AN: Nice to see so many familiar faces, lol. Missed you guys already. ;)
Nice to see new faces as well. Hope you guys like the story. :)
Oh, and just so you know, this story may contain repeated elements from some of my previous stories. Like I said, it's a draft for a novel, so I'm basically pretending my fanfics don't exist, and I'll be borrowing certain things from them, like dialogue fragments, prose samples, things like that. Just wanted to mention. :)
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Chapter 2:
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Monday afternoon during her lunchbreak Bella went for a stroll along the Queensgate Bridge with her friend and co-worker Jessica. Jessica was about ten years younger than her, blonde, and very excited to be newly engaged to her boyfriend.
"It really was a perfect weekend," she was saying. "Eddie's band had a gig on a cruiseship and I was there to see him play and guess what? He dedicated a song to me! He wrote it, too. And then between sets we were walking on the deck, holding hands, and there was this little space by the bow and you're not going to believe this—we made love! Right under the stars, like in a movie. Oh my gosh, it was so romantic. Here, I've got pictures."
Bella balked. "I don't want to see pictures."
"Pictures of Eddie playing, silly."
"Oh."
They paused on the bridge, the two of them wrapped up in coats against the wind, cars going by in the street. A brisk autumn day. Bella nodding as her friend cycled through the pictures. Each one featured a man with a guitar on a stage, crooning into a microphone with his eyes closed. The final picture showed him smiling at the camera with a wink and Jessica giggled at that one.
"See? That's when he dedicated the song to me."
Bella nodded some more but she wasn't really paying attention.
"I'm serious, Bella, I think he's the One," Jessica went on. "I really do."
"Well, I'm very happy for you. That's great."
Bella had turned away and started walking again. Jessica looked at her.
"Hey, you okay?" she asked.
Bella stopped and turned back. "Yeah," she said. "I'm alright."
"Are you sure? You've been weird all week."
"I have?"
"Yeah, what's going on with you? Did something happen with Jake?"
"No. Not with Jake."
"Well, whatever it is, you know you can tell me, right?"
Bella sighed and leaned against the iron railing. Wind stirred her hair. Jessica was looking at her and then she seemed to recognize something in Bella's expression. Her blonde brows drew into a frown and she put her hands on her hips.
"Bella," she said chidingly.
"What?"
"You're not thinking about…her again, are you?"
Bella's heart fluttered.
Her.
Jessica saw her sheepish expression and groaned louder than the traffic in the street.
"Oh, Bella," she said. "I thought you were over this?"
"I thought I was too. But last week…"
"Yeah?"
Bella opened her purse and took out the scrap of paper. The one with the girl's number on it. Alice. Jessica regarded it with a troubled expression and Bella took a deep breath to help with the confession.
"She asked me out," she said.
"And what did you say?"
"I don't know. I just took the number. I didn't know what to do. Being that close to her, Jess, you have no idea. I couldn't breathe. All she did was smile and I practically melted all over the exercise bike."
"Eww."
"I'm serious, Jess. I was falling apart. I'm really worried about what all this means. I mean, I'm married. I love my husband. I love my kids. So why the hell am I going all gooey over some chick in the gym? Why does every bone in my body ache for this girl? What is wrong with me?"
"Nothing's wrong with you. It's just a crush, that's all."
"A crush?"
"Sure. I've had plenty of girl crushes. I even slept with two of them. Girls go through phases sometimes. I went through the same thing in college. Well, not exactly the same thing. I was drunk and I snapped out of it as soon as the alcohol wore off. But you know what I mean."
Bella shook her head. A truck was passing across the bridge in a pall of dust and exhaust. Jessica glanced at it and back at Bella.
"Listen," she said. "If you were single, I'd tell you to just do it and get it out of your system. But you're not single. You have a family. So if this chick is really affecting you that much, then maybe you should just switch gyms. Get her off your mind. Forget about her before she messes you up even more."
"What about her number?"
"Chuck it in the river."
"Maybe I should chuck myself in the river."
"Lesbian suicide? So cliché."
"What else can I do?"
"Well, you can't call her."
Bella didn't answer that. She just bit her lip coyly. Jessica saw it and became disapproving.
"Come on, Bella," she said. "What would you even say to her? Hi, I really like you, but I'm also kind of married. I mean, seriously. I can't believe you're even thinking about it."
"Me either."
Bella looked down at the number in her hands. The tiny scrap of magazine page was creased and faded from how often it had been unfolded and fondled over the past week. Jessica gave her a moment and then she started buttoning up her coat.
