CHAPTER EIGHT
I didn't hear from Paul for two days and in the meantime, I was tense and anxious at both work and at home. Things were strained with Leah, as much as I tried to talk to her as usual and I was concerned that Sarah would pick up on the atmosphere between us. Leah planned for them to set off to her parents' house in the country early Saturday morning and had already begun packing some changes of clothes. The journey was only fifty miles and they were to take a train there. It had taken almost a year after Sarah was born before Leah and her mother had begun speaking again and eventually we had started to see them, but they had always made it fairly obvious that they only tolerated me for Leah and Sarah's sake and still condemned me for 'ruining Leah's life', as they put it. Perhaps they were right; I may not have ruined things for her yet, but I was about to.
It was Friday afternoon when I finally heard from Paul. I didn't think he was going to contact me and I felt thoroughly miserable about it, but then suddenly my cellphone beeped on my desk with an incoming text message. Edward was with me, discussing advertising for another person to assist him in managing and although I stared at the phone hopefully, I didn't pick it up.
"Aren't you going to get that?" Edward asked.
"It can wait."
"But can you? It might be him."
I'd confided in Edward again that morning when he asked if I wanted to talk, having noticed I looked tense and unhappy and was hiding in my office. Now I snatched up the phone and opened the message.
'Can you talk? P.'
"It's him," I said.
Edward grinned and got up. "I'll see you later."
"We haven't finished," I protested.
"It can wait. Your mind's not on the job anyway." He gave me another grin and left me alone. With the text, I now had Paul's cell number and I quickly saved it into my contacts and then called it.
"Jake."
"Hey. I wondered if you wrote down my number."
"I remembered it and put it in my phone," he said with a half laugh. "How are you?"
"Pretty shit actually," I admitted.
"Yeah. I've been trying to tell myself to just let it go; this isn't doing either of us any good and it's only going to get worse, but...I still want to see you."
"I want to see you too," I said in relief.
"You know why I've been trying to stay away."
"The same reason I did at first. This was only ever meant to be one night, the same as before, but it's more than that now."
"What about your family?"
"Can we not do this on the phone?" I asked awkwardly. I wanted to tell him everything; that I planned to tell Leah the truth when she came home, but if it made him feel that it was his fault and he didn't want to be responsible, he could hang up and avoid me. If I was with him, we could discuss it properly. "I'll talk to you about it when I see you," I added.
"Ok. I can't be too long on the phone anyway, I'm at work," he said to my relief. "So you said you'll be on your own next week?"
"Yes, from tomorrow morning." My pulse quickened and I imagined myself racing to Boston to be with him, or him coming back to New York.
"Can you get away?"
"I think so. I'll need to check that Edward's ok with covering."
"What would you tell him?"
"The truth," I said. "He knows what's going on."
"You told him?" Paul gasped.
"Yeah, he had something he wanted to get off of his chest a couple days ago. He's gay and had been worried about telling me. He pretty much guessed anyway; apparently you were looking at me like you wanted to eat me."
Paul chuckled suddenly. "Well, I hope he keeps his mouth shut."
"He will; I trust him. So if I can come to Boston, when...?"
"The weekend's better; I only work Monday to Friday. If you could get here tomorrow we could hit that club up again...maybe see a baseball game? Just so happens the Yankees are here playing the Red Sox."
"You don't support the Red Sox," I pointed out.
"Hell, a game's a game. I'll just go with your team."
My heart leapt and my stomach fluttered with excitement. It sounded like a proper date; baseball game, club and then...Paul pounding me into his mattress. My cock began to lengthen and everything else went out of my head.
"Can you hold on while I check with Edward?"
"Sure."
I put the call on hold and buzzed Edward's office. "You want to know if I can hold the fort, right?" he said.
"Do you have a glass to the wall?" I teased. "I hate doing this, taking off and leaving you in the lurch, but..."
"When?" he interrupted.
"This weekend."
"Yes, you're always off Saturdays anyway and Sunday won't be a problem."
"Thanks. I'll talk to you properly in a minute." I went back to Paul. "He's ok with it."
