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Chapter 4:

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That day she called in sick and she only barely managed to get the kids to school on time. For an hour or two afterward she languished around the house, shaking her head and wondering how to explain all this, before she gave up and headed in to work for the final half of the day. No gym that afternoon. She didn't answer Alice's texts. The kids had an afterschool program and she picked them up on the way home and got started on dinner with Nessie. Jake was still out but he didn't answer any calls or texts.

Dinner was on the table by the time he finally came home. Bella had been keeping the kids calm but they were worried and they had been eating in silence. When they heard the front door unlock they looked up. Bella's heart dropped into her stomach. Dinner was steak and vegetables but she hadn't had a bite. They heard the door close again and the keys clatter into the bowl on the sideboard and then he came around the corner at a slouch with his hands in his pockets but still managing to fix a smile on his face for the kids.

"Daddy!" Nessie cheered.

"Hey, sweetie," he said. "Sorry I'm late."

Bella rose from her chair quietly. "I'll heat up another plate."

Bella went into the kitchen and opened the fridge. There was a plate already made up and wrapped in plastic. She could hear her husband in the dining room, explaining to the kids where he'd been, telling them everything was alright. Bella shook her head at herself and unwrapped the plate and slid it into the oven.

Jake followed her into the kitchen and he was standing by the counter. He could barely look at her and she could barely look at him.

"It'll be ready in a minute," she said.

He nodded and then shook his head. "This whole time I was just driving around," he said. "Basically in shock. I couldn't be mad because I couldn't even believe it. I kept thinking, she would never do this. There has to be some reason. Some misunderstanding. But there isn't, is there?"

"There is one thing."

"What?"

"It's not a man," Bella said. "It's a woman."

Jake drained even further. He put a palm on the counter to steady himself. Bella felt like she was burning.

"How long has this been going on?" he asked in a lost voice.

"I met her a couple months ago," she said. "But last night was the first time we ever…"

She couldn't even say it. He looked away and she began to panic.

"I'm sorry, baby," she said. "This is so complicated. I never wanted any of this to happen. You know I love you. You and the kids are everything to me."

"Then why? Why would you…?"

Bella couldn't answer. Jake shook his head.

"Eighteen years, Bella," he said. "We've been married eighteen years. I thought you were happy?"

"I am. I was."

"I thought you told me everything."

"I couldn't, Jake. I couldn't ruin everything without being absolutely certain."

"And are you? Certain?"

Again she couldn't answer. Jake looked at her sadly and then the oven dinged.

Dinner was a somber affair, sad and civil with troubled glances between the children. Bella forced herself to eat but her stomach felt like a knot inside her.

The nightly routine went on as usual. Marching the kids into the bathroom for teethbrushing and putting them to bed. Jake had gone outside after dinner and he was working on his motorcycle till midnight when he came in and showered. Bella had stayed up because she thought they needed to talk. She was sitting at the dresser in their bedroom, rubbing moisturizer into her arms, when he came in without speaking and took one of the pillows from the bed.

Bella rose and looked at him. "Where are you going?"

"Couch."

"What about the kids? What are they gonna say when they see you on the sofa?"

"I think that's the least of our concerns, babe."

Bella let out a breath. She was standing there in her robe and he was standing there with the pillow. They still couldn't look at each other. Jake looked at the ground and at the wall and then he chuckled once.

"You know what I can't stop thinking about?"

"What?"

"How hot you would've been with another chick."

A very thin smile appeared on Bella's mouth. Jake smiled as well, just a little, and then he sighed.

"Look, babe," he said. "I love you. That's never going to change. And I know you'd never do anything to intentionally hurt this family. So whatever you're going through, we're gonna deal with it. Together. Alright? We'll figure it out."

Bella blinked back tears. She did not deserve this man.

"I just need to know one thing," he said.

"Yeah?"

"It's not because of me, is it? I mean, it's not because I was…inadequate, right?"

A quirk of a grin was on his lips. Bella smiled and shook her head.

"No, Jake," she said. "It had nothing to do with you. It's me. It's all my fault."

He nodded, letting the joke melt a little bit of the ice. Bella took the pillow from him.

"I'll take the couch," she said. "I'll tell the kids my back is acting up again."

