Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. Shout out to Fran for beta'ing this fic and thanks for reading!

So, somehow, the innocent kiss with Edward had escalated into a full-on makeout session and ten minutes later, I found myself sitting on the breakfast bar with a very enthusiastic Edward standing between my legs. I wasn't exactly sure how my worst fear before coming to his apartment this morning had become a reality: one set into motion by yours truly.

I could feel Edward's hand on the little sliver of skin between my sweater and my jeans. It was slowly creeping further up my back, but I didn't exactly know how to stop it, or if I even wanted to stop it at all.

"Edward," I mumbled in between kisses, more than a little embarrassed by how wanton I sounded. This was not me. I was never like this. But the feeling between my legs told me something different.

"Bella," he whispered back.

What did this mean? It was the question of the day … of my entire life, actually. That was my problem. I was always looking for meaning where maybe there was none. All I knew was that Edward was kissing me and I was tugging on his hair, panting and pushing myself against him. It was all escalating so fast. I felt out of control, but some part of me liked it.

"Edward, I..." I mumbled again, his mouth swallowing up the rest of my sentence. I couldn't think clearly when he was so close. What had I wanted to say to him? Did it matter? No. His hand was all the way up the back of my shirt now, his fingers ghosting delicately over the bare skin below my shoulder blades. "Oh..."

Then, there was a knock at the door.

Everything stopped.

I held my breath.

I felt like a kid who'd been caught breaking some fundamental rule. Edward pulled away from me, murmured a quick "hold on a sec," and went to see who it was. He looked through the peephole and groaned. The door fell open but only a fraction of the way.

"What do you want?" Edward griped. I'd never seen him this openly agitated.

"I've got beer," came a deep voice from the other side of the door, as though this was an obvious explanation. I could almost hear Edward rolling his eyes.

"How did you even get in the fucking building?" he chuckled though he didn't widen the opening to let the stranger in.

"Jasper buzzed me in. He's on his way down now."

"Ugh. No. I'm busy."

I craned my head to see who this guy was. A tall, heavily muscled man came into view. When he saw me, recognition dawned on his face.

"You got a girl in there?" he enthusing, smirking at Edward. "Isn't it a little early in the day for booty calls? Good for you, man."

The man outside laughed, but Edward didn't seem amused.

"Not funny, Em. I'll see you guys later tonight, okay?"

"Whatever you say, Eddie." he replied with a wink.

When the door was shut behind him, Edward looks indecisive again. He didn't come towards me, just watched me where I sat, perched on his counter top. "I'm really sorry about that," he offered, biting his lip anxiously. I would be lying if I said I wasn't more than a little embarrassed, but I nodded and told him that it was all right.

"Emmet can be kind of a skeeze, but he means well."

I nodded again. Half of me wanted to resume kissing him while the other half of me just wanted a little blue pill. I seriously thought about bolting. Maybe I could ditch lab and just go home. Then, I thought better of it. Home to what? To my mother and my sister's empty bedroom?

Instead, I decided to let this play out. I had never taken a real risk in my life outside of the incessant pill popping which was, in my defense, completely sanctioned by my psychiatrist. I was in foreign territory, but I had put myself there. The discomfort overwhelming me had not been imposed upon me by something out of my control, such as my drunk, dying mother or my anxiety disorder. For the first time ever, I decided to take a gamble on something I thought I might want. So, I sat there and waited for Edward to make his move.

After a few moments of saying nothing, Edward came towards me again, approaching me the way someone might approach a cornered animal. Maybe it was my inclination towards getting angry at his advances or maybe he was just unsure of where we stood; maybe both. Either way, he took his sweet time closing the small divide separating us. His eyes shifted from mine to the ground. I'd teetered back and forth between love and hate so often with Edward that the poor guy was getting whiplash.

What was wrong with me?

Just as I didn't know how to act around him, he didn't know how to act around me because I was unpredictable. My mood was always swinging from one extreme to another and he knew that.

