CHAPTER ELEVEN
I let the strap of my bag slip from my shoulder and dropped it onto the floor. My heart was thundering in my chest and suddenly I was breathless, swallowing dryly and wondering how the hell I was going to start explaining myself.
"Uh...what are you doing home?" I croaked. "Where's Sarah?"
"She's at my parents', Jacob. I wanted her out of the way while we talk, but I didn't expect to get back and find you weren't here. So where were you?"
"Boston. I...um..."
Leah's eyes narrowed and she opened her mouth as if to ask why, but then shut it again. I took the opportunity to move to the armchair opposite the couch and sit down, my body shaking slightly and my stomach churning. It wasn't supposed to be like this; I was supposed to have worked out the best way to tell her while she was away. She was pissed, more so than she had been before she left and I knew that this wasn't going to go the way I hoped. I'd known she would yell when I told her the truth, but her icy calmness indicated complete rage simmering below the surface.
"I was going to talk to you when you got back," I said.
"I am back."
"You know what I mean. Next weekend. I've been wanting to tell you something for a while, I just...didn't know how."
Leah raised an eyebrow and simply stared back at me, her dark eyes impenetrable and her jaw set. What could I say? Just blurt it out? Beat around the bush? Christ.
"You asked me a little while ago if there was another girl...if I was seeing someone else..." I said slowly. "I was telling the truth when I said no, but...there is...something."
"Do you mean you're not seeing someone else any more...or it's not a girl?" Leah gritted out.
My racing heart only increased its pace at her words. Somehow she knew something. It was too much of a coincidence for her to hint at that without having some kind of clue and my mind flicked through the possibilities. The only person who knew was Edward; had she talked to him? Maybe called the gym when I wasn't there? Had he told her? I'd trusted him, but faced by Leah's fury, a stronger man than Edward would easily break.
"I...um...I'm bisexual," I whispered. I couldn't say 'gay'; at least not yet. "I met a guy."
Leah glared, but her face didn't register any surprise. "Presumably it was him you were with this weekend?"
I nodded miserably.
"You know what the funny thing is? I knew," she said. "I knew what you were doing. Give me your phone."
"What?" I looked up, puzzled and the icy facade cracked. Leah sprang to her feet and snarled down at me.
"Give me your fucking phone, Jacob!"
"Why? It's...um..." Automatically I began to fumble in my pocket while my blood turned cold and I wondered if she had seen something on it that I had failed to delete; perhaps the night before she and Sarah left, which would explain her sudden mood change the next morning.
"Forget it, it doesn't matter," she snapped now. "I'm never going to forget what I read; not in a million years. I don't need to see it again, if it's still there. 'Can't wait to have your cock in me again'. How the fuck do you think that made me feel?!"
"Oh, God..." I dropped my head into my hands. Why had I been so careless, leaving something like that in the phone? If she saw the message, she probably saw his picture too - his erection, obvious inside thin shorts. I should have deleted them straight away; not so that I wouldn't be found out because I'd intended to tell her anyway, but to save her having to find out like that. Guilt washed over me and I felt sick at the thought of how she must have felt for the past two days.
"It's the guy from FitWorx, isn't it?" she prompted now.
"Yes."
"Why?" She backed away and sat back down on the couch. "Explain to me, because I suddenly feel like I don't even know you. Maybe if it had been a girl, I wouldn't have liked it, but I might have understood, but this...how long have you known?"
"Since I was a kid," I blurted and she sucked her breath in.
"Go on."
"My Dad found some magazines in my room when I was about fifteen and made me feel like some kind of unnatural freak, so I just hid it and thought it would go away. I had a...an episode with a neighbour's kid and that was it. It didn't seem that important and then I met you and for a while I never even thought about it."
"For a while? How long is a while, Jacob? We've been together eleven years."
"There were a...a few casual..things," I stammered. "I am so sorry. I was planning to tell you when you came back. Up to now I just kept telling myself I wouldn't have to; that I'd get over it."
"Do you even love me at all? Did you ever love me, or did you just start seeing me to please your Dad?"
"No, it wasn't like that at all!" I exclaimed. "I loved you; I still love you and Sarah. I hate myself for the way I've behaved; maybe I'm just weak and I couldn't stop myself. I never wanted to hurt you."
"Why now? Why is this time different? This Paul - how many times have you seen him?"
"A few. I just...I didn't mean for this to happen, Leah, I'm so sorry," I said again.
"Are you in...in love with him?" She asked more quietly, her voice shaking. She closed her eyes as she waited for my answer and I watched unhappily as her anger gave way to pain for a moment, tears squeezing out from beneath her eyelids and rolling down her cheeks.