"Bella, you don't…"

"Yes, I do. Night, Jake."

Jake sighed and nodded. "Night, babe."

Bella went out and got some spare blankets from the hallway closet and spread them on the couch. The lamp was on and she sat down and set the alarm on her phone and looked at Alice's texts. Her stomach knotted up again and she still didn't know how to reply and in the end she simply turned off the lamp and lay down in the dark and tried to sleep.

The next day she wasn't sure if she would go to the gym but she did. After work at her usual time when she knew Alice would be there.

She spotted the girl right away. She was already changed into her gym clothes and marching on one of the treadmills. Even from across the gym a rush of warmth passed through Bella. Bella continued on into the locker room and got changed quickly and came back out with her gymbag over her shoulder. Alice was still on the treadmill and Bella came up behind her. Smiling. Watching her ass. So round and cute. Wrapped in black spandex and flexing prettily from each stride on the treadmill.

Bella continued around to her side and Alice finally saw her.

"Hey," the girl said. "You never replied to my texts. Everything okay?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry about that. Rough day, yesterday."

"What happened?"

"Family emergency, I guess."

"You've never mentioned your family. Do they live around here?"

"Pretty close, yeah."

"My parents are upstate. No brothers or sisters."

Bella nodded at that vaguely. Alice kept marching and now her brows gathered in concern.

"You sure everything is alright, Bella?"

"No, not really."

"What do you mean?"

"Alice, the truth is…"

Alice tapped at the control panel and came to a stop. She looked at Bella. Beads of sweat on her forehead. A flush on her cheeks. Bella's throat began to close and she couldn't bear to say it.

"…I really like you," she said instead.

"But?"

"No, buts. Aside from that gorgeous one behind you, of course."

The flirty remark made the girl smile but it didn't distract her. "Are you sure? Because after the way you left the other morning, I thought maybe you were weirded out about what happened."

"Nope. No weirdness at all."

"None?"

"None. It was perfect. You were perfect."

Now the girl was distracted. She smiled and giggled and gave her a shy little look. "Good," she said. "Because I can't wait to do it again."

"Me too."

"How about tonight?"

"Your place?"

"How about yours?"

"Yours is good."

"I hate my apartment. I want to see your place."

"Let's just stick to yours for now, okay?"

The girl's smile dimmed a little but she gave a small nod. "Okay."

Bella nodded as well and tried to brighten her smile with one of her own before climbing onto one of the treadmills.

It wasn't until she got home when she began to feel sick about how badly she was lying to this poor girl. But even that was nothing compared to the sickness in her stomach when she mentioned to her husband that she had to go out tonight. She was wearing a floralprint daydress with a khaki colored coat belted over the top and he took one look at her and knew exactly where she was going. Bella felt like a complete and utter bitch. She wanted to apologize but neither of them were quite prepared to mention it out loud and they said goodnight with barely a nod.

She had eaten dinner with her family and she ate dinner again with Alice. The two of them on the sofa with chopsticks and boxes of rice. Each mouthful of extra calories was undoing part of her workout but she ate it all and drank a light beer as well. It was perhaps their first real date together, at night over dinner, and she couldn't stop smiling. Watching the girl giggle and fumble with her chopsticks. Even through all the lies and secrets and half-truths. None of it mattered in the moment. All that mattered was Alice and how Alice made her feel.

After dinner they went into the bedroom and started fooling around on the bed. Not drunk this time and fully aware of how perfect it was. How natural. Rolling in each other's arms with legs entwined. Legs that were soft as silk and smooth as satin. All they wore was bras and panties and soon the bras were gone and they spent upwards an hour on each other's breasts, suckling and squeezing and stroking, moaning, grinning. Bella wanted the foreplay to never end but soon their panties were gone as well and they were fondling each other between their legs and staring into each other's eyes and smiling at each other until finally they came to combined a climax that caused them to gasp and laugh and collapse together in a sweaty heap.

Over the next week the details were slowly confessed to Jake. Little by little, whenever the conversation happen to stray that way. He was more understanding than she had any right to expect and she tried to be as sensitive to his feelings as possible. She placed particular emphasis on how it had just happened and how she had no control over it and how long she had tried to resist. The two of them in the kitchen, watching over dinner with a glass of wine or a bottle of beer. Pausing the conversation when their daughter came in and resuming it again later on in the bathroom while they flossed or gargled mouthwash.

