CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Panic filled me as I listened to Leah telling me that Sarah had fallen from some kind of monkey frame at school during the lunch break. She had broken her leg - a nasty compound fracture - and they were already at the hospital. Leah was waiting in a small family room while Sarah went to surgery. I hung up feeling a little sick and jumped up from the table.
"What happened?" Paul got to his feet as well.
"Sarah broke her leg; she's in surgery. I'm so sorry; I have to go to the hospital."
"Of course you do. I hope she's ok."
"Yeah." I didn't miss the look of disappointment in his eyes and my own heart sank as I imagined this brief lunch together could be all the time we would get. It wasn't fair on him; I wasn't being fair by expecting him to wait for snatched moments with me whenever I could fit him in, but I couldn't really think about it properly at that point.
"Go; it doesn't matter. Just call me or something," he said.
"Are you staying?"
"I'm booked in until Sunday evening. Let me know how things are."
"Yeah. Thanks. Um...sorry." I fled the hotel, my heart in my mouth and raced for the closest subway. My little girl was hurt and I had to get to her as fast as possible. That was the only thought in my mind as I stood impatiently by the doors on the train, ignoring the number of empty seats in the carriage and watching the stations pass slowly until at last I was as near to the Presbyterian Hospital as I could get. In another minute I was at street level, running towards the entrance, dodging around people until I was forced to slow down and walk as I entered the building and presented myself at the front desk.
"Sarah Black, came in with a broken leg, I'm her father," I panted and much to my relief was immediately directed along a corridor and to a room off to one side where I found Leah. Her eyes were red and swollen from crying, lips trembling as she sat waiting with clenched fists.
"Leah!" I sat down next to her and automatically wrapped both arms around her. She sagged against me with a groan.
"Oh, Jake, you should have seen her. I got to the school before the ambulance did; it was held up. There was a motorcycle paramedic there, but he was only able to hook a drip up and give her some pain relief, which wasn't much. It's her left shin bone. She lost an awful lot of blood." She began to sob and I rested my chin on the top of her head, grinding my teeth and praying that Sarah would be alright; that the operation would be successful.
"What about the gym?" Leah sniffed after a moment, her face still buried in my neck.
"Never mind the gym; Edward and Emmett are taking care of things." I didn't think it wise to tell her right now that I'd taken the afternoon off to see Paul; I wanted to comfort her, not upset her more.
"Emmett?" she queried.
"Edward's partner; I hired him as a new trainer. Seems a decent guy."
"I always thought Edward was gay." She drew away from me and sat up straight again, wiping her eyes on a much-used cotton handkerchief she had clutched in one hand. "Obviously he wasn't so good at hiding it."
"Leah..."
"Sorry. I don't even want to think about that at the moment."
"Then don't. I'm here for you and Sarah; nothing else matters."
She nodded and hung her head. "I wish I knew what was happening. They said it could be a few hours. What if something goes wrong? I couldn't bear it!"
"Hey." I reached out and grasped her hand in mine, squeezing it firmly. "She's a tough cookie and I'm sure she's in good hands." I did my best to sound positive, but inside I was terrified, thinking of all the worst case scenarios; she might not come around from the anaesthetic; they might have to amputate; infection could set in. We could lose her and I had walked away from both her and Leah like the selfish jerk I was. Sarah might have spent the last couple of weeks of her life miserable because her Daddy wasn't home.
"Jake, you're crying," Leah murmured.
I sniffed hard. "Sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I wish things were different; that I could be different."
"I know."
We didn't talk any more for some time. I kept looking up at the clock on the wall and noticing that another ten minutes had passed by and then another. Gradually the afternoon slipped away and finally at five o'clock the door opened and a doctor dressed in scrubs came in to talk to us. We leapt to our feet as one, still holding hands.
"Mr and Mrs Black..."
"How is she?" I demanded.
"The surgery was a complete success. There was a small complication in theatre, but nothing to worry about. We've inserted screws into the leg bone to ensure it heals straight and those will stay in, possibly permanently. For the moment, until the wound heals, we can't apply a cast, so your daughter will have to stay here for up to two or three weeks. Once we can get her in plaster, she'll be safe to go home."
"Oh, God," I groaned.
"Is she awake?" Leah asked.
"Not yet, but we're expecting her to regain consciousness very soon. You can sit with her if you want to; she'll feel better seeing you there when she opens her eyes. If you'd like to follow me..."