I decided I needed to prove him wrong.

I swallowed back my nerves and reached between us, pulling his chin upwards so that we made eye contact once more. I nodded at him deliberately. It was a slow and meaningful gesture and I hoped he understood, but just in case he didn't, I told him. "It's more than okay, Edward."

His eyebrows were raised so high I thought they were going to blur into his hairline. After a month and a half of, dare I say, sexual tension, Edward and I were finally beginning to understand what we wanted from one another. A brilliant, crooked smile lit up Edward's face and all of a sudden, he looked mischievous.

"Good." he beamed.

His lips were on mine again; his hands finding their way back to where they had rested on my bare back. I felt him nip gently at my lower lip with his teeth and whimpered. I could feel myself getting wet.

I wasn't hungry anymore. The cold spaghetti on the counter beside us was all but forgotten. Biology was pushed far from my mind. I didn't give a damn about any of it. All that mattered was this incredible heat building up inside me.

When Edward tried to lift the hem of my shirt, I didn't stop him. Before I knew what had happened, I was half naked before him. I couldn't help but think that this was the most of my body that anyone had seen since I was running around my mother's old house in diapers. I felt frightened. My heart beat out a ragged rhythm as he kissed down my body, his large, calloused hands fondling me in places I had never been touched before. But I couldn't shake the memory of what Rose had said to me a few days before.

'I bet he thought you guys were gonna hook up...does he think you're weird now?'

It had sounded so harsh to me, but it was the truth. Most girls my age had a decent resume as far as sex went, while I had no experience whatsoever. The last boy I'd kissed had been the son of my dad's friend when I was fifteen and it had only happened a handful of times. I had always been an unusual girl, regarded as fragile, withdrawn and innocent. I didn't want to be that girl anymore.

I spoke before I could think any better of it.

"Edward, will you have sex with me?" It came in a quipped tone, straight and to the point. He froze, lifting his head from where he was below me, kissing along my collarbone.

"What?" he asked, sounding more than a little surprised.

I took a deep, steadying breath and pressed on. I had always been stubborn, and when I made up my mind about something, I usually could not be dissuaded. "I want you to make love to me, Edward," I told him again, arching my back to emphasize my bare chest. "Don't you want to?"

I could hear Edward's breath hitch as he nodded in affirmation. His hands came up to cup my breasts before winding their way around to my backside. He lifted me off the counter and walked us swiftly over to the bed where he dropped me. I fell back against the soft, graycomforter with a quiet thump. We laid there kissing and groping at one another for a long while before something shifted.

I felt Edward's finger pulling at the button of my jeans and yanking them down followed by his own. My panties and his boxers joined the small pile of clothing growing on the floor. I was entirely naked now and feeling rather self-conscious, but I figured one naked girl was just as good as the next. There was no sense in worrying over how I compared to the other girls Edward had been with because obviously he had been with other girls.

When I glanced down, I gasped. I had never seen a penis in the flesh before and the sight of Edward so close to where my arousal was centered struck me with fear. It was all very real now. Edward's hands drifted lower and lower. I almost stopped him, but when his fingers drifted over my clitoris, I felt something new entirely.

"Oh, God, Edward..." I cried out. Encouraged by this, he plunged a finger inside me. I whimpered, hoping that the neighbors hadn't heard me. I had touched myself before, but this was different. I couldn't describe the way he was making me feel. "Oh, my God, Edward, yes. Please!"

I didn't know what I was begging for, but Edward pumped into me harder, and in a matter of minutes, I heard the sound of a condom wrapper being ripped open. I looked up and Edward was stilled above me, asking permission with his eyes. I was at the point of no return now and a choice had to be made. Reaching up, I grabbed the hem of his t-shirt and pulled it over his head. My hands ran up and down the hard lines of his abdomen. He seemed so perfect to me. I was not the girl who was asked out by handsome boys. I was not the girl who got kissed by handsome boys and I certainly had never been the girl who got fucked by handsome boys. Yet, here I was. I decided to take the plunge.

