We Were Born To Die

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. Shout out to Fran for helping me with this fic. You're awesome!

I spent most of the weekend avoiding my mother. She said she had a date on Saturday night, and evidently, it went well because she didn't come home until late Sunday afternoon. Had it been anyone else, I might have worried. But this was Renee we were talking about, and when it came to men, her judgment was consistently terrible.

I made enchiladas for dinner that night and ate in my room. Bree, who was very seldom at home, was dropped off by her friend's mom around nine and went straight to bed. Our living situation was strained to say the least. No one liked it. We all kept to ourselves, which kept our discomfort to a minimum, but it was hard to deny the elephant in the middle of the room.

On Monday morning, I offered to give Bree a ride to school, which she accepted, mostly because it was raining and she was running late. It was February now, but the cold still hadn't let up, which was fairly typical for Indy this time of year. Bree and I rode in silence, all bundled up in my heated car. When I dropped her in front of the school, she told me she'd see me later and I told her to have a nice day. It was the closest thing I'd had to normal, familial interaction in a long, long time.

I hadn't thought of Edward much that weekend, which had taken a lot of effort on my part. I was a naturally introspective person and it was unlike me not to analyze the crap out of things. However, obsessing over Edward made me feel like a loser. He probably wasn't obsessing over me, I told myself, so I should carry on as if nothing was different until I confirmed otherwise. This line of thinking had been going really well up until Monday morning, but today I had biology lecture and lab. I would definitely see him at some point, and for some reason this made me nervous. I would have liked to say that what Rose has said didn't bother me but it did. It had been bothering me since Friday. Edward had had the opportunity to observe my weaknesses and now I wasn't sure if he thought of me as a friend or a charity case.

I tried to listen to the radio on my way downtown, but I couldn't focus on anything but Edward. I contemplated all of the different ways he might receive me today, as well as all the different ways I could respond to him.

What did I even want out of this?

What was my desired outcome?

The real issue was that I had no prior experience on which I could gauge my situation. I barely had female friends, let alone male ones. Flirtation wasn't even a word in my vocabulary.

Was that what we were doing?

Flirting?

Did I know how to flirt?

I was asking myself a lot of questions to which I just didn't have any answers. Not to mention the fact that there wasn't much time left to come up with a solution to my problem. I didn't know how I should act around Edward and had come to the rather depressing realization that, even if I did, I was too distracted to think logically when we were together. He had been right all along. He did make me nervous.

When I pulled into the first open parking space in the lot, I killed the engine and sat for a moment, breathing hard and thinking harder. I needed to calm down. I hadn't had the nerve to start taking my new prescription, but the anxiety creeping up on me this morning was making me brave. I retrieved the full bottle of pills from my purse and dumped a few of them into my left hand.

I swallowed them dry.

I was good at that.

I only had thirty minutes before class started, but I couldn't bring myself to get out of the car yet. I needed the Valium to take effect; or rather, I needed to convince myself that it was taking effect. I needed that light, that airiness that I associated with this drug; sudden, artificial peace. I waited until I couldn't wait any longer and then I snatched up my bag from where it sat in the passenger seat and threw open the driver's side door.

When I got to the lecture, it was mostly empty. I quickly scanned the thin crowd for Edward and was relieved when I saw that he wasn't yet there. yet. At least I could eliminate the troublesome scenario of having to decide whether or not to sit next to him if he beat me to class. Instead, all I had to do was deposit myself in my regular place and wait to see what would happen.

Five minutes went by, then ten, then fifteen. Dr. Mullens arrived and so did Rose and Alice. I had all but given up on Edward showing, when he plopped down in the seat next to me. I turned and smiled at him and he smiled back but didn't say anything else. The class had started, but I was feeling unusually chatty. How could Edward just sit there and say nothing to me after everything that happened. I felt like we were keeping some secret between us, as if he knew something about me that nobody else did. I wanted him to be interested in me the way I was in him. No one had ever shown concern for me the way that he did. He was special. However, was I anything special to him?

I waited in silence for an opportunity to speak. up. When Dr. Mullens showed a clip of mitosis, I spotted my opportunity.

"He's so excited that I think he's moaning," I whispered trying not to laugh at the way our professor enthused over the process that was taking place before us. Mullens pressed the replay button for the third or fourth time and Edward laughed. He leaned over.

"I don't think I've ever been that excited about anything in my life."

I shook my head. "He's so lucky he has a career that makes this behavior acceptable."

"I don't know if it's entirely acceptable." Edward amended and I tipped my head from side to side in a noncommittal gesture.

"At least he looks happy."

The smile fell from my face. I thought about this a lot. As strange as Dr. Mullens may have appeared to all of us, he seemed content. He was doing something he loved and it fulfilled him. This was something I was sure everyone wanted, but how many of us could or would ever have it? I didn't think I could because no matter where I went or what I did my anxiety would still be a monkey on my back.

Edward must have noticed the change in my demeanor. After a few moments of silence, he cleared his throat to get my attention. When I looked up, he offered me a small smile, his eyes so sincere I thought it might stop my heart.

"You wanna do something fun today?" he asked.

"We have lab." I reminded him avoiding his question. I wasn't sure what he meant when he said 'fun.'

"So?" Edward's rebuttal was immediate. "I have math this afternoon. I can skip. We have at least three hours to screw off. Ditch the girls and we'll go somewhere."

I deliberated for a minute. What if Edward did try something with me? I had no idea what sort of plans he had for the afternoon and I had even less of an idea of what kind of activities I was prepared to take part in. When I reached up to push my hair out of my face, I realized I was sweating bullets. Had Edward noticed? I hoped to God he didn't.

"Um...I don't know. I don't wanna make you skip class." It was the only other good reason I could think of for turning him down. I was grasping at straws.

"You're not making me skip, I'm offering it up. In fact, I'd love to skip math. My professor's voice is mind-numbing." I opened my mouth to offer another excuse, but Edward stopped me. "I think you could use a little excitement in your life. Live a little."

I pursed my lips.

Excitement?

"Fine." I blurted out and I could see Dr. Mullens giving me the stink eye from the front of the room though I couldn't care less. I wasn't the only person not paying attention. "But don't come crying to me when you fail math and get stuck with Mr. Personality again next semester."

Edward's smile grew. "Deal. But I won't fail; I'm too smart for that." He winked and I stuck my tongue out at him.

When the lecture ended, I told Rose and Alice that I would see them in lab and followed Edward out the back doors of the lecture hall. I decided I wouldn't allow the strange looks I got from my two best friends to bother me. What I did in my personal life was none of their business anyway. I didn't really even understand why Rose cared so much. I'd never even asked her for her opinion.

"I have to stop by my place real quick and grab my wallet if that's okay with you."

I almost stopped dead in my tracks. He wanted me to come back to his apartment? Maybe Rose's opinion, whether I had requested it or not, had been correct all along. "Um, sure. No, I don't mind."

Did I mind?

We walked down to the canal apartments where Edward lived without saying a word. He asked me if I wanted to come up and not wanting to stand out in the cold, I took him up on this offer. A short, awkward, elevator ride later, I found myself back in the entryway of Edward's apartment. Wringing my hands and hoping that I hadn't gotten myself into a situation I wasn't ready to deal with, I watched as Edward set his keys on the counter and turned to face me.

"Can I get you anything to drink?" he asked gesturing towards the fridge.

I shook my head. "No, thanks, I'm good."

He nodded. "Okay. I'll be just a minute so make yourself at home."

"Thanks."

Edward went over to the closet on the other side of his unmade bed, pulled a jacket out of a pile on the floor and disappeared into the bathroom. I paced back and forth from the door to the other side of the tiny kitchen. It was hard to believe that I had slept in that bed just a few nights ago. If I were Rose, I would have done a lot more than slept. But I couldn't help but wonder if Edward would be talking to me today if I had. Would we, whatever we were, be finished? There was no way for me to know.

I waited for what felt like forever but was probably only a few minutes, asking myself why on earth I hadn't told him I was busy. Because, I reminded myself, your only other option was sitting in the library with Rose and Alice while they talk about their intended conquests. For once, it would be nice not to be the third wheel.

Edward emerged from the bathroom with a heavy leather jacket zipped over the hoodie he had worn to lecture that morning. I watched him grab a black wallet and a set of keys off of the counter and I turned to follow him. "You okay to walk for a while?" he asked me.

I glanced down at my worn-out gray jacket and shrugged. "Sure."

We walked further east and after a few minutes, I asked him where we were going. I was feeling perkier now that I knew any sort of sex was off the table. He had stopped for his wallet just as he'd said and this made me like him all the more.

He was honest.

But had he not tried anything with me because he was a gentleman or because he had no desire to do so? Once again, this was a question I could not possibly answer.

"I don't know. I haven't thought that far ahead," he chuckled. "Whatever catches your eye..."

I nodded.

"You hungry?" Edward asked.

I shook my head.

He fixed his eyes straight ahead and looked thoughtful for a moment before turning to me with renewed determination. "Okay. New plan. You like music, right?"

I nodded again. "Everybody loves music."

"Do you play any instruments?"

I furrowed my brow. "I picked up the piano a little when I was a kid. No one actuallytaught me to play or anything. It was kinda just a hobby. What does that have to do with anything?"

Ignoring my inquiry, Edward lit up with enthusiasm. "Me too. I started taking lessons when I was maybe eight, but I quit when I realized I could pretty much figure out how to play anything I wanted. Plus, classical music is all about structure, and what fun is that? There's nothing creative about playing it. Now...to be the guys that wrote those pieces...the classics, I mean...that would be something."

I grinned. "Yeah. I really wish I could play the guitar though."

"I play a bit," Edward admitted, pressing the crosswalk button and shoving his hands deep in the pockets. "I could teach you some if you'd like."

I shrugged. "Nah. Don't waste your time. I am incapable of coordinating that kind of hand movement."

We both laughed. I could feel myself blushing for no apparent reason.

"Did you play any sports in school?" Edward questioned. This made me laugh ever harder.

"Oh, God, no! You've noticed how accident-prone I am, right? I can't walk across a flat surface without tripping and hurting myself."

"Point taken."

"You wanna hear something really pitiful?"

"And what would that be?" he prompted.

I sighed and started in on my rather embarrassing story. "Well...when I was about thirteen I was at that point in my education where my brain was getting bigger and my athletic skill set was getting smaller."

Edward chuckled, running and hand through his messy auburn hair. "Okay."

"Anyway...I had a lot of injuries that year, and halfway through the semester I got hit in the nose with a basketball. It was broken and the principal made the executive decision that it would be in everyone's best interest if I were exempt from P.E."

"Really? You actually got kicked out of gym for being too klutzy?" I covered my face with both hands, regrettably nodding my head. "That's actually adorable," Edward admitted and I found myself peeking out from between my fingers.

"It's not, though. It's ridiculous. Who's even ever heard of that?" I argued though I couldn't hold back the little giggles bubbling up in the back of my throat.

Suddenly, Edward grabbed me by the hand and tugged me into a corner building. I missed the sign, out front, but once inside, it didn't take me long to figure out where we were. It was a music store. Edward pulled me past all of the guitars and other equipment, past the big sound systems and music books to the very back where they kept the grand pianos and sat me down in front of one.

"I haven't played in forever," I admitted, hoping he would let me out of this. Aside from my lack of practice recently, there was also the stage fright to consider. I didn't like to perform in front of crowds, even if it was just a crowd of one ...or rather a crowd of Edward.

"That's okay," he insisted, placing my fingers on the keys and taking a seat on the bench beside me. I watched as his fingers danced across the keys, tapping out the rhythm to 'Heart and Soul' and I grinned at him, giving in.

We played the two-part harmony it seemed every child who had ever taken a piano lesson knew, our arms occasionally brushing as my hands moved lower.

"Heart and soul...I fell in love with you, heart and soul...just like a fool would do, madly...because you stole my heart..."

I sang, mostly to myself and half-hoping that Edward would join. He was tone deaf, but I liked it.

I stumbled on the song's ending note and we both burst into hysterics. The tension between us seemed so silly now. I looked to my left and there he was, just inches from me, so comfortable and...understanding. I had never felt close to anyone in my entire life—not my mother or my sister or my friends. But, since that night in the parking lot, I had felt free to share things about myself that I hadn't previously thought to tell anybody. Strangely, I felt as though I could tell Edward anything. I wanted him to know me more than I had ever wanted anything before.

"You know..." he began and I fell silent. "I never knew the lyrics to that until just now."

"Really?"

He looked at me again with that same thoughtful expression. I waited for him to say something, but he didn't, just ran a hand nervously through his hair and stared at me.

"What?" I asked.

He shook his head, his lips parting as though he was going to speak, but then hesitating. I urged him on. "You're not like anyone I've ever met, Bella. You just...It seems as if you just know everything and you see everything. Like, really see it. I love that about you."

I dropped my eyes, feeling a bit uncomfortable. Though I wasn't sure what he meant by any of that, the word love had my heart skipping in ways I didn't appreciate. It was silly. I hardly knew him, but it made my breath catch. I needed to change the subject.

"So, what's next on the agenda?" I questioned without looking up at him.

"Whatever you want to do."

When I did look up, I felt guilty. Edward's expression had fallen. I had shot him down again without realizing it. I hadn't meant to; I'd just reacted. I turned my whole body in his direction, crossing my legs over the heavily polished bench and forcing him to meet my eyes. "I am kinda hungry after all..." I told him, offering him a small smirk.

He returned the gesture and bobbed his head up and down. "Well, you heard the lady." And there was that wink again. I could tell he was trying to recover his pride and I wouldn't interfere with his efforts.

Then, I remembered. "I don't have any money." I had forgotten about my monetary situation until then. My mother had somehow misplaced the envelope with my lunch money for the week, which meant she had already spent it. This was not the first time Renee had let her shopping habits run away with her. I could have bet my life that there was either a bottle of top-shelf vodka or a new dress hidden away in her closet. Regardless, I was broke. Now, my stomach was rumbling and it seemed like a much more pressing problem than it had been this morning.

"I got it."

I shook my head. "No. That's okay."

"No, seriously, I don't mind."

"I can't let you pay for my lunch, Edward." I insisted stubbornly. I didn't like taking handouts, even if I needed them.

Edward's lips drew into a hard line. "Fine. If you won't let me take you to lunch, how about letting me feed you leftovers. I have a fridge full of spaghetti at home and somebody has to help me eat it."

"You've already done so much for me. I don't want you to go out of your way..."

"It's not out of my way at all. I forgot to print my lab instructions anyway."

Edward got to his feet and waited for me to follow. I had been so scared of going to his apartment with him this morning, but now I couldn't say no. Feeling bold, I stood and threw my bag over my shoulder, shadowing Edward as we walked briskly past all of the shiny new equipment in the Meridian Music showroom.

The walk back seemed longer and the more time I spent shuffling through the light afternoon, pedestrian traffic, the more impatient and unsettled I became. Where had all of this bravery come from? I felt jittery, but I couldn't bring myself to care. I was always jittery. At this point, it was more like a fixture of my personality than an actual inconvenience. Besides, Edward seemed to be just as nervous as I was. Every once in a while, he would turn and offer me a small smile, then return his gaze to his feet and the sidewalk in front of him. When we finally made our way into the complex, I recognized that same awkward energy between us I had felt that first day in the library elevator. I was so aware of his movements and it appeared he was also aware of mine. We rode up to his floor on opposite sides of the small, stainless steel box, staring one another down.

"After you," Edward mumbled when the doors slid open with a ding. I gave him one stiff nod and stepped quickly out into the hall.

I waited for Edward to unlock the door before finding myself suddenly on the other side of it. I breathed in one shaky breath. Even though I had been here twice before, something felt different this time.

Edward took off his jacket and moved to throw it across the bed.

"I can hang up your coat if you want. We still have a while before class so..."