We immediately followed the surgeon and after a moment we were introduced to a nurse, also named Sarah, who took us to the private room our daughter had been allocated. A second nurse was in the room monitoring her and I took in the drip suspended above the bed, the cage beneath the sheets keeping the weight of them off of Sarah's leg, the heart monitor beeping away steadily. Leah sank into the chair beside the bed at once and grasped Sarah's hand in both of hers and I hovered next to her. Our little girl looked so lost and tiny in the hospital bed, her face pale and eyelids dark, her hair hidden beneath a blue hospital cap.
"She looks so small and fragile," Leah whispered as if she'd read my mind.
"I know. I can't believe this happened to her. She's always so careful."
"Her teacher said she was right up on the top of that frame contraption. They told her to get down and she started to do that, but slipped. It was only about four or five feet, but she must have fallen awkwardly."
"They need to get rid of that thing," I grunted. "It's a wonder there aren't more accidents; it must be as old as we are."
"I'm sure they will get rid of it now. Or they will when we get a lawyer onto it. Oh!"
"What?"
"Her hand moved; I think she's waking up." Leah leaned closer to Sarah, watching her face eagerly and I did the same. She let out a small moan and her eyelids fluttered, then rose slowly.
"Mommy? Daddy!" Her voice was faint and weak, but a small smile touched her lips.
"We're here, sweetheart," Leah said.
"I fell." Her eyes closed again. "I'm sleepy."
"We'll be here when you wake up," I assured her.
"She'll probably sleep for a few hours," the nurse told us. "You can stay here as long as you want to."
"Thanks," Leah answered. "Will she be in pain when she wakes up?"
"Yes, unfortunately, but we can give her something. One of us will be in and out every so often, but if you need us to come, just press that buzzer there." She indicated a red button above the bed and then slipped out of the room. I went around the other side of the bed to grab the spare chair from the corner, carrying it back to place beside Leah's. It was only then that I thought about Paul again and felt a pang of guilt, both over having him come to New York to see me and then abandoning him, and for thinking about him while my daughter lay in hospital after surgery. I would have to at least text Paul, but there was no question of me seeing him again that day.
"Leah, would you like coffee or something?" I asked.
"Yes, thanks." She nodded without looking up and I left the room and went to find a vending machine, taking the opportunity to text Paul.
'So sorry I had to leave. My daughter has a real nasty leg break. Think she'll be ok, but I need to stay here.'
'No problem. Let me know how it goes.' His answer came while I was waiting for the second cup of coffee to fill and then I switched the phone to silent mode and returned to Leah. It was going to be a long evening and night.
For the first hour or so, we sat in silence, sipping the bitter coffee and dwelling on our own thoughts. Eventually Leah spoke, her voice startling me out of my painful realisation that Sarah was going to need both of us a lot more for several weeks, possibly months and that it wasn't fair of me to expect Paul to keep on waiting indefinitely for me to sort things out. Sarah would automatically come first in my life and at the moment, I needed to be there for Leah too. I would have to talk to him; tell him I couldn't be with him.
"Did you find an assistant manager for the gym yet?"
"Uh...yes, a guy named Collin Littlesea." I told her about his background and the interview process, adding that he would be starting work in two weeks' time. "It'll give me more free time to be with Sarah. Obviously it's going to be some time before she's on her feet again. I mean, if you don't mind me being around..."
"I don't mind," she said quietly. "Sarah's gonna need you. I've started working..."
"You have a job?" I interrupted.
"No, I mean I'm studying. I signed up for an online accounts course. I figured if I could get some sort of qualification I could keep books for a few small businesses, make some money. The course takes two years, but if I put the hours in I could in theory complete it in one. When Sarah goes to highschool next year I won't need to be around so much."
"You know you don't have to work."
"Jake, we're going to be leading separate lives. Of course I want you to support Sarah and I appreciate you continuing to keep us in the apartment, but I always wanted to do something when she got a bit older. Now seems a good time to begin."
"Ok, well, good luck. I'm sure you won't need it; you nailed everything at school without even trying."
"That was ten years ago, Jacob."
"You telling me your brain rotted away with lack of use?" I teased.
"No." Her lips twitched slightly. "It'll just take some getting used to, being a student again."
"Well, anything you want me to do - be with Sarah so you can work, take her places, whatever, just let me know," I said. "Like I said, with Collin on board I won't need to be at the gym half as much if I'm needed elsewhere."
