CHAPTER TWELVE

My phone beeped again with another message and this time I opened it right away when I saw it was Paul. 'Are you ok?' That was all it said and I wasn't really sure how to answer. I certainly wasn't ok. Part of me wanted to hide away from everybody and bury my head in the sand; try to pretend none of this was happening, while the other half was longing for somebody to be there for me; longing for Paul.

'No, not really,' I typed slowly. 'I'll call you soon, just give me a few days.'

He didn't reply to that one, but I knew he was working and probably wanted to give me some space. I sat with the phone in my hand, thinking about everything that had happened over the past few weeks. I realised I honestly didn't know what I wanted any more. I was certain I loved Paul, but I didn't know if I could be with him; I didn't know if the guilt I felt over Leah would spoil things for us and I didn't want to inflict my confusion upon him and hurt him. I was also certain that it was over with Leah; she needed time to think, but in my heart I knew she wouldn't want me back and in mine, having come as far as this, to tell her who I really was, I knew I couldn't go back either. Even without Paul, I couldn't promise that I would change and having finally been honest with myself, I had accepted I could only be truly happy with a guy.

The hardest part in all of this was going to be Sarah and as I thought about her, my throat hurt and my eyes stung. How was she going to take all of this? Would she blame me? Hate me for leaving them? Would she ever understand? As if she knew she was on my mind, suddenly her picture flashed up on the screen of my phone as the special ringtone I set for her began to emanate from the device and I answered quickly, automatically.

"Hey, sweetheart." I almost choked on the words and I squeezed my eyes shut painfully.

"Hey, Daddy. What are you doing? Are you coming back with Mommy?"

"No, I can't, baby, I have to work."

"Oh." She sighed heavily. "Did Mommy leave yet?"

"I'm not sure, I'm not...home. She said she'd be coming back soon."

"Ok. Are you busy?"

"Not right now." I wondered what Leah had told her when she came home alone, but she clearly didn't know anything was wrong. "What are you doing?" I asked.

"Gramma's teaching me to bake. I made chocolate muffins so I'm waiting for them to cook."

Hearing her voice made me smile and ache at the same time and I wondered how long it would be before I could see her. Again I told myself that Leah wouldn't keep her from me, but how were we going to explain my absence from the apartment? I carried on talking to her until she announced that the timer was saying her muffins were ready and then I hung up reluctantly and stretched out on the bed, staring up at the ceiling and losing myself in my thoughts once again.

Hours passed and I didn't move until hunger finally drove me out of the motel to buy some groceries. I bought a few items for the next couple days and a prepared pasta salad to eat right away. I could make use of the gym's cafeteria when I went back to work the following day. The evening crawled by and I stared at the television, but didn't watch whatever was on the screen. I went over and over in my head what had happened, going back as far as me being fifteen and trying to remember how I had felt then; how my father had treated me; how I felt that first time with Jared. I wondered how things would have turned out if I'd done things differently. Perhaps Dad would have kicked me out the way Paul's father did with him. Maybe Embry's family would have helped me until we went away to college. I knew there was no point in thinking like that, but I couldn't help it and it all kept coming back to where I was now; waiting for Leah's decision on Sarah; trying to figure out how I felt and what I really wanted; hating myself for the pain I'd caused and was likely to go on causing for some time.

That night I slept, only from exhaustion, waking early and quickly getting ready to go to work. Having something to do made me feel better and I opened up and began switching on lights and equipment before anyone else arrived. Edward arrived ten minutes later, quickly followed by the rest of the staff and I greeted them briefly and headed for my office. Edward caught up with me at the door and stepped in, closing it behind him.

"Are you ok, Jake? You look like hell."

"Thanks, Edward."

"Sorry, but you look like you haven't slept and you...sorry...um...never come to work without shaving."

I groaned and sat down behind my desk, then frowned at him suddenly.

"I thought you were taking today off?"

"I am, I wanted to be here to open up in case...anything happened and you were late."

"I would have called."

"Well, since I'm here...did something happen? Didn't things go well with Paul?"

"No. I mean, yeah, they did, it's not that. I talked to Leah."

"Shit. Do you mind talking about this, or shall I butt out and leave you alone?"

"Sit down, Edward," I sighed. "I could use someone to talk to if you don't mind."

I told him more or less everything, leaving out the minor details and I felt relief to have him on my side. He had given me some good advice previously and I knew he understood, better than Embry. Even if Em hadn't been married to Leah's best friend, he was never going to understand my struggle with myself; and so I poured it all out while he listened and nodded sympathetically or put in comments here and there.

"What are you going to do about Paul?" he asked eventually. "You said you love him."

"Yeah, but I can't be with him right now. I want to be, but it's not fair to him when I'm going to be moping over Leah and Sarah. Everything's just up in the air until they come back and Leah decides what to do."

"So you should talk to him; I'm sure he'd rather you be honest with him than him not know what's going on."

"I know." Paul was probably in a similar position to me right now, I thought; waiting for me to get in touch and let him know what was happening; whether he was still part of things or not.

"Do you want me to hang around here?" Edward offered then.

"No, take your day off, I'm fine."

"Ok. Before I do...I know this is probably lousy timing, but it's about the assistant manager's job..."

"Go on. I need something else to think about," I prompted quickly.

"Well, I don't know if this would be really awkward, because of...you knowing Emmett...but he asked if you'd mind him applying for the job."

My eyebrows rose. It was unexpected and Edward immediately spoke again before I could open my mouth.

"It's ok...don't worry about it, it was a stupid idea." His face turned red and he tugged a hand through his hair.

"It's not, I just...I thought Emmett was a trainer at Global."

"He was; is. They're cutting staff and it's last in first out. There aren't any other positions going in the city right now."

"Does he knew you're asking?"

"Yeah. He brought up that he knew you and I said I knew, you told me. He said the same thing you did; that it was nothing."

"Wouldn't he prefer to be a trainer rather than management?"

"Yes, but like I said, there aren't any other options right now. He just rented a new apartment and he'll lose it if he can't get another decent job."

"What about you two working together?" I mused. "It might be all sweetness now, but what if you fight or something? I don't need drama here; I've enough of it away from work."

"I can be professional; so can he."

"Edward, what if a situation arose where you couldn't get along? You're my manager and he'd be assisting you. Could you really leave your personal stuff at the door when you came in?"

"It's no, isn't it?" he said. "It's ok, I just thought I'd ask."

I stared at him thoughtfully. I hadn't discussed it with him so far as it had only been a casual thought up to now, but I had considered that we could use another personal trainer. Those we had were often forced to arrange appointments with the clients who wanted to make use of them, simply because there was too high a demand for them from people coming in for their workouts and asking if someone was free. If Emmett was a trainer, it would at least lessen the likelihood of problems because he wouldn't be working directly with Edward - they would both have to answer to me.

"Ask him to come in and see me," I said.

"Really?" His face lit up eagerly.

"I'm not having him as an assistant manager, but we could use an extra trainer. I'm not making any promises, but I'll talk to him."

"Awesome! I'll call him later."

"Good. Now get out of here, Edward, and do whatever you do on your days off."

When he was gone, I turned my attention to the pile of paperwork on my desk - applications for the assistant manager's job, I realised. I was relieved that I had something to take my mind off of my situation and I began to pore over the letters, writing some off immediately and placing others in a second pile to revisit and consider offering interviews. By the middle of the day I had sent out a bunch of emails offering appointments for the most suitable applicants to come in and see me and although Leah and Sarah and Paul were constantly on my mind, at least I wasn't sitting wallowing in self-pity and guilt.

By the time I left late that evening, I had made up my mind to speak to Paul, even though I had said in my text that I needed a few days. I didn't want to keep him hanging on waiting for me and I longed to hear his voice. I went back to the motel and pulled out my phone, searching for his name in my contacts and then pausing with my thumb hovering over the 'call' button, trying to figure out exactly what I was going to say. I wanted to be honest, but I wasn't totally sure how I felt and I didn't want to add to the anxiety he was surely feeling. Before I left Boston he had said he felt the same as I did and now that thought made my pulse quicken and I pushed everything else aside and called him.

"Hey, Jacob," he answered a moment later.

"Hey. I'm sorry I didn't call before. I didn't really know what to say."

"I figured. You said in your text you needed a few days. I didn't expect to hear from you yet."

"I wanted to hear your voice," I blurted.

"What's happening there?" he asked.

"Well...Leah knows everything...about you."

"You told her?"

"She guessed some of it. I don't want to go into the details. It was pretty shit, that's all."

"You think you two will...work it out?"

"No. I needed to be honest with myself as well as her. Even if I hadn't met you."

"I never wanted this, you know?" Paul sighed. "To be the cause of anything."

"You're not. Maybe it just came out sooner than it might have otherwise, but I couldn't go on the way I was. I'm gay and I was never going to be truly happy living a lie like that. I just...I don't know what's happening right now, with my daughter; whether Leah will even let me see her."

"Fuck," Paul muttered. "I'm sorry. Look, I know you have things to deal with; maybe we should leave this - us - alone for a while."