I nodded in agreement and shrugged out of my thin outerwear. I hadn't realized until just then that I was freezing. A shiver ran down my spine as I hugged my arms around my torso in an effort to get warm.

"Sorry, if I kept you out in the cold too long," Edward said sheepishly. He made his way over to the refrigerator and pulled out a pot of red sauce and a Ziploc bag full of cold pasta. "I just thought it would be nice to go somewhere off campus, you know?"

"It was."

We were facing each other in the small kitchen space, sandwiched between the breakfast bar and the counters, which lined the walls. I could feel his body heat he was so close, and suddenly, something in me changed.

I had spent most of my life being afraid of everything. I was afraid now, watching him watch me. However, something urged me to lean in closer, so I did. It was as though some force was pulling me towards him and whatever it was; curiosity, attraction, I couldn't seem to stop myself.

Edward was perfectly still as I ran a hand up the planes of his chest, coming to rest my palm just above where his heart beat. I looked up into his eyes and saw the same indecisiveness I had seen there earlier. It seemed to me as though Edward was always trying to figure out what was the best thing to do, the right thing to do. And, God, I hoped he thought the right thing was to kiss me.

I waited for some sort of sign in his expression that might tell me how he felt. I waited for him to make the choice, to close the gap between us. It seemed as though a lifetime went by with us just standing there, chests flush, breathing hard, sizing each other up. I had kissed boys before, but never one that made me feel like this.

"Bella..." Edward whispered his eyes softer than I had ever seen them. He was going to tell me something, but suddenly I wasn't sure I wanted to know what that something was.

I lifted myself onto my tiptoes and pressed my lips gently to his, hoping that if he had been planning to tell me he wasn't interested, this might change his mind. His lips were still beneath mine for a moment before they began to move and his hand came up to cup my cheek. I relaxed into him, letting my mouth fall further open, feeling his tongue as it skimmed over my lower lip and dipped inside. I moaned and Edward pulled me closer, his hands clutching hungrily at my waist.

The kiss was over just as abruptly as it had begun. Edward and I pulled away from one another slightly, still so close I could feel his breath on my quivering lips. My emotions were in overdrive. I could hardly believe what I'd just done. I couldn't speak. I didn't know what to say. Edward was silent, his eyes searching mine, seemingly a little panicked. Slowly, as we stood with our bodies pressed together in his dingy kitchen, I realized his startled expression must be a reflection of my own.

Was he glad that I had kissed him? Was I?

I shook my head slightly, feeling something clutch at my chest that I had neer felt before. I couldn't identify the sensation but it made my chest heave. Ordinarily, I would have removed myself from the situation but I couldn't budge an inch. I was like prey trapped under the glare of a predator. Yet, I had been the initiator of all this.

Edward pursed his lips, as he had a habit of doing, and took a deep breath, his hands still planted firmy on either hip. "Was that...okay?" he asked, one eyebrow raised skeptically.

I hesitated because I honestly wasn't sure. I had wanted him to kiss me. Did I want him to kiss me again? Did I want him to touh me? Did I like the way he looked at me now, all heavy breaths and flushed skin and wide eyes?

"Um..." I began, doing my best to sort through what I was feeling. I thought about telling him I had to leave but the thought made my stomache go sour, so I didn't. "Yeah, I think it was."

"You think?" Edward probed. His hands began to retreat from me. My throat tightened. I didn't want him to pull away from me.

"It was okay. It was good." I clarify quickly, my fingers clutching his shirt of their own accord. "It was good." I told him again, my gaze never leaving his eyes.

I felt him leaning towards me and glanced down at his lips. When our mouths met for the second time, I found I was less sure of myself. That first kiss had been sudden. I hadn't had any time to worry. This kiss, however, was slow and purposeful. I felt like I couldn't breath but Edward never faltered, pulling me impossibly closer and running his long, slender fingers through the mess of hair tied up on the crown of my head. He tilted his head to the side to kiss me more deeply and I sighed. Bella had left the building.

And for once, I stopped thinking. I stopped worrying. I stopped obsessing. It was just Edward and me, existing in this perfect moment.