CHAPTER SEVEN

The woman who had fallen off of the treadmill was full of apologies, despite having sprained her ankle and bruised both knees. She confirmed that Max, one of the personal trainers, had warned her twice to use the machine properly and it was her own stupid fault she had hurt herself. Her friend helped her hobble outside to her car, both of them promising to be back as soon as she was fit again and I heaved a sigh of relief and headed back to my office. I was about to close the door, when Edward placed a hand on it behind me, holding it open.

"Jake..."

"Yeah." I went to sit at my desk and poured myself some more water. Edward closed the door and fidgeted for a moment, looking somewhat nervous. "What's wrong?" I asked him.

"You know that Paul guy is gay..." he blurted eventually and then coloured up, which was no surprise. It didn't take much to make Edward blush. I stiffened and looked up at him. What had made him bring this up? It was totally out of the blue and seemed very out of character for him.

"What makes you say that?" I said carefully.

"Well...uh...I just know."

How could he know? My heart began to pound frantically and I felt a little sick. Was I right after all? He was gay and he knew about Paul because...had he been with Paul? Had they been together last night when Paul said he had been thinking about me? Was Paul the one who stood him up? I struggled to compose myself; anything I said could very easily give me away.

"Are you gay, Edward?"

Edward's red face turned almost puce and his neck and ears flushed vividly. He nodded slightly and chewed his lip and it was clear to me that I'd been right - he was worried about my reaction.

"You don't really think that bothers me, do you?"

He visibly sagged with relief and pushed himself away from the door, quickly folding his long frame into one of the chairs the other side of the desk. "I don't know, I've had some pretty shitty reactions to that bit of news before now. You're my employer; I don't want things to be awkward."

"They won't be, Edward, it's cool," I said at once. "Don't think you have to hide who you are with me. I'd like to think that we're friends as well as colleagues."

"Me too. Thanks, Jake," he said with a smile.

"So now we got that out in the open, are you gonna tell me what jerk stood you up Friday night?" I teased, relieved that at least the conversation had drifted away from Paul although I was still horrified by the thought that Edward might have been with him.

"It was nobody important, really. Some guy called Alec; we met in a bar and he asked me to have dinner Friday, but I guess he changed his mind." He shrugged. "Are you sure you don't mind talking about this?"

"Positive."

"Well, I am seeing somebody else now anyway; he seems nice, but then Alec did too. You never can tell."

"That was pretty quick work," I said casually. "So who's this other one, then?"

"His name's Emmett; he works at Global, actually; one of the trainers. We'd met before and exchanged numbers, but I thought I was seeing Alec so...anyway, we hooked up last night."

Emmett wasn't a very common name and my Emmett had been more obsessed with the body beautiful than I was. He was always working out and he'd been taking some qualifications to be a fitness instructor, sick of his old job in a workshop. It was probably the same guy. My nervously skipping pulse slowed down considerably now that I knew it wasn't Paul.

"Is he why you were so late?" I asked.

"Well, he's the reason I overslept. I'm really sorry about that; it won't happen again."

"It's ok."

I studied Edward thoughtfully for a moment, wondering if I could trust him. I could certainly trust him as an employee, but on a personal level? Most likely I could; he'd just confided in me with something that had clearly been very difficult for him and getting anything out of him was worse than getting blood out of a stone usually. Could I, in return, confide in him? Would it make things easier to have someone to talk to? The only other person I was close to was Embry and I would trust him with my life, but he was also married to Leah's best friend. Edward had just admitted he was gay and would probably understand my predicament even if he didn't approve of my infidelity.

"Why did you tell me Paul's gay?" I began.

"Well...uh...I guess I thought...I suppose I wanted you to know about me and I didn't know how to bring it up." He pinched the bridge of his nose and squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. "I hate hiding myself, you know? Up to now I just thought it was easier."

"Yeah, I know how that is," I nodded. "Edward, can I talk to you...in confidence?"

"Of course you can. I trusted you with my situation; you can trust me with anything you have to say."

I picked up the cup of water and gulped the contents, then licked my lips. I'd never talked to anyone about this - the fact that I was bisexual - with the exception of the guys I'd been with, obviously. I realised I was still fearful of the reaction, just like Edward had been when he opened up to me.

"You can tell me anything," he prompted. "You know how secretive I am; I'm not going to repeat whatever it is to anybody. Besides, I owe you one." He smiled encouragingly.

"Ok." I took a deep breath and just spat it out quickly. "I like guys. I have done since I was a kid."

"You're bi, then?" His eyebrows rose.

"Yes."