By the second week the spare room had been cleaned out and one of the kids' old beds was set up in the corner along with a closet and a dresser. Bella shifted her clothes and her makeup and explained to the kids that mommy snored too loudly to sleep with daddy anymore. They were young enough to believe it and laugh as if it really were that simple. At night her sockfeet dangled from the end of the tiny bed as she lay in the dusty unfamiliar room and it took her a long time to fall asleep.

The hardest part was dating Alice without revealing even one detail of her personal life. She'd become a master at avoiding subjects and switching topics. They spent most of their time together at the gym and they went on dates directly off the treadmills, movies, restaurants, strolls in the park. They made love for hours at a time, as if they just couldn't get enough of each other, and every night Bella used the cat as an excuse for why she couldn't stay over Alice's apartment. She claimed the cat would pee all over the floor if she wasn't there to feed it, which was true, even though by the time she got home the cat had already been taken care of by the husband and kids. Alice seemed to understand and she would walk Bella to the door of her apartment with a sheet wrapped around her naked body to give her a kiss goodnight. On the same mouth Bella would later use to kiss her children goodnight.

The changes were slow and gradual and in a month there were no more changes. A brittle status quo had been reached with Bella living in the spare room while dating Alice and Alice slowly becoming more and more suspicious of Bella's reticence. Strain began to build. No matter what she did it was always the wrong thing. Staying out too late to put the boys to bed or going home early and upsetting Alice. The only support in her life seemed to be her husband, which in itself was another source of guilt and strain. Losing sleep. Struggling at work.

On the weekend the boys had a big soccer game and Bella had to blow off another afternoon with Alice. A cold day with heavy clouds overhead. There was a decent turnout of parents in the stands, clad in coats, clapping and calling out encouragement, most of them mothers with only a few fathers scattered among them. Jake was one of the fathers and he sat with Bella while they watched their sons run up and down the field and kick the ball and yell at the other boys the way all little kids play sports, with only a very rudimentary grasp of teamwork and tactics. One of the boys managed to score a goal and Bella hopped up with a cheer and started clapping.

"Woo hoo! Go, baby! Yay!"

None of the other parents had risen. Jake looked around awkwardly and tugged her coat. Bella sat back down but she was smiling and she gave a few more claps. Moments like these sometimes she was able to forget the complications of her life and just enjoy being a mommy.

"So how long we gonna keep this up for?" her husband asked, and just like that, the moment was gone.

"What do you mean?"

"This," he said. "Pretending we're a family."

"We are a family, Jake. That's never going to change."

Jake sighed and looked away. Bella felt a flicker of irritation.

"Well, what am I supposed to do, Jake? Move out? It's a joint mortgage. I leave, you lose the house. The kids lose the house. What then?"

"So you wanna keep living like this forever, do you?"

"No, but…"

"But what? You wanna move your girlfriend in too and get married and raise another family right there in the spare room?"

"That's not fair, Jake."

"Not fair? Do you want me to tell you about not fair, Bella? We've been married eighteen years. Then one day, out of the blue for no reason at all, my wife doesn't love me anymore. That's not fair."

"I do love you, Jake. I'm just not attracted to you."

"Same difference."

Bella sighed and looked down. One of the other kids scored a goal and there was a smattering of applause from a little way down the crowd. Jake gave some polite applause as well and then turned back to Bella.

"I bet this girl you're seeing could tell you a thing or two about unfair as well," he said. "If she knew the truth."

"How can I possibly tell her, Jake?"

"I don't know. But you gotta figure it out, Bells. The longer you wait, the worse it's gonna be. Something's got to give here."

"I know," Bella said, staring down at her lap.

The next day at work she confided everything to Jessica. Once again they were on the Queensgate bridge during their lunchbreak, leaning on the rail with the wind in their hair. Jessica listened but it was clear from her expression that she was getting sick of hearing it. Once she heard it all she just shrugged.

"Well, I don't know why you're asking me," she said. "You've obviously made your choice."

"Choice?"

Jessica sighed and looked away. Bella frowned at her.

"This isn't a choice, Jessica," she said. "It's how I am."

