The Doof's Review!
"It's time for Doofenshmirtz's Daily Dirt!
"Welcome back, evil subscribers, to Doofenshmirtz's Daily Dirt! The only show where I, Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, conduct a daily podcast or video or whatever you want to call it, even though they aren't technically daily, or even weekly for that matter; they're more hit-and-miss depending on my evil funds; and on this show, this podcast, as I believe they are called, or maybe it's a webcast? I can't really remember; let's just call it a 'cast' for short, like, uh, like, maybe it was broken and we had to put a cast on it, therefore, just cast; and this cast is where I show you my dirt on a daily basis, and it's mine, therefore, Doof's Daily Dirt. Or sometimes gravel, or cement, because I live in the city and sometimes dirt can be hard to come by. Of course it's all metaphorical, you see, so, I'm not actually going to bring you a jar of dirt and display it for the camera; it's metaphorical dirt, which is actually still surprisingly hard to come by, even for an evil genius, like myself.
"Now today, as you can probably see from the fact that you are reading my words rather than watching my video on your computer screen, I have decided to post everything I say in writing to assist those subscribers who may have some sort of hearing handicap, allowing them to still be able to follow everything I say on my show. I bought one of those programs where you just talk into the microphone and it types everything you say for you, and I have to admit, it comes in handy. Of course, it also lets me read everything as I say it, and wait! I just realized, my first paragraph has a really long run-on sentence, with comma after comma; it goes on for like, four lines! I guess I do have a tendency to ramble, don't I…
"Anyways, I have found a new trend on the internet that I think is really gonna catch on. It's a little something called Fan-fiction. Now you've probably never heard about it, so allow me to explain what exactly "Fan-fiction" is in laymen's terms. Fan-fiction is where all the nerds go when the main characters from a "canon," or the universe in which a certain story is set, don't fall in love the way they wanted. So they change the story in order to make sure that so-and-so ends up together with his or her best friend, or their best friend's cousin, or whatever; and then they go and claim they don't own the right to do so, as if that somehow makes it legal; and distribute it on the internet to their like-minded peer group of nerds who also "ship," or support, that pairing. So, suppose for instance, that I wanted to write a story where Ducky Momo falls in love with Howard the Duck; I know, gross, right? They have a Fan-fiction for that!
"Now I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that there are other genres on Fan-fiction besides romance, but c'mon? Who reads those?
"So the other day, when I first found the website where you can post your Fan-fiction stories, I was perusing a few stories at my leisure and found one called Kick It Up A Knotch! It was really good! So good, in fact, that I wanted to talk about it on my show today and give it a review. I'm a little nervous because I've never reviewed a story before, but here goes. Ahem.
"Happy emoticon : ) I love this! This is so funny my eyes are crossed from laughing out loud, or 'ell-oh-ell'-ing, like this: XD. Please make more or I will zap you with my Shrink-inator. ALL CAPS! Jk I'm just kidding but seriously, someone should make a real cartoon show out of this. Keep it up!
"Perfect. Now, let's take a look at some other reviews. Using my latest invention, the Mindreader-inator, I will read the mind of the author and give his responses to each of them as is customary near the end of each chapter, something I notice he has neglected to do himself.
"KuriMaster13: The author says, thank you for your reviews and for laughing at all his jokes, even when you don't really think they're that funny. He also likes your Shedinja wearing a Giratina mask profile picture. I don't know what that means, but I think he's judging you.
"Galaxina-the-Seedrian: He says sorry you missed that episode. In hindsight, he guesses it was a good thing he called it "Candace's you-know-what" so that it didn't spoil it for you, and once you get a chance to see it, you'll know what he meant. Also, thanks for calling his stories awesome! Exclamation point. Those are his exact words and punctuation.
"Jet Engine: He says thanks for reading, and pun somewhat noted. I guess he means that, like, as in to mirror your review.
"chronofall: He agrees with you and Jet, and would happily submit his stories to a couple of guys I've never heard of, Dan Povenmire and "Swampy" Marsh, to see if they liked it, if he were able. I'm assuming those are some big-shot writers in Hollywood? Yeah right, like that'll ever happen. They're not allowed to accept any unsolicited material; everybody knows that.
"Ryan Stoppable: The author appreciates your comments and promises to make an effort of including the rest of the gang more in his future episodes.
"bilaterus: The author says thanks for your review and assures you he will take care now! He also wishes to apologize for borrowing one of your story ideas to use as a creative way to respond to all of the reviews he has received thus far—wait a second, am I being used? Double wait, bilaterus? Isn't that the profile I hacked into some time ago to publish a story about evil love? Hold on, suddenly I'm feeling very conflicted about the producer of this podcast—BZZT!"
(The screen briefly goes berserk in an electronic blizzard of black and white pixels)
(The title reappears on screen as the Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated jingle plays)
"Well, evil subscribers, I am compelled by someone, the name of whom I won't mention, to conclude now. Look into that Fan-fiction stuff, I think it's gonna hit off real soon. And happy evil!"
Special thanks to bilaterus for letting me play off the conventions of his story, Doof's (Evil) Phinbella Story, co-authored with Blythehasfreckles.