Warnings are posted at the end - they might spoil the plot, so if you don't think you'll be affected, don't read ahead. I mean, this is pretty tame when it comes to warnings on almost all fronts for my fics. I don't even have any explicit language as far as I can remember.

Also posted on my tumblr (url is my-own-patronus)

Part II - October 2010 - January 2012

1. Westerville (Blaine)

Sometimes I think about how I was a year ago. I was a terrified kid who didn't talk, who didn't have friends, who probably was a mental case waiting to happen.

And now, look at me.

Jeff laughs and jokes sometimes that he wishes he'd never asked me about Julian. Because after that night, after I finally opened up to him, I started talking. And apparently, I never stopped. In my defense, I had a lot of talking and conversations to make up for.

I still think about Julian a lot. Every day. But sometimes, an entire day will go by and I won't remember that I have a dead boyfriend until I'm getting ready to fall asleep, and then I'll feel it. It still hits me like a truck.

Sometimes I dream about him at night. He still looks the same, even though I've changed. I don't recognise anything except for him. He's sitting in this beautiful field; there's a stream and trees that are perfect for climbing and the sky is clear. It looks like the perfect place for a picnic date. Sometimes, he's reading, or eating. I've even dreamed about him gazing aimlessly at a small pond. I've tried shouting out to him, but I can't talk in my dreams, nor can I hear him.

2. The Neverplace (Julian)

It's harder to watch him from the Neverpond now. It's only been a year, but he's changed so much. He's shed his baby fat and started shellacking his hair on his head with tubfuls of gel. I know he's forgetting me and moving on and it kills me to realise that soon there won't be a soul in the world who remembers that I existed; at least, no one who remembers me in that way.

There's another part of me that knows, logically, that even if I were still alive, we wouldn't be together anymore. We'd be too different now. I'd be with the girls at the public school - maybe I'd have joined the debate team or the French Honors Society. He'd be at Dalton, boarding full time, and singing with the Warblers constantly.

Maybe it was best that we ended while still in love.

3. Westerville (Blaine)

Wes, David, and Trent are the new Warbler's council. David was actually the one last year who predicted that I'd surpass Coop's legacy - and today, his prediction is about to come true. I'm about to become the first sophomore to lead the Warblers.

I barely paid any mind to the new kid as I rushed to the performance, but about halfway through "Teenage Dream" it clicked in my head and I realised that he wasn't a new kid at all, but a spy.

Afterwards, he, Wes, David, and I talked. There was something so delicate about him, and his fear seemed so familiar. Not only was it the same fear that I had when I first came to Dalton, but it was the fear of being hated for who you are. At my old school, I'd been surrounded by supportive people, but I still got plenty of angry looks and a few physical put-downs. And there had been the eighth grade dance, which had been perfect in all ways but one.

I talked to the kid, gave him advice I wished I'd followed. Because there was still a part of me that blamed me for Julian's death.

4. The Neverplace (Julian)

Watching him with the new kid was painful. Kurt was so obviously in love with him, and he was so adorably, typically oblivious. I tried to engage myself in something else, something other than watching him. I checked in on my family more. I watched movies, read books. I explored every changing inch of the Neverplace.

I didn't fail to notice when the colours grew paler. Nor when I became more lethargic.

Vibrancy was seeping out of the Neverplace.

5. Westerville (Blaine)

Right after I came out, I started hanging out with Julian and the girls. It was a seamless transition, actually. One day, I was hanging out with my old friends and Sarah, then the next day, they were all laughing at me.

The next day, I found a new table to sit at. A girl from my English class - Kerry - came over to talk to me, and then three of her other friends joined us - including Julian.

The second I saw him, there was instant attraction, at least there was on my end. I grinned stupidly at him and tried to keep focused on telling Kerry about the assignment, but my eyes kept sliding back over to him. That was the moment when I decided love at first sight was true. Of course, now I realise that I was probably just a stupid, sexually-frustrated eighth grader who was seeing a pretty boy for the first time, but I like the romanticism of the other option.

A few weeks after that, I started occasionally hearing slurs in the hallway. Once or twice, balls were aimed at my head in gym class, and I got the occasional push in the hallway. But otherwise, everything was perfect.

So perfect, in fact, that by thanksgiving, I'd built up the courage to ask if he'd like to be more than a friend. We'd already been on two dates, so on our third, I decided to keep holding his hand even after the movie ended. Then, when we were standing by the fountain in the park around the corner, I asked if I could kiss him.

He said yes.

Then I asked if he would be my boyfriend.

He said yes to that, too.

After Julian, I expected falling in love would always be so fast and easy. After Julian, I also stopped looking for it. So that was why I didn't notice Kurt - at least, not like that. Not until I fell hard and fast.

It was his beauty and passion for everything in life that drew me in. When he was singing about that bird, I just wanted to jump up and hug him to make him better. Better yet, I wanted to kiss him.

I watched him, and everything that had fallen out of place since Julian seemed to come back together.

6. The Neverplace (Julian)

I knew he'd move on eventually. And he did. After he asked Kurt out, he thought of me less and less. The neverpool got duller, too, and I could barely hear him at all, even when he was singing.

The Neverplace stopped being so cheerful all the time. It was dull and gray and stormy most days. I found myself focusing not on the happy moments I had spent with him, but the worst.

Like the eighth grade dance.

We'd decided to go together, even though we knew there were more than a few people who disapproved - other students and their parents, mostly. Kerry, Alicia, Carolyn, and Carolyn's boyfriend, Ross, acted as a sort of honor guard for us the whole night, though, so we weren't bothered.

But then I went out to the bathroom and to get a bit of fresh air. And when I was leaving, two guys from our class confronted me. They shouted and threatened and shoved - no worse than usual. But I had taken too much time, so he'd come looking for me.

Once our numbers were even, the boys decided it was okay to attack.

None of us were exactly strong or skilled fighters, so it consisted of mostly everyone messily throwing and dodging punches until the noise attracted a chaperone and she threw us all out.

Looking back on it like that, it doesn't seem that bad. Nothing bad happened. We were both okay, unharmed. But at the time, we were terrified when we realized that people might want to do more than glare at us for being gay.

7. Westerville (Blaine)

The day Kurt asked me to prom, I froze. I remembered my last dance, with Julian, where we could have been hurt badly. And then I thought about how Julian really had been hurt badly - so badly, he'd been killed. I couldn't go through that again, not even a fraction of that pain. I didn't know if I would be able to find the golden warmth inside me again if that happened again.

I knew it was selfish, but I didn't care.

At least, I didn't until I saw Kurt's face. He looked so sad and hurt, like I had just kicked his new puppy. And I couldn't say no to that.

I found myself constantly thinking about Julian in the next few weeks, before and after prom passed without any physical assaults. He had always been in the back of my mind, but suddenly, he was there in everything I did. It was bittersweet.

8. The Neverplace (Julian)

Spring came back to the Neverplace. Of course, I knew that it didn't have seasons, it just changed based on my whims, but the gray bleakness had ended and it was warm and bright and vibrant and sunny again.

I felt so much more alive - or, energised, I guess would be a better word for it - too.

I passed my days sitting along the banks of the neverpond, occasionally glancing down to check on him, and folding paper cranes to float on the surface. They were the only type of oragami that either he or I could make, and we used to write each other stupid little notes and then fold them up like that. I had a whole box of paper cranes in my closet, but my favorite had always rested on my dresser, so I could always look at it.

It hadn't come with me to the Neverplace.

9. Westerville (Blaine)

Over the summer, Kurt tried to wear down my resolve and convince me to transfer to be with him at McKinley. But Dalton was my home. All my friends were there, my dad and brother had gone there, and it was where I had learned to be myself again. I didn't know if I could give that up.

And then I thought of Julian. Life's too short to not live every minute like your last. And if there was any chance that Kurt might one day disappear from my life, I wanted to make sure that I had taken advantage of every moment that we did have. I didn't want any regrets.

So I transferred.

Jeff, Trent, and the other Warblers were crushed. And I felt awful, leaving them without a lead singer, but I knew that I would keep visiting my friends. I wouldn't let them go, either.

10. The Neverplace (Julian)

After he switched schools, everything became so much more of a blur - for both of us. He was busy with adjusting to a new environment, a faster-paced glee club, and the lead in the musical. He was forgetting about me. It wasn't that he was just thinking about me less - he was forgetting.

Because only forgetting could make me so transparent and lost here in the Neverplace.

Sometimes, I tried to remember for him. I would concentrate on him and then concentrate on a specific memory of our time together. I don't know if it ever worked.

After a while, watching him became too hard. It was hard to sum up the energy to focus on him long enough. So instead, I let myself watch our memories, like they were a home movie.

I watched us playing around at the park behind my house. I watched the first time I said "I love you." I watched the first time we introduced each other to our parents. I watched my last Christmas, when he had decided to smear frosting all over my face. I watched important days, like Valentine's day, and unimportant ones, like when we did homework together on March 12.

There was always something itching at the edges of my memory, and I would see a flash of it before I turned away from the neverpool. But each time, as soon as I turned back, it was gone again.

But it always left me scared, cold, and shaking.

11. Westerville (Blaine)

There was a new transfer to Dalton who ended up replacing me as head Warbler. I knew someone obviously had to replace me, but I still felt jealous as I watched him dancing in his blazer in front of everyone. I missed that. I missed goofing off with Nick and Jeff backstage, I missed working on homework with Trent, I even missed the stupid uniform and strict rules of Dalton.

And then I looked at Kurt and I smiled.

I kept up my promise to the boys of course, and I visited them and hung out with them as much as I could. Sebastian, the new soloist, couldn't even deter me from going, although he made me a bit uncomfortable with all his advances and sexual suggestions.

I don't know if it was because I was still associating with a rival glee club, or because another boy was hitting on me, or what, but I always seemed to have an uneasy feeling when I woke up from dreams. Dreams that I couldn't remember, that slipped from the edges of my memory, but always left me scared, cold, and shaking.

12. The Neverplace (Julian)

The Neverplace isn't as big anymore. It's like it's falling in on me as I'm being forgotten. The neverbuilding is frozen, no longer creating any room I desire, and I'm scared about what will happen when it forgets how to make food, too.

The creek isn't as happy and bubbly, and the trees are bare.

And the neverpond is dull and murky, and it doesn't seem as endless. It's now almost too hard to summon enough concentration and focus to see him, or even a memory.

But it's always flashing something dark and foreboding, the same thing that hides in the corners of all my memories now.

I can almost see what it is - it's dark and shadowed and blurry, but I can make out shapes. It's like a street, but none that I would ever go on by choice. It's dark and dirty, and surrounded by buildings too tall and too close to escape.

13. Westerville (Blaine)

When I told the Warblers we were doing Michael Jackson, I never thought they'd turn on me and steal the idea. I suddenly felt very alone with the hate pouring in on me from both teams. Even Kurt, who knew I hadn't meant to ruin the plan, was still a bit icy towards me.

It didn't help that I was always tired and jumpy now, too. I could barely sleep for a few hours without being awoken by dreams - nightmares, really. It was always the same thing - a dirty alleyway surrounded by buildings that blocked out any light.

14. The Neverplace (Julian)

I love him.

That's the only way I can find enough strength to sit up each morning.

The Neverplace had collapsed or condensed so much now that the neverpool is right outside the neverbuilding. I only leave its edge when I have to drag myself in to eat whatever meagre food the neverbuilding has been able to provide.

I love him.

But it isn't enough to see him at all anymore, in memory or real life.

15. Westerville (Blaine)

The nightmares have gotten worse. I can barely sleep at all, and I feel so sick from the feeling they leave me with that I haven't even been eating properly.

And on top of all that, the New Directions want me to prove my loyalty by going for a dance-off against the Warblers.

I agree, but only because I know they'll hate me if I don't.

So I pull the black hoodie out of my closet and tug it on until it covers my face.

16. The Neverplace (Julian)

The black hood and ski mask cover his face.

17. Westerville (Blaine)

We meet in an empty parking lot after closing hours. It's eerie, and the hairs on the back of my next stand up as we walk past an alleyway before going underground.

18. The Neverplace (Julian)

The alleyway is small, and hidden from anyone who might be on the street by shadows from the oppressively tall buildings on either side.

19. Westerville (Blaine)

I don't hear them until they appear in front of us, and I almost jump in surprise. None of my friends look like themselves anymore. They have anger in their eyes.

And then we begin to dance and sing.

I can't even concentrate on most of what I'm doing, but the anger in Sebastian's eyes keeps me here.

20. The Neverplace (Julian)

I look at the neverpool, and it's as if it's playing two movies at the same time.

First I see him. He's dressed dark, like he's looking for trouble. He's walking through dark, empty streets, and for some reason I want to yell at him that it's a bad idea.

Then I see something that I don't remember but I do recognise. It's the alleyway that's always at the edge of my mind. But now it's here and I can see it in full.

And then … I'm there. I have a bag in my hand and I know that there's a movie in it that I had bought to watch with him. I know where I am - in downtown Westerville, walking toward the bus stop.

I see a large group of boys sneak up on him and his friends. They're his old friends, but I can feel the animosity that has suddenly blossomed between them.

I'm excited for when he gets home from LA, for a cosy night spent cuddling on the couch and watching the film.

I don't see them coming.

21. Westerville (Blaine)

Kurt doesn't see it coming, but I saw Sebastian turn around. I saw the slushie in his hand. So when he starts to toss it towards my boyfriend, I jump forward and push him out of the way. A painful, icy blast hits me straight on in my face, and it feels like my eyes and my skin are burning. I've been slushied before, but never like this.

I'm screaming in pain, and I'm forcing my eyes closed. But as they slam shut, images appear across my vision.

22. The Neverplace (Julian)

I hear his screams and they slam through my weak body like bullets. I see him fall to the ground, crying and screaming in pain.

But then it's not him I see anymore.

It's me.

23. Westerville (Blaine)

I don't know where this is coming from, but I feel like I've seen it all before. And then I see him.

Julian.

He's walking down a street, lost in his own happy world. There are three men behind him, following, covering their faces and conspiring. I shout out to warn him, but he can't hear me.

24. The Neverplace (Julian)

Suddenly, I feel something cold and sharp at my side. My bag is wrenched from my hands, and another set of hands is pushing me into the mouth of the alleyway. I stumble, I try to get away, they catch me again.

They demand my wallet, my cell phone, my everything.

"Don't scream, and we'll let you get back to your little girlfriend," one of them hisses.

"Don't - have - one," I gasp. I don't know why I'm talking, but I know I have to do something.

His eyes glint behind the ski mask. "Oh? Then who were you planning on watching this movie with? Your boyfriend?"

I don't say anything, but something in my face must tell him he's right.

"Well, this changes things then."

25. Westerville (Blaine)

The pain from the slushie is receding, and I can hear voices and feel soft hands on me. But I'm not there, not really, not if I'm also watching this.

I watch as the man hits Julian harder than anything I can imagine, harder than those boys at the dance could have ever hit.

I know what's coming, Julian's parents told me when I screamed and shouted and demanded to know what had happened. I try to screw up my eyes to block it out, but they're already closed.

I can't do anything to help him.

26. The Neverplace (Julian)

I'm crying, sobbing, and I'm not here anymore, not really. I'm not watching anymore, I'm there. I'm remembering, and I wish for all the world that I could forget again.

A pain like none I'd ever imagined is exploding in my backside, and I can hear my sobs and screams mixing in with their laughter.

27. Westerville (Blaine)

They're laughing. Laughing.

I can't even tell who it is now, the men or my friends - laughing as they watched Julian die or laughing as they walked away from my slushied body on the ground.

28. The Neverplace (Julian)

I thought it was over when he pulled out.

But then they all dove down on me again. They're hitting and kicking and I'm screaming, and then - I hear it.

A police siren in the distance.

29. Westerville (Blaine)

I can hear whispers about an ambulance, and I just want it to come faster, save him faster. But I know it doesn't get there in time.

And then the sirens blast through my aching head, and I feel stronger and more sure hands lifting me up.

30. The Neverplace (Julian)

"Shit."

"Someone must've heard him."

"What do we do?"

And then a blinding pain, rivaling that which I feel all over, and I realise it's the knife that had been forced up against me at first.

31. Westerville (Blaine)

In the ambulance, I try to open my eyes, hoping that will end the horrible film that has been playing on the backs of my eyelids. But I feel even more pain as I open them, and slam them immediately shut.

I feel a pinching, slicing, horrible pain in my stomach, and I know that nothing has happened, but I can still see the red stained silver knife before my closed eyes.

32. The Neverplace (Julian)

I feel nothing.

I'm staring at the surface of a muddy pond and I feel nothing.

The Neverplace is crashing down around me.

33. Westerville (Blaine)

"Julian," I whisper.

34. The Neverplace (Julian)

I hear my name. I hear his voice say my name.

This is the first time in months that I've heard his voice, and it had been so dull in the neverpond for so long before that. But it's clear as day.

I love him.

The world that is literally crashing to pieces around me brightens up. A chunk of sky falls and it is no longer stormy gray, but sunny.

I love him.

I can stand up as the rubble crashes around me.

I love him.

The muddy pond is clearing up. It is growing deeper and deeper and it is turning back into the neverpond.

I love him.

And suddenly, everything freezes for just a moment. In that moment, I know. I'm not meant to stay here forever. He doesn't need me anymore, and as much as that hurts, I am happy. I'm glad that he's found something.

There are rings of water on the surface of the neverpond. It's never moved before, and now that the Neverplace is frozen, it shouldn't be moving.

And I realise. The Neverplace is frozen for me. I could just end with my Neverplace now that my purpose has been served, but it's realized that he might still need me once more. And it's opening that portal for me to say goodbye. It's giving me a choice.

I love him.

And he loves me.

I jump.

35. Westerville (Julian)

I'm in a hospital room, looking down at him on the bed. He's asleep, or sedated, and his sheets are wrinkled and knotted like he'd been thrashing around, even if he's calm now.

There are others in the room, but they can't see me. I don't exist anymore.

Still, I walk up to the boy who is so perfect for him, maybe better than I could have ever been. "Watch over him for me," I say, despite knowing that my words are falling on deaf ears, ears which exist in a different plane than me.

His bed is the perfect height for me to crawl into. I wrap my arms around him as best as I can, and I can feel him sigh as the tension all seems to melt away.

"You'll be okay. You're going to be amazing. You're going to be in love and you're going to live and you're going to do everything," I whisper. "I love you." I pause, and I look around at the room. This is my end. This is it. "I love you so much, don't ever forget that. Goodbye, Blaine."

36. Westerville (Blaine)

I woke up warmer and more rested than I had been in ages. I thought I felt a pair of arms around me and my first thought was Kurt, but it smelled different. Different, but so, so familiar. I swore that I could, impossibly, hear Julian, but before I could turn my head, he was gone.

But the golden warmth had returned in full.

The nurse came by this morning to tell me that I was being discharged. She offered to help me with my things since my depth perception would be off until I grew used to the eyepatch, but I declined her help.

I wanted to take one last moment in the room.

I knew I had felt Julian in here. I had witnessed his last moments, and then he had come to me. That had to be it. If I told anyone, they'd think I was crazy, but I knew it was true.

At least I know that he's okay after all.

Something catches my eye as I'm about to go meet my parents at the nurse's station. It's hiding behind one of the vases of flowers from my friends, and if I hadn't been standing exactly here, I wouldn't have even noticed it.

I walk over and reach around, and my fingers close around folded paper. I gasp, feeling tears spring to my eyes before pulling my hand out.

It's a paper crane.

Warnings: character death (oc, dead the whole time), violence, implied rape/sexual assault.

Note: Well, I really hope you enjoyed this. Like I said before, it's different than anything I've tried before. I really don't write first-person anymore and I usually hate to read it, too - so thanks to all those who feel the same way but stuck with this story. The slushie/attack/flashback scene at the end was definitely one of the hardest things I've tried, and I hope I was able to convey the chaos and confusion and connection between the two boys well enough.

There's a soundtrack to this fic - songs mentioned and songs that inspired it - on my tumblr. The url is my-own-patronus if anyone is interested.