Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

By the time dinner rolled around, I was three sheets to the wind.

I had never been drunk before, but it seemed to suit me. I could only assume it was in my blood. When I got out of the shower, I pulled on my mother's, blue satin robe, and, rather than returning the CD player to my room, gathered up all of my tapes and my stereo and set them up in the kitchen.

Drunk dancing over the cool kitchen tiles turned into drunk spaghetti making and terribly loud singing. When I burned my fingertip on the hot edge of a pan, I jumped and cursed loudly.

"Ah, shit!" I shook out the throbbing pain in my appendage and went back to stirring the pot.

My mind was bleary, but not so much that I had forgotten the events of this afternoon.

Edward: I was so angry with him I could scream, although I was trying very hard not to act on that impulse. Who did he think he was anyway? I thought about calling him on the phone before I remembered that we had never exchanged numbers. All there was to do was sit in my kitchen and stew. I watched the water for the noodles begin to boil along with my anger.

What was I going to do when I went back to biology? My first exam was this coming Friday. I had been hoping to get an A and I felt fairly confident, but now I was kind of hoping I would fail. At least that would give me an excuse to drop the class, as though having a one-night stand with your lab partner wasn't reason enough. I popped the cap on the Svedka for the six or seventh time that evening and took a big swig.

I heard my phone's muted ring and went to look for it under the pile of books and other things spread over the kitchen table. I had made a feeble attempt earlier to do my homework, but the words seemed to be jumping across the page. Tossing the forgotten homework aside, I picked up my outdated cell and flipped it open.

"Hel-lo?" I said, a hiccup disrupting the word halfway through.

"Bella?" queried a voice from the other end line.

"I'm s-sorry..." I slurred. "Who is this?"

"It's Alice." I took a deep breath. I really didn't want to talk to anybody, but I supposed Alice was the least of all evils. "Bella, are you okay? Why didn't you come to lab today? Edward was looking for you. He seemed weird and I wanted to make sure nothing had happened to you."

I gagged a little before answering. I didn't feel too well. "N-it's othing...I mean, it's nothing. Stupid. I'm just so stupid."

I could hear Alice gasping into the receiver. "Bella, are you drunk?"

"No." I swallowed, but it wasn't very convincing.

"Oh, my God, Bella. You don't even sound coherent. Where are you?"

"Where do y-you think, Al...Alice?"

"I'm not kidding, Bella. Where are you?"

"I'm at home. I'm... s'fine."

"Hold tight. I'll be there soon."

"No!" I shouted. I couldn't stand for anyone to see me this way.

"Don't be ridiculous, Bella. You shouldn't be alone right now. Is anyone with you?"

"What do you th-think?" For some reason, rhetorical questions were pouring out of me.

"Okay. I'm leaving now. I'll see you in a few."

The line went dead.

Alice didn't have a car. She shared one with her mother who lived near campus, which meant she probably had no way of getting to my apartment thirty minutes away. I noticed I was getting a little dizzy so I sat down on the floor right where I was, all else forgotten. I called out for someone to come help me to my bedroom, but there was no one there. My mother was, who knows where, and my sister was out somewhere socializing. I couldn't even muster up the energy to be angry with them. Instead, I resolved myself to loneliness and laid back on the chilled white tiles, letting Pink Floyd's 'Wish You Were Here' wash over me. I floated away on the melody, and the alcohol… music mixing, making my blood sing. For a split second, I understood why Renee was like this; I understood the way someone could numb them self, however, this was not the first time I had been numb, I realized. I did it every day, one way or another. We all had our own personal brands of destruction. Mine was simply different from hers.

I closed my eyes and hummed along, imagining pretty things, the sort of things I had dreamed of when I was a child. I dreamed of faraway beaches, wildflowers and the open road. Far away from the gloomy gray colors of my midwestern home and these four walls that seemed to have fenced me in permanently. I imagined what it would be like to have the sort of freedom that this music made me feel.

Everybody died. Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and Jimmy Page: they burned bright and fast, but at least they burned. My flame seemed as though it was extinguished for so long. It was hard to remember anything but this emptiness. Today had been a first. I had burned and it had blown up in my face.

Ordinarily, I might have gone to see the Good Doctor on a day like this. Instead, I'd drank myself into a stupor. Oddly, I didn't feel any worse for it. It wasn't his fault that therapy had failed me. It was my own. I was my own worst enemy and no amount of drugs or discussion could stop me from doing what I did best: thwarting myself.

"Bella?" a voice called.

I opened my eyes.

At first, I thought it might be my mother but when I looked up, I saw Alice standing in the doorway, soaking wet, her face contorted by concern.

"Honey, what happened?" she cried, dropping to her knees beside me and pulling me into an upright position. I slumped forward, not anticipating how heavy my body actually way. When had I got this heavy?

"Ugh." I groaned, struggling to straighten my spine and finally succeeding.

"Just...come on, Bella. Let's get you to your room before your mom gets home."

Alice looped my arm around her and pulled me to my feet. I scoffed. "Renee doesn't care." I spat, but she led me away anyways.

"I'm sure that's not true."

It was nothing but false comfort. I had taken my mother's advice this afternoon and look where it had landed me.

It was a long and exhausting to get from the kitchen to the bedroom. I made it finally, a little flustered but fine. Alice excused herself for a moment. I heard the sound of water sizzling and pots clanging before she reappeared at last with a large glass of water and a damp towel. She didn't say a word, only handed me the glass and motioned for me to drink.

We sat there Indian-style in silence for a moment before Alice finally got around to pushing me for answers one again.

"What happened, Bella?"

My first instinct was to refuse her request for an explanation but when I looked up into her eyes, I knew I would never be able to get away with a lie. Alice really did care. I tried to speak but found myself shrugging instead. I couldn't say the words. It was just too embarrassing.

"Is it your mom?" I shook my head. "Bree?" Again, I shook my head. "Edward?"

That one hit a nerve. I winced as though the mere mention of his name hurt like a slap in the face. "I see," Alice replied in a quiet tone, her gaze dropping to her hands. She looked angry. "What Rosalie said...you know she doesn't think things through..."

I was beginning to break through the haze. Was I sobering up? Lord, I hoped not. I wasn't ready.

I shook my head yet again. "It's not what R...Rose said."

"Then what happened, Bel?"

I pursed my lips and sighed. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I hated to cry in front of people but it was too late. The floodgates had already opened. "We...um. Well...I slept with him...today after lecture. For the first time."

Alice's brow furrowed. "Okay. So...what went wrong? Did you not like it? Was he rough with you? Are you hurt? I'll kill him."

I shook my head, letting more tears fall. "No, it was great. I just...I think he regretted it and now I regret it. I don't think it meant anything. I don't know...how am I supposed to go back to bio now? I mean, he freaked when he found out I was a virgin." I was a virgin, those words seemed so odd to me...

Alice rubbed my back methodically, nodding to indicate that she understood. I cried and she let me. I didn't need to explain. She wasn't asking me for answers, just that I let her in on what was bothering me. Before long, I had run out of tears to cry and plopped down on my pillow in frustration.

"Bel?" Alice prodded.

"Yeah?"

"Don't let him get to you, okay? So maybe he's a jerk. Go back into that lab with your head held high. You didn't do anything wrong, all right? It's normal."

Huh. Normal. Why had I ever wanted to be normal?

Alice stayed the night with me. We didn't say much more after that, but she slept in my bed with me and hushed me when I cried. Alice was good that way. She didn't judge you. She simply wanted to be a part of whatever was happening. She wanted to help me, and though I typically didn't welcome help, I needed it tonight.

When I went back to class on Wednesday, I still didn't feel any better. If anything, I'd had more time to brood. I was angrier than ever. So I sat in the very back row of lecture and blockaded the entry to the aisle to protect myself from Edward though I doubted I would be seeing him today. He had gotten what he'd wanted from me and we had no more business together, other than our labs, of course.

I was early as usual so the hall was empty, which was fine with me. I liked the quiet, so I plugged my headphones into my ears and hit the play button on my favorite playlist. This time, it was Van Morrison's 'Crazy Love.' The tune was putting me to sleep, but I tried to focus my energy on fixing my hair. I had attempted to look nice today, mostly because I didn't want to look like a hot mess the next time I happened to see the man I had given my virginity to, forty-eight hours before. I had worn my nicest sweater dress: a soft, baby blue tunic type thing with three-quarter length sleeves and pretty white lace trimming the bottom. I had decided to keep my signature- sloppy bun because I thought it suited me. My hair was too long to wear down without it being a bother. I lifted my mother's tiny compact I had shoved into my bag that morning to check my mascara.

And that was when I saw him standing behind me.

"A true seventies fan through and through, I see," Edward whispered in my ear, having yanked one of the buds out so I could hear him. He was so close the feel of his breath on my neck made me shiver.

I scowled. "What do you want?"

"Come on, Bella, don't be like that."

I slammed the compact shut and tossed it away. I refused to look at him.

"I am being like that." I snapped.

I heard him walk around the aisle though I still didn't raise my eyes from where they were burning a hole into the back of the seat in front of me. I heard him climbing over my things with some difficulty, but it wasn't long before he had plopped down beside me. Our arms brushed against one another and I pulled away instinctively.

"I'm not interested in speaking to you, Edward," I told him as coolly as I could.

He snorted. "Really? That's how you're gonna play this?"

"Yep." I gave him one stiff nod, crossing my arms over my chest.

Just then, Alice and Rose shuffled into the seats on the other side of me. When I glanced over, I saw Rose's eyes brimming with pride. Alice, on the other hand, did not look amused. She looked murderous.

"Just...you didn't let me explain, Bella. My words didn't come out right at all. I need you to know that..."

"What is there to explain, Edward? It was a mistake. I'm sorry I asked." I shrugged my pissed off, indifferent shrug and locked my eyes on the professor entering the room.

"Damn it, Bella! Do you always have to do that? You always interrupt me before I can finish what I'm saying and then I have to track you down and fucking fix it!" he exclaimed, gesturing wildly with his hands.

"Fix what, Edward? I didn't know there was anything to fix."

"Seriously. Bella we just had se-"

"Did you want the whole world to know?" I hissed, cutting him off. People were shuffling into the hall in hordes now and Edward's voice was growing too loud. The last thing I wanted was for people to know what we'd done, to know how I had been humiliated.

"Sorry, but it's important. I just really need to tell you..."

"Bella doesn't want to talk to you. I think she's made that clear." I glanced over at Alice, who was glaring daggers at the side of Edward's head.

Edward pursed his lips, refusing to budge an inch.

"You have to talk to me sometime."

"Says who?" I shot back.

"Me!" Edward shouted and, this time, everybody turned to look at us.

"Fine!" I shouted back and got up from my seat, storming out of the lecture hall and making a spectacle of myself.

Edward followed me out. I grabbed him by the arm and pulled him into one of the vending machine alcoves off to the side that always seemed to be empty. It was the closest thing to private we were going to get, not that it mattered now. My little outburst had alerted everyone to our argument. Hopefully, no one would be able to put two and two together.

"Go, ahead, Edward. Explain to me again exactly why you waited until you were inside me to decide that you didn't really want to sleep with me."

My words knocked him back a little bit. He looked at me, pained, as though I had physically hurt him. "Is that what you think happened?" he asked, his voice softening. It almost sounded like he was choking on his own words.

I rolled my eyes, throwing my arms up in the air. "That is what happened, Edward!" I was still fuming.

"No, it's not. If you'd stuck around long enough after to let me explain, you would understand what I was trying to say to you!"

I scoffed. "I'm not sure how you could have said what you said in a way to make me feel okay about it. Anyway you cut it, I was humiliated!"

"That's the point!" Edward exclaimed. "I didn't want you to feel that way. That's why...that's why I hit the panic button when I realized I was your first!"

"Don't flatter yourself, Edward. I don't care if you were my first. I'm a big girl. I can handle myself." Though I wasn't entirely sure if that was true or not. "It's not like there's a rule that says I have to be eternally in love with you or anything like that. So, let's just forget the whole thing happened and put it behind us. Then you won't have to explain anything to me. We'll finish the semester and you don't ever have to talk to me af..."

Suddenly, Edward cupped my face securely between his hands, leaning in so close I could almost taste his breath on my lips. "Oh, my God! Would you just shut up for one second, Bella?"

I was speechless. I didn't know what to say. Edward stared me down, his deep green eyes boring into mine and I was mesmerized. How did he manage to do this to me? Now, when he touched me, I was reminded of all the places he had touched me before, of the places his mouth had been. I could feel my traitorous heart pounding away in my chest. Why me?

"That's better. I think I'm beginning to understand how to best get your attention," he chuckled, cracking a sad half-smile. "Will you let me try to make this better?" he asked.

I nodded, apparently struck mute by his proximity.

"Good. Okay, here it goes." Edward inhaled deeply before going on, never breaking his contact with me. "First of all, making love to you, Bella, was not a mistake. It was incredible. That was not the problem. When we got back to the apartment and we were kissing, I was so happy. I...I'd liked you since the first day I met you, but nothing ever seemed to work out between us so I just kind of figured that you were never going to be interested in me. But I kept trying. Then everything happened. I just...I didn't expect you to proposition me like that, and, when you did, I assumed you must have done it before. I mean, that's not how most girls go about losing their virginity. So, I just did it because I wanted you so fucking bad, Bella, you have no idea.

"Then, when I realized you'd never done it before, I panicked because...well, it wasn't exactly the most romantic situation and I felt terrible. If I had known you were so inexperienced, I wouldn't have just pushed into you like that. I would have taken more time with you. I mean, we hadn't even gone on a real date and my whole approach was so...forward. I'm sure the entire experience was pretty uncomfortable for you, but then you moved and...I just couldn't control myself. Afterward...I just felt so guilty, I freaked out. I felt like a pig, honestly. I mean, your first experience with..."

"You make it sound like some awful, dirty, rape scene or something." I interrupted and Edward gave me a look. I shrugged.

"Let me finish," he said sternly, arching his brown. "When I went after you, you seemed so angry and then you said it didn't matter. Regardless, I don't want you to think that it was just a hookup; at least, it wasn't to me. You are so much more than a hookup to me, Bella, and I want you to understand that. Even though we jumped into bed together, it doesn't change what I want...what I've wanted all along."

"And what is that?" I pressed, curious now.

Edward looked away from me, wringing his hands. "Why is this so hard to say? Okay. I...feel very connected to you. I...I have feelings for you, Bella, like real feelings. I didn't say anything because, well, we haven't known each other that long and you tell me to go to hell all the time and I took that as a bad sign. But, after Monday, I had to tell you."

I didn't know how to respond to that.

"Well, aren't you going to say anything?" Edward asked his voice a little more strained than usual.

I thought for a moment before speaking. "I was glad you were my first...until you said you didn't want to be." I clarified because I needed him to know that, in my book, he hadn't done anything wrong by sleeping with me.

He exhaled sharply, shaking his head back and forth. "No. I'm glad it was me. I just wish I could have made it more..."

"No. It was wonderful, Edward. That was not the problem."

We were both quiet for a moment. Edward let his hands glide from my cheeks down my arms to hold mine. We couldn't look at each other. There was too much left unspoken between us.

"You don't have feelings for me then?" he questioned. His Adam's apple quivered and I felt my heart clench. I couldn't imagine that I was the one making Edward nervous.

"I...I do. I think I do."

"You think?"

This time, I arched my brow at him.

"All right," he allowed. "'Think' is good enough...for now, at least."

"Well, aren't we ambitious." I couldn't help but give him a hard time.

He laughed at my statement, his face a little more red than usual. "Shut up," he jested and bent his head to stare at his feet. We stood there for a while longer before Edward spoke again. "So...I don't really wanna go back into lecture now."

I smiled. "Ya. Lecture does seem kind of out now, doesn't it?"

This time, we both laughed and Edward pulled me by the hand toward the exit. I followed willingly.

It was still cold, but the winds were letting up. I had no jacket on today, but it felt nice to be out in the open air. Mostly, I was just relieved that what had happened between Edward and me hadn't been what I'd thought. In the blink of an eye, I found myself back in Edward's apartment, perched on his unmade bed and buzzing with dizzying excitement. Leonard Cohen played softly from the CD player on Edward's nightstand and I knew I had never felt so happy in my whole life.

Suddenly, all the years of heartbreak just didn't matter anymore because being here with him made me feel so alive. It was all so far away: my dead father, my sick, blitzed out mother, my anxiety. When he kissed me, it all fell away. I whimpered a little, letting my mouth fall further open as his hand ran up my sides and into my hair.

"Edward..." I hummed.

He kissed me once chastely and pulled back a bit so he could see my face. "Are you okay, Bella?" he questioned, his eyebrows pulled together into a worried line. Obviously, he'd misunderstood the meaning behind my words.

I nodded. "Yes, I'm great."

Gripping one of his hands in mine, I guided his palm to my chest. I wanted him to understand, that even though I was inexperienced, the way he touched me was eagerly welcomed. I arched my back and pressed him into me. I felt his hesitation but ignored it, running my own hands lower on his body, hoping that he would understand what I wanted. His body fell over me then, crushing me into the bed. It wasn't uncomfortable. Edward's weight, the way his arms seemed to be everywhere, enclosing me: it all made me feel so safe. I ran my feet over the back of his legs, practically begging him with my body.

"Stop teasing me." Edward murmured against my lips. I could feel him smiling.

"I'm not teasing you, Edward." He angled his head so he could kiss my neck and I whimpered again. "Oh, Edward, please."

I knew it was stupid for me to initiate sex for the second time. I knew the smart thing to do would be for me to wait and let him chase me. I knew I shouldn't be so readily available, but I couldn't help myself. I felt drunk on his touches. Nothing had ever made me this high.

Before I'd met Edward, every day had been the same. I lived in shades of gray, always dreaming of color but never getting to see it for myself. Suddenly, I was experiencing those feelings I had so often heard about while singing along to old rock albums in my bedroom. Edward and I were Technicolor and the idea of being anything else suddenly terrified me.

I felt Edward's arousal against me and adjusted us so he was pressing into me at just the right angle. When he groaned in my ear, I knew I had done something right. "Edward...oh, please." I hummed.

"Ugh...you'll be the death of me." he chuckled but the desire was thick in his voice.

"Everybody has to die somehow," I whispered, sucking on his earlobe.

In a matter of minutes, we were naked and panting again. I closed my eyes as he eased slowly inside of me for the second time. It felt a little tight, but it didn't hurt. I let him move in and out of me a few times before opening my eyes again.

When I looked up, I was struck by Edward's expression. Everything had been so rushed the first time, but now our lovemaking was slow and very...personal. I was impossibly close to him, of course, but when he looked at me that way, as if I was his oxygen, it almost stopped my heart.

I wasn't entirely sure that I had ever been loved by anyone.

I was just Bella.

I was there.

But no one needed me. The way Edward's eyes roamed my features, however, made him look desperate, almost as though he were afraid that if he looked away from me I would disappear. My breath came heavy, and, for once, I wasn't afraid of the intensity behind his gaze.

It felt as though we spent an eternity on that bed, rocking and rolling together, kissing and nipping and biting at hot skin. I felt raw inside. It was a strange feeling, similar to anxiety but beautiful and thrilling. I felt giddy, uncontainable.

"Oh, Edward, Ed...Edward...ah, oh..."

I felt him coming with me and exhaled sharply, gripping him tighter and pulling hard at his unkempt auburn hair.

"Bella?" I heard vaguely through the fog, still coming down from our high. His voice vibrated against my chest, making my heart pound all over again.

"Yeah?" I asked, running my fingers gingerly over his soft curls.

"If I have to die...that seems like a pretty good way to go." he chuckled and I did too.

I smacked his shoulder playfully and relaxed into the bed.

"Well, I would be happy to oblige." I teased.

After a few minutes, Edward rolled off me and pulled my body close beside him, his arms coming to rest around my waist. He moved my hair away from my neck and kissed along my shoulder tenderly, his eyelashes brushing my skin and making me shiver against him.

"This is how it should have been the first time," he murmured and I smiled.

"No. That wouldn't be like us. We're fighters."

We both laughed because it was true. Then, I realized...

We were something.

This thought blew me out of the water. Edward, the handsome, witty boy I had met in lecture a little over a month before, wanted to be something with me. I had fought him and ignored him and made trouble out of nothing, and after all was said and done, he still hoped that I would tell him I had feelings for him too. I rolled over to face him and kissed him slowly, taking my time, breathing him in.

"Bella..."

"Mmm..."

"Did you think we'd do this? I mean, when we met did you...see yourself with me at all?"

That was a complicated question to answer. "I think I thought about you...a lot." I laughed because it was embarrassing how much I had obsessed over Edward and our communications. "I saw us...but I didn't think...I never thought it would actually happen."

Edward nodded, kissing my nose briefly. "I should have found you and told you all this the other day. I'm sorry. I tried to get your number from Alice and Rose, but they wouldn't tell me...I think I scared them a little. I was kind of crazed when I got to lab. I didn't even stay the whole time. I left as soon as I figured out you weren't coming. Which reminds me...I'm going to need a way to reach you, Miss Dwyer-Swan."

Edward winked at me and I rolled my eyes.

"I suppose I can give you my cell phone number. It's very secret, you know."

Edward scoffed, letting out one hard laugh. "I know. Did you know that friend of yours is a bulldog?"

"Rose?" I asked.

"No, Alice. Apparently, she thought I'd murdered you or something...or maybe I had you locked up in my dungeon with all the other sex slaves."

"Oh, my God! Edward, that's awful." I cried, giggling when he tickled my sides.

"Yeah. I'm keeping you here now. You're not allowed to leave my bed. You're going to be my vampire bride." Edward showed his teeth and hissed at me, winking his eye and sending me into hysterics.

"Do I get to live in a castle?" I managed between hits of laughter.

"This is a castle, isn't it?"

"But, of course. I should have known."

He pressed his lips to mine one more time and I nuzzled into his chest.

We fell asleep together, and for the first time in years, I slept peacefully.