CHAPTER FIFTEEN
I spent all day at the hospital, putting on a happy mask and reading to Sarah, chatting to Leah when she slept, fetching more food in the evening so that no one would have to eat the rather unpalatable offerings the hospital provided. I struggled to keep the smile on my face as Paul constantly filled my mind. He was hurt and pissed and my heart ached as I wondered if he had packed up and returned to Boston by now. There was no reason for him to stay after I told him we couldn't be together.
I finally went back to the motel to get some sleep around eight o'clock, exhausted from the brief naps I had caught in the chair the previous night. A small fold-out bed in Sarah's room was provided for Leah so that she could stay and I promised to come over the following day as soon as I could, although I would need to be at the gym for some hours as I had agreed to Edward and Emmett both taking the day off.
I fell into bed and closed my eyes, expecting sleep to come quickly, but it determinedly eluded me. I lay there going over and over my last brief meeting with Paul in my head; remembering the hurt look on his face when I said it was over; hearing him curse and punch the door while I stood outside, longing to go back in and throw myself into his arms. Walking away from him had been one of the hardest things I'd ever done and I wondered if it had been the right decision for either of us. As much as I wanted the answer to be no, I knew that at least for now, it was right. I didn't know when I would have any time for him and as I'd initially thought, it wouldn't be fair to keep him hanging on for me, knowing that I was spending all of my free time with Sarah and Leah, wondering whether I would still want him or if I would fix things with her. I knew that must have been going through his head.
Thinking about myself, as much as I wanted him so badly that I felt as if a gaping hole had opened up in my chest now that he was gone, I knew it wasn't the right time for me either. I hadn't expected anything to develop from that one night in Boston when I met him in Quentin's; I had thought it would be the same as the other times, just one night of pleasure and then putting it all behind me. I wasn't ready for a relationship when my marriage had only just broken up; when I was still filled with guilt over what I'd done to Leah and Sarah. Even if Sarah hadn't broken her leg and needed me more, I would still have been torn and I still wouldn't have been able to give Paul as much as I wanted to. I needed to sort my life out; get moved into my new home, get Sarah on her feet and do the best I could to move forward at least civilly with Leah before I would feel free to give my heart to somebody else.
I groaned and rolled over, pressing my face into the pillow as my eyes stung with tears again. I had cried more just lately than I had in the whole of my adult life and I felt ridiculous, lying there alone in a motel room weeping like a child over everything I'd fucked up on. I just had to get it together and move on.
Somehow I must have fallen asleep eventually and I woke with a pounding head and rumbling stomach. I showered quickly, swallowed some aspirin and headed for the gym, deciding to grab breakfast from the cafeteria as soon as it opened. I was actually glad to have work to focus on, although despite being reasonably busy all day, I still continued to dwell on my situation and wonder if there was any way I could have done things differently from the beginning, even though there was no point - I couldn't go back and start again.
It was Monday before I had the opportunity to talk to Edward. I hadn't wanted to bother him on his day off, knowing he would have insisted on coming into work and missing out on his day with Emmett, but as soon as he arrived I called him into my office to let him know what had been happening. He was horrified to hear about Sarah's accident and immediately asked whether he would be welcome at the hospital to visit.
"Of course you must come," I said at once. "Sarah would love to see you."
"Any time you need to be there, don't worry about the gym," he went on. "I can hold the fort as long as you need. It's only a couple of weeks and Collin will be here as well anyway."
"I don't want to just dump everything on you," I sighed.
"Your daughter's in the hospital; go right ahead and dump anything on me that you want."
"Thanks, Edward."
"So, are you going to tell me what happened with Paul?" he asked then.
"God, don't ask," I groaned. "Leah called just after we finished lunch."
"Was he pissed?"
"No, he was understanding." I rubbed my hands over my face and dragged one through my hair. "I went to see him briefly the next day and ended it. I'm not seeing him again."
"Why the hell not?" Edward gasped. "I thought you were crazy about him?"
"Yeah, well, I can't do it right now. It was never supposed to be more than a bit of fun and when it became more I thought...I don't know, I guess I imagined us having a happy ever after or some shit, but how can we, huh? I fucked everything up completely. I can't give him anything except for a few snatched meetings here and there. Even if Sarah hadn't been hurt like that, I don't think I'm ready for it. I just threw away ten years of marriage and yes, maybe I shouldn't have been married in the first place, but diving from one situation right into another is just not gonna work out for anybody. If I can't give him one hundred percent, then it's not fair on him."
"Are you really sure you're doing the right thing?"
