*to the anon who just wants sex: HA-HA!*

*if you haven't figured it out yet the original is angst and goodness and the alternate is sex and power-play*

Chapter 26

In Spite of all the Damage He Caused

They'd come a long way together in just a matter of hours.

"I dunno why I feel so stressed out," Amy sighed. She was really upset with herself.

Beside her, Karma hurt from that. It was probably this day and everything from Karma's own life that was stressing Amy out. Amy didn't need to pile all Karma's shit ontop of her own. Karma knew that and she cursed herself secretly for not thinking most of the time.

But Amy was sure that Karma's life had not been the problem at all. Conveying that? That was a difficult thing because it meant explaining things and explaining meant thinking about the things she had willfully tried to forget.

"You don't have to be with me," Karma said, remembering. It wasn't a mean-spirited response but more of an apologetic one.

"What?" Amy's heart dropped in her chest. She felt it stutter to a hault. She felt the air leave her chest. And then her heart beat faster in the wake of those words. Where on Earth did that thought even come from? This had nothing to do with that. Of course she wanted to be with her. "I want to be with you." Amy said, more sure than she ever could be. Even surer about needing to say it out loud.

"I just mean, this was a lot really fast," Karma said, feeling a bit like a child again for the first time in years. "Sleeping over, hearing about the divorce, meeting my mom…"

"Hearing you sing," Amy smiled, looking over at her with tears in her eyes and feeling more than grateful. She didn't have regrets. That's not what the fear had been.

They'd slept all morning but still a lot had somehow gone on.

"And telling Lauren," Amy remembered. She let her head drop down and look at her hands. Her hands were shaking and she wondered when it was that she let go of Karma's hand. Did Karma know she was shaking?

"Lauren?" Karma asked, noticing Amy again. She was well aware of the loss of Amy's hand. It made her feel worse. The distance was negative. She hated it.

"Yeah, I… I told her about us."

"Yeah?" Karma asked, still over-the-moon that there actually was an US to discuss.

"Yeah," Amy smiled, realizing again how happy Karma made her today by trusting in her and introducing her to her mom and actually telling her mom that she was her girlfriend. It hurt now though to think about because she knew she'd been weird. The last thing Amy wanted to be was some long-overdue rebound and perhaps that was half of her fear back there in Karma's room. Right now, she couldn't really say.

"That's good," Karma said, noticing Amy's hand again and taking it in her own. She felt Amy's body shaking by her side and wondered what she had done to worry her so very much. "You're shaking," she said. "You must be starving." It was an easy thing to pretend to blame it on so they both did.

"I am," Amy lied, the way she was now was exactly the way she had been on that first semi-date, with that client right after she'd kissed Karma on a random whim in the car and spent the day with her around, the time Karma was taking her back home. Amy squeezed Karma's hand hard and felt good about the fact that Karma was allowing them both to pretend they weren't worried or afraid.

They arrived at a small place Karma loved. Karma parked and walked over to Amy's door, taking her hand right away and staying close.

"This place is small," Karma said softly. "You'll like it." She'd taken heed from before. A lot of things seemed to really daunt Amy.

She asked for a booth in the corner and when the menus came Karma could tell Amy was still nervous so she started to talk about a case to get her mind off of things.

It didn't take long for Amy to forget altogether about how nervous she had become or how odd she had felt.

"I really like being with you," Amy said after a heavy sigh.

"I know," Karma smiled, looking down at her hands and tucking them under the table to keep herself from wanting to be intrusive and hold Amy's hands.

"I don't think that was about you," Amy said. She noticed how Karma was trying to be careful.

"What?" Karma asked. They'd been talking about an old case Karma worked where Liam and Shane had been trying to out lawyer each other in front of her. What Amy was talking about though, Karma couldn't quite say. All she knew was that it wasn't the case.

"In your room," Amy said, realizing right away that she needed to talk about it.

"Oh," Karma said, her voice dropping. She'd been trying to distract Amy from whatever it had been that scared her.

Amy didn't seem scared anymore though and she really wasn't.

"I haven't had a relationship in a long time," Amy said.