"So, just get here as soon as you can and call me when you land."
"I'm gonna take the train," I decided. "It'll actually be quicker by the time I travel to Newark, check in and wait around."
"Ok, message me when you know what time your train will get in and I'll meet you. I have to go now; Andrew called a meeting a little while ago."
"Sure. See you tomorrow," I said. I ended the call, both relieved and anxious. I couldn't wait to see him, but I was a touch worried about telling him I planned to tell Leah and of course, I was dreading doing that. In one more week, it would be fairly certain that I'd be moving out of the apartment - I would never ask her to leave - and I knew it was going to hurt like hell. I didn't want to lose my family, but I'd come to realise that living a lie wasn't doing anybody any good. Since I acknowledged that I'd spent my life trying to fool myself and that I was actually gay, I knew there was no option but to release myself from the torment of trying to be something I wasn't and let Leah be free of it. I just hoped that she would still let me see Sarah.
I buzzed Edward again a moment later and asked him to come back in. He appeared within seconds and sat down.
"I'm going tomorrow and I'll come back Sunday night or early Monday," I said. "Oh shit, Monday is your day off."
"I'll take Tuesday," Edward said easily.
"Are you sure this is ok?"
"Absolutely. If you held the fort for two days while I spent every minute with Emmett, I'd be over the moon."
"Well, maybe I'll do that, as a thank you," I grinned. He seemed really keen on Emmett and it occurred to me that if it continued, it was quite likely that I would eventually run into the guy, which could prove awkward. I knew I should tell Edward and it would certainly be better now, rather than have him find out from Emmett and be more upset that I hadn't been honest with him. "You really like Emmett, then," I said.
"He's awesome; really down to earth and genuine and funny and..."
"I think I might know him," I interrupted. "Emmett's not a very common name."
"Oh?"
"Does he know where you work?"
"Yes, but he didn't say anything."
"Is his last name McCarty?"
"Yes."
"It is the same guy," I said. "Edward, I met Emmett a bit over two years ago..."
Edward's smile slipped and he tugged a hand through his hair. "Did you and he...?"
"It was nothing, Edward. I met him in a club, we had maybe three or four hours together and that was it. Don't let this spoil things for you, it was a long time ago and it didn't mean anything."
"You didn't see him again?"
"No. We exchanged numbers, but I deleted his and he never called me. I was still in denial about what I wanted."
"Ok."
"I'm sorry," I went on. "I wanted you to know. It wouldn't be fair if he showed up here to see you or we ran into each other some other way and you found out later."
"It's ok. Thank you for telling me."
"Are you sure?" I pressed.
"Yeah. Like you said, it was a long time ago. I kind of wonder why he didn't say he knew you, but we've only seen each other a handful of times. We haven't got to the stage of talking about exes and that sort of thing."
"He probably doesn't even remember me and we're hardly exes - just ships that passed in the night," I said. "So, this advertisement..."
I managed to concentrate on work for a while and Edward went ahead to place an ad in a couple of newspapers and online for an assistant manager. I dealt with some other paperwork and later my phone beeped with another message. I was surprised to discover it was Paul again and I gasped when I opened it. It was a picture of the crotch area of a pair of running shorts with the fabric obscenely tented around a large erection. The message underneath read, 'Look what you fucking do to me!'
"Fuck," I muttered. Immediately my cock began to stiffen in response and I adjusted my pants, thanking God Edward wasn't in the room this time. I could imagine exactly what was inside those shorts; thick shaft, purple head, oozing with pre-cum, quivering with want. I licked my lips.
'So fucking hot, can't wait to have your cock in me again,' I typed and clicked 'send' before I thought twice about it.
'Want to fuck you in the shower,' was the response and I cursed under my breath, pressing the heel of my palm over my erection as it throbbed eagerly beneath the desk.