I nodded.

Edward pushed forward quite suddenly and I cried out. I'm not gonna lie, it really hurt. I felt a single tear sliding down my cheek.

I huffed once.

I was fine.

I had done it.

Edward was inside of me. I pushed down the frenzied panic and opened my eyes. I was shocked by what I saw.

Edward looked absolutely horrified.

"What?" I asked, furrowing my brow. What could possibly be wrong?

"Bella, are you...a virgin?" He said 'virgin' as if it was a dirty word.

I shrugged, admittedly inappropriately considering the circumstance. "Not anymore."

Edward's head fell to my shoulder. He still hadn't moved. The pain had subsided, but now I was experiencing something much worse: rejection.

"Are you okay? Do you want me to..."

"I'm fine." I insisted though now I wasn't quite sure that I was. "Just...keep going."

I tried to move a bit beneath him to convince him that I was all right, which must have worked because soon he was rocking back and forth against me, panting and groaning into my ear. When he lifted my knee to change the angle, I cried out. I felt so full, so...connected. How had I gone my whole life without this? Edward thrust in and out of me at a slow, measured pace, increasing by tiny increments as time passed. I grew louder and he moved faster.

"Oh, my God, Bella...agh, Bella."

I loved the way he said my name and when I felt his hand slip between our slick, sweat-glistening bodies to rub my clit, I lost it. I screamed and came so hard it made me dizzy.

How had I never done this?

Edward followed close behind me and the sensation of him twitching inside me was surprisingly distinguishable. I didn't need any experience to know how this worked. He collapsed on top of me, droopy eyed and out of breath. My limbs felt like rubber. It all felt very surreal.

I'd actually had sex with Edward.

When he rolled off me and out of me, I felt empty. He hopped out of bed and bounded across the room where he quickly pulled on his jeans. Was this the inevitable let down I'd been dreading? The practical side of me told me it was. I propped myself up on my elbows, feeling just as naked as I was, and pulled the blanket over me. Edward was pacing, pulling at his hair until he looked like a maniac.

"Bella, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I...I didn't know you were...I assumed...I assumed I wasn't the first guy...damn it." His jaw clenched and he looked at me with wild eyes. I had never seen someone so apologetic in my life. I just didn't understand why. I wanted to ask him what in the world he was so upset about, but I felt tongue-tied. It felt like someone was stepping on my throat. I prayed to God I wouldn't have a panic attack here, naked in Edward's bed. That would really be the cherry on top. "Listen, I never would have had sex with you if I had known..."

When he had first gotten up, I had been hurt. However, now, this admission made me murderous. He never would have had sex with me if he had known what? That I was a virgin?

"Great." I seethed, gathering the comforter around me and shimmying out of bed. I was beyond embarrassed, but mostly, I was pissed. "That's just fucking great. Okay. I'm sorry I got my cooties on you; hopefully, my virginity isn't catching."

Edwards jaw dropped.

I ripped the comforter from around me and shoved it in his chest. When I bent to pick up my clothes, I remember that I was naked, but I couldn't bring myself to care. I was on a full-on rampage and there was no stopping me now.

"Bella, that's not what I meant..."

"Yeah, sure. You're worried I'm gonna get all attached to you or something just because you were my first. Don't flatter, yourself, Edward."

"Oh, my God, Bella! You are blowing this way out of proportion! I never said anything like that! All I was saying was that..."

I had pulled my sweater on, but my foot kept getting snagged on the holes in my jeans so I gave up. "You don't owe me anything, Edward. I don't need an explanation."

"Bella, hold on a second!"

But I didn't.

I threw my bag over my shoulder and stormed out the front door of his apartment with my pants rolled up under my arm. When I heard the door open behind me, I spun around to face a flustered, barely dressed Edward. I didn't need to hear any excuses.