"It's not important," I said helplessly.
"Just answer the question, Jacob."
"Yes."
She dropped her head into her hands. "So this is why you planned to tell me now? You want to be with him?" she choked.
"That isn't why. I've hated myself for the things I've done; the way I've treated you. I wanted to finally be honest with you. You've been nothing but amazing to me ever since I met you and I've been a complete shit. You don't deserve any of this, Leah, I'm so sorry."
She looked up again and scrubbed her hands over her cheeks impatiently. "And now you...you love this man. How can I ever compete with that? If it had been a girl, I would fight tooth and nail for you; kick the shit out of her if I had to, but this...I don't know what to do. I can't understand it."
"I'm sorry," I said once again. My heart hurt for her as I watched her struggle to get her head around what I said; what she'd known before I even opened my mouth. I knew I was losing her, but even though I'd planned to tell her, intended for us to part so that I could be with Paul, I found myself praying that she would say it was ok, that we could work it out, that she wouldn't give up on me.
"You're sorry? How sorry were you when you were in Boston with him, huh?" she demanded suddenly. "How sorry were you when he was fucking you?!"
She was on her feet again, her fists clenched, and I quickly rose too. "Leah..."
"Don't 'Leah' me. How did you think I would take this, Jacob? You're my husband! The father of my child and now you tell me that basically, it never meant anything because you've been fucking guys behind my back from the beginning! Did it never occur to you to tell me when we were kids? Before we got married? I would have understood then, maybe. Instead you go along with it all like the gutless bastard you are and have your cake and eat it for ten fucking years! You say you loved me, but how much does that really mean if you're spending your life trying to talk yourself out of getting with guys and then doing it anyway? How could you do this to us, Jacob? What the fuck is the matter with you?!"
She was screaming, tears still falling at the same time and I realised my own cheeks were wet too. I didn't know what to do; I should have expected she would react like this and I'd known she would be furious, but somehow I just hadn't dwelled on it and now, I wished I could take it all back. I wished I could be back in Boston weeks ago, looking out of the bar window at Quentin's and then walking back to my hotel without ever having gone in there.
"Leah, please..." I reached out to grab her by the shoulders and the flat of her hand connected with my face in a stinging slap, followed by the other hand on the opposite cheek.
"Don't fucking touch me!" she spat, backing away. "I don't want you near me! You make me sick! Just get out, Jacob! Leave!"
"Leah, I'm sorry," I choked, brushing away my own tears.
"Yeah, you said, about a hundred times. Just go." Again she sat down, elbows resting on her knees, her eyes on the floor, her rage subsiding quickly. "I can't talk to you right now. I don't even want to look at you. I need time to think."
"What about Sarah?" I asked.
"What about her? She's with my parents and thank God for that. I don't want my daughter subjected to any of this; having to hear what a lying, cheating piece of shit her father is."
I gulped and turned away, grabbing my bag and heading into the bedroom to pack up some more clothes. 'My daughter', she had said, not 'ours'. My heart plummeted into my shoes as I began stuffing shirts and shorts and spare pants into another larger bag, sniffing and brushing my hand across my eyes every so often as tears continued to well up. I could hear Leah crying quietly in the lounge and the sound cut through me, a constant reminder of what I'd done to her; to our family.
In less than ten minutes I had crammed as much as I could into the bag, only taking clothes and personal items. I wanted to go back to Leah and try to talk to her again; to somehow try to make things better, but I knew she wouldn't appreciate it right now. She wanted me gone and rightly so. I went to the door and picked up the other bag; the one I had taken to Boston. Leah was still sitting where I left her, her face now dry and her body rigid, arms wrapped around herself. She glanced up at me, her lips set in a thin line.
"I'll go to a motel," I said numbly. "There's one on the next block from the gym."
She lowered her eyes again and didn't answer.
"When will you go to get Sarah?"
"I'm going back tomorrow."
"You will let me see her..."
"I can't think right now. Will you just go? I'll talk to you when I've had the chance to try to make sense of this." She rose swiftly and walked out of the room, disappearing into the bedroom and closing the door firmly behind her.
I left; there wasn't anything else I could do. It took me thirty minutes to reach the motel and secure a room with my credit card and I didn't remember getting there when I sat down on the well-worn bed with its lime green cover. I didn't remember the elevator ride from the apartment or the walk from there to the motel. All I was able to think about was Leah's face and her words to me; how much I had hurt her and how hurt Sarah would be when she arrived home and found me gone. What would Leah tell her, I wondered?
