Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay, any direct quotes will be in italics.

Ch. 33

"Don't be ridiculous," says Jackson almost immediately. What had made them so protective of me? What stopped them from shooting me right here and now?

"I murdered a member of our squad!" His name I couldn't remember, he was nice and older. People enjoyed him, he was breathing, living, hours ago and now he's gone, away. Dead. He probably has a family, children that mourn his death right now. I killed him. I am the cause for his death. I should be hated.

"You pushed him off you. You couldn't have known he would trigger the net in the exact spot." Such a silly excuse Finnick gives me.

"Who cares? He's dead isn't he?" Warm tears build in my eyes and begin to fall. I haven't felt this emotional about anything in a while. I wasn't needed anymore; I need to be killed. I don't want to be at the hands of another murder because I couldn't handle the monster inside me. "I didn't know. I've never seen myself like that before." The memories, in between normal ones, might have been the scariest thing I've ever seen before.

They were memories of my thoughts. Memories of wanting to kill Katniss, for what? Nothing more than some stupid lie the Capitol gave my brain. It was me, I was thinking them. I thought I was separate from the monster that we were two separate beings living in one, but I was far from right. I am the monster and nothing can change that.

"Katniss is right. I'm the monster. I'm the mutt. I'm the one Snow has turned into a weapon!" Tears spill out uncontrollably. I want this to be over with. I have never been more done with my life than I am right now.

I have memories, distorted ones, of wanting to sacrifice myself for Katniss, but there was still hope in them. The fight for life was still there. It was there until today; today I am sure that I must die. I am okay with that.

"It's not your fault, Peeta." Says Finnick. I think that's the thing that hurt the most, that it wasn't my fault because really it wasn't. I wasn't this way because I wanted to be. I didn't become a monster by will. I wouldn't be dying as myself.

"You can't take me with you. It's only a matter of time before I kill someone else." I look around the room mostly searching for Katniss, I find her. Her bright grey eyes show confliction, she remembers me. She yearns for the old Peeta, she sees the fight to get me back is over. I believe she is the only one in the room that would actually say it was okay to kill me. Maybe.

"Maybe you think it's kinder to just dump me somewhere. Let me take my chances. But that's the same thing as handing me back to the Capitol. Do you think you'd be doing me a favor by sending me back to Snow?" I get a shutter out of everyone, especially Katniss. I am better off dead than back in the hands of Snow. I don't think I could handle any more torture.

"I'll kill you before that happens." Says Gale. And it's in sincerity. He's doing this because he does not want me back with Snow either. Gale, who had seemed to hate me just yesterday, wants me to stay alive. "I promise."

I look him in the eyes. I know he speaks the truth, I grab his hand and shake it, but it's not enough. "It's not good. What if you're not there to do it? I want one of those poison pills like the rest of you have."

They all had them in a secret compartment on their uniforms. I had the compartment too, but it was empty. They wouldn't even let me do it at the hands of myself.

There's silence all around us. I know what they are thinking, that I will do just that. That I will kill myself. They wouldn't put it past me, but I know what they want. They want me alive. I wouldn't do that, unless of course I felt the monster coming out, or the peacekeepers were coming to take me away. I kept this promise in my head. I would die when the time was right.

"It's not about you. We're on a mission. And you're necessary to it." Katniss looks me dead on the eye. I was wrong, not even she would kill me, and maybe she did still love me, somewhere. "Think we might find some food here?"

They do find food, an abundance of it. Capitol food. I do remember the good stuff, not the small rations they would give me each day. I remember our first trip here and Katniss loving that one dish, what was it? I believe she had talked about it in her interview. We had gotten it in the cave as well, such a good meal after a long time in the arena.

Then I see a can that I can only see part of the label, LAMB ST- and that's what I was thinking of. The lamb stew over rice with plums, that's the thing Katniss had loved most about the Capitol. I see her searching for something she might like; I grab the can and another one for myself. I see her half-heartedly pick up another can.

It will be a thank you, for fighting for me. Maybe even a pick me up, saying I remember.

"Here." Her face contorts as she grabs it, a memory of a somewhat better time flashes through her head I'm sure.

"Thanks. It even has dried plums." She says with nostalgia in her voice. It must be hard to reminisce with a boy you aren't even sure remembers.

Okay so I won't be able to update until Saturday because I'll be out of town I'm so sorry, but you guys have probably gotten used to it by now so that sucks! I'm sorry! If you haven't checked out Waking Up, I would love it if you did!

Also, I was really excited to hear how you guys felt about my last chapter and I only got one review on it! If you could please take the time to tell me how you felt about it, that would be great! Feel free to PM me!

Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover