
And I was... glad that Maggie didn't have to go through what I did. Her life was too short to have experienced all the pain I'd felt.
Mrs. Carr came back in the room carrying a tray full of lunch meat, cheese, croissants, and any kind of topping you could imagine for them. I didn't know why I was referring to her so formally, but the manners Carlisle and Esme - hell, the bedside manner the professors ingrained into us - made calling her "Siobhan" seem weird.
But really, it wasn't. This was my sister's mother, for all intents and purposes. She was, to Maggie, who Esme was to me. This woman, and the brown-haired man standing in the background, made her life good. Made her know happiness.
I cleared my throat again.
Steeled myself.
And set out to find all that I could about Maggie during the time I had here.
Her room was hot pink. The furniture was still out, but the bedding and decorations were boxed up; a zebra print rug was between the bed and the dresser. It still faintly smelled like her, like flowers and girl. Similar to the way Bella smelled, but unique in its own way.
And still, it managed to affect me just as profoundly.
I sat at the edge of the bed, a fleeting thought of how soft the mattress was, and pulled out my phone. Esme had basically demanded that this trip be different, that I'd give them updates on how I was doing while I was away.
Because before, Bella had been the one to do it. I'd been too wrapped up in myself to even consider it.
Well, that wasn't exactly true. I hadn't wanted to burden them with any of it, either.
While they were grateful to Bella for keeping their worries at bay, it wasn't the same. They wanted to be involved in my life.
They wanted me to let them in.
And fuck, if that wasn't the hardest part about all of this. I trusted them - implicitly - but I'd relied on only myself for so long that it was nearly impossible to share this kind of shit. I found that sometimes, rather than welcoming the support, I pushed it away.
But I was trying to change that.
I exhaled sharply and pulled up the contacts on my phone. Just as I was getting ready to dial my mother's number, Mrs. Carr came in.
The phone was set aside.
"I didn't realize you were in here," she said. She glanced around the room, and I could have sworn she grimaced.
It was gone too soon to be sure, though.
"I needed to call my parents. They uh... worry."
"All parents do."
I snorted. Not all parents.
"Well," she reconsidered, "the good ones do."
"Like you."
She beamed with that. "Thank you. We tried. We tried to give her everything we could but teach her graciousness and responsibility at the same time. She was... She was our star. She really shined."
I nodded and wondered how Carlisle and Esme would describe me.
"So... med school, huh? Seems that you and Maggie are both just a little too smart for your own good."
"I don't know about all that, but yeah. Med school."
"Got any hospitals in mind you'd like to work at?"
"Nah. Well, I take that back. I mean, of course I do; we all do. But really, it just depends on Bella. I don't want to... take her away from everyone."
"You'd give up something that big for her?"
"I'd give up pretty much anything for her."
Her eyes widened.
I found myself scrambling to make her understand. "It's taken me a long time to come to terms with Bella's... mortality. I don't know how long I'll get to keep her. It could be a lifetime with all the advances in medicine and subsequent surgeries. It may only be a few years. I want to give her all I'm able to in that amount of time. I want to make sure her life is great every possible second that I can. If it takes a few concessions on my part, so be it."
"That..." She stopped, struggling not to cry. "That sounds exactly like something your sister would do."
Now it was my turn to be shocked.
She sniffled and moved closer to the door. "Well, I'll let you make your call. I think Bella wanted to watch a couple of the videos Liam got out from when Maggie was a kid. If you're up to it, that is."
I didn't know if I was actually up to it or not, but I still found myself nodding in agreement.
It was what I'd come here for.
xxxxx
Under the shade of a tree in the backyard, the camera lens focused on two girls singing and dancing on the deck. You could barely hear them because of how far away they were, but if the case sitting beside Maggie's CD player gave any indication, you still knew exactly what they were singing and dancing to.
Closer the camera came, until you could hear them clearly.
The volume on the video camera was turned up; the picture tilted to the left and was then righted again.
"You're all I ever wanted... You're all I ever needed... Yea-aah. So tell me what to do now... When I want. You. Ba-ack."
The camera shook with silent laughter as the girls sang as loud as they could in the hot August sun. Boy bands were everywhere, and it seemed that nine year olds weren't immune to their appeal. In fact, if you fast-forwarded the video, you'd see Maggie in front of the television trying to perfect the bands' dance moves; there was even the sound of her playing the melodies on her beloved piano when she thought no one was listening.
The neighbor's daughter, Ally, attempted to do one of the dance moves she'd seen recently and fell, causing both girls to burst into a fit of giggles.
The more they moved, the hotter they got, evident by the way their blonde hair clung to their skin, so the camera crept even closer, until each girl noticed they'd been spied on.
"Erase it!" Maggie shrieked. "Daddy, erase it!"
Liam shook the camera like he was shaking his head. "No way. I need things to embarrass you with when you're older."
She jumped up and tried to pry it from his hands, green eyes flashing, laughing the entire time. "Please?" she begged.
Liam bent down so that the camera was focused on a potted plant sitting in the corner. Ally's gangly legs came into view as she went to stand next to Maggie.
"How about we go cool off?"