"Look, I have to get back to the office," she said. "Do you want my advice?"
"No matter what I say, I'm getting the advice anyway, right?"
"Ditch the number, ditch the gym, and pull yourself together. Alright?"
Bella sighed and nodded. Then she balled the number in her fist, turned, and threw it over the railing. It fell silently and for a long time and finally came to rest on the gray surface of the river without so much as a splash.
Jessica seemed proud and she gave her older friend a nod.
"Good girl," she said. "I'll see you back at the office, alright? Promise not to jump off the bridge while I'm gone?"
Bella smiled a little bit. "I promise."
Jessica nodded again and then gave her a hug and started back up the bridge the way they had come.
Bella turned and leaned on the railing and looked down into the water. A ferry was going up river in a thin white wake. She couldn't even see where the number had landed. It was gone. But it didn't matter. The number was stored in her phone and now she took her phone out of her coat pocket and looked at the screen. Under her contacts the number was listed under GOD. She looked at it for a long time and then moved her thumb to the delete button and let it hover there for a moment.
But she couldn't press it. A sigh came out of her and she looked up at the sky. Seagulls crossing against the clouds on their way to the harbour. Rivers were common symbols for crossroads and she felt like she was at a crossroads right now. She could either delete the number and go on with her life, supressed and censored and somewhat miserable, or…she could call. And maybe figure out what it is she'd been lacking her entire life. She tried to put as much thought into the decision as possible but in the end it didn't even feel like a decision. Her thumb moved away from the delete button and hit call instead.
Her heart began thumping in her chest as the phone rang. She half-hoped the girl wouldn't even pick up but she did.
"Hello?"
That voice. Bella's throat thickened and she had to clear it before speaking. "Hi," she said. "It's me. The, um, woman from the gym. You gave me your number?"
"Yeah, I remember. I was wondering if you'd ever call. It's been eight days. And yes, I was counting."
A sweet giggle from the other end of the line. Bella had to squeeze her eyes shut to keep from exploding. Another truck was passing in the street and Bella turned away from it and spoke a little louder.
"Sorry, I've been really busy," she said. "I don't suppose I can take you up on that drink?"
"Sure. Are you free right now?"
"Now?"
"Sure."
"Well, um, I'm on my lunch break, so…"
"Great! I got a break coming up too. I work at a small Starbucks downtown. On the corner of 5th and 48th. Why don't you come by and I'll use my discount to get us a couple lattes?"
"Sounds great. I'll be right there."
"Okay, see you soon!"
Bella lowered the phone and blinked and looked across the bridge. A yellow cab was coming and she lifted a hand in a daze to hail it.
Ten minutes later and already late for work she pushed open the glassdoor of the coffeeshop and saw her. She was wearing an apron and smiling for a customer as she poured their coffee. Bella stopped and stared. The door swung closed behind her and the ringing of the bell seemed to tingle in her heart. The store was warm and filled with a rich aroma of roasted coffeebeans and cinnamon pastries and after a moment the girl looked up. Her smile brightened to see Bella there and Bella came forward with a smile of her own.
"Hey," the girl said. "Just let me tell someone to take over and I'll be right with you."
Bella nodded and shrugged off her coat. Underneath she was wearing a charcoal skirtsuit with black heels and she noticed how the girl seemed impressed before moving away behind the counter to talk to one of the other girls.
When she came back she had taken off her apron and she was carrying two mugs. She placed one on the table before Bella and said she hoped Bella liked lattes. Bella said that was fine. The girl then sat down as well and started talking. In a pretty voice about nothing in particular. Bella listened and nodded and inside she was just amazed at how natural and easy this was for her. She supposed the girl met new people all the time. Bella, meanwhile, hadn't been on a date with someone new since college, much less with another woman of all things. She was so nervous her hands were cold and clammy and even cupping them around the steaming mug couldn't heat them up.
Luckily the girl was so adept at dating that she was able to carry the conversation all by herself while Bella did little more than show a very genuine interest. In five minutes she had accumulated more information about the girl than in all these months of guessing and fantasizing and every detail was fascinating. She wasn't surprised at all to learn the girl was a fashion major. For some reason it seemed very fitting. She spoke about clothes at some length and even stood up to show off her boots. Biretta, black leather. Ankle high with a block heel. Bella loved them.
The girl then sat down again and took up her mug with a smile.