"For once, yeah, I think I am. I can't see any other way to do it, as much as it kills me to let him go. I couldn't ask him to just wait around indefinitely while I get over everything."
"Shit, Jacob," Edward sighed. "I'm sorry."
"I'll get over it," I muttered dejectedly.
Over the next two weeks I fell into some kind of routine although a lot of the time it did feel as if I was just going through the motions with everything. I continued living in the motel while the kitchen fitters and plumbers finished working on my new apartment and furniture was delivered. I would go to the gym for a couple hours and then later head over to the hospital to spend a good portion of the day with Sarah so that Leah could study. She would go home to do this and I got more one on one time with my little girl than I'd ever had before. It was the only time when I did feel reasonably happy, helping Sarah with school work that one of her teachers had brought in, reading to her, playing games with her. I had bought her a handheld gaming machine with a number of different games on it and we would take turns, me making sure than she won more than half of the time although after a few days, she could beat me hands down anyway.
On one occasion she had questioned whether I would be coming home when she was able to leave the hospital, but although I was spending such a lot of my time with her and when Leah was there too, we got along well enough, managing to have achieved a kind of cool friendship, I didn't want to build up Sarah's hopes and then dash them when things didn't go back to the way they had been. I reminded her that Leah and I had agreed to part company and although we cared for each other, we wouldn't be living together any more. I repeatedly reminded her that I would be there for her any time she needed me, regardless of where I was physically and she did seem to accept it somewhat reluctantly, although when I told her about my new home which was now ready for me to move in, she was eager to see it and asked if she could stay overnight sometimes.
That weekend I used my day off to move my belongings from the motel to the new apartment, helped by Emmett while Edward looked after the gym on his own. We were done in a couple hours, however, and Emmett went back to work while I arranged everything to my liking. The living space was huge, as was the bedroom, both having decent views from the windows. I had gone for a minimalist look, not liking clutter, although I had placed several framed photographs of Sarah on a shelf where I could see them from the large leather sofa and an old stuffed teddy bear with a bow-tie sat on a chair beside my bed at Sarah's insistence. She wanted me to have the much-loved bear to keep me company.
Saturday night was my first night in my new bed in my new home and I slept well, mainly from exhaustion. I hadn't slept properly in two weeks, my lonely nights being the times when my head would be filled with Paul. I continued to long for him, even though I knew it wasn't going to happen. By now I had begun to feel better about things with Leah and Sarah, but I knew it was too late for Paul. I'd told him I couldn't be with him and even if he hadn't moved on already, I doubted he would give me another chance after I'd messed him around.
I felt better when I woke Sunday morning and after taking a shower and eating a proper breakfast from the supplies I'd stocked my new refrigerator with, I was able to simply jog down the stairs and unlock the connecting door to the gym and I was at work. I knew I would like living there once I got used to being alone.
Monday Collin started work and it was Edward who planned a roster with him, ensuring that he would always be working Sundays so that I wouldn't be without at least one member of staff I could count on. I had insisted that Edward and Emmett have their days off together, it being obvious that they were well on the way to being in love with each other, if not there already. The nights they spent at each other's places increased to the point where I wondered why they didn't simply move in together and any time they were in each other's company, they were unable to hide their feelings when their eyes met. I was glad for Edward, to see him so happy. All the time I'd known him, he had hidden who he was and he had told me recently that he'd spent most of his adult life jumping from one short-lived relationship to another, longing for love and repeatedly being let down.
Thursday Sarah was finally released from the hospital. Her leg was now in a cast from just above the knee all the way to her foot, a good portion of it already covered with messages from her doctor, the nurses whom she had endeared herself to, Leah and me, her teacher and several school friends who had visited. Marie and Embry had also contributed and it had been the first time I'd seen Embry in a while. He had taken Marie on a vacation and it hadn't been until they returned that Leah had called to tell her friend about Sarah's accident. Marie had been at the hospital within hours, shooting evil looks at me every chance she got until I'd excused myself and made sure to avoid being there at the times she visited from then on. Embry came to see me at the gym later that evening and then hung out with me in the apartment for a little while afterwards and we agreed to start going to a few baseball games together again, which we hadn't managed to do for some time. He too was surprised that I had ended things with Paul, but thought it was probably for the best given the current situation.
I had gotten hold of a wheelchair for Sarah so that she wouldn't be confined to the apartment, although she would be able to manage crutches at least for short journeys. I continued spending several hours each weekday with her so that Leah could study, happy to leave the gym in Edward and Collin's hands. The pair worked well together and Edward reported that Collin was hard-working and clearly knew what he was doing. The following Saturday Leah and I took Sarah out for brunch together and afterwards, wheeled her chair all the way from the diner near the apartment to the gym so she could see my new place. In the absence of an elevator, I carried her up the stairs and Leah brought her crutches so that she could get the guided tour and while she sat on my bed, talking to the teddy bear to make sure he was taking care of me, Leah drew me into the kitchen to speak to me.