Silence.
"Ice cream?" Maggie asked hopefully.
"And swimming."
Both girls squealed in delight and took off into the house.
Liam's laughter was the last thing the camera picked up before it was shut off.
xxxxx
It was warm. Hot, really. The light jackets we'd brought with us were left behind in the rental car. I glanced up at the sun, and took a deep breath.
Rows upon rows of graves were behind me. I turned around and studied a few of the larger ones closest to us. An angel. A obelisk. One with a cross. Past it was something that resembled a sarcophagus.
The mausoleum was nothing but an outline, the sun beating down on it in such a way that I couldn't make any of it out.
"I think Mrs. Carr said it was this way," Bella stated, pointing in the direction of the looming building ahead.
Of course it was.
I nodded, my jaw tight, and let her lead us down a narrow path. We wound through the graveyard, up a hill, and then veered off to a different path on the left.
Down the other side of the hill, and Bella slowed, her eyes darting around.
Shit, we were close.
I knew it was hers before I could read the name carved into the stone. The color, the no nonsense script, seemed to fit in with everything I'd been told. I stopped. Sucked in a breath of air.
Then I was silent.
Bella moved past me and walked beneath the large oak. She lifted her hand so slowly, and let it rest at the top. Fingers brushed down, over a music note engraved in the right hand corner, and it was like this tight chain of control I'd managed to have on my emotions during this trip was gone. Everything I'd been holding in for so many months came pouring out, and I was overwhelmed. Grieved.
"Hi, Maggie," Bella whispered, her voice thick with tears.
I fell apart.
I was still so far away from her, but couldn't seem to pick my feet up and close the distance between us. My knees had buckled, legs turned to jelly. I sat in the grass and ground my teeth together so I didn't sob like a fucking baby, though, God knew how much I wanted to.
A strangled sound still clawed its way from my chest, and then Bella was beside me again, sitting with me and letting her fingers drift up the fabric of my shirt. She drew small circles on my skin, and I closed my eyes, reveling in the contact, the way it made this ache inside me subside.
Nothing needed to be said, not that anything could be of this situation. She didn't expect an explanation of why I'd reacted the way I did. She was simply here for me.
As she always was.
The wind picked up; a couple leaves skittered across the paved path.
I sat still. Hoping, praying... trying to get my legs to cooperate. Somehow, I managed, and I crouched down next to the headstone. My eyes skimmed over the engravings. The dates, specifically. There was some kind of quote at the bottom, but despite how many times I read it, it wouldn't seem to commit to memory.
It didn't matter.
Bella hung back, giving me privacy and space. My hand shook as I went to touch the stone. It was cool against my palm. Smooth. My hold tightened, and I wanted to weep.
But still, I said nothing.
Time ceased.
And then a flash of something sent me reeling. Maggie, blonde ringlets curling around her chubby face, playing with a doll on the grass in the park just down the street from Elizabeth's apartment, the place she used to take me before. Before she got sicker. When it was still safe.
I'd sat right next to her and listened to her toddler babble while Elizabeth spoke to my father on a bench a few yards away.
The day they'd visited.
The only time I'd seen her after my father left.
I latched onto the memory, closed my eyes, and whispered a fervent "thank you" into the wind. My chest ached, and my eyes stung. I didn't try to question why I'd finally remembered something here. All the therapy sessions, journal writing, talking with Bella...
It took me getting close to Maggie again for it to happen.
I stood up and glanced over at Bella. The breeze ruffled her hair, and with all the death - all the sorrow - surrounding us, seeing her gave me hope. For a future. For a life.
Our life. Our future.
I'd been a blind idiot until now. It didn't make a difference how or when I proposed, or if I even proposed at all. We were right when we were together.
I came back to her and reached for her hand. I pulled her close to me, breathed her in, and murmured, "I love you. More than you will ever know."
Her response was immediate. Instinctive. "I love you."
The words were out before I could stop them.
"Marry me."
I almost laughed at the way she jerked back in shock.
I reached into my pocket, bringing up the platinum diamond ring between us. I held it in between my thumb and index finger, flipping it one way, and then the next. It caught the sun and sparkled, sending beams of light across our skin.
"Edward, when did you...?"
"Right after Chicago. And this wasn't how I wanted to fucking do it, but something... I don't know. I couldn't wait any more."
"You had a plan?"
"Hell no," I scoffed. "When have I ever tried to plan anything?"
She laughed through her tears.
"Marry me," I repeated, pushing her hair away from her face with my other hand. "Someday, Bella, whenever we're ready."
She closed her hand over mine, over the ring, and gazed up at me.
I grinned. Our lips crashed together, impassioned, and I felt the curve of her smile against my own. A giggle escaped her.
Until death do us part.
"Yes."
*peeks out from desk* So...?
Ok, quick note regarding FFn pulling stuffs. I am leaving everything on this site. Period. The only way it'll be taken off is if FFn yanks it. However, I'm in the process of uploading Dear Maggie to AO3 (Archive of Our Own) and putting PDF links up on my blog for anything of mine that's already complete - this will include DM after it's finished next week.
You know. Just in case.