"Wow. Does Leah know?"

I groaned. "No, of course she doesn't know. Here's what happened. I knew I liked both before I was with her; my first experience I had was with a boy when I was in my teens. My Dad was fiercely anti-gay and he found some magazines in my room and made me feel like some kind of pervert. The thing with the boy was just casual and then I met Leah, started dating, fell in love...Dad was happy and I figured the guy thing wasn't that important. I was crazy about Leah..." I stopped again and cleared my throat. "To cut a really long story short, she got pregnant in school, her parents practically disowned her, Dad said she could move in, but we had to get married first. We did it to please him more than ourselves, but I figured I probably would have married her anyway later. We planned to go to college together, but it didn't happen because of the baby and I needed to work to support them.

"After a couple of years I realised it hadn't gone away; I was...I wanted a guy and there have been a few one-night stands over the years." I looked up from the desk and met his eyes. "I love Leah and Sarah, that hasn't changed, but I can't seem to put it behind me. If you're gonna condemn me for cheating, do it now. I hate myself for it."

Edward shook his head. "I wouldn't do that. Is there more?"

"Yes, the last guy...I've seen him a few times. It was supposed to only be one night again, but I can't...I can't stay away from him. I'm falling for him, Edward. God, it's such a fucking mess. If I wasn't married, I know I'd be with him."

"He feels the same?" Edward asked.

"I think so." I kept expecting to see shock or disappointment on his face and I wondered if maybe I shouldn't have told him all of that so suddenly. Once I got started I couldn't seem to stop and it was a relief to let it all out. However, his expression was one of sympathy and a touch of curiosity.

"Is the guy Paul Lahote?"

"Is it that obvious?"

"Not really, but there was this look between you when I told you there was a visitor. You lit up like a beacon and he looked like he wanted to have you for dinner."

"Oh, God," I muttered.

"I doubt anyone else would notice. I only did because...well..." He flushed again. "I suppose I was staring; he's quite...easy on the eye."

"He's fucking hot, Edward, you can say it," I snorted and then felt my own face turning red. "Well, anyway...I met him in Boston when I went to see the rowing machines at FitWorx. We spent the night together. Then the last few days while he was here..." I trailed off. "I have no fucking idea what to do. I hate what I'm doing to Leah. I told myself when he went back, which is tomorrow, I'd put it behind me and concentrate on my family, but part of me wants to get on the plane and go with him." I dropped my face into my hands with a groan. "What am I gonna do, Edward?"

"I think you need to figure out what you really want from your life," he said slowly. "You can't just forget about who you are. If it wasn't Paul, wouldn't it be somebody else? You said there have been a few. Think about this...suppose you never met Leah, but you met Paul instead...or any guy that you fell in love with. Would you be thinking about girls? Wanting to be with one?"

"Damnit, Edward!" I growled. It was a question I had tried to avoid asking myself, because I honestly wasn't sure of what the answer would be.

"It's something you need to think about," Edward went on. "You don't have to tell me the answer, but you need to be honest with yourself. If the answer is no, then it's not just Leah and Sarah you're being unfair to, but yourself as well. Everybody's entitled to be happy and if you're just suppressing what you really want because of your family and what your Dad said to you, maybe it's time you thought about changing things."

"I don't want to hurt them. Ten years, we've been married."

"Don't you think it would hurt them more if you carry on like this for another ten years and they find out by accident? If you can't walk away from Paul and he feels the same way you do, don't you think the situation is going to end up hurting him too?"

"How did you get to be so smart?" I sighed. "You're right. Everything you've said is right." I fell silent, thinking it over and eventually Edward got up.

"Well...I guess I better get cleaned up and get back to work."

"Yeah, thanks, Edward," I replied absently. He left the room and I sank back in my chair. I was still surprised that he had just blurted out his own situation to me, but when I thought about it, it must have been awkward for him when Leah and I had invited him over to our place and asked him to bring his girlfriend, during the times when I knew he'd been seeing someone. He'd made excuses not to come at all and on the one occasion he did show up for dinner, he'd been alone, telling us 'she' was sick and spending the evening looking uncomfortable and avoiding our eyes. He must have felt bad about lying to us, denying who he was and I could imagine the relief he felt in getting that off of his chest and not having me condemn him for it.

I thought long and hard for the rest of the day and by the time I went home, I hadn't been able to decide what to do for the best. I hated the thought of hurting Leah and letting her down, throwing away our marriage and the life we had together. I knew that she deserved more than I could give her, but at the same time I didn't want to lose her and I dreaded opening up to her and having her keep Sarah away from me. I tried not to think about Paul and have him influence me, but it was impossible not to. He would be alone in the hotel, probably thinking about me too and I imagined what I would have been doing if I was free to do it; heading over there the minute I finished work to be with him, tearing at each other's clothes, falling onto his bed, kissing, touching...

