A/N: Day 2 of the VDay challenge on tumblr. Massive crack, and only implied smut. Read at your own risk.
When she came in late from her special Meister training, the fact he was sitting on the floor in the middle of the living room, an enormous basket of fruit sandwiched between his spread thighs and various odd jars and bottles arrayed around him was odd enough.
The fact he was sitting that way in only his boxer shorts? It might have actually been sexy if it weren't completely weird.
"What-are you doing?" Maka blinked down at him after hanging up her coat.
"Got another stupid basket. This one has fruit. And stuff to go with fruit." Soul was scowling down at the offending object, which was enticingly full of very ripe, delicious looking produce.
"You could always refuse to take delivery, you know," she said as she sat down across from him on the floor and began to remove her boots. "Please tell me you didn't take delivery like that, by the way."
He shrugged, ignoring her second question to answer the first. "Nah, no sense hurting my Mom's feelings. Plus, sometimes they actually have decent shit in them. Like-" He scooted back away from the basket to sit on his knees closer to her. In his hands was a fancy looking brown jar. "This, for instance." He waggled his eyebrows at her, devious smirk turning the situation from weird and a little sexy to just plain sexy.
Maka pulled off her second boot to place next to her, then splayed her legs out to foot the object in question. The fact he was surely getting a rather full and glorious view of her sheer lace panties was not at all lost on her. "And what, pray tell, is that?"
"This-" Soul grabbed her foot and brought it to his face, caressing her ankle slowly. "My dear meister, is a very thick, very expensive, most certainly delicious accompaniment to all of that," he waved an absent hand at the basket that was now to his side.
"Chocolate sauce?" she asked after noticing the color of the jar.
"Chocolate sauce," he confirmed as he brought her foot to his mouth. "What do you say we find out how good it is?" he then asked before her toe was in his mouth and he was sucking on it. At least she'd showered after training or it would taste extremely rank, but it felt pretty damned good, so Maka let out an involuntary noise that would have embarrassed her a mere month ago when they'd started doing things, but that had ceased to phase her.
"Sure." She shrugged, trying to keep her face impassive. One of her favorite games was to make him really, really work for it. "What did you have in mind?"
Soul put down the jar, releasing her toe from his mouth with an almost obscene pop before caressing further up her leg. "Thought I might remind you why they call me Eater."
She couldn't help it, she laughed. "Death, Soul, you are such a dork. And you call me a nerd." His face was beginning to take on a disgruntled pout, so she added. "But sure, remind me. And." Her face spread into a wicked grin of her own. "I expect that reminder to be thorough."
"Yes, my meister," he replied, his hand inching up her thigh, the chocolate sauce in his other hand being placed between her knees for easy access.
Ever true to his word, the chocolate sauce was indeed delicious, and he reminded her of all the implications of his boyhood nickname. Thoroughly.
The next morning, she was also reminded of something else, thoroughly, as she sat next to him in class, wiggling uncomfortably. Soul kept glancing at her, brow furrowed in concern, as she wriggled and writhed, trying hopelessly to be discreet.
About an hour in, Stein suddenly paused in his lesson, his gaze leveled her way. "Everything okay over there, Albarn?"
Maka went scarlet, but was smart enough to take the chance she'd been given. "Uh, actually, Professor-I'm not feeling very good so, um, if you wouldn't mind…?"
"Evans, take your meister to the infirmary," Stein said dismissively.
"Actually, if he could just take me home, I'd-like to lie down. I think-"
"Fine," he cut her off, already past bored. "Just go. And, feel better. Don't think this is going to get you out of the perception test at the end of the week."
"Uh, of-of course not, Professor." She stood, and Soul stood with her, and they both made their way down and out without another word, ignoring the questioning stares of their classmates as they went.
As they reached the empty hall, Soul turned to her, furrowed brow having morphed into full blown frown. "Hey, what's-"
"Just take. Me. Home. Now," she gritted out, because this was horrible, and visions of Health and Sexuality class were dancing through her head, and how how how could she have been so stupid?
"Al-riiight," she said unhappily, and as they began to walk, she amended.
"Actually, take me to a drug store. Then home."
"You gonna explain?" He side eyed her.
"Maybe. Probably. After I chop you."
"Huh?" Now he looked completely confused. Maka just scowled.
"Keep walking, loverboy. I'll tell you later."
She almost took a detour into the ladies room, her discomfort mounting, but she knew it would be a mistake, that touching it would make it worse, so she led him to the bike and contented herself with rubbing on the seat and gripping him around the waist far too tightly, causing a grunted "hey," though no other protest.
Once they pulled in at the drugstore, Maka sped in, bought the requisite tube of promised relief, and then returned to squeezing her clueless weapon/idiot jerkoff of a boyfriend too tightly as they sped home and she ran upstairs to strip and slather herself with cream.
She should have known it wouldn't be fast; the relief it provided was so half assed that she remembered something else from Health and Sexuality, and proceeded to run a hot bath, lowering herself into it and sighing as the overwhelming itch in her nether region finally, finally diminished. She'd have to reapply the cream later, but at least for the moment she didn't feel like gouging out her own vagina.
Briefly, as she finally heard cautious footsteps entering the apartment, she wondered if Kim could help with something like this, but ruled it out on several different counts, not the least of which was that Maka Albarn had dealt with worse. That, and the fact that this one was her own damned fault, her and her sexy stupid idiot of a weapon.
Speak of the devil.
She heard the approaching footsteps stop just shy of the tub and blinked up at her partner. He was frowning down at her unhappily.
"Now will you tell me what the hell is going on?"
"Chocolate sauce," she said flatly.
"Chocolate sauce?" The frown deepened.
"Chocolate sauce," she repeated, only to watch his jaw drop, his eyes swivel to the tube resting on the sink.
"But-I mean-how?" His brow was again crinkled in confusion.
"Seriously, Soul," she said with an exaggerated eye roll. "Do you ever pay attention in class?"
"What the fuck class would tell me that chocolate sauce is bad for your-" Soul snapped, but she cut him off.
"Health and Sexuality, idiot." If possible, the second eyeroll was even more exaggerated. "Remember how much Nygus emphasized not putting food in your-"
"Oh," he said suddenly, quietly, looking sheepish. "So I guess the chocolate sauce wasn't-uh- such a good plan." He started scratching the back of his neck unhappily.
"Not really, no." She sighed.
"But if you knew, why didn't you-"
"I only remembered after I started itching," she grumbled.
"And will I-"
"Probably not. Guys are less prone to yeast infections, at least from that type of thing. Girls are just lucky. Don't worry, you got to have your chocolate sauce and eat it too." Her voice was dry and she could see him suppress a small, amused smile at the joke before a look of sheer horrified guilt replaced it.
"I'm-I'm really, really sorry. Shit-shit-I'm sorry! I'll-I'll make it up to you, and uh, yeah-" another head scratch. "Can I, uh, help? Somehow?"
"I think you've helped enough," she said with another sigh, but as he looked truly stricken, Maka reached out to grab his hand. "Honestly, Soul, you took me home and I've got cream. You've done what you could and you didn't know and even though it will never, ever happen again, it was pretty fun at the time. I'm the one who should have known better. So just-I'm not mad at you, okay? I might change my mind when I feel like clawing myself bloody later, but right now-it's alright."
"Yeah, alright," he answered, though his guilt ridden frown suggested he was anything but.
It took three days of applying cream for Maka's infection to clear up, and another week of her weapon worshipping the ground she walked on for Soul to clear his own conscious enough for things to go back to normal. Neither could ever look at chocolate sauce quite the same way again.