"Yeah, yeah. A person can't help the way they feel, right? Only that's bullshit. You have a family, you stick with it. Simple as that. You should just be grateful that your husband is even willing to forgive you for everything so far."

"How can you say that? What if it was my husband in this position? Would you tell him it's a choice? That he should stay with his family? Or is it only because I'm a woman that I'm supposed to just shut up and do the laundry like a good little wife?"

"You know that's not what I meant."

"No, I think it is. I think that's exactly what you meant. If it was a man in my position who realized he was gay, you'd tell him to get divorced in a heartbeat. To be himself. That there's nothing to be ashamed of."

"Bella, there's no need—"

"No, I think there is a need, Jessica. I never asked for this to happen. But it did. And even if it wasn't about gender, is it really so reprehensible? I fell in love with someone else. It sucks, but it happens. And I'm dealing with it the best way I know how. So instead of judging me like a self-righteous bitch, why can't you try to be even just a little understanding?"

Jessica sighed and looked out across the river. Bella looked at her for a moment and then she scoffed and tied the belt on her coat.

"You know what? Forget I ever mentioned it."

Then she started back up the bridge and left her ex-bestfriend there in the wind.

That afternoon Bella skipped gym and went directly on a date with Alice. She took her to a movie and then to an Italian restaurant where she bought an expensive bottle of wine and a slice of chocolate cake for them to share for dessert. Alice wanted to pay for half but Bella insisted on the honor of paying for everything herself. Alice shrugged and sipped her wine with a smile and said it's good to have a sugar momma.

It began raining while they were eating and while they were driving to Alice's apartment Bella took a detour and parked at an abandoned trainyard where they could relax and listen to the sound of the rain on the roof of the car. Like teenagers they climbed into the back and started making out, tongues spiced with wine, moans mingled with the low rumble of thunder in the distance. Alice straddled Bella's lap and lifted her top and leaned each of her nipples to Bella's mouth. Bella kissed them and suckled at them and smiled with her lips wrapped around one of them.

"Mmm," she murmured. "Thank you, Alice. I've had such a shitty couple days. I really needed this."

"You're the one who took me out, baby."

"I know. But you're the one who's so perfect."

Alice giggled and sat back on her lap and gave Bella a kiss. Bella stroked her back until Alice pulled back gently.

"But I do wish you'd talk to me about why these days are so shitty," she said. "You're, like, the most secretive woman I've ever dated. You're not a spy, are you?"

"The only thing I'm trying to infiltrate is your panties."

Bella's hands were pawing at the button on the girl's jeans. Alice was lowering her top and now she giggled and stopped Bella's hands.

"Seriously," she said. "How come you never talk to me? Is it because I'm younger than you? You think I won't understand?"

Bella shook her head and tried to ignore the guilt and sadness stirring in her stomach. "I just don't want to bother you with my bullshit."

"That's sweet, but if this relationship is going to evolve, then eventually we're going to have to share that bullshit. So, come on, tell me. What's wrong?"

"Oh, it's nothing much. Just work. And people letting me down."

"Which people?"

"Oh, you know. A friend of mine. I always thought she was my best friend, but I guess she's not even a good friend."

"What did she do?"

"She doesn't approve. Of me and you."

"Seriously? In 2015?"

"Well, it's a little more complicated than that. She does have a point, but I guess I just don't want to see it."

"If I make you happy, she should be happy too," Alice said, and then she sealed it with a kiss on Bella's lips.

Bella enjoyed the kiss with her eyes closed, listening to the rattle of the rain on the sheetmetal, a thin crack of thunder. The storm was getting worse but she didn't care. She was here, safe, with Alice.

"Ooh, I forgot," Alice said, breaking the kiss. "Speaking of complications, I have one of my own."

"Yeah?"

"I got an email this morning from a magazine I've been applying at. It turns out an internship finally opened up in Paris."

Bella grinned. "Really? That's great."

Alice grinned as well. "Yeah, and I've finally scraped together enough cash to go. Only problem is…"

"What?"

"Well, it's in Paris. And you're here."

Bella smiled and looked at her face in the dimness of the backseat. A thin white flash flickered in the windows. Thunder rumbled after. Alice was still straddling Bella's lap and she gave a shy little shrug.

"I don't want to leave you," she said.