"Is that what you want?" My heart plummeted.

"It doesn't matter what I want. It's not going to work while you're worrying about what's gonna happen with your kid and living out of a motel."

I sighed heavily. "I was thinking along the same lines, I guess. I don't want to inflict all of this shit on you. I want to see you, but I know I'd be lousy company right now."

"Then just call me in a week or two; whatever. I'm gonna be busy for a while anyway. Andrew's sending me to Chicago for a few days next week, so..."

"Why don't you call me when you get back?" I suggested at once. By then, I was sure I would have at least sorted some things out and perhaps knowing where I stood as regards Sarah and having gotten over the initial shock and pain of having ten years of marriage come to an end, I would feel better about being with him.

"Ok. I'll talk to you soon. I hope everything works out."

"Yeah, me too."

'I love you.' Again I didn't say it. One day I would, but again, it wasn't the right time now.

I didn't hear anything from him for the rest of the week and as much as I longed to call him, I didn't. We had agreed that he would call me when he came back from Chicago and so I left it at that, although as more time went by I began to long for him as much as I had such a short time ago when we had been snatching just a few shared hours together.

I talked to Sarah every day although Leah made a number of excuses to her as to why she wouldn't talk to me herself. She clearly still hadn't yet explained to Sarah what had happened and I guessed she must be waiting to get home so that she could do it without her parents' interference. Sarah told me they would be coming home Saturday afternoon so that she would have a day at home to sort out her things ready to go back to school Monday.

I spent Thursday and Friday interviewing potential candidates for the assistant manager's job and by the time I had seen the twenty men and women I'd invited to attend, I had short-listed three whom I planned to call back for a second interview to meet with Edward. Although the chosen person would answer to me, they would work more with him and I wanted to make sure they got along. I finally called Emmett Friday afternoon after I obtained his number from Edward. He didn't answer and I left a message, but an hour later he called me back.

"Hey, Jacob, it's Emmett McCarty," he said when I picked up. "You left me a message?"

"Yeah. Edward mentioned you were looking for a job."

"Yes, Global are getting rid of a few people. I didn't really think you'd consider me, to be honest."

"There's no reason not to." I cleared my throat awkwardly. "We had one night a long time ago. You're with Edward and from the look of him, it seems to be going well..."

"Yeah." Emmett laughed shortly. "I was always looking for something more...long term."

"Good, then there's no problem. I don't know if Edward discussed it with you, but I suggested taking on another trainer rather than having you apply for the assistant manager's job. You and he working together in that capacity...I wouldn't want there to be a chance of any difficulties in the future."

"Edward did mention it. I'd actually much prefer to work as a trainer. I appreciate you considering me."

"Why don't you come in and see me?" I suggested.

"Now?"

"Sure."

"Thanks, Jacob. I'll be there in about thirty minutes," he agreed at once.

I ended the call and a few seconds later my door opened and Edward's head appeared in the gap. "You talked to Emmett?"

"Eavesdropping?" I teased.

"No, just hoping." His cheeks dimpled and coloured slightly.

"He's gonna be here in about thirty minutes to see me. When we're done, you can finish up if you want and go with him."

"Awesome! So...things weren't awkward at all?"

"No, we discussed the elephant in the room first off," I said with a small grin. "I'm sure I could work with him."

The meeting with Emmett went well enough. I showed him around and discussed what he did at Global. I was curious as to why such a big operation was cutting staff, but I didn't ask at that point. They were my biggest competitor and if they were struggling in some way, it would only be to my benefit.

"When do you leave?" I asked him now.

"End of next week. They gave me a month's notice."

"Well, I'm happy to offer you a job as trainer," I said. "It'll be on a three-month trial to start and the salary will be fifty-five. I'm guessing that's probably a bit less than Global pay?"

"Not very much," Emmett grinned. "Thanks, I appreciate this. When do you want me to start?"

"Come in at eight a week from Monday and we'll figure out a roster with the other trainers."

The big man grinned from ear to ear and shook my hand vigorously. Edward appeared then, ready to leave, and I watched in amusement as they gazed at each other and laced fingers together before walking out side by side, Edward repeatedly glancing at Emmett with an adoring look on his face. They were obviously happy together and I found myself hoping it would last.

The last few hours before I closed up for the night were quiet. Only a few determined fitness enthusiasts continued working out and by the time I was ready to lock up, I noticed Embry hanging around in the foyer waiting for me.

"Thought we'd have a few beers," he said when I joined him. "If you want."

