Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay, any direct quotes will be in italics.
Ch. 40
It was early morning when Katniss came clean about things. It was clear to all of us that it wasn't anyone's plan, but hers to go kill Snow. She just hadn't noticed. She put the deaths of everyone that had recently died, on herself. So foolish. If we truly wanted to do that, every death in this whole war was our fault. We started it. We started the unrest that started the rebels that started the war. Every death could be put on the heads of just Katniss and I.
She claims that since they thought it was orders from Boggs or Coin that they died unjustly, but she has no idea how dead they all wanted Snow as well.
Cressida and Gale try to argue with her. Pollux stays silent because that's his only choice, but I stay silent because I feel like my opinion won't be valid. I remember way back before we had even gone into the Games how little power she gave herself. She always puts herself below, always puts the blame on other people. She does not know that people would die for her with out a second thought. I know I would, all broken and crazy, with out a second thought.
She looks frustrated when she turns to me, frustrated and haunted. Yesterday had finally caught up to her, "What do you think, Peeta?" she says.
"I think…you still have no idea. The effect you can have." I felt silly wanting to say something so strong, yet being chained to a staircase. No one ever really listened to the insane, "None of the people we lost were idiots. They knew what they were doing. They followed you because they believed you really could kill Snow."
This stops her, for just a second. She then remembers where she is and what those people died for and she pulls herself together.
This is when the plan to assassinate Snow began, real planning. It would be no more running blindly through the Capitol, hoping without hope that we would find him and be able to kill him. I let my opinion into this conversation and answer questions when I am asked them. I wanted Snow dead as much as Katniss did, maybe even more.
We don't get much time to plan because Tigris calls us up for food. What ever we plan, it won't be simple.
Later that night I find myself not able to sleep. Maybe it was the way Katniss had talked earlier, so guilty, so lost. I know that she was normally like this, taking the blame for everything, but not in extreme conditions like this. I know that she has her mind focused on Snow now, but I still never know with her.
Most of the night is spent with me staring at her, watching as her chest goes up and down, up and down. Occasionally her eyes will flutter and I wonder what she dreams of, if she even dreams at all.
"You're awake?" Gale calls out to me sometime later than I would've expected any of the others to be awake.
"Yeah." My throat cracks like it had the night before. "Would you mind getting me some water?" I watch as he gets the water and brings it to me. I hadn't really ever thought of Gale much, no more than the jealous memories that I had of him, but I realize now how strong he is. Not physically, though he is that too, but emotionally.
He had to watch his best friend, whom he loved I am sure, fall in love with the baker's son. How mad he must've of been at me. How much he must've hated me.
I remember when he had been whipped and I had watched outside the window as she had kissed him. I may have had my memories taken away from me, but I remember this vividly. I don't think I ever really forgot it.
I remember the way her face had looked, how scared her eyes had been, how her hand brushed his face so lovingly. How lost I had been because she had never looked at me that way, not even when I was five seconds away from death. She loved him, truly and irrevocably.
Even the way she had looked at him yesterday as she had fixed his wound, Katniss would never stop loving her hunting partner.
I did get something close to that look, but it still wasn't it. Yesterday, after Finnick had died and I begged them to go and she wouldn't let me and right before she kissed me she looked at me and her eyes pleaded for me and her hands yearned for me. Katniss loved me.
She loved us both, just differently.
"Thanks for the water." I say to him and he sits down next to me, helping me guide the liquid into my mouth.
"No problem. I wake up ten times a night anyway." I never thought of Gale to be the kind of person to not be able to sleep. But then I remember all he had been through and I realize even the strongest people have their demons.
"To make sure Katniss is still there?" As I say this I look over to where she is. Still there. Still breathing.
"Something like that." He answers me.
Earlier today Tigris had said something that had stuck with me. It was so true about Katniss in so many ways. "That was funny, what Tigris said. About no one knowing what to do with her." It applied to Gale and I, I knew that much. It was always a constant back and forth.
"Well, we never have." I laugh. This conversation was so light, but so heavy at the same time. It was nice to let my mind off of such serious things. It was nice to be able to relax.
"She loves you, you know. She as good as told me after they whipped you." He had to know. He had to see it, but if I was doubting that Katniss ever loved me; I bet he was as well.
"Don't believe it. The way she kissed you in the Quarter Quell…well, she never kissed me like that."
"It was just part of the show." I lie to comfort him. The truth of the matter was that she loved us both.
"No, you won her over. Gave up everything for her. Maybe that's the only way to convince her you love her." I stay silent. Katniss knew very well that Gale loved her. There was no matter there. She was just so used to giving love that she never knew how to receive it. Her mother never gave it to her after her father died and then she had to give all of hers to Prim. Katniss confused us because she was complex, but that's one of the reasons I love her.
"I should have volunteered to take your place in the first Games. Protected her then." He says this almost silent. A whispered regret.
"You couldn't. She would have never forgiven you. You had to take care of her family. They matter more to her than her life." What I say is true and Gale knows it.
"Well, it won't be an issue much longer. I think it's unlikely all three of us will be alive at the end of the war. And if we are, I guess it's Katniss's problem. Who to choose. We should get some sleep." I take this as a surrender. Gale was nice and I liked him. We shouldn't let Katniss stand between us because he was right; it wasn't up to us.
"Yeah. I wonder how she'll make up her mind." I say before readjusting myself so that I can actually let myself sleep.
"Oh, that I do know. Katniss will pick whoever she thinks she can't survive with out." He says this and then he's gone away, back to sleep.
Extra long chapter cause I've been bad at updating regularly, sorry guys! What'd you think of the convo with Cressida in the last chapter? I'd love some opinions. Reviews from you guys gives me motivation and I honestly don't know how I'm doing writing wise if people don't tell me!
Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover