CHAPTER SIX

I hated going home that night. Acting normal was even harder than usual, when I had travelled straight from Paul's hotel to my apartment in fifteen minutes and had no time to collect myself; to push it all to the back of my mind. My head was full of him - how he had looked at me, kissed me, fucked me. The second time hadn't been what I expected and I could feel myself tilting, almost falling; or maybe I had already slipped over the edge. I ached when I walked away from him, knowing it would be unlikely that I would see him again. Somehow I put a smile on my face when I gave Sarah her new school book and later read a bedtime story to her, then snuggled up on the sofa with Leah for the rest of the evening, but I felt miserable, wracked with guilt, wishing I could be what my wife deserved, but still longing for Paul.

I slept poorly and swallowed aspirins and coffee when I woke in an effort to make myself feel more human. Then I spent Saturday with Leah and Sarah, playing ball games in the park as planned and eating a picnic Leah had prepared, but still I couldn't stop thinking about him. I wondered what he was doing; if he was spending the day alone in his room, or if he was taking the opportunity to see some of the city. Was he thinking about me?

I was distant and distracted and I continually fought against it, throwing myself into the game of catch with Sarah. laughing and fooling around and hoping I didn't seem as fake to them as I did to myself. I felt guiltier than ever, more because of my feelings than what I'd actually done. I shouldn't have gone to his hotel - I should have drawn a line under it after I came home from Boston, when I would have had a hope of forgetting about him eventually, but now I'd gotten to know things about him, liked the person he was and I knew I could have loved him if I'd been free to do so. There would be no forgetting about him any time soon.

"Jacob, is something the matter?" Leah asked suddenly.

We were alone in the lounge, Sarah having gone to bed a little while ago. Leah was watching some TV show that didn't interest me and I was sprawling in an armchair, one leg hooked over the arm, trying to take an interest in the show just to think about something else besides Paul. What was he doing, I wondered again? Spending the evening in his room, or going out somewhere, looking for someone else like me? The idea made my stomach churn and I repeatedly cursed myself for letting it go so far that I was jealous. If only he hadn't kissed me like that, held me and been so fucking gentle that I melted. Now I had no idea what to say to Leah, who was staring at me with her brows drawn together.

"No, I'm fine, just tired," I said with a smile. "I didn't sleep too well last night."

"Are you sure that's all? You look sad."

"Positive. Take no notice, I'll be fine after a good sleep." I would be, I told myself firmly. He was leaving in less than two days and that would be the end of it. Let him sleep with whoever the hell else he liked. He wasn't mine and I wasn't free to be his.

"You've been pretty distracted lately," Leah went on. "It's not the gym, is it? You would tell me if there was a problem."

"Leah, I promise, the gym is fine." I sat up straight and looked at her. "Everything's fine."

"Ok. Why don't you get an early night, then? I'll be along in a little while when this show finishes."

I nodded and hauled myself up, slowly heading for the bedroom. I had to get it together I told myself yet again. My efforts to behave normally had clearly failed and I wondered how long she'd noticed I was distracted. Since I came back from Boston?

Ten minutes later I fell into bed. I could still hear the sound of the TV murmuring softly in the other room and I closed my eyes and tried not to think, but it was impossible. I had everything I could possibly want right here and yet I'd put it all at risk and still it wasn't enough. Something that I had thought would be a casual fuck, that I could put behind me for the next year or two, had become way more and for a minute or two I considered talking to Leah; telling her what I'd done; what I'd been doing for years; what I couldn't stop myself doing. What would I say?

'Leah, I have something to tell you. I'm bisexual and I've been seeing this guy...'

It would crush her and tear our family apart, I thought. She wouldn't understand and she would hate me, probably kick me out and then what would happen to Sarah? There were far too many kids growing up with absent fathers and I didn't want that to be us. I so desperately wanted to be a good husband and a good father, but I was always going to be lacking. I couldn't tell her; I couldn't do that to her. All I could do was stop it now, however hard it might be. If I suffered, it was only what I deserved after all. I brushed angrily at my face as tears slid from the corners of my eyes towards the pillow. I knew I would fail; however hard I tried to be what she deserved, I was never going to be that.

Somehow I must have fallen asleep and when I woke, Leah was shaking me and I could smell coffee. Rubbing my eyes, I glanced at the clock and noticed it was almost seven.

"Shit!" I gasped, sitting up quickly. "Why didn't you wake me earlier?"

"You still have time, Jake, I thought you needed your sleep." She dropped a kiss onto my forehead and moved away. "I packed up some breakfast for you to take to the gym."

"Thanks, Leah." I took the coffee mug and gulped some, wincing as I burned my mouth. She left me alone and I got up quickly and dressed, deciding to shower when I got there. The gym opened at seven-thirty on Sundays and I still had enough time.

Twenty minutes later I was on the subway, eating the egg and bacon sandwiches Leah had made for me and yet again, berating myself for everything I'd done. Leah was perfect - everything I wasn't. She let me sleep in when I said I was tired, made me breakfast to take away, took care of Sarah and me and a hundred other things and what did I do? Let myself start falling for someone else.

"You fucking cheating asshole, Jacob," I muttered as I stepped off the train and headed up to street level. Maybe she would be better off without me; maybe she could find someone who would treat her the way she deserved; maybe I should tell her after all. Scowling, I strode up to the gym to find half a dozen guys already waiting outside and I glanced at my watch, relieved when I discovered it was only seven-twenty-five.

"Morning, guys, won't be a second," I grunted, pulling out my keys and the security tag that disarmed the alarm.

I hurried inside, turning on lights and power switches, quickly joined by one of the personal trainers and the two girls rostered to run the cafeteria that morning, all muttering apologies for their late arrival.

"Don't worry about it, I'm not doing any better this morning," I joked half-heartedly and headed to my office. I decided to take a shower to wash away the lingering tiredness, relax until I'd digested the breakfast and then work out for a while. My head was still a mess and pumping weights would at least give me something to concentrate on. I was tempted to give one of the punchbags a good pounding as well.

Ninety minutes later I was working my arms and shoulders, looking around me and watching my clients running, cycling, lifting weights, a new girl in a leotard and shorts taking advice from one of the trainers, everyone enjoying their work outs. I moved to the pec deck and sat down, adjusting the weights and then glancing up in surprise at a pair of very long, white legs disappearing into bright red shorts.

"Morning, Edward." I straightened up and smirked at him. "You're late."

"I'm sorry, I overslept." He tugged a hand through his chaotic hair and bit his lip.

"By ninety minutes?"

"Um...well..." He blushed furiously and I wondered if he'd met someone, spent the night with them. I didn't ask; he looked embarrassed enough as it was.

"It's cool, I overslept too, barely made it on time," I said.

"Oh. You have a visitor," he told me.

"Who?"

Edward jerked his head to the side slightly and I turned my head, my eyes landing on Paul, wearing sweats and a t-shirt that looked several sizes too small for his muscular frame.

"Hey!" I knew my face had probably lit up like someone switched a light on inside my head and I got to my feet quickly. "Uh...didn't expect to see you here," I added, glancing at Edward and noticing he was looking curiously from me to Paul and back again. He gave me a brief nod and walked away and I took a deep breath, trying to calm my stuttering heart.

"Hey. Thought I'd check out your gym while I'm here," he said with a smile.

"You said you didn't want to do this again," I reminded him.

"We're not doing anything...yet."

"Damnit, Paul!" I hissed. My pulse was racing and I jammed my hands into the pockets of my shorts, hoping I wasn't going to start getting hard right there in front of a room full of people. I could see the shape of his nipple ring through the tight t-shirt and it didn't look as if he had underwear on beneath the sweats.

Fuck!

"I can go..." He raised an eyebrow.

"Don't." I licked dry lips. "Really, why are you here?"

"Why do you think?" He lowered his voice. "I know what I said, but I couldn't fucking stop thinking about you last night."

"Sshh," I uttered anxiously, while my heart skipped in sudden delight at his words.

"No one's listening. So...are you gonna show me around? Maybe we could work out...looks like you were in the middle of it."

"Yeah...uh...ok." I tried to blame my sudden breathlessness on the weights, but my heart banging against my ribs and my damp palms said otherwise. I couldn't quite believe he had showed up at my place of work. He said we shouldn't do this again and I knew why - the one relationship he'd had ended in heartbreak for him and he didn't want to care about anyone else, and yet he couldn't stay away from me; just as I couldn't stay away from him. He spent last night wishing I was with him - did he have feelings for me?

I struggled to stay calm, pointing things out and giving him a brief history of my efforts to put myself on the map as we walked around and I realised I was probably behaving in the same way I did at home - trying to act normal in an effort to not give away how I was feeling. My pulse continued to race as we finished the slow circuit of the main room and began to lift some weights, both selecting dumb bells and standing in front of the mirrors. I watched his arms and shoulders flex, the veins standing out in his forearms, lips parted as he breathed and I almost dropped my own weights as my hands sweated and slipped on the grips. Paul switched to a bar bell after a while and I did the same, wiping my hands on my shorts before I lifted it.

I was aware of Edward on one of the cycling machines, repeatedly looking over at us with interest and I could only imagine what was going through his head. Could he see something between us? Would he say anything about it? Probably not; he was always reluctant to discuss anything personal.

"I'm done." I put the bar down and stretched. "You want a drink of something?"

"Sure, just some water."

"Let's go to my office."

I could feel his eyes burning into me as I walked ahead of him and I closed the door and leaned on it, unsurprised when he stepped in front of me, his hands coming to rest on my waist and sliding under my shirt.

"Paul..."

He leaned in closer and his mouth covered mine, his tongue plunging in urgently, tasting, exploring, sending my racing heart into overdrive and my blood rushing to my groin. I moaned into the kiss, putting my hands on him, sliding one into the back of his sweats and confirming that he was indeed going commando once again. His cock hardened and pushed against mine through the layers of fabric. Then I snatched my hand back suddenly and braced the other against his chest, pushing him away enough to break the kiss.

"Fuck, Paul, we can't do this here," I groaned.

"We can't fuck, I didn't bring anything with me," he smirked.

"Paul..." I protested again. "...this is just going to make things worse."

"You want me, don't you?"

"Too fucking much," I blurted. "I can't stop thinking about you."

"I'm sorry; I don't want to fuck things up for you." He leaned against me, his hands resting on the door behind me and I slid my arms around him and held on tightly. He felt the same way I did. I wasn't sure if that made it better or worse.

"You're not," I whispered. "I'm fucking it up myself." I pressed my lips against his ear and he pulled his head back and brought out mouths together again, lowering his hands and tugging my shorts down around my thighs, freeing my erection. He pushed his sweats down and then he was grasping us both, rubbing his cock against my own and grinding against me. I tore my mouth away from his again, panting loudly.

"Christ, don't make me come like this," I begged, thinking of the mess we would both be in shortly.

"I wasn't planning to." He backed off and lowered himself to his knees in front of me and I clenched my fists and ground my teeth together in an effort to keep quiet as he drew me into his mouth. He sucked and stroked, cupping my balls with his free hand, tugging and squeezing gently while his mouth made soft slurping noises as he worked his way up and down my length.

"Holy fucking shit," I muttered.

He chuckled softly, his throat vibrating around me as he worked me faster, driving me into a breathless, throbbing frenzy as I struggled to prolong things, knowing it was a losing battle. Somehow doing this in my office with the threat of Edward knocking on the door at any moment only made it more exciting and I came hard, shooting my load into Paul's throat and cursing in a whisper. He continued sucking on me gently, draining me until I became over-sensitive and pushed him off of me, then he rose to his feet again, pulling my shorts back up and tucking my cock away out of sight. His dark eyes met mine, the pupils blown, the back of his hand brushing my belly as he began stroking himself, his lips nibbling at mine and giving me a faint taste of myself.

"Let me." I replaced his hand with my own and he backed up a little as I knelt down on the floor between him and the door. His swollen cock was leaking liberally, quivering in my hand and I guided the tip into my mouth, swirling my tongue around and then sucking on it firmly. Paul cursed and hissed above me, bracing his hands on the door, his thighs trembling as I drew him deeper into my mouth and bobbed my head, following the movement with one hand and caressing his balls with the other, the same way he had done with me. Determined not to gag, I breathed steadily through my nose, gradually taking him a little deeper every so often until he was bumping my throat repeatedly. I swallowed around him and hollowed my cheeks as I sucked harder, taking my hands off and sliding them around to his butt, squeezing the firm flesh and encouraging him to fuck my mouth. His hips began to thrust back and forth slowly and I could hear him panting and groaning, muttering an almost incoherent string of expletives. He came hard, shuddering and spurting repeatedly into my throat, grinding himself against my face while I gulped and swallowed and breathed hard until he drew back slowly and pulled himself from between my lips. I was panting almost as hard as he was as I pulled his sweats back up to cover him and got to my feet again.

"Fuck...that was amazing..." he gasped. His body rested lightly against mine and I slid my arms around him, feeling heat rolling off him, his t-shirt damp and sticking to his skin. His lips touched my cheek and then he backed away, pulling free of my hold. "I could really use that water now."

Grinning, I walked over to the corner where my water cooler stood and poured out two cups, passing him one and then sinking into my leather swivel chair behind the desk. As the moment passed I was reminded how much of a risk I was taking and I gulped my water, cringing at the thought that anyone could have come to my door in the last few minutes. They wouldn't have been able to get in with us leaning on it, but it would have looked suspicious as hell. I glanced at the door again and much to my alarm, it began to swing open. I straightened my face, aiming to look the same as usual, whatever the hell that was, while Paul lowered himself onto one of the chairs at the other side of the desk and folded his arms.

"Daddy!" Sarah rushed into the room and skipped around my desk.

"Hey, sweetheart," I almost choked.

"Sarah, come here, honey, your Dad's busy," Leah said. "I'm sorry, Jacob, I didn't realise you had someone with you."

"It's ok." I licked my dry lips and struggled to speak. "This is...um...Paul Lahote from FitWorx. He's in New York seeing some other clients and wanted to take a look around my gym."

"Oh, hi! I'm Leah Black, good to meet you," she said at once as Paul got to his feet again. I shuddered as she offered a hand for him to shake and he took it in a firm grip - the same hand which had been wrapped around my cock just minutes before.

"Hello, Leah, it's a pleasure," Paul said smoothly although his face looked a little strained.

"Are you working all day?" Sarah asked me, leaning against the corner of my desk.

"Only until dinner time," I replied absently. My eyes were darting between Paul and Leah, my pulse racing and my stomach flipping over in horror. Surely even a blind person must see the atmosphere; guess something had been going on. Did the room smell of sex, I wondered? Jesus. I could feel my face and neck burning and I prayed silently that Leah would take Sarah away and quickly, or that miracles would happen and the tiled floor beneath me would open up and swallow me, chair and all.

"Daddy, you're all red," Sarah said helpfully.

"I've been lifting weights. I really need a shower too, I wouldn't come too close." I forced a smile and she backed off, pinching her nose.

"Ewww!"

"Sarah!" Leah grabbed her hand and pulled her to her side, then looked at Paul again. "Are you in New York for long? Maybe you'd like to come to our place for dinner tonight?"

No!

I froze in horror, hoping that I hadn't said it aloud, my eyes flying to Paul's face. He wasn't looking at me, but I could see that he felt about as uncomfortable as I did, arms folded across his chest, feet fidgeting.

"Thanks for the offer, I appreciate it, but I don't really have the time," he said. "I have a meeting to prepare for and I'm flying home tomorrow. Thanks anyway. I should get back to it." He glanced at me. "You have a great place here, Jake; I'm not surprised it's so popular."

"Thank you," I said numbly.

"Don't hesitate to call FitWorx any time you need...anything." Then he was gone and I was looking at the closed door, my hands trembling in my lap beneath the desk.

"You never mentioned he was coming here," Leah said.

"I didn't know. I mean, I knew he was in the city; he called to check the new machines were ok a while back and mentioned it, but he just turned up out of the blue to take a look around," I babbled.

"Oh, ok."

"So what are you two doing here?" I turned my attention to Sarah and grinned. "You just wanted to see me all revolting and smelly and sweaty, didn't you?"

"Ewww!" Sarah exclaimed loudly again and giggled. "Mommy brought you some lunch; that pasta salad thing with the tuna that you like."

Leah pulled a plastic box out of her bag and placed it on the table. "I know that cafeteria has plenty of good food, but I also know you don't stop and eat properly half the time. Make sure you eat that and I don't want to hear from Edward that he shared it either," she scolded.

"Yes, ma'am! Thanks, Leah." I felt absolutely terrible. If they had arrived five minutes earlier, they would have been knocking on the door when I had Paul's cock in my mouth and it made me realise exactly how stupid I was being. It wasn't just the fact that we'd sucked each other off in my office, but the whole situation. I had told myself the same thing over and over and ignored my head trying to tell me to stop while I still had the chance. Now I was so desperate to have him I would risk everything I had and the thought that he was on his way back to the hotel, that I wouldn't be able to be with him that night and that he would be gone the next day made me feel as if a huge fist had slammed into my guts.

It was Edward who saved me from my current discomfort a moment later, tapping lightly on the door and then sticking his tousled head around it, his face red and sweaty just as mine was.

"Edward! You look like Daddy, all sweaty," Sarah said.

"Oh, God," Leah groaned. "Sarah!"

Edward reddened further and fixed a grin onto his face. "I've been cycling, little miss, it's hard work. Jake, there's been an accident; some girl fell off one of the treadmills."

"Oh, fu...how awful!" I got to my feet quickly.

"She's not blaming us, she was running backwards, some stupid game with her friend. Max told her twice to use the machine properly."

"Ok, I'm coming." I grimaced at the expression and rounded the desk.

"We'll get out of your way; come on, Sarah." Leah ushered her out of the door and then paused to plant a kiss on my cheek. "Eat the pasta." Then they were gone and I heaved a huge sigh of relief. I knew I couldn't go on the way I had been any longer and I had the rest of the day to get myself together. Did I really want to throw away the last eleven years of my life, lose Leah and Sarah, for someone I'd spent only a matter of hours with? I had been full of resolve before and I knew I was weak and selfish for repeatedly letting things happen with him, but this time I would make a proper effort to get things back on track with Leah. I wouldn't give her any more reason to think I had a problem - I would make it work, however difficult it was for me to begin with.