Chapter 13

What Now?

Amy waited and hated it, the silence. She wanted to scream or shake her or do anything really. She felt like laughing. She just, she was so awkward and that's' all she could think about herself sometimes.

Karma sat beside her with her eyes fixed at nothing while she tried to come up with the right thing to say.

But all she could do was think…

"Why?" Karma asked. Her voice came before her wanting of it to come. She was so frustrated that she couldn't find the perfect words. She was so frustrated that her body forced her to speak before she could ever be ready to choose the right path. "Wh-why did you kiss me?" She asked, her head turning to look and see. What did Amy feel? How did Amy think?

"I um… I didn't mean to," Amy blurted out nervously. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry," Karma laughed. It wasn't a bad thing. It wasn't bad… It was actually quite nice, Karma thought. She lost herself in the memory of that kiss, closing her eyes and touching her lips. Amy watched on in confusion wondering what else she could possibly say. Karma's expression was a happy one and that was good.

"I didn't hurt you though, right?" Amy asked.

"Of course not," Karma blushed, moving her hands to unfasten her seatbelt. "Come on, she said. "We better go." They didn't have time to talk about what it all meant or what it could mean. Mr. Nevens was waiting and they were working for him now so it would be rude to make him wait.

Amy got out and felt stupid. Karma beeped the car shut and walked around to meet her. As soon as Karma passed Amy she gained her composure and felt strong again, satisfied for once in a long while. Sometimes it was little things that made big differences. That kiss had been one of those little things. Karma could feel it breathing life into every inch of her body eventhough it had come and gone. It was almost like it was a potion or something. She felt good. She felt better.

Amy watched and wondered what Karma was thinking. But it was no use, to Amy it seemed, Karma was in work-mode again just as soon and as easy as she had just not been only seconds ago. She raced after her but Karma waited for her patiently and held the door open in hopes that she would come.

"Thanks," Amy said, walking in.

"Any time," Karma said, thinking more about the kiss than the door and wondering what it all meant. She never thought about kissing a girl before, at least, she never thought it would feel just like that.

The more she thought the more she knew she was smiling like an idiot. It was impossible to chase the feeling away. Instead she pretend it was all some act to make Mr. Nevens feel welcome.

"Mr. Nevens, this is Amy Raudenfeld, she's new to the firm but we're finding her an irreplaceable asset already," Karma said. She stood between the two and gave Amy a proud stare.

"Hi," Amy said, taking his hand in hers and shaking it. She was trying to understand what had gotten into Karma but there was no time since she felt rushed.

"Great to meet you Amy, and you too Mrs. Ashcroft, I swear I never stop hearing about you!" Most of Karma's clients were just like this, rich white men with positive attitudes and lots of money.

"Well, people will talk," Karma said. It was one of the things she said at almost every new client meeting. Gossip got them most of their cases. Big money followed big money. They had no trouble keeping clients but more trouble finishing all the cases that they'd start and organizing a vast calendar of neverending court-dates and conference calls. The hardest thing about working for the firm was knowing that most of the clients wanted one of the top three to represent. It wasn't like newbies could really take things alone. It was nice having Amy for the moment but Karma knew she still had to do SOMETHING with her firm to lessen her workload and try to feel a bit more sane.

The two sat through an afternoon filled with margaritas and Mr. Neven's giving them nothing but facts about his lawsuit. By the time they were done he was certain he'd be going with Ashcroft & Raudenfeld but he had been certain of that before he even knocked twice with his knuckle on the window of Karma's car before meeting her that day.

They stood out in the parking lot and said goodbye to Mr. Nevens. Then Karma took her hands to her face awkwardly and laughed at how crazy her life had become. Mr. Nevens was great but Liam was gone and that kiss still left her on cloud 9, how could she really be feeling blessed right now? It was all a right mess.

"Do you have any idea how much this case could get us?" Karma asked.

Amy shook her head no but smiled back at her because money was a good thing, yeah?

"Oh, God, I'm so sorry," Karma said, holding her chest for a moment and looking at her new friend. "I kept you out all day. We'll pay you, I swear."

"It's fine," Amy said. She didn't even think about money, she rarely did.

"God, how'd I get so lucky," Karma asked. She was staring at Amy and just admiring how lovely she was. They'd spent a day together, an odd day. It was the best day Karma had had in a very long time and that wasn't just the tequila, she was sure of that much.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Amy asked. When Karma stared it really made her nervous. When Karma stared it was like she was missing something about herself, something she didn't know people could see.

"I dunno," Karma said. "You're pretty I guess."

"Okay, yeah, stop," Amy said, taking a step forward and pushing Karma to get her to cut it out. "You're just happy you got your dumb case," Amy teased.

"It's really not that," Karma said, staring back at her and loving the sight of her, staring back at her and wishing she'd been in her life more.

"Come on," Amy said, pushing her again this time lighter. "Stop."

"Fine, fine, okay…" Karma said, running her hand through her hair and looking out at the moving cars in the busy street. Amy made her happy. Somehow she just did. It was hard to pretend that wasn't happening. And she didn't know how to talk to her about it but it was all very real. "Come on," Karma said, trying not to look at her in the way she had been looking. "I'll take you home."

Home… Amy thought. Did she even want to go home? She felt Karma pull lazily on the crook in her elbow and lead her to the car. But she didn't want to go home. Home was boring and strange. Lauren was home. Her mom was home. Being at home always meant she was just a few hours before leaving again. It was just… She didn't like it sometimes. She liked this. She liked here.