"How long would you be gone?"

"Just over a year."

"Well, that's not too long."

"Maybe not if we were already committed, but we've only been going out what? Two months? I can't ask you to wait for me for an entire year."

"And I can't ask you to stay."

"Maybe you don't have to ask. Maybe I don't want to go anymore anyway."

"Alice."

"What?"

"You've been waiting for this opportunity ever since you finished college."

"Yeah, well, I've been waiting for a decent girlfriend even longer."

Bella chuckled to herself and shook her head. Inside she was filled with a strange but not unsweet melancholy. She ought to have been devastated that the girl had to go but she wasn't. It was the best resolution to their relationship she could've hoped for.

Alice was still straddling her lap and now her hand was stroking Bella's hair.

"I'm serious, Bella," she said. "I've had a lot of failed relationships. Like, you wouldn't believe how many. I mean, you've seen how perfect I am, right? Yet for some reason all my life women have been lining up to break my heart. But now… this time…"

The hand cupped Bella's face.

"I feel like I've finally found a keeper," Alice whispered. "And I don't want to leave you, Bella."

Bella's throat thickened but she forced herself to smile. "That's sweet, but this is your career, Alice. Your dream."

"Career, sure. But not dream. I'm a simple girl. My dream was always just to find someone special. Fall in love. Get married. That's what's most important to me."

"Then you're very naïve."

"I know. But it's how I am."

"I can't let you stay just for me, Alice."

Alice laughed. Then she saw the other woman wasn't and she sobered awkwardly as rain continued to drum on the roof of the car.

"You seriously want me to go?" she asked.

"I just don't want you to have any regrets."

"I think I'd regret going more than I'd regret staying. There'll always be more internships. But there's only one of you."

"I'm nothing special, Alice."

"I think you are."

Alice went to kiss her but Bella put her hands on her chest gently.

"Just think about it, okay? We can always do something long distance. Or put the relationship on hiatus. You wouldn't be gone forever and I can keep busy till you get back. You have to be an adult about this. Okay?"

Alice looked at her, all her lovely warmth sitting there on Bella's lap. Bella looking up at her while inside her heart was breaking. She didn't want the girl to go but this might be the only way to avoid hurting her. Finally the girl nodded.

"Okay," she said. "I'll think about it."

Bella smiled. Alice smiled as well and leaned to her face cutely.

"Until then—your place or mine?" she asked, mouth to mouth.

"Yours."

"It's always mine. When do I get to see yours?"

"As soon as I can be bothered to clean it up."

"I'm starting to think you're hiding something from me. You don't live with your parents, do you?"

"I wish. Then they could clean it up."

Alice giggled and kissed her, once, twice, a third time, another low rumble of thunder occurring in the darkness outside. Bella moaned and gripped her hands into the seat of Alice's jeans and then she hefted the smaller girl to the side and laid her down across the backseat.

Alice flinched and made a meeping sound as she landed on something sharp.

"Ouch," she said. "What was that?"

She reached underneath her between the cushions of the seat and pulled out a small action figurine that belonged to one of the boys. The figurine wore chainmail armor and carried a sword that had poked Alice's back.

Bella's face drained. Alice laughed.

"What's this thing?" she asked.

"I don't know. It must belong to my sister's kid."

"You have a sister?"

"Yeah, she has a bunch of kids. I'm always babysitting and picking them up. They always leave their shit everywhere. Sorry about that."

Alice giggled and tossed the figurine aside. "Kids, huh?"

"Yeah."

"You think you'll ever have kids?"

"I don't know. What about you?"

"Sure. I love kids."

"You do?"

"Of course. I always wanted at least a little girl."

Bella smiled and struggled not to cry from how perfect this girl was and how wrong she had been to lie to her. Alice smiled as well and pulled her down into a kiss as the thunder cracked and the lightning flashed in the windows.

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AN: I think this one was pretty good. The thunderstorm was a nice little bit of subtext. I do love a good thunderstorm, lol. Hope everyone likes Jake. I wanted him to be sort of the opposite of the typical drunk abusive catholic husbands you often see in lesbian romance. I just hope he wasn't too supportive too fast. I might have a bit of pacing issue so far. Anyway, hope you liked it. New chapter soon. :)