"So, yeah, that's me," she said. "Currently I'm saving up to go to Europe so I can intern at a magazine in Paris."
Bella nodded and she was actually very impressed. The girl seemed like quite an exemplary young woman. Polite, well-adjusted, pursuing a career in a field that she loved. It would've been a bit disappointing if this girl of her dreams had turned out to be, well, less than perfect.
The girl was sipping her latte and now she set it down again.
"So what about you?" she asked. "What do you do?"
"I work for an advertisement agency. I'm part of a team that's working on a sales program for garden furniture."
"Sounds exciting."
"Oh, it's a thrill ride."
"Did you always work in advertising?"
"Yeah, pretty much."
"Do you like it?"
"Yeah, I guess."
The girl was nodding, waiting for more. None came. Bella still had her hands wrapped around her mug. It had stopped steaming and it was still mostly full. Since sitting down she had hardly moved a muscle from how paranoid and self-conscious she was.
The silence grew into an awkward pause and the girl looked across the shop as if there might be help out there. Bella could tell she was botching the date but she didn't know what she could say that didn't involve the fact that she was married and shouldn't even be here.
"I'm sorry for being so awkward," she said at last. "The truth is, I've never…"
"Never what?"
"Been out with a girl. Before."
"Oh. Really?"
Bella felt her face heat and she gave a couple nods. It wasn't the full truth but at least it was part of it. The girl laughed.
"Oh, I'm sorry," she said. "I assumed you were…well, you know. I mean, how come you didn't mention it? A girl asks you out and you just say yes?"
"I guess so."
"Well, what's your deal then? Bi? Just curious?"
"It's complicated."
The girl sighed at that and a wry, and very pretty, smile settled over her mouth. "It always is, isn't it?"
Bella shook her head quickly and rose from the table. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be here. I should get going."
"No, no, no, sit down," the girl said. "It's okay. I know how confusing it can be. Tell me more, maybe I can help. When did you realize you were into girls?"
Bella was still standing. She had her coat folded over her arm and she regarded the girl there for a moment. So young. So cute.
"A few months ago," Bella admitted. "I saw this girl at the gym and she kind of just blew me away."
It took the girl a moment to realize what she meant and a grin spread over her mouth.
"Wow," she said. "She must be hot."
"You are."
The girl giggled. Bella unfolded her coat and slipped it on and then she opened her purse and dealt a few bills onto the table to pay for the lattes.
"I'm sorry, but I really do need to get back to work," she said. "I apologize for wasting your time like this, but it was very nice to meet you."
"Yeah, you too. Hey, listen."
Bella turned back. The girl rose and she seemed uncertain whether or not to proceed.
"Look," she said. "If you wanna see me again, just give me a call. I'd be happy to help you figure it out. I've dated girls like you before, so I'm a bit of an expert at being patient and understanding."
Bella smiled at how sweet she was and nodded and then she turned and went out.
The girl sighed and watched her go. The bell tingled, the door swept shut. The woman passed by the plateglass window outside, her coat wrapped tight, her hair flickering in the wind, and she paused and smiled and waved to the girl inside and the girl smiled and waved back to send her on her way.
Alice stood there for a moment, thinking. Then she pulled out her phone and sent an angry text to Zafrina:
Your gaydar sucks!
—
Bella was in a torture of turmoil all day and all night and the next morning she deleted the number and decided to shut up and be faithful to her husband. That same afternoon she saw the girl at the gym, the two of them bumping into each other like old friends, and after some fumbling chitchat she acquired the number again after explaining how she deleted it by mistake. Stupid phone.
The girl, true to her word, was very patient. At first she only texted occasionally. Bella reading them at home behind cupped hands like a secret agent and deleting them right away after replying.
Side by side with the girl in that hotpink sportsbra, Bella's workouts became even more intense. Together they jogged around the indoor jog track, Alice as spry as a bunny on the balls of her feet, Bella stealing glances and stumbling along like a woman who forgot to tie her shoelaces. Alice stole her fair share of glances as well and while Bella was on the elliptical, marching on the max setting, Alice waited by and drank from a waterbottle with slow sips as her eyes roamed the back of Bella's skintight yogapants. For an older woman she was in terrific shape and the younger girl was already eager to get her into bed—when she was ready, of course.
They had their iPods or music on their phones but mostly they talked. About this and that. Movies. TV shows. Nothing personal. One time Bella opened her mouth to mention an award Nessie got in school, the way she'd tell colleagues at work, but a cold feeling swept her mouth shut again.
By their fourth session Bella began wearing her hair down and switched from a sweatshirt to a croptop. Alice noted the change with a smile but no comment. They lifted weights in the weight room, small chrome dumbbells, and Bella smiled at the flex of Alice's tiny biceps as sweat dripped from the tip of her nose. They compared abs and exchanged encouragement and showed off the muscles they were proud of. Bella let the girl feel her rocksolid thigh and the girl was very impressed. They were sitting on a bench, Alice reaching into Bella's lap, and the girl smirked at her as she gave the thigh a suggestive caress that reduced the muscles there to liquid.
In the change rooms they tried to keep their eyes to themselves but the attraction all but crackled between them like static. Sitting down to remove their shoes. Rising again to pull off their tops and push down their tights. Glimpses of smooth skin and bare legs. Sideways silhouettes, furtive smiles, faces flushed from more than just the exercise. Bella still somewhat in shock that she was even attracted to these things. Heart hammering and hot blood coursing through her exhausted body. The girl was undressed first and went for a shower and the woman leaned into her locker with her eyes closed and took deep breaths until she was confident she wasn't going to faint.
That morning they left the gym together and went for a walk in the park. Dappled sunlight lay across the grassy hills and there were people on picnic blankets with novels. Bella bought the girl an icecream at a cart and Alice winked as she gave it a lick as they continued strolling.
"Can I ask you something personal?" Bella asked her eventually.
"Sure."
"How did you realize you were gay?"
The girl glanced at her, shrugged, and chose her words carefully. "Well, I guess I was one of the lucky ones. It came very naturally to me. I was only about eight the first time I had a crush on a girl. I can't remember exactly. She was a couple years older than me. I never said anything, though."
"I bet you were really cute back then."
"Still am now."
"Sure are."
Alice laughed and licked her fingers as icecream melted on them. "What about you? Figure anything out yet?"
Bella shook her head. "Not much. Do you really think it's possible for a woman to be straight her entire life and then just suddenly switch teams?"
"Sure. Sometimes it's like that. Latent. Dormant. Then one day you have a magical moment with another girl and presto lesbo."
Bella smiled at that but then shook her head again. "I just wish I knew for sure. I keep thinking, what if it's just a phase? Is it really worth disrupting my entire life over something that's just gonna go away eventually?"
"Disrupt what, though? I mean, it's not like you have to run and tell your friends and family this exact minute. And it's not like you have a boyfriend or anything."
Bella laughed awkwardly. She had something worse than a boyfriend. She had a husband. The girl didn't know that, though, and she gave a shrug.
"So what have you got to lose?" she asked reasonably.
Bella shrugged as well but the knots in her stomach provided her the answer: everything.
The girl didn't live too far from the park and Bella walked her all the way to her apartment building. The girl had just finished her icecream and now she tossed the napkin into a recycle bin on the sidewalk.
"Well, this is my place," she said. "Listen. I'm not usually so blunt, and I know it's the middle of the day, but you wanna come upstairs?"
Bella lifted her eyebrows. "Excuse me?"
"You heard me. I mean, there's no reason to be awkward about it. I know I said I was good at being patient, but maybe you're not. It's pretty clear how desperate you are to try it. And if it really is just a phase, this is the best way to figure it out. And if it's not a phase, well, we were gonna have sex eventually anyway, right?"
Bella was speechless. She looked up at the building. She looked at the girl.
"I-I'm sorry," she said. "I just don't think I'm ready."
"Why not?"
Bella's mouth moved up and down. She could see the girl's brow begin to furrow but she was powerless to stop it. Finally the girl just sighed.
"Well, suit yourself," she said. "I guess I better hurry up and go upstairs so you don't have to awkwardly avoid kissing me again."
"Alice—"
"It's alright, don't worry about it. I'll call you later, okay? See you."
Then she pushed through the glassdoors and went on without looking back. Bella sighed and turned and slouched back toward the gym where she'd left her car.
She was late getting home and in a bad mood the rest of the day, sullen with the husband, snappish at the kids. The unfairness of her situation had been building for a long time but it never seem more unfair than today. At any moment she felt like she would burst into tears. Why did this have to happen to her? Why at this point in her life?
During the afternoon she dragged the chores out to avoid the family and after dinner she shut herself away in the bathroom and drew a long bath. She had been on her feet all day and when your heart was torn in two and your whole life unravelling you ought to at least be able to take a nice bath.