"What about Reagan-"

"That wasn't-" She cut Karma off. "It was close," Amy relented. "But it wasn't the same."

"The same?" Karma asked, trying not to be intrusive or rush knowledge.

"Yeah," Amy sighed. "In high school I think, well, for a while, I thought I was in love but…"

"We don't have to talk about this now," Karma said, pulling her hand back up onto the table and resting it softly over Amy's. She'd been trying to resist doing that for quite a while.

"I think I should," Amy swallowed. "That wasn't your fault and… I really like you."

"I'm not going anywhere," Karma pushed. There was no need for everything to seem so dire all of the time. They'd just gotten into this sort of deep relationship right off the bat and Karma wanted Amy to know that it didn't have to be like that. Sure it was comforting to know how deep their emotions ran but Karma didn't want to overwhelm Amy at all.

"I know," Amy said. "It's not that. I'm not scared about…" She stopped herself. "Getting close like that brings back weird memories. I don't usually. With him, I mean, I didn't want to be doing things."

"What?" Karma asked. She was suddenly scared about Amy's past. "He didn't force you or-"

"No. No," Amy stopped her. "He just. He wanted me all the time and I didn't realize it for a long time but I didn't want him that way, not physically."

"What did you want?" Karma asked nervously.

If Amy stopped her…

"I wasn't straight," Amy said simply, quieting most of Karma's fears. "I thought I was straight. I thought I wanted him. He was the only guy I really liked, ya know? The only guy I could see myself with," she laughed awkwardly. "Everything seemed fine until we'd get close like that."

"Amy…" Karma didn't know what to say.

"So it's hard," she said. "When you grabbed me in there it just sort of reminded me of him and I got scared. And he wasn't. He didn't… I mean..." Amy was trying to explain but it was hard. It wasn't like he had been forcing her hand or anything. She wanted to be a certain way and she wasn't that way and she tried to fit a mold that so many fit and she ended up hurting herself in the process and letting him try things that she should never had let him try.

"Shit," Karma sighed. A few moments ago she didn't think she could possibly feel worse but she knew now that she was wrong. "Amy… I am so -"

"Don't," Amy said, looking up at her quickly. "I told you okay, this isn't about you. I like when you touch me. I want you to touch me. I want you," she stressed and sighed nervously, looking away as she did because it was too much for her to admit. "That's not confusing," she finished. "I just… I haven't dealt with that stuff at all. I haven't had to. And I haven't talked about it either. Not to anyone. Not even Reagan."

The food came. Perfect timing… Amy thought.

They could both feel their stomachs churning and that feeling had nothing to do with hunger. They were nervous now and having trouble communicating. They were both scared to speak.

When the waitress left they both picked up their utensils because of the quiet and they started to eat.

"I wish I knew you back then," Karma randomly said. She couldn't look up at her, she felt too much like an asshole for not treating her with extra care.

"I wish you did too," Amy said, smiling up at her and seeing her there. She put her utensils down and waited for Karma to see her. "I need you to know that wasn't your fault."

"Okay," Karma relented. She noted how serious Amy was. Amy was worried about it, she really was.

Karma's eyelids slowly blinked with the weight of a heavy sigh. She felt horrible for not being there long ago to help Amy with whatever that relationship was back in High School.

"I let him try when it didn't work. I thought for sure I was wrong. That it was me and I was just different. I thought I'd like it eventually. That I'd be normal. That I'd want him."

"He should've known," Karma was suddenly so very angry.

"How?" Amy asked.

"Amy…" Karma set her utensils down and pushed her food to the side. She wasn't even hungry she was just pretending to be because she needed Amy to feel better and she didn't know how. "If you saw your eyes back there-" She stopped herself. She was too upset to explain.

There was silence. Amy looked out at the restaurant and sighed.

"I tried so hard, to change," Amy said.

"Don't do that with me," Karma said. "Don't ever try to do that with me."

"I don't think I can," Amy laughed, tears coming to her eyes. It was a relief to know that now.

"He shouldn't have pushed you," Karma said. She took her plate back and began to eat as if she was hungry.

From there the conversation waned and then changed. Amy brought up some movie she'd seen that sort of changed her life a little bit and one topic led to another until they were laughing again and remembering that it wasn't all heartache and sadness and a past-life of misery.

After the meal they got back in the car and Karma asked what Amy wanted to do.

"Take me home," Amy said.

Karma sighed and started to drive. The thought of leaving Amy was so overwhelmingly depressing and she hated it but she was trying to act okay about it all.

It wasn't until they were getting close to Amy's house that Amy realized Karma didn't know what she had meant.

"No. With you," she said, turning to Karma once she realized and squeezing her hand. "Take me home, with you."

They were quieter now, more careful. Karma's heart began to beat harder.

They'd had a very long day and it was nearly dark out by the time they got back to the hotel.

Riding the elevator up this time felt like safety to Amy. It was the opposite of the other day where she wasn't sure what it all meant. Being locked in a small room with Karma felt right.

They got inside and Karma, pulled Amy in and, lovingly kissed her. With all the emotions they were both feeling it felt good to not think for a second and they both felt the same. They were tender and needy. When Amy kissed back, with the same force, Karma whimpered. There was still too much that Karma felt she needed to apologize for.

"Mmm," Amy smiled, taking a hand to Karma's cheek and kissing her again. Vulnerable Karma was her favorite Karma. Amy just knew that Karma didn't show people this side of herself and that meant too much to her, it meant everything.

While Amy kissed her Karma felt herself let go again just a bit.

There was nothing they could do to change a thing about the past. Amy wanted to change things for Karma and Karma wanted to change things for Amy. Knowing what they now knew, to kiss was far from mild. The whole week had been a roller-coaster for the two of them and yesterday they had climbed all the way up to the top of a hill just to throw themselves down it at full speed. They were feeling that now as they tried to cling to each other and find solid ground or distract themselves from the ride of their lives.

Amy pulled herself from Karma and rest her forehead on Karma's to breathe. "I like kissing you," she huffed with closed eyes and a serene sort of smile.

"Don't stop then," Karma suggested.

Taking advice, Amy moved again to kiss her only this time she had so much force behind her it was just like back in that room on the bed.

Karma loved it but she was worried. Amy didn't have anything she needed to prove.

Karma felt her feet walking back. Amy was leading her toward the couch with a hand at her waist and a look of lust all over her.

When they got to the arm of the couch Amy pushed Karma back and Karma fell just as Amy had wanted. Amy followed, barely catching herself at Karma's sides.

Karma moved herself back and Amy crawled up to meet her lips again and press her body down into hers.

They kissed a long while, getting hotter and more intense. Every moment felt short but long. Every kiss ended too soon and they'd need another one right away.

Karma gasped for breath. She pushed herself up on the couch and pulled Amy up with her, forcing her to trap her. She was glad she was under her and not the other way around.

"I haven't done this in a while," Karma smiled, looking up at her. Amy was so gorgeous. Karma wasn't sure why Amy was even interested in her at all.

Amy shook her hair to the side and said, "Good," before leaning down into her again and kissing at Karma's neck, licking her there and feeling Karma shake just under her.

Karma moaned and held at Amy's head.

Amy touched a hand to the other side of Karma's neck as she played with her tongue above Karma's pulse point and felt as Karma squirmed.

"Oh, fuck," Karma said, grabbing at both sides of Amy's head with both of her hands. She felt like heaven right there. Karma's whole body was affected by such a small little touch.

Then Amy's hand slid up Karma's body at first absent-minded but then Amy knew what she wanted to do. She passed Karma's hip with her roaming hand, all the while licking and kissing at that one spot on Karma's neck that drove Karma insane. Then her hand passed Karma's stomach and got closer than Karma expected. Less than a second later Amy's hand was cupping Karma's breast and Amy squeezed it hard.

"Uhh-" Karma moaned, her pupils dilating. She moved her hand ontop of Amy's and squeezed it back. Amy's mouth moved up instantly until she was kissing Karma again and tasting how delicious she was all soft and turned on. It somehow meant everything that Amy would do that just now.

There'd be no denying that Karma wanted her and Amy smiled into her before losing herself and falling off of her onto the floor before laughing at herself and holding her head with both of her hands.