"There's something we need to talk about," she began. Neither of us had broached the status of our relationship or anything else during Sarah's stay in hospital - we had merely done the best we could to get along and be there for her, but now the time had come to make some decisions.
"Yeah, I know," I agreed.
"Have you thought about where you want to go from here?"
"Not really," I admitted.
"Well, I have. I think we should get a divorce."
The word hit me between the eyes and I heard myself gasp. Of course it made sense, but despite everything, I hadn't gotten around to thinking about it.
"There's no going back," Leah went on.
"No, I know. You're right," I said.
"I'd like it to be amicable. There's no sense making a big drama out of it and upsetting Sarah. We might have to cite irreconcilable differences or something like that."
"Leah, if you want to say I was unfaithful, you can use that," I told her at once. "It's the truth, after all."
"I don't want Sarah knowing that. Look, I won't pretend that when all this came out I didn't want to hate you for it and take you for everything I could, but although I'm still pissed at you, I've more or less gotten over it. There's no point. We can get along ok, can't we? I mean, we have done while Sarah's been in the hospital. Maybe some people would say I'm a pushover and I should be punishing you, but I'm sure you punished yourself well enough for everything. I don't think I'm weak; I simply know what I want and what I want for Sarah and a shitty atmosphere is not part of that."
"Leah, the last thing you are is weak," I said firmly. "You make me look like a pussy sometimes."
She gave me a small smile. "Shall I speak to a lawyer, then? Get some papers drawn up?"
"Yes, go ahead. I'll sign whatever. I'm really sorry, Leah. About everything I put you through."
"I know you are. So, I'll do that Monday then. Remember what I said about Sarah and...him. I don't want her to see him and get confused by it."
"I'm not seeing him." I suppressed a sigh with difficulty. "It's over; I told him when Sarah was first taken into hospital."
"Why?"
"It wasn't fair on anyone. I needed to be here for you girls; I didn't know how bad things were, how long Sarah would be in the hospital, it was too much all at once. So it's finished."
"I thought he was important to you," she said.
"Don't ask me about it, ok?" I begged. "You don't need to hear about it."
"If I didn't want to know, I wouldn't ask. You've looked like shit the last few weeks and I thought it must be just worry over Sarah and how you felt about what happened with us, but she's fine, getting better every day and you know how I feel about the situation. Yes, I was mad and hurt, but I accepted it. I'm sad that ten years of marriage has come to an end, but I know what I want to do with my life, at least for the short term. I'll be fine. Are you fine, Jacob?"
"No, I'm not fine, but I'll get over it. I couldn't expect him to wait around indefinitely while I get myself together."
"Wasn't it worth it?"
"Hell, Leah," I groaned.
"You think I don't want to see you happy? I still care about you, Jake, regardless of what's happened between us. I don't particularly enjoy seeing you miserable all the time. It is because of him, isn't it?"
"Yeah. But it's too late. He got involved with me against his better judgement and I kicked him in the teeth. I doubt he'd even give me the time of day now."
"Don't you think you ought to ask him before you write it off? What if he's miserable too; keeping his distance because he thinks that's what you want?"
"I can't believe you're talking to me about this." I had never felt more uncomfortable in my life, but Leah seemed surprisingly unfazed by the awkward conversation and I didn't know how to respond. I would much rather have been talking to Edward if I had to go over the situation with Paul again. Now Leah just shrugged.
"Like I said, I don't enjoy seeing you miserable. Are you punishing yourself in some way? Not letting yourself have him because of guilt over me? Something like that?"
"What are you now, a shrink?"
"Jake, come on, be serious. Is it guilt?"
"No. I really just wasn't ready to be with somebody else. I didn't want to keep him waiting and make him unhappy."
"So instead you make yourself unhappy. Call him," she said. "What can it hurt? The worst he can do is say..." She lowered her voice to a whisper as Sarah began to hobble out of the bedroom on her crutches. "...go fuck yourself. Life's too short, Jacob. Why waste it if there's a chance?"
"Your room's really big," Sarah said. "But there's only one. Where would I sleep if I stayed over? Would you let me stay, Mommy?"
"Of course, you could stay sometimes on the weekends if you wanted to," Leah smiled.