With her hair pinned up she stepped in and settled under the bubbles with her eyes closed and a wet cloth over her forehead. She felt bad about Alice. Lying to her. Not telling her about her husband. She knew she should feel bad about the husband as well but that was more difficult. No matter how perfect he was or how supportive he could be, part of her wished she had never even met him. Wished she had come to these realizations twenty years ago. Before the house, before the kids. Before everything. Her entire life would've been different. Better? Maybe not. But she would've liked the opportunity to find out. Her life didn't even feel like her life anymore.
Her eyes opened with a sigh. Beside her on the little tiled shelf sat a round peachcolored scented candle. She looked at the flame for a long time and then she closed her eyes again.
Back in her bedroom she sat on the bed in her bathrobe and logged into Lezzie Lovers on her laptop. The husband was outside and she might have time to rub one out quickly. After scrolling through a few videos she soon found one that made her stir inside. A trio of perky young blondes. Wearing nothing but high heels and sexy stares. Bella quickly slipped an earbud into her ear and instantly her head was filled with the sounds of feminine moaning. Her insides rolled in something like nausea but not quite. Exhilaration. She stared at the screen and sometimes she wondered why all women in the world weren't lesbians. It was just so goddamn…sexy.
She was about to reach into her robe when her phone buzzed. It was a text from Alice.
Halloween party tomorrow night at my place. Still coming?
Bella stared at the phone with three different women moaning in her ear.
Then the bedroom door swung open and her husband came in.
Bella flung the phone in surprise. It flew across the room and clattered off the wall. Jake burst out laughing and went to retrieve it for her. There was a text from her secret almost-girlfriend on it and on the laptop was a threeway of blonde college girls.
The first thing Bella did was slap at the laptop as if there was a spider on it. She managed to get the video closed off and the screen folded shut before he came over with the phone. At first she was terrified he might've seen the text but he only handed it back without even glancing.
"What are you watching there, porn?" he asked. Joking, she hoped.
"No, no, it was just…"
Bella trailed off and looked down at the phone. It seemed undamaged. Jake was pulling off his shirt.
"Just finished cleaning the barbeque for Nessie's birthday tomorrow morning," he said. "I still love how our daughter was born on Halloween. Perfect for a little monster like her, huh?"
"Mm."
"Well, I better hop in the shower quickly," he said, pausing at the door with a grin. "Should I bother putting pajamas on when I get out?"
"Uh, sure."
Jake sighed at how his wife wasn't even listening and then he continued out and down the corridor.
Bella was still looking down at the phone. At the text from Alice. She knew she couldn't afford to say no too many more times before the girl simply told her to go to hell but how could she say yes? Tomorrow was her daughter's eleventh birthday.
While she was staring the phone buzzed again.
Bella? Did you forget?
Bella shook her head and quickly typed a reply.
I can't. I'm sorry.
For a long moment there was no response. Then—
Fine. Forget it.
Bella's shoulders sagged and she sat there for a long time before deleting the messages. She could hear the shower running and she knew she'd have a few minutes alone with her laptop but she really wasn't in the mood anymore.
By the time her husband came back she was in bed and only the bedside lamp was on. She was facing away with her eyes closed but she felt the bed tilt as he climbed in and touched her shoulder.
"Babe," he said. "You asleep?"
"Not tonight, Jake," she said, shrugging his hand off.
"That's not what I meant, babe. Are you alright? You've been acting weird for a long time. I'm getting worried about you."
Bella frowned at the concern in his voice. Concern she didn't deserve. She rolled over to face him and felt a surge of love. Love but not attraction. He used his fingers to stroke back strands of her hair and she tried to give him a smile.
"I'm alright," she said. "Just tired."
A hesitant grin crossed his face. "Tired of what? Me? Cuz that's kind of the impression I'm getting."
"Just sleepy, baby."
"You sure there's nothing bothering you?"
"Yeah."
"Cuz you know I'm always here if you need to talk, right? Anything that's bothering you, you can tell me."
"I know, baby."
"You sure there's nothing bothering you?"
"I'm fine, Jake."
It was the correct thing to say, if not the most truthful, and he nodded a couple times before smiling and giving her a kiss. Bella accepted it with numb lips and then she rose up a little and leaned and turned off the lamp.
—
AN: Bit angsty, isn't it? Hmm. I thought it would've been more comedic from what I had pictured in my head. Still, it does have a couple funny moments. We'll see how it goes. :)