"Fuck," I hissed under my breath. I had to try to be honest with myself, like Edward said. What was it he asked me? If I was with a guy, would I be longing for a girl? I tried to imagine myself at eighteen again, meeting Paul in school, dating, falling in love. Perhaps we would have gone to college together, shared a dorm, had friends who supported us. What then? Would I have looked at girls in my classes and imagined myself with them? Would I have fantasised about them and eventually longed for one so much that I cheated on Paul? Not a chance in hell.

"I'm gay," I muttered. But if that was the case, how had I slept with Leah for so many years; loved her so much; made love to her? Maybe because for such a long time I'd been made to believe that wanting guys had been wrong. My head began to ache with the effort of trying to untangle my thoughts and decide what to do and I opened my drawer to grab the packet of aspirin in there, quickly swallowing two with some water.

I couldn't wait to leave work that day and I dragged my feet as I walked home rather than took the short subway ride, wishing I could just have some time to myself, although thinking hadn't really got me anywhere during the afternoon. My heart was pounding nervously as I made my way back to the apartment and I wondered how things were going to go. Even as I rode up in the elevator I hadn't decided what to do and the thought of actually telling Leah the truth about myself scared me. I didn't want to see the hurt and anger on her face, or hear her cry and I dreaded her leaving and taking Sarah. My life as I knew it would be over and so would theirs.

When I walked in, it was the same as always. Sarah was keen to spend time with me and Leah was busy in the kitchen making dinner and I made efforts to entertain my daughter, while guilt and unhappiness weighed me down. Only a few hours before I'd been with Paul and the thought of it made my pulse speed up, while going through the motions with my family made me feel like I was doing exactly that - going through the motions. How had things changed so fast? I still barely knew Paul, but the little time we'd spent together in his hotel and the gym had made me feel almost desperate to be with him. I found myself trying to think of a reason as to why I needed to go out for the evening, even if it meant just seeing him for one more hour, but I couldn't come up with anything and my heart sank when I realised he would be leaving in less than twenty-four hours and there would be no time before then.

The evening passed slowly and when I went to the bedroom, Leah was already in bed waiting for me. I went into the bathroom to get myself ready and when I joined her, she scooted close to me and stroked a hand over my chest.

"Where've you been today, huh?" she murmured. "You've been distracted since you got home."

"Um...I guess I was thinking about some things Edward said to me earlier. You know how secretive he is; he told me some stuff about himself."

"Gonna tell me?"

"I'll speak to him first; I'm sure it would be ok, but I don't want to betray a confidence, you know?"

"Ok." She pressed closer and kissed my cheek. The fact that she wasn't wearing her nightgown made it obvious she wanted to make love and for the first time since I'd been a teenager and we'd been fumbling around in the back seat of Dad's car, I felt nervous. I tried, I really did, kissing and touching her, pleasuring her first the way I often did, but I just couldn't get hard. I stiffened about half way, but when she started touching me, my cock slowly subsided and refused to respond. The harder I tried to get myself in the mood, the more anxious I became until it was clear it wasn't going to happen and I rolled away from her with a groan, both angry with myself and mortified.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered, not looking at her. "This has never happened before..."

"What's wrong, Jacob?" Leah asked.

"It's...nothing..."

"It's obviously something. You haven't been yourself for a while now and I asked you if there was a problem; you said you were just tired, but it's more than that, isn't it?" She paused and I heard her gulp. "Is there...another girl?"

"No!" I gasped immediately. "Jeez, Leah..."

"Well, what am I supposed to think, Jacob? You're distant and strange; you're not you. It's like you're an actor trying to be my Jake. You maybe don't realise you're doing it, but a lot of the time you just look...miserable. You look as if you'd rather be doing something else...with someone else. And now you can't make love to me. If it hadn't been for the other things, I'd have overlooked that, thought that maybe you're tired or worried about something and I'd have said it's ok, it doesn't matter, but everything together, just makes me wonder if you met another girl and you're wishing you were with her instead."

She was speaking through her teeth now, her voice low, the way she did when she was trying not to cry about something. I felt terrible and rather than use the opportunity to tell her the truth, I tried to cover it up. I couldn't bring myself to tell her she was half right and that there was someone else, but it was a man. She would never understand and would probably brand me as an unnatural pervert the same way Dad had done.