I sprawled out on the bed with an arm across my face, my mind a muddle. My head ached and my chest felt as if it were being squeezed my steel bands. All of it was my own fault. Maybe I could have avoided falling for Paul if I hadn't gone into Quentin's that day, but if it hadn't been him, just like Edward said it probably would have been somebody else. I should have been honest from the start, but I had really thought when I met Leah that the episode with Jared was behind me and that it didn't really mean anything. The excitement of my new relationship with her had pushed those thoughts and feelings to the very back of my mind and then when she found out she was pregnant and our lives were changed, I had thought only of supporting her and our baby; of setting up my new business and making it work.
"Fuck," I groaned, rolling over and pressing my face into the pillow. It wasn't until two years after Sarah was born that I realised it hadn't just been a one-off and that I still wanted - needed - a guy. I didn't blame Leah one bit for her venomous response to what I said. It would have been bad enough for her if she hadn't seen the texts and I'd just told her the truth, but it had come out in the worst possible way and there wasn't a thing I could do to make it any better.
My phone beeped in my pocket and I fumbled it out, glancing at the screen and hoping to see Leah's name there, even if the message only told me to drop dead or that she hated me, but it was a text from Paul. My heart fluttered and sank at the same time and I shoved the phone under the pillow without reading the message. I longed for him; I wanted to feel his arms around me, his body pressed against mine; I needed his comfort, but I couldn't expect him to give it to me when the reason for my grief was my wife, who I knew he feared I would end up staying with despite what I'd said to him. I couldn't hurt him by letting him know how completely lost and wretched I felt at that moment, so instead I hurt him by ignoring him.
I began to cry, muffling my sobs in the pillow and cursing myself for being such a complete failure to everyone around me. I failed Leah as a husband, Sarah as a father even though she didn't know yet, and I failed my lover by making promises to him that I didn't know right then if I could keep. I was filled with self-loathing and no amount of wishing myself back in time to do things differently was going to do any good - all I could do was try to fix things for the future and I had no clue how to do that.
I wondered again what Leah might tell Sarah. She wasn't a vindictive woman and I knew she would think about what was best for Sarah in all of this rather than herself. I didn't think she would keep our daughter away from me because it wouldn't be good for her, but what would she tell her? That Daddy fell in love with someone else and wanted to be with them more than his own family? She wouldn't understand that, not at ten years old.
My thoughts continued to torment me through the night as I barely slept and by the time daylight came, I felt drained, my head pounded as if with a hangover and I still felt completely sick with myself. My first instinct was to grab for my phone and call Leah, but as my thumb hovered over the 'call' button, I talked myself out of it. She didn't want to hear from me; she had said she needed time to think and me pressuring her wasn't going to help anyone.
I was about to haul myself up and start getting ready for work, until I remembered I'd arranged with Edward to have Monday off and I sank back against the pillows again with a sigh and closed my eyes, hoping I might sleep and forget, just for an hour or two. Somehow I did sleep and it wasn't until noon that I woke, to the sound of a fist hammering on the door to my room. Groggily I staggered to my feet, dragging a hand through my short hair and making it stand on end as I shuffled to the door, hoping it might be Leah wanting to talk.
"What the hell, Jacob? You cheated on Leah?" It was Embry.
"Oh, God," I groaned, backing up to let him into the room. "How did you know?"
"What do you mean, how did I know? Leah called Marie last night; they were talking until three in the morning."
"Fuck," I muttered, sinking onto the edge of the bed again.
"What's wrong with you? I thought you loved Leah and Sarah. You always seemed so happy with them." Embry shoved the door shut and sat down on the single ratty chair beside the small table.
"Uh...how much do you know exactly?" I asked.
"Only that you've been fucking around. I'm sure Marie knows a lot more than she's telling; those two are as thick as thieves. So who is she? Someone to do with work, right?"
"Hmm." I rubbed my hands over my face. "Don't ask about it, Embry, ok? I fucked up big time, I know that."
"Of course I'm going to ask about it; how long have we been friends? Twenty years? How serious is it?"
"Uh...I guess it's serious," I admitted. "I was gonna tell Leah, but she found out before I got the chance. Some texts..."
"I don't get it. What has she...whoever she is...got, that Leah doesn't? I always thought you were lucky to get her; beautiful, smart, strong...so what happened?"
"Damnit, Embry!" I growled. "I can't talk to you about this, alright? I feel like enough of a shit as it is. How did you find out where I was anyway?"
"Leah told Marie you were in a motel near work. Why can't you tell me what's going on? How many times have we confided in each other over stuff we fucked up on, Jake? I might think you're an asshole for fucking around on Leah, but I'm still your friend. Who is so important that you'd throw away your marriage over it?"
