AN: My one and only contribution to the red pants tradition. This has got to be the smuttiest Johnlock thing I've written – hence the rating change. I don't know if it really warrants it but better safe than sorry...Hope you guys enjoy!
4:21
Sherlock if you get an email from my sister do not open it.
JW
4:21
Your warning comes fifty-three seconds too late.
SH
4:24
Oh god - I am going to kill her!
JW
4:24
Don't expend the effort John. I don't see what you're so upset about anyway. You were already aware of the nature of our fans.
SH
4:25
Yes I'm aware but that doesn't mean she has to rub it in my face! It's embarrassing.
JW
4:26
If you're so upset perhaps you should shut down your ridiculous blog. And what's embarrassing about it? I find it rather intriguing.
SH
4:27
It's not ridiculous! Intriguing!? They're plastering the web with drawings of me in nothing but red pants! How the bloody hell is that intriguing!?
JW
4:28
I think you've just exhausted your exclamation point allowance for the week.
It's intriguing that they've correctly deduced our various sexual kinks. Not the sort of thing I'd spend my cognitive energy on - but each to their own. At least they're using their minds for something.
SH
4:29
Oh sod off. What do you mean correctly deduced? So they guessed you like me in red pants - a lot of people like the colour red. Stop admiring them!
JW
4:30
John, you really ought to calm yourself. Getting riled with remedy nothing. And I wasn't simply referring to the red pants.
SH
4:31
Oh god - you mean there's more they've created?!
JW
4:32
Yes. According to this Tumblr blog your charming sister sent through I have a military kink which includes a fondness for domination and dog-tags. Clever.
SH
4:33
What?! How the hell did they figure that out?
JW
4:34
I'm unsure. But they've also got your bondage kink - with my scarf. They're very perceptive.
SH
4:35
Oh my god... Why? What have I ever done to deserve this?!
JW
4:35
You're being melodramatic, John.
SH
4:36
Melodramatic? They're plastering the internet with my kinks, Sherlock! That sort of thing is supposed to be private!
JW
4:36
Don't be absurd, John. At this point it's only fan theory - very accurate theories - but theories nonetheless. Just ignore them.
SH
4:37
I suppose you're right...
JW
4:38
Of course I am. Though I'm very curious as to how they've deduced all this. They even got your language kink. I didn't even know about that until a few weeks ago.
SH
4:38
What?! I do not have a language kink!
JW
4:39
No? Then would you care to explain the signs of arousal I read from you when I was interviewing that Frenchman?
SH
4:40
You're being ridiculous. You just got it wrong. It does happen to you on occasion.
JW
4:41
Oh, my mistake then. I suppose this means I shouldn't brush up on my human anatomy...
SH
4:42
What are you on about?
JW
4:44
Oh it's nothing really. I simply thought you might find it enjoyable for me to murmur the Latin names of your body parts as I do...various things to them. However since my deduction was incorrect there's no reason to bother.
SH
4:47
Fine you win you bastard. I do have a language kink...
JW
4:48
Oh - So I should continue my anatomy studies then?
SH
4:49
Yes. Maybe I'll "quiz" you when I get home...
JW
4:50
Oh! That's one of yours they don't have – a teacher/learning kink!
JW
4:51
No, they've got that one as well.
SH
4:52
I really hate the internet...
JW
4:53
And I completely despise the lines at Tesco.
SH
4:54
I agree – but that's random.
JW
4:55
Not at all. The lines are long and slow and you have to stand in them which mean I have to wait longer for you to get home.
SH
4:56
Oh – right. We don't need milk all that desperately...
JW
If convenient please review; if inconvenient review anyway.
KP