'Jeez, stop, I'm working,' I typed. The response was a laughing 'smiley'. I put the phone down and did my best to think about the paperwork in front of me. My cock ached and I repeatedly lowered my hand and adjusted it, struggling to resist the temptation to go into the bathroom and jerk off. I was leaking into my shorts and I couldn't get the thought of Paul fucking me in the shower out of my head. The way things were going, we would have to relieve some pressure as soon as I arrived, before we thought about doing anything else.
Eventually, I managed to get myself together and later Edward left to spend the evening with Emmett, promising he would be on time to open up in the morning. I remained alone and uninterrupted until I locked up and then I made my way home quickly. Leah was finishing packing a large bag for her and Sarah and she looked at me sadly as I pulled my shoes off and sat down on the sofa.
"I hope when I come back, we can sort this out...whatever it is," she said.
"We'll talk, I promise," I replied, feeling like a complete shit. I should have told her there and then and I was tempted to. The only thing stopping me was that Sarah was sleeping and I just knew that Leah would yell. It would be better if we could get Marie to take her for a while when they returned so that Leah could yell and scream at me as much as she wanted without upsetting Sarah. "I'm gonna take a shower." I got up and went into the bathroom, quickly scrubbing myself and putting on a pair of pyjama pants to sleep in. Leah stayed in the living room for a while longer and then came to the bedroom, lying stiffly with her back to me as she had done for the past few days.
Leah rose before me in the morning and I stayed in bed while I listened to her waking Sarah and getting breakfast for the two of them, chattering about the trip to see Gramps and Gramma, Leah explaining that I couldn't get away from work this time to go with them. I got up and dressed quickly, knowing they planned to leave at eight o'clock to get the train.
"Do you want me to go with you to the station and carry that bag?" I offered.
"No, thank you," Leah said coldly.
"Ok. Call and let me know when you get there."
"I'll text." She turned away from me and began to clear away the dishes from breakfast. I was surprised by the way she spoke to me. I knew she was upset and worried, but she'd maintained things as close to normal as possible up to now and I wasn't sure what had changed. Perhaps she sensed that the 'talk' wasn't going to result in us getting back to the way things had been.
"Are we going yet, Mommy?" Sarah came out of her room with her knapsack, the head of her favourite toy sticking out from under the flap.
"Five minutes. Go to the toilet, honey, and brush your teeth."
"Ok." Sarah dumped her bag beside Leah's and disappeared again.
"Have a safe trip," I said quietly.
"We're going on the train, Jacob; what's going to happen?" she almost spat at me.
"Leah..."
"Just don't. We'll talk when I get back."
"Fine."
She glared at me and grabbed a coat from the hook by the door. She was clearly inwardly seething and I wished I could have said something that would have made things better. Rather than being cool and distant, she was furious. I watched in silence, planting a smile on my face when Sarah came out of the bathroom and scooping her off her feet in a bear-hug.
"Gonna miss you," I said.
"I'll miss you too, Daddy. I'll bring you a present."
I gave her a kiss and placed her back on her feet, feeling horribly as if I was saying goodbye for the last time. Pretty soon I would be doing just that, at least with Leah, and suddenly my excitement over seeing Paul was swamped by regret and guilt and sadness. For a little while after they set off, I was in two minds about actually going to Boston, fearing that my current mood might be difficult to shake off and not wanting Paul to see me like this, moping, but in the end the thought of being with him won out. More than anything, I just wanted to feel his arms around me and I went to pack an overnight bag quickly, choosing a shirt and jeans suitable for a club, sweats and t-shirts, clean underwear and toiletries. I was wearing cargo pants and a long-sleeved t-shirt and now I grabbed some coffee and quickly checked train times on my phone. There was one leaving for Boston at nine o'clock and I decided to take it. It was the express which took a little over three hours and I booked a ticket to save myself time, gathered up bag, phone, wallet and keys and set off.
The subway took me to the station in a few minutes and my train was already in, with passengers boarding. I found a seat quickly, stowed my bag under it and sent Paul a text to tell him what time I was due to arrive in Boston. He didn't answer right away and an hour passed before I heard from him, saying he would meet me off the train.