"Bella-"

I couldn't look at him. I could barely breathe. He couldn't see me like this. I wouldn't allow it. "I don't want to talk to you!" I shouted, turning on my heels and storming away. He followed and I turned on him once more. "I told you I don't want to talk, Edward!"

"But, Bella-"

"No!"

"Don't be like this. I didn't mean-"

"It doesn't matter, Edward."

He took a step back and nodded stoically. I had effectively silenced him but my own thoughts were still blaringly loud. I watched him walk back to his room with glassy eyes. I realized all too late that I had left my underwear behind and was now standing in a public hallway angry, freshly fucked and wearing a shirt that just barely covered my butt cheeks. How had I ever thought this was a good idea? I was gripped with remorse and the most sickening feeling.

I was just like my mother.

Absentmindedly, I wondered how many times she had been in this position. I wondered if her long and sordid past had begun in a similar manner. I was disappointed in myself, but mostly, I felt like crying. I shuffled down the hall to the staircase and plopped down beside it. Ripping my bag open, I searched desperately for my Valium. When I found it somewhere near the bottom, I unscrewed the top and poured several into my palm. The sensation of them sliding down my throat made me feel a bit relieved. At least I knew that relief was coming. I waited a long time for my heartbeat to slow, for my hyperventilation to subside, but it didn't. Half an hour passed and nothing had changed. I was still a blubbering mess. Tiny hiccups escaped my lips. I had never felt so low in my life.

I couldn't face lab. It was time to go home.

I got to my feet and pulled on my jeans. Somehow, my hair had come undone, so I tied it back up into my usual sloppy bun and wiped away my tears. I didn't feel like taking the elevator so I walked down to the first floor and out into the street, feeling lost and confused. I was such an idiot. How could I have let this happen?

I didn't remember walking back to my car or driving home. Instead, I found myself inexplicably back in the dingy, unlit, front entry of the apartment. It seemed colder and emptier than usual and I dragged myself to the kitchen. I had made the one mistake I had promised myself I would never make. Had I tricked Edward into sleeping with me? His words echoed in my mind. I never would have had sex with you if I had known...

My stomach growled and suddenly I was hyper aware of the hunger pangs I had been vaguely aware of all day. I made my way to the fridge and threw open the door in hopes that maybe, Renee had found the time to buy something. But, as usual, all I found was yogurt and a discount bottle of Svedka. I stared down that bottle, contemplating what sort of power it held. My mother had spent her life drowning her sorrows in it.

Again, I didn't think. I felt my hands wrapping themselves around the cool glass, and the metal cap twisting off in my palm. It burned going down and I scrunched up my nose at the new sensation. Was this what it was supposed to taste like? I had never drunk before for obvious reasons. Alcohol had always frightened me. I was afraid of losing control, afraid of becoming someone like Renee. But, in all of my efforts to maintain some meager grip on my sanity, I had failed. I was no better than her or any of the wandering men she had carted in and out of my life. I was a disaster, just the same as all of them.

Along with my booze, I grabbed my CD player and headed for the bathroom. I turned the shower on full blast and popped in one of my dad's, old Zeppelin tapes. The small stack of rock albums in my bedroom was all I really had left of him. There were no vivid memories or memorabilia of the time he had spent with me; just a few, overplayed, classic rock records that I hoarded shamelessly.

This particular album was 'Physical Graffiti.' It had been released in 1975, after the debut of 'Stairway to Heaven.' I listened to the familiar intro to 'In my Time of Dying' and stripped out of my clothes. I felt dirty. I stepped into the hot spray, the heavy glass bottle of clear liquid gripped in my hand as I sang along. "In my time of dying, want nobody to mourn...All I want for you to do is take my body home...well, well, well, so I can die easy..."

I sat down on the floor of the shower and nursed my drink, crying silently and letting the water wash over me.