"What's amatter with you?" Karma teased. Amy had grown too quiet. They'd gotten in the car and she was driving to where she knew Lauren lived. And Amy was just there not speaking. It scared her a bit.

"I dunno," Amy said. She was still back at that kiss and at Karma sitting there next to her without words or response.

"You seem nervous all of a sudden," Karma noticed. Amy's nervousness made her nervous too.

"I… I feel nervous," Amy said, realizing it out loud.

"Really? Why?" Karma asked, a little bit worried. It was the end of the day. Things had all gone so well.

"I-I slept with Ruiz," she said, just blurting it out.

Karma tried not to show much of a reaction but the car slowed a bit and she felt herself become a little sad.

"I'm nervous," Amy said, "to try something new. It ended so bad… We didn't' talk about it. I-I was just-"

"Amy…" Karma said. She could hear her own tone. She said Amy's name just like Amy said hers. "It doesn't have to-"

"I don't usually do that," Amy said. "I don't just kiss people. I don't just sleep with them." She felt her hands shaking. She was so nervous and it came on so fast. All these thoughts about her hook-up with Reagan. These were words she was supposed to have said to her but they were relevant here too, just not as much.

"It's okay," Karma said, trying to calm her. She pulled the car over to the side of the road and parked it to try and give her more of a reason to calm. Maybe Amy was seeing the route as a ticking time-bomb? Maybe Amy thought she might never see Karma again? Karma couldn't be sure. She could tell Amy was stressed. "What do you want me to do?" Karma asked. She turned to look at Amy and noticed that she seemed sick all of a sudden so she took her hand and held it. "We can do whatever you want. This could be something or it could be nothing," Karma explained. "We can just be friends?" She said it like a question though and Amy knew what that meant.

"I really like you Karma," Amy said. "I-I know I don't even know you but I really like you and that scares me."

Karma felt herself try to hold back tears. She felt herself smile and then calm. She really liked Amy too and she understood Amy's feeling all too well. It was almost like they were meant to find each other in some way or another. It was all so fast it was almost laughable but it felt serious it really did.

"Why don't we just keep being us, okay?"

"Okay," Amy said, feeling her breathing even out.

"I feel comfortable with you. You feel comfortable with me. We'll just… We'll just keep being us and see where it goes."

"But what if-"

"Shhhhhh," Karma said, taking Amy's hand to her lips and kissing it. "You're thinking too much sweetie…" It was so obvious that it actually hurt Karma to notice it.

"I know," Amy said, realizing it too. "I-I'm sorry," she said, trying to calm. They were really close to her house, extra close. She wished she hadn't said anything. It was stupid, saying all that just now. They'd just met. It was so so stupid. "This was stupid, I shouldn't have sa-"

"No," Karma said, stopping her. "I like that you talked to me," Karma pushed, using her other hand to hold Amy's cheek and make sure she knew that she wasn't just telling her lies. "I want you to talk to me, okay?"

"What about the kiss?" Amy asked. She felt like Karma's answer to that question could make or break her. She felt she could cry at any moment and just break.

"Well, I liked the kiss," Karma said, looking down at Amy's lips and then back up at her eyes.

Amy moved to speak but Karma was done watching her feel sad and she knew what could fix her so she leaned in and kissed her again. Amy was so sad all of a sudden and a lot of it just started to make sense. Karma felt hope fill her up inside, she felt a reason to live again, a reason to be good. She kissed her so long that Karma felt breathless by the time she stopped. She pushed Amy away and laughed. "Shit, I'm sorry," she said. "I don't usually do this either," she held her hand up to show Amy her ring and Amy laughed.

"Shit," Amy sighed. She'd forgotten about all that. No wonder Karma was so stunned when she kissed her at first.

"It's over with him, really," she said. "There's no way to reconcile."

"For a second I just felt like I'd never see you again," Amy confessed, laying her head back down on the chair and staring ahead instead of at Karma who was watching her right by her side and nervous for her.

"I wouldn't let that happen," Karma said.

Amy turned to look at her, just to make sure she meant what she said. It was obvious Karma meant it.

"Okay," Amy sighed.

"Okay?" Karma asked, wanting to be sure.

"Yeah, okay," it was all Amy needed. She couldn't let another fling go unanswered, another kiss buried in obscurity. She fell too hard to allow herself to wallow in uncertainty. It made sense she needed to talk.

"Should I take you home now?" Karma asked.

"I guess so," Amy sighed, squeezing her hand and wanting to stay with her as long as she could.

"Okay," Karma sighed. As soon as she turned to drive Amy snuggled up beside her and rest her head on her shoulder.

"Sorry I'm weird," she said, and they both laughed.

"Stop being sorry, you're actually really cute," Karma said. She drove the rest of the way and Amy got out when Karma parked but she stopped at Karma's window before going in.

"Thanks for taking me home," she said.

"Not like I could leave you for Lauren," Karma teased.

They both laughed.

"Okay, well… Goodnight Karma," Amy said, trying not to feel as lame as she was feeling.

"Night," Karma said. "Sweet dreams," it was the last thing she could think to say. Amy turned from up the way and smiled back at her with a small wave.

Weird how much can change in just a matter of minutes…

Once alone Karma and Amy both realized separately that they didn't feel so small anymore…