I looked up at him and stayed silent for a moment. It was all going to come out sooner or later, I thought. If he didn't find out from Marie he would some other way and then he'd just be pissed at me for not telling him, assuming he could swallow the fact that I liked guys. I had no idea what Embry's opinion on that was; I couldn't ever remember either of us mentioning the word 'gay', even in school. We had avoided mentioning Jared Cameron when he moved into the neighbourhood, mostly out of embarrassment that he was so obvious about what he was.
"It's not another girl," I said. "I'm..." I paused and cleared my throat. "I'm gay, Embry."
His mouth dropped open. "What the fuck, Jacob? Since when? What are you saying? You cheated on Leah with a...guy?" He spat the word out as if he didn't like the taste of it, grimacing slightly.
"I've known since I was a kid. You know what my Dad was like. Well, you don't about this. He found out when I was fifteen, gave me so much shit, telling me I was a disgusting freak of nature that I buried it and told myself it was just a phase or something. At the time I just wanted to be a normal kid and I didn't think 'normal' involved having thoughts about other boys."
"But...but...all that time...we used to hang out together every day; even have sleepovers and shit. I..."
"Don't worry, Embry, you weren't my type," I said stupidly.
"Don't fucking joke about this! I don't understand you! Ok, I am not like your Dad, Jake. I'm not anti-gay or anything like that. What I am is totally shocked that you'd hide something like that to the extent that you get married, have a kid, play happy families for ten years - ten years, Jacob - and it's all a lie! How the fuck do you think Leah is feeling right now?"
"I can only imagine," I whispered. "I was happy with her, you know. I loved her and Sarah; still do. I just...I haven't been true to myself and I thought I could carry on the way I had been - just the occasional casual thing - and it would all be alright. I know how wrong that was now."
"Why has this all come out now? I know Leah saw something on your phone..."
"Even if she hadn't I was going to tell her. I...um...I fell for someone."
"Who?"
"Just a guy; you don't know him, he's from Boston. I'm sorry, Embry."
"Don't fucking apologise to me, Jake, you should be apologising to your wife!" he snapped. "All this time and I never even knew! Why the hell didn't you confide in me when we were kids, huh? Maybe you wouldn't be where you are now!"
"Why? What would you have said? How easy do you think it would have been to tell you I was gay, when we were fifteen? You'd probably have told me to go to hell."
"No, I wouldn't. I'm your best friend; I would have stood by you and maybe we would have gone to college together, where anything your Dad said couldn't affect you. Who knows? It's too late now, isn't it?" He got to his feet suddenly.
"Too late?" I stood up too, anxiously. "You're gonna walk away from me too?"
"I have to get back to work, Jake, I'm on my lunch break. I meant it's too late because you managed to hurt a really special woman with all this and Sarah's going to suffer too in the long run. I'm not condemning you for liking guys, only for the way you've gone about it. I'm totally on Leah's side over this, and let's face it; Marie would give me hell if I wasn't..." He allowed a small smile. "But I'm not turning my back on you. I'll call you later in the week, see how things are going."
"Yeah, thanks, Embry," I said in relief.
He nodded and left, closing the door quietly behind him and I sat back down on the bed with a sigh. There weren't even coffee fixings in the room and I was going to have to go out sooner or later to at least get something to drink. I stripped off my clothes, dug shampoo and shower gel out of one of my bags and headed for the shower where I stood under the hot water with my eyes closed until it ran cold. Telling Embry had made me feel marginally better, I realised. If only I had confided in him when we were kids; I wouldn't have put Leah through everything she was going through right now; but at the same time we wouldn't have Sarah. My heart ached for my little girl and I longed to see her, but there was nothing I could do except wait for Leah to tell me when that would happen.
It was then that I remembered the text I'd received from Paul and I finished in the shower quickly, dried off and pulled my phone out from under the pillow. I hadn't even read the message and he'd probably spent the night thinking I'd changed my mind about him. He couldn't know Leah had been home waiting for me and I opened up the message now.
'Weekend was awesome. Call me when you can. X.' That was all and I almost called him right away, until I realised he would be at work and I had no idea what to say to him. I longed to hear his voice, but all I could think about right now was Leah and Sarah and I knew I wouldn't have much to say. Instead I typed out a response to his text.
'Leah was home when I got back. Told her everything. Staying in a motel. Talk soon.' It sounded cool and distant, I thought and I added an 'X' before I sent it. I was torn, dwelling so much on Leah and Sarah that I had to remind myself I loved Paul and that surprised me. The way things were going, I would end up hurting him as well if I wasn't careful and I'd finish up with no one.