"I'd get you a camping bed, a bit like the one Mommy had in the hospital," I told her. "You could have it out here if you wanted, or if you'd rather have company it could go in my room, whatever you like."
"Awesome!"
I took the pair of them back to their apartment then, before returning home to the gym. I couldn't get what Leah had said to me out of my head and I wanted some time alone to think about it. Could I really have another chance with Paul? Somehow I doubted it. I had been the first person he'd opened himself up to after the death of his boyfriend in college and I'd done exactly what he had been protecting himself from - I'd hurt him and I didn't think for one minute he would let me near him again. It had been a month since I'd told him it was over and I doubted a sudden call from me to say I wanted to take up where we left off would be welcome.
It took me another week and a conversation with Edward to make up my mind to at least try calling him. Edward said almost the same thing Leah had - that life was too short and that if there was any chance at all that Paul still wanted me, I should take it if I felt that much for him. I continued to think about it all day while I spent several hours with Sarah as Leah studied and then returned to the gym for the evening. Edward and Emmett left to go for dinner and Collin remained in his office. My door was closed and I sat at the desk with my cellphone in my hand, staring at Paul's number in my list of contacts and wondering what the response would be if I called him. What would he be doing now, I wondered? He would have finished work and it was a weekday. Would he go to a bar? To Quentin's maybe? Or would he be in his apartment, eating dinner alone, or perhaps spending the evening with some other guy?
My thumb hovered over the 'call' button, but I didn't press it. He wouldn't want to hear from me. I'd done exactly what I promised I wouldn't do - let him down and hurt him. He would probably just tell me to fuck off and leave him alone. I put the phone down on the desk with a sigh and stared at it, trying to tell myself I was doing the right thing, while the other part of me repeated Leah and Edward's words - that life was too short and there was still a chance; I just wouldn't know unless I tried.
I picked up the phone and put it down several more times that evening until it was time to lock up and go upstairs to the apartment and I still hadn't called. My stomach was a knot of nerves and my heart pounding at the thought of hearing his voice again, but all I could think was that he would either hang up, or snarl at me. Perhaps it would be better to try to see him instead. I tried to work out when I could get to Boston and decided the only time would be on the weekend, when Leah wouldn't be studying. I would have to tell her and Sarah that I couldn't spend my day off with Sarah, but as luck would have it, Leah told me the next morning that her parents were planning to visit for the weekend, which meant I would need to stay away anyway.
"I'm sorry you can't spend the day with Sarah," Leah said.
"It's ok. There's actually something I wanted to do Saturday, I just didn't want to let Sarah down."
She didn't ask what I intended to do, but now that I was free for the weekend, I decided to make the trip. If Paul wouldn't talk to me or told me to go to hell, at least I would have tried. When I spoke to Edward and Emmett, they were quite happy to work Sunday so I would have the whole weekend if I needed it, although I doubted I would be staying away overnight on this occasion. The rest of the week crawled by, each day dragging on despite my efforts to fill them with Sarah and work, but finally Saturday dawned and I was up, showered and dressed by six-thirty. I didn't pack an overnight bag; I imagined I would be back home by the evening with my tail between my legs, but in any case, it was presumptuous. I didn't want to show up at Paul's door with a bag, like I expected him to welcome me back with open arms.
I was unable to get a seat on the early train to Boston and had to wait until almost noon before I could leave. Then I sat anxiously fidgeting for the entire journey until I eventually arrived at the station in Boston at three-thirty. I didn't actually know Paul's address, only where his apartment was, so I walked rather than took a cab, hoping that he would be home. He may be watching a baseball game or out with friends, or worse, home and with company. My footsteps slowed as I walked the last few blocks and by the time I reached the building, I was nervous and sweaty, my heart racing and my mind telling me to turn around and go home before I made a complete fool of myself. However, I continued into the building, managing to gain access when someone came out, leaving the main door ajar. I took the elevator up to Paul's floor and walked slowly to his door where I hovered, wiping my hands on my pants legs and licking dry lips. What the hell would I say to him?
I punched the buzzer outside the door before I could talk myself out of it and then shoved my hands into my pockets and waited, grinding my teeth and trying to hear any sound from within that would tell me he was there. It was silent, but then suddenly I heard a lock click and the door swung inwards. Paul stood there, shirtless, his usual tight jeans doing nothing to disguise an obvious erection. My heart plummeted into my boots before I had even looked behind him and spotted the other guy - a young blond wearing leather pants and an unfastened shirt - the same one who had offered to dance with Paul in Quentin's if I had refused.
My hammering heart stuttered and almost stopped. He had moved on and I didn't blame him one bit, but it didn't hurt any less to know that I was too late.