"Thank you. What about...Paul?"
I let out a heavy sigh before I could stop myself. "It's not the right time."
"I thought he was important to you."
"Sarah's more important; so are you right now."
"You don't have to do that. As much as I might hate the situation; the way you did things and the way it all came out, I don't want you to be miserable."
"I won't be. Don't worry about me, ok? You should be kicking me in the balls over it."
"I have been doing in my head, but really, what's the point? I've started to accept what happened. I don't hate you, Jacob, only what you did and like you said, Sarah's more important. I don't want hostility between us, especially now when she needs us. It'll only upset her more. She's hurt enough that you moved out."
I grimaced and leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands. "I know. I know I fucked everything up."
Leah fell silent again and it was some time before we spoke again, then keeping away from the subject of my transgressions and instead talking about Sarah, Leah's course, my prospective new home above the gym and so on. Hours passed and Leah went to stretch her legs and fetch sandwiches from the cafeteria which we both nibbled at without enthusiasm while we waited for Sarah to wake. It was later that night before she opened her eyes again. Leah had fallen asleep in her chair and I was reading a newspaper, glancing up every few minutes and taking a look at Sarah. Then suddenly her eyes fluttered open again and she licked her lips.
"Daddy, I'm thirsty."
It took me a moment to find a nurse and ask if Sarah could have some water and by the time I had poured a small amount into a paper cup for her, the pain had kicked in and she was crying too much to drink. Leah was gripping Sarah's hand, silently crying along with her while some pain medication was administered, mercifully working quickly. She was still drowsy, but awake enough to speak to us for a few minutes.
"When can I come home?" she asked.
"Not for a while, honey, we need to give your leg some time to heal. Then the doctor's going to put a plaster cast on it for you."
"Cool! When can I go back to school?"
"Not right away. We might have to get work sent home for you for a few weeks," Leah answered again.
"Will you come see me, Daddy?" She turned sorrowful brown eyes on me and bit her lip.
"All the time, I promise. You know Edward at the gym? Crazy-haired Edward?"
"Yes?"
"I got him an assistant to work with him, so I can have more time off."
"Daddy can help you with your schoolwork while I do my studying," Leah said, giving me a slight smile.
"See? I'll be there all the time until you're on your feet again."
"Good. I'm tired again now." She went out like a light before either of us had chance to respond and I leaned back in the chair with a sigh.
"You sure that's ok? Me being at the apartment?"
"Yes, it'll be fine. She needs you and I do have to work."
"Thanks." I relaxed a little, but at the same time I still felt horrible about Paul. My heart ached when I thought about talking to him the next morning, when I planned to go to his hotel. It was just the wrong time for us and I'd been far too selfish up to now with other people's feelings without adding to it by keeping him hanging on. It was bad enough that I'd made promises to him that I would be free to be with him and let him hope that we might have a future.
The night crawled by with both Leah and me refusing to leave Sarah's bedside except for brief trips to the rest rooms and for refreshments. We both napped in our chairs and woke with stiff necks as daylight seeped in through the blind hanging across the small window. A nurse was removing Sarah's drip and promising her that she could have eggs and toast for breakfast in another hour or so.
I yawned and stretched, smoothing down my rumpled shirt and grimacing at the sour taste in my mouth and my empty stomach.
"Hey, sweetheart, how are you feeling?" I asked Sarah and immediately Leah opened her eyes too and straightened up.
"I'm ok. Did you sleep in those chairs?"
"Yes, a bit." I stretched again and groaned.
"You should have gone to bed."
"Yeah, I guess I should. Leah, do you want to go home and get a shower and a change of clothes or anything?"
She decided this would be a good idea and I stayed at the hospital while she went home and returned in a different outfit and with some nightdresses for Sarah, along with the stuffed animal I had bought her, a book to read and some comics.
"I guess I better go and freshen up," I said. "Did you eat, Leah?"
"I just grabbed some fruit."
"I'll bring some lunch back for us all," I promised. When I left, I headed straight back to the motel, took a quick shower and put on some clean clothes and then made my way to Paul's hotel, my stomach churning with the thought of what I was going to say to him. What I really wanted to do was throw myself into his arms and tell him, finally, that I loved him, but I was going to do the exact opposite.
I didn't text in advance, unsure of what to say, and instead asked the concierge to call Paul's room and let him know I was there. A moment later I was given the room number and advised to go up. The room was on the same floor at the one he'd stayed in previously and when I knocked, he opened the door immediately as if he'd been standing on the other side of it.
"Hey, how's your daughter?" he asked, stepping back to let me in.
"She's gonna be ok. She has pins in her leg and they can't put a cast on it until the wound heals, but, you know..." I just shrugged, feeling completely dejected.
"That's good," Paul said. "How are you? Been up all night?"
"Yeah. I'm ok. Look...Paul..." I paused and cleared my throat. "I hardly know what to say right now. I'm a mess and I don't know that I can give you what you want...what I wanted..."
Paul took a deep breath and pushed his hands into his pockets, avoiding my eyes. "I knew this would happen."
"I'm so sorry," I groaned. "I want you...so much...I just...I can't do this; not right now."
"Yeah, I know." He gritted his teeth and turned away from me, walking slowly to the other side of the room before he faced me again. "Like I said, I knew it was heading this way. I should have listened to my head after that first time. I told myself getting involved with a married guy was a mistake; I just couldn't seem to help myself. I think we need to walk away from each other and put it down to bad timing."
"God." I swallowed the lump in my throat with difficulty. I was used to feeling self-hatred for all the times I'd cheated on Leah and for hurting her and causing Sarah pain, but now I felt it even more keenly. Paul and me hadn't stood a chance and it was all down to my actions; the way I'd gone about everything, thinking only of myself mostly. Now the one person I desperately wanted was lost to me and again, I had only myself to blame. "I'm sorry, Paul," I whispered.
"I know," he repeated. "You better go."
I stood there for a few more seconds, trying to think of something to say that would improve things, but nothing would. Then I opened the door and slipped out, closing it quietly behind me. I leaned on the wall in the corridor as my tears spilled over, tracking down my face silently as I determinedly stifled any sound. A moment later a loud bang on the door two feet from my head startled me and I almost choked, trying to hold my breath.
"Fuck!" Paul's snarl was barely muffled by the closed door and another bang followed as if he was punching the door. I felt sick with myself, a feeling that had been very familiar over the past few weeks. I had caused pain to the three people who meant the most to me and there was nothing I could do to make them feel better, with the exception of Sarah who only wanted to see me as much as possible; that was at least something I could do right.
Slowly I walked away, wiping my face on my shirt sleeves, although fresh tears continued to leak from my eyes, even after I left the hotel and went looking for a diner to collect lunches before I went back to the hospital. Eventually I ducked into an alley until I could get control of myself, taking deep breaths until I imagined I was at least reasonably fit to be seen. Then all I could do was try not to think about Paul and to concentrate on Sarah and Leah instead, making sure that I did everything I could to help them and to ignore my own pain.
I went into the diner and had them make up some fresh sandwiches with an assortment of breads and fillings and to pack up several slices of different types of cakes. I added bottles of fresh squeezed juice and milkshakes and left with a paper sack of food sufficient to keep us going all day.
By the time I returned to the hospital, Leah was strolling up and down the corridor outside Sarah's room and she told me the nurses were changing the dressing on Sarah's leg and giving her a freshen up, so we waited together until we were told we could go back in to our daughter. Sarah was now wearing one of her own pink nightgowns, her hair neatly brushed and tied back with a ribbon. She still looked pale, deep shadows under her eyes, but her face immediately lit up when we both sat down next to her bed. Leah took the sack of food from me and checked through the sandwiches, telling Sarah what I had brought so she could choose her favourite.
I leaned back in the chair and watched the two of them, Sarah consulting with her stuffed tiger as to whether they preferred ham or cheese and despite my own misery, I felt my lips stretching into a smile. This was my life, at least for now and as much as it might hurt to have given up what I wanted so badly, I did want to be here. I still cared for Leah and just as she did, I adored Sarah. I could be there for them and while doing so, I knew it would help me too.
"Daddy, which sandwich are you having?" Sarah asked then.
"I don't know, Mommy can pick first." A moment later I was handed the chicken while Leah took the ham. She would still give me my favourite choice, even though she preferred chicken herself.
"Thank you," I murmured. Things wouldn't be too bad, I told myself. As long as my girls were alright, I would put aside what I wanted once again and hope that one day the life I hoped for would still be waiting for me, although it wouldn't be with the one man who had captured my heart.