"Leah, I promise you, there isn't another girl. I've never even looked at another girl while I've been with you. Why would I want to, when I have you and Sarah?"

"I don't know, Jacob, you tell me. I'm not stupid, I know there's something...I don't know what, but something isn't right."

I tried to think of a response, but she saved me the trouble and continued.

"Look, Mom and Dad have wanted to see Sarah for a while, so here's what I'm going to do. School is out for a week soon - a week from tomorrow - so I'm going to take her to visit. Maybe if you have some time to yourself you can figure out exactly where we're going and what you want. I already said it's obvious you're not happy, so I hope you can decide what will make you happy. I love you, Jacob, and I want whatever this is to go away, but unless you can be honest with me, I don't see how it can."

"I'm sorry," I said miserably. "I love you too; I hope you know that."

"Just lately, it seems like you're drifting away from us; I'm not sure any more." She turned away and lay down with her back to me.

I lay there, staring up at the ceiling in the darkness, filled with anxiety and self-hatred. She was already hurt which was the last thing I wanted and when she returned from visiting her parents, I would have to tell her the truth. There was no getting away from it now and I knew however hard I tried, I couldn't be something I wasn't. Even if I never saw Paul again, there would be another guy sooner or later.

It was a relief to set off for the gym early the next morning. Sarah was still sleeping and Leah pretended to be, although I knew from her breathing she was awake. I had barely slept and I felt worn out and bad-tempered. It was noon before I even thought about Paul and the fact that his flight was in two hours. He was probably on his way to the airport right now if he wasn't there already and he hadn't called me. He hadn't said he would, of course, but somehow I expected him to have gotten in touch to say goodbye. Perhaps the uncomfortable meeting between him and Leah had made him decide to keep his distance and that thought only made me feel worse than I already did.

It was Edward's day off and during the afternoon I was kept busy with work, even having to fill in for one of my trainers for a while after he was called home to a family emergency, his son having fallen at school and broken his arm. I constantly watched the clock, hoping that Paul would call me when he got back to Boston, but the rest of the day passed without me hearing anything from him. When I eventually got home, Leah greeted me the same way she always did, but her smile didn't reach her eyes and I knew she was only doing it for Sarah's sake.

That night I slept like the dead, mainly due to exhaustion and the next day went by in exactly the same way, only this time I had Edward to talk to and again I confided in him, telling him about the conversation with Leah and that I had made up my mind to tell her the truth. I knew I should have done it right away rather than dwell on it and let her worry about it until after she came back from her parents' and I wasn't sure why I didn't. I had to put it down to cowardice and the ridiculous hope that somehow everything would work out and I wouldn't have to.

By Wednesday I still hadn't heard from Paul and after spending the morning telling myself he obviously didn't want me as much as I wanted him after all, I called FitWorx, my heart in my mouth and my free hand nervously tapping on the desk as I waited for the receptionist to put me through to him.

"Jake."

"Hey..." I found I didn't know what to say to him either.

"You wanted to talk to me?" he prompted.

"Yeah; I'm sorry about what happened before."

"Don't apologise for your family, Jacob, I shouldn't have been there," he said shortly. "I know I said I couldn't stay away, but I was wrong. This was only supposed to be one night; married guys are often the best option for me because it never goes anywhere."

"You know it's more than that," I said. "Isn't it? I can't stop thinking about you either; I want you, Paul."

"I don't want to come between you and your wife; I never wanted that. I guess I was just being...selfish when I saw you outside the Thai restaurant. I don't want this to go any further. It wouldn't be good for either of us."

My heart plummeted and I licked my lips, but I tried one more time; he sounded sad, as if he felt differently to what he was actually saying and I knew well enough how that felt.

"I'm falling for you," I said quickly. "I can't imagine...not seeing you again."

"Christ, Jacob," he muttered.

"Tell me you don't care and you don't want to see me, and I'll hang up now. You'll never hear from me again," I pressed. There was a long silence. "Paul?"

"Don't do this to me! Fuck!" he growled. My spirits lifted slightly at this, but I put the ball back in his court.

"Look...just think about it and call me," I said. "I hope you will. This is my cellphone number..." I reeled off the number, not knowing whether or not he was writing it down. "I'm gonna be alone all next week; my wife and daughter are going to visit her parents." I didn't add that she suspected something was wrong and that I planned to tell her the truth. He had said he didn't want to come between us and I feared that if he knew he already had, he would run away.

"Ok," he said quietly.

"Ok," I repeated and then I forced myself to return the phone to its cradle and end the call. Now I would have to wait and see if he called me.