"Yeah." The thought of returning to my lonely motel room right away wasn't appealing. I longed for some form of company although I wasn't sure how sociable I would be. I supposed I could have been in the apartment that week while it was empty, but I knew Leah didn't want me there and at the same time, I didn't want to be surrounded by everything from our life together. I'd been back once to collect a few things I needed, but otherwise remained in the motel.

"How are you?" Embry asked as we headed into a bar we had been to many times.

"How do you think?" I sighed heavily and went to find a seat while he collected drinks from the bar and then joined me with two bottles each.

"Have you talked to Leah at all?"

"No. I guess I will when she comes home."

"She's called Marie once or twice that I know of," Embry said. "It sounds like she doesn't really know what she wants to do yet."

"It must be hard for her. She found out about all this in the worst possible way. She said to me that if it was another girl, she could have handled it, even if it meant kicking the shit out of her..."

"Huh, that sounds like Leah," Embry grinned.

"She doesn't understand what happened though. I guess it must be hard to accept me...being like this."

"Jake, it knocked me for six, I admit. I never had a clue. What I don't get is how you could spend all those years with Leah and seem happy, if you're gay."

"I convinced myself I was bi. I did love her and want her...hell, I still love her," I sighed. "It's hard to explain. I didn't want to be what my Dad told me was so wrong so I kept talking myself out of it until it...got too much."

"How many times?" he asked.

"Four before I met Paul."

Embry frowned over the top of his beer bottle.

"Em, you don't have to look like that. I'm a complete shit, I know that. I hate myself for how I've behaved. I wish to God I'd just been honest from the beginning and none of us would be here right now."

I did my best to explain to him how I'd struggled and he said he understood, but his disapproval of the way I'd gone about things was obvious and eventually I changed the subject. We talked about baseball and work and the fact that he and Marie had decided to try for a baby and the few hours I spent with him took my mind off the impending return of Leah the following day, when I both dreaded and anticipated speaking to her again. I expected things to be beyond difficult, but I was eager to hear that I could see Sarah; hoped that I might even be able to spend time with her the next day.

I finally went back to the motel just after midnight and again I barely slept. By the time I got up again at seven, I both felt and looked like hell. I took a cold shower, followed by a long hot one, shaved and put on one of the few clean shirts I had left in the room. I had neglected to find a laundromat that week and a large pile of dirty laundry resided in the corner of the room. I was going to have to attend to it over the weekend or I'd have no shirts, socks or underwear to put on by Monday.

I went out then and collected a stuffed bagel and a large strong coffee from a nearby diner and then returned to the room. All I could do was wait and I switched on the TV and flicked absently through the channels while I hoped and prayed that Leah wouldn't keep Sarah from me and that our conversation wouldn't be too difficult. It couldn't be any worse than the last one, however, and I continued to wait, repeatedly glancing at my phone as the hours passed.

I went out again around midday to get my laundry done, spending ninety minutes sitting watching the clothes spinning around in first the washing machine and then the drier. I picked up a sandwich and another drink on the short walk back to the motel and then again I sat and waited and repeatedly checked the time. Three o'clock came and then four and then five. My phone jingled with Sarah's ringtone and I snatched it up, my heart racing.

"Hey, baby, are you home yet?"

"Yes." I heard a loud sniff and then a muffled sob and I cursed silently. Leah must have told her.

"Sarah?"

"Mommy said you're not going to live with us any more."

"What did she say exactly?" I scowled and clenched my fist. I knew Leah was hurt and furious, but I thought she would at least have sent me a text to tell me what was happening rather than let Sarah give me the news.

"She said...you and her don't want to live together any more...but that you still love me."

"Well, that's true," I said in relief. "Did she say anything else?"

"Not very much. She just looks really sad."

"Sarah, let me have the phone a minute, honey," I heard Leah's voice say and my racing heart stuttered, my mouth turning dry as I waited for her to speak to me. I heard rustling and fumbling as the phone was passed from one to the other.

"Leah?"

"Jacob. Sarah wants to see you; perhaps you could come pick her up and take her for dinner or something. I want her back by eight for bedtime; then we'll talk."

"No problem," I said at once and with huge relief. "I'll be there in fifteen minutes. Thank you, Leah."

She didn't answer and a second later I heard a click as she ended the call. I leapt to my feet and shoved the phone into my pocket, grabbed my wallet and the key to the room and pushed my feet into a pair of shoes. I was so delighted at the prospect of spending a few hours with Sarah, that for the moment the conversation with Leah that would follow didn't worry me. She wasn't going to keep me from seeing my daughter and that was the best thing I could have hoped for. I raced out of the room, slammed the door and began to jog to the apartment, a smile on my face that had been missing for the past week.