I spent the rest of the journey in a turmoil of feelings - anxiety about Leah's temper that morning and the prospect of admitting to her that I had hidden my true self from her for eleven years, and eagerness to see Paul, to kiss him, hold onto him, tell him I would soon be free to be with him properly. I just hoped that would be what he wanted too. As much as he avoided relationships, he didn't seem able to stay away from me and I hoped he felt as strongly as I did. If he was willing to give it a try, then maybe I would finally have a chance at being truly happy.
About an hour from Boston I received a text from Leah, saying simply, 'Arrived at parents,' and that was all. I didn't answer, unable to think of anything to say at that moment. It seemed terrible that only a short time ago we had celebrated our anniversary and now we were about to part, only she didn't know it yet; or maybe she did. Maybe she suspected that our talk upon her return wouldn't result in me telling her what she wanted to hear.
My train pulled into the station in Boston at twelve-twenty and I was on my feet waiting by the door at the front of the line of passengers ready to get off before it had stopped moving. I hurried down the steps and looked left and right, but I didn't see Paul. I decided to head for the exit and then stand there and wait, but as I made my way towards it, he appeared suddenly, walking briskly, looking around him the same way I had been doing. He was wearing impossibly tight faded blue jeans, a thin sweater and boots and I changed direction quickly and strode towards him, my stomach filling with butterflies and my heart beginning to pound. All the worries I had been having faded away and when he noticed me a second later and grinned, I was already beaming from ear to ear.
"Paul..." Regardless of who might be observing, I dropped my bag and flung my arms around him and immediately felt him return the hug, crushing me against him.
"Miss me?" he teased.
I pressed my face into his neck and didn't answer. My eyes stung and I squeezed them shut for a moment, surprised by how overcome I suddenly felt. I took a deep breath and pulled back a little.
"You alright?"
"Yeah."
His lips brushed over mine and lingered for a moment until a voice drove us apart.
"Fucking fags!"
Paul turned around and sneered at the leather-clad guy with a dozen piercings on his face. "Suck my dick," he retorted and I suppressed a laugh with difficulty and picked my bag up. The guy spat something unintelligble and walked away.
"He's just jealous," smirked Paul.
We began to walk out of the station and he led the way into the parking lot, pulling out a set of keys as we approached a sleek black M3.
"Nice. And you want an upgrade?" I said as I slid into the passenger seat.
"Not really, I'll just take a bonus." He gunned the engine and a few minutes later I recognised the street where my hotel had been and Quentin's a little further down.
"Are we going to your place?" I asked.
"No, I figured we'd get some lunch if you're hungry..."
I nodded.
"...then head to the ballgame. If we go to my place right away we'll probably not get out of the door again all weekend," he grinned.
"Yeah, that's probably true."
"Plus we have some stuff to talk about before we get into anything."
I sighed. "Yeah, I know. I wanted to do it in person rather than on the phone. I thought you might not hear me out..."
He glanced at me for a second and then turned his attention back to the road. "What's going on, Jacob?"
"I'm gonna...um...when Leah comes back I'm gonna tell her that I'm...um..."
"Fuck, Jacob, don't make this about me," Paul groaned. "I said I didn't want to come between you."
"It's not about you. I mean, it is and it isn't. Look...when I talked to Edward the other day it made me think about things properly; things I've been trying to avoid for years."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm gay. I always convinced myself I must be bi because of Leah, but I'm just lying to myself."
He looked at me again briefly and then suddenly swerved the car into a side street and parked up so that he could focus on me rather than the traffic.
"Sorry, go on."
"I realised I can't live like this any more. I think if I hadn't been made to feel like some kind of perverted freak by my Dad, I wouldn't have been looking for a girl when I was sixteen or seventeen. At the time it felt like what I wanted and I was in love with her; I still love her, but it's not right. Most of the time I hate myself because I'm being a complete shit to her when she doesn't deserve it. I'm not totally happy either and it's time I was honest with everybody. I don't know if I was just too gutless to admit it before, or if I was too invested in being...what everyone expected." I stopped and waited for him to speak. I hadn't expected this conversation to start so quickly, but at least getting it over with would mean one less thing to worry about during the weekend.
"Are you sure about this?" he asked. "I mean, you've been with other guys...didn't you ever consider this then?"
I shook my head. "I convinced myself I just needed one little taste and then I could put it behind me for a few more years."
"So why now?"
"You know what I said on the phone," I said, feeling my face heat up a little. I suddenly wasn't sure if he would respond in the way I hoped and I didn't want to repeat the words.
"Yes, and believe me, that's the only reason I got in touch with you yesterday. I was trying to talk myself out of it and you know why. I don't want to end up falling for you and then lose you and that could easily happen if you decide you want to go back to playing happy families. I don't need another kick in the balls like that."
"That wouldn't happen," I said firmly. "Even if Leah doesn't file for divorce right away and hate me for the rest of her life, I can't pretend any more."
"What about your kid?"
"That's gonna be the hardest part. I hope Leah will still let me see her, but I won't know until she gets back and we talk about it."
Paul sighed heavily. "You know this isn't just going to be straight-forward. You say you love her and after ten years or however long it is, you won't just walk away and be over it."
"I know that."
"I don't want to be the consolation prize in this, wondering if it's really me you want or if I'm just the bad guy that made you realise your marriage is a lie."
"You wouldn't be," I said earnestly. "I want you, so much. Being with you feels...right. I want to be free to enjoy this, rather than feeling fucking guilty that I can't stop thinking about you. I guess that depends on you, though. Whether you actually want more than just a few casual fucks."
"I think we both know it's already more than that." His lips twitched slightly and he stared at me silently for a long moment, then looked away. "So did you jerk off over that picture?"
"I was sorely tempted, but I managed to save it." I relaxed at last, relieved that the conversation seemed to be over and he hadn't told me to get back on the train and go home. "I want you to fuck me in the shower," I added, repeating his text.
"Jeez, now you know that's all I'm gonna be thinking about during the fucking ballgame," he snorted. "C'm'ere!"
I released my seatbelt and leaned towards him as he did the same and our lips mashed together, Paul's tongue thrusting into my mouth. I raised a hand to his neck and kissed him back hungrily, sliding my tongue against his and moaning into the kiss as my blood rushed to my groin. Then his hand was there, stroking me through the loose pants, coaxing my semi-erection easily into a full hard-on. I covered his hand with my own and pressed it harder against me, bucking my hips up and grinding against his palm. He broke the kiss, his breathing as rapid as my own and when I glanced down, I could see his obvious erection straining against his zipper.
"Christ," he whispered, pulling his hand free. "I fucking want you right now."
"I think we'd get arrested," I grinned, indicating a cop in the distance strolling along the sidewalk towards us.
"Fuck it." Paul leaned back in his seat, clipped his seatbelt in place and started the car again. In a second we were turning out of the street and heading away from the centre of the city, part of me hoping he had changed his mind and we were going to his apartment, but my empty stomach rumbled loudly, indicating it needed attention before my cock. Paul laughed and glanced over at me. "I thought we'd just get burgers for now and have a proper meal after the game. Are you fit to be seen yet?"
"More so than you," I replied, glancing at his crotch which was still bulging obscenely. His jeans were so tight that I could see the outline of the head of his cock and a small spot of dampness which had seeped through the fabric. "Don't you ever wear underwear?"
"Usually only at work. Maybe we'll just use the drive-through."
"Probably a good idea."
A few minutes later we pulled up outside the window of a fast food restaurant and Paul lowered the window. "What do you want?"
"Anything; whatever you're having."
He ordered two loaded double hamburgers, fries and coke and then drove around to the parking lot where we sat eating, the food mercifully taking our minds off sex, at least temporarily. When we were done I got out of the car to dump the cartons in the trash and then we were on the road again, heading for the ball park. I sat there with a grin on my face, deciding to let myself enjoy the weekend as much as I could and try not to worry about anything else until I got on the train to go home. It felt as if I was finally getting to do something that I'd longed for my whole life and I meant to savour every minute, because when I went home, I